Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Friday, October 28, 2011

here comes the curveball

AHHH! I haven't updated in a while...but life has been hectc with a new baby. This doesn't mean that my in laws have been any easier...i just haven't really had time to simply focus on their crazy.

MIL has a new trend of trying to butter my up on thursday so she can try to force a visit on fridays. mind you at this point i don't enjoy being alone in a room with her. well 2 week ago she came over and started giving me marriage advice.... "you're going to have ups and downs...but you need to look at this baby and remember what the reason is..." ummm? we didn't just get married because i was pregnant. aaron and i have been together for like 4 years...it was bound to happen...yeah we sped it up a bit...but we didn't just meet each otehr and get pregnant.

anyway the whole point is to say she's the queen of jumping over boundaries adn giving inappropriate advice...

so she comes over today. she text me at 10am asking if she could stop by..and i didn't have an excuse since aaorn took the car, but i told her aaron would be home around 3....so she said she'd come after she got off of work at 1:30
when i told aaron that she was coming his question "did she ask you if she could" good boy! you're learning...

so aaron comes home early and its a total surprise to MIL that he was there. the visit started up pretty nice until i brought up the baptism. I tol dher its scheduled from november 20 and that they wanted to know how many pews to reserve so i asked her how many do you think

::blank stare::

change of subject...so i have to bring it back. "how many people do you think we can expect from your family?"

"who are YOU going to invite from my family?"

wow. the queen of inviting ppl i don't even know to my babyshower is now asking me who i'm inviting to a baptism...

ok...moving on "we're thinking about going to dinner after words

::blank stare::

change of subject...so aaron brings it back "well do you think we should like go to dinenr afterwards

"do YOU want to go to diner afterwards?


and each thing she finishes off with "i'm here for you guys. tell me what you NEED me to do" umm...who are you

its like I can't expect anything from our visits....she always has a friggin curveball

i'm not from a family that invties the whol eextended famiyl to baptisms. its not my culture. and when i wanted to invite ppl to my babyshowershe started inviting a ton of ppl. same for the birth of m child. wheni don't want advice she gives it...

but here i am ASKING for it and she shuts it down "what do YOU want? what are YOU going to do? I'm here for you....tell me what you NEED me to do" I need your fucking advice

fuck it...

i'm not inviting anyone from your family.

my family will just go out to eat afterwards

this was a nice reminder of why i don't ask you for your opinion

by the way

i hate you

Friday, October 7, 2011

hurdle number one

about to go meet aaron's dad for the first time
1) he flaked the first time we were supposed to meet. didn't answer aaron's calls and then called the next day saying he was ready to meet...
2) he asked to meet today, but asked aaron to call and remind him the day before...then avoided aarons calls yesterday
3) he avoided his calls today as well
4) we're supposed to meet him at the golden corral and neither of us have any money
5) we're supposed to meet at 1
6) he just called back saying he
was on his way up there now after being MIA all day
7) i have a baby who needs to eat and get dressed and i haven't gotten dressed yet
8) he doesn't have a car
9) he's talked aaron into meeting him by saying "i have something for you
10) i know this is going to get back to lorena...
this is my life.

having dinner with MIL on sunday. She blows me. lots of updates on that front...but not for now. for now lets just deal with this hurdle...

goodness i don't do well with black men....they tend to be so disappointing

Friday, September 16, 2011

new baby...same drama...

Wow I haven't posted in a long time. I started a new blog focused entirely on mu daughter - TheLittlestIraheta.blogspots.com

I had to be careful since I complain so much abotu MIL on this site that I couldn't let them link to each other. This woman by the way is turning into a psych. I actually spoke with out marriage counselor about it during a 1 on 1 today. He actually agreed with me, which was a relief. He believes she has a personality disorder and that I'll just need to cut her off to get away from her.

"Its not up for discussion. if you have anything else you'd like to say, write me a letter, but i'm not talking about it anymore."

he said that i would probably never get any support from Aaron's family, but i would earn a lot of respect.

Example of MIL's overbearing ways: After Solana was born we invited Joe and Terry to come to the hospital to see her. They were literally the only ppl we called to invite. they were supposed to be the god parents, until it got vetoed. well they came over and hung out which was wonderful. Well I just found out this woman called up Joe and Terry afterwards to "thank" them for coming to visit us. "i know that you are close to holly and aaron and i really wanted to thank you for comign to the hospital." ummm excuse me? are you the hostess? back off! She even confronted Terry for wearing Purple
"oh you like the color purple...holly likes the color purple too..." ::snear::

she's so immature.

the counselor said that the fail safe would just to be to admit that I don't understand her. Its not that I don't like her...i just don't get her...

i really avoid her at all costs at this point. Its really immature...but after she started trying to divide and conquer...i just stopped talking to her. i"m simply waiting for "My hill to die on" - that one situation that I will not/could not/refuse to back down from. I'm gonna go hard whenever i find it.

at this point I'm just not going to talk to her since I feel like i have to ask her permission before i can do anything for my child. Can't by her a baptismal gown cuz aaorn's was saved. Can't buy bedding because she wants the abby to use aarons. Aaron's bangles. She's wants to host to baptismal party. not those god parents. Not that color...on and on...well i'm over it. i'm just going to play elsewhere in the words of the counselor...i'm not asking her permission about my own child.


its going to be a long 18 years...and she's going to learn her place...

hopefully sooner rather than later.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

i want my body back.

i want to sleep at night

i want to meet my daughter. and hold her. and look at her. and bring her home and meet her and get to know her

i want to heal. i want to be able to walk and not have my back hurt. to be able to roll over and sit down and stand up and climb stairs

i want the little things i never realized i wanted

i want my whining to be about crying babies and car seats and doing hair...

i don't want to be pregnant anymore...

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

i thought i just saw the finish line...who the fuck keeps moving me cheese?

I am sooo over being pregnant.



I'm 38 weeks and 5 days and I'm sick and tired of being pregnant. I've been counting down to August 4th since December...and now it's literally in shouting distance. Its close enough I can taste it...I can smell it. I feel the breeze coming off of it

and now my doctor is talking about 41 weeks

41 weeks and possible csection

like fuck you, too!

No dilation. no effacement. nothing. no talks of induction. no talks of squats or sex or walking for hours...just csection.

the baby's big

i get it

she's high and tight

i get it

she's so friggin comfortable she's not even THINKING about sliding into home base

like wtf?!?!

we had a long talk last night...me and baby. i explained to her how this is all going to work out. what she's going to do...what i'm going to do...and how important it is that she gets into the ball game

i haven't seen her following through on her side of the deal...but i'm hoping. i'm hoping she's just stubborn like her parents. that she's just oppositional like her father and will just eventually do what she needs to do in her own time

just surprise me, darling. take your time...but do what we've discussed.

i'd really appreciate it

because at this point...

it feels like i'm going to be pregnant


Wednesday, July 20, 2011


i might be hormonal...actually i am absolutely positive that I am- being 9 months pregnant with a 30 pound child...but i don't think me asking you to carry a fucking vacuum down 3 flights of stairs is enough to warrant a week of silence.

this is bull shit.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

i miss you

i miss sleeping...

people keep telling me that this is just my body preparing me for the rest of my life. no sleep at night. surviving off of fumes.

what they don't seem to understand is that once LO comes I can share the responsibility with Aaron. While she's incubating it's just me pacing the halls with her.

I'm sure i'll miss this. The feeling of her stretching and kicking inside of me. the tickling feeling of her hiccups and her fingers. the stretch and pull of her trying to make room where there isn't any.

but all i can think of right now is how much i miss sleeping

i miss sleeping on my stomach

i miss sleeping on my back

i miss sleeping laying down

i miss cuddling up next to aaron and knocking out as soon as the lights turn off

i miss sleeping straight until my alarm clock goes off

i miss 2 blankets and a fan on while i'm sleeping

i miss layering clothes before i go to bed

i miss hot showers right before sleep

god i miss sleeping...

now my night consists of fans and light sheets. piles of pillows to create and awkward half up half down position so i can breathe. falling asleep at 8 with the tv on to wake up at 12 with everything off except for me. peeing every 20 minutes. no comfortable position for longer than 10

and no real rest UNTIL the alarm goes off. Its always the last 5 minutes that I actually get comfortable. that last second before it's time to go to work that I actually could clothes my eyes and just stay...

i think while other ppl dream of amazing nights of hot sex or romantic nights of moon night strolls on sandy beaches... i will always dream of long nights with just me

and my pillows

and sleep

Monday, July 11, 2011

eviction notice

i love my daughter. i love her like i've never loved anything or anyone in my entire life.

she is my life...

i would give my life for her and i haven't even seen what she looks like...

but i promise

i cross my heart...

if she starts kicking me in the back like she did on monday afternoon i will evict her from her homestead

i am almost 37 weeks pregnant and i don't have anywhere else to go. MY belly can't possibly stretch anymore. i thought 5 months ago that was as far as i could get. i've surprised myself. currently the largest thing on me is my middle. i think if i measured around my waist and held it straight it would be as tall as i cam.

she was 7pounds 5 ounces 2 weeks ago...and she's just packing on the weight now.

she has my chubby cheeks and her father's powerful thighs.

and i don't think my back can take another day of her tantrums.

in all honesty i'm not ready for her to come out. i still have some cleaning to do. some relaxing to do...a few more weeks of working to do...

but we'll see. she's holding all of the cards at the moment. and i'm being run by a little person living inside of me

but, Little Bear, if you can hear me...mommy does not like you kicking me...

please stop

love, mommy

Friday, July 8, 2011

a piece of advice

if you never listen to a thing i say...and you just read this to laugh at the daily nonsense i'm put through...

please at least remember this one tidbit of advice:

marriage counselors are a god send.

this isn't our first counselor...we actually failed with him. I'm not sure if i posted that story or if its lost in the sea of saved, but unpublished entries.

it was ugly. a massacre. a debacle.

a jolly old gentleman who told aaron to stand up for himself...so aaron stood up...against the counselor.

i should have known it would end in flames after the first evening.

i loved the man. he's a pastor at my church. i see him rather often actually. aaron however. well lets just hope they never cross each others paths again.

well Pastor M (i probabaly should have mentioned his name earlier in this post) referred us to Justin.

I personally was ready to give up. I mean seriously, who fails marriage counseling? but we went and met with him. i expected the same thing to happen. we walk into the room where a man who barely reaches 5'9" and somewhere between 27 and 39 - a stocky little man with a huge personality who had the audacity to curse in a church.

it was love at first sight

i must admit that it feels like the conversation tends to turn more towards football, weight lifting and injuries...but real matters get discusses in the middle.

we talk about concerns. he listens. asks questions. poses ideas. turns it into a sports analogy i don't understand but some how issues get resolved.

- - -

we are having some huge cultural differences. that's the only way i can think of describing it. i knew from the beginning that Aaron was from a large hispanic family. That's what i loved about it. all of the laughter and joy. the bickering the making up. Even when we weren't together i loved it. Hell i talked to his mother at least once a month while we weren't together.

but then i got pregnant

and everything changed

all of a sudden i wasn't the GF anymore...i was ONE OF THEM...and my child was THEIRS...and my opinions were the last anyone cared to hear about.

it was like one day everything was great and the next day....no one spoke to me again.

i don't even know if we talk now. they tell me what they've planned. i tell them no thanks we already have it covered and pause. repeat. i swear everything turns into a discussion.

no i don't want to do that

well i think you should

well i really don't want to do that

well we all think you should

well i'm not doing it

well we were so sure that you would

no. i'm not

o. ok...well we really think it would be best if you would.

it makes me want to rip my hair out. Aaron is immune...he just ignores it. pretends to be asleep. walks away. says ok and then just does w/e it is that he wanted to do in the first place.

I don't want to play these games for the rest of my life

my way of avoiding it and just not going over there. just not talking to them.

so now they think i don't like them...but how do i tell them its not that i don't like you...i just don't like how to try to control my life.

its an issue that aaron will have to step inbetween for the rest of our lives together. i just don't have the patience for it...i just don't have the attention span to care about their hurt feelings

but at least last night we were able to talk about it. at least the tip of the iceberg anyway.

and it was nice that the Justin understood where i was coming from. he understood extended families. he understood how crazy ppl get when babies come along. he knew what we needed...

and i appreacitate that.

i'm not saying everythings fixed. i'm not saying that the world is rainbows and unicorns...

but i can say that today...today its sunny out...and i'm not afraid of the ppl that usually make it rain

and i can thank our counselor for that

Thursday, July 7, 2011

i don't want to talk about it

there's a woman in my office that is very quickly getting on my nerves. I don't know if it's hormones or just the fact that i'm over ignorance.

She's a nice girl, don't get my wrong. She's funny and friendly...and ghetoo as hell. Barely graduated from highschool...been with the same guy since middle school. broken up and gotten back together while living together for almost 10 years now and have a child together.

She misses being pregnant...and continues to tell me how much i'm going to miss it as well

i really don't understand what its with other women telling you about yourself when you're pregnant. please Lord...don't let me become one of those women...

She comes up to my desk to replay her birthing experience. to cuss about the lactation coach who tried to force her into breast feeding. about how women with csections have flatter stomachs faster...and how she can't wait to see my baby

and why aren't i ask excited


i'm at work...i'm not talking about being pregnant...i'm just at work.

and the fact that throughout this entire pregnancy all anyone else has done was tell me how i should be reacting has made it so i've never had to chance to really have my own feelings about the situation

i am excited. i love her. its funny to feel her wiggling inside of me. i wonder what she's going to look like. i can't wait to meet her

but i'm sick and friggin tired of eveyrone TELLING me what she's going to look like. how tall she's going to be. when she's going to be born. how she's going to act. how i'm going to act

back the fuck off!

i'm excited...i am...but i don't want to talk about it

and i particularly don't want to hear you talking about it either.

i finally told her that i don't really feel like talking about it anymore...its the only subject anyone will discuss with me now. its been 9 months of the exact same topic...lord...can someone talk about something other than what it was like when they gave birth or tried to breast feed?!?!

she told me I was being stank...and she can't wait until the baby's out so she can kick my butt

i walked away


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

rules for DDay

I'm creating a list of rules and regulations for delivery...my mother thinks I'm being controlling...which is partly true...but also for the simple fact that once delivery is literally within seeing distance you slowly, but surely lose your mind.

Every time i turn around I hear about another random relative being invited for EDD and its driving me nuts. 1) because no one asked me how i felt about it and 2) because everyone is only thinking of themselves.

For once....i'm being completely selfish and considering my own feelings after i give birth.

so this is what i have so far:

I would like to set up some ground rules…because i think its only fair as I’m the one who’s giving birth to the baby and I’m starting to feel like everything ifs being taken out of my hands without asking me.

1) The day I go into labor – we’ll let everyone know, but please don’t come to the
hospital - wait until we call and say we are ready for visitors
This rule is to prevent unneeded stress to both the laboring woman (holly) and the laboring attendants (mom and Aaron). We will let Aaron’s mother know and my sister as soon as the baby is born and let them know when they can come to the hospital once I’ve been moved to the mommy and me floor

2) Please on the day that the baby is born i would like to limit visitors to just immediate family, (ie mom, dad, sister, brother. Please no extended family)
I understand that everyone is very excited to meet the baby, but I expect to be very tired after giving birth and would like time to rest. I would also like to have time with just my baby and my husband to bond as well as to establish breastfeeding. These are moments that can’t be taken back and I would really appreciate if everyone respected the need to calm and solace.

3) The day after delivery can we please limit visitors to the following times

4) When visiting – please no more than 4 people plus parents in the room.

5) Upon release from the hospital – please respect the same visiting hours and number of people at a time.

6) No pictures on facebook. I don’t want my daughter flashed across the Internet and when she is i want it to be done by either her father or mother.

7) Please respect the parents’ wishes. We understand that the advice given is from seasoned parents, but as this is our first child, we have our own ideas and plans on how to raise her. We will ask when we need help and advice, but extreme amount of advice can be overwhelming and will most likely be ignored.

do i think any of these will go over smoothly? OF COURSE NOT

do i expect a lot of family discussion about it? DEFINITELY

will i continue to do this for the rest of my life? IF I THINK ITS NECESSARY

we are coming from 2 completely different cultures. 1 that thinks as a unit and one that thinks as individuals.

I only need one person to depend on and i need that to be my husband....so i need him...for ONCE....to see things from my point of view. just once to back me on what i think is important and just ONCE(!!!!) stand up to his mother and tell her to sit the fuck down.

i'm not going to stress too much about this...but trust and believe that I will be telling the hospital staff the same things...so if aaron can't grow some...i know they will

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I don't know how I could possible have postpartum depression after the stressed out depressed nine months that i've just gone through.

I guess in hispanic families they prevent PPD by treating pregnant women like shit and celebrating the father of the child for knocking them up. since the moment i let them know that we conceived i've been cut off, ignored, brushed aside, reprimanded, corrected and told that i'm "overly protective." I think at this point i'm prepared for absolutely anything after the baby is born.

they, however, have no idea just how overly protective i plan on becoming....

5 more weeks until EDD (expected delivery day). I'm looking forward to finally meeting the little girl who has claimed residence of my body...and at the same time dreading having to share her with other people. I almost want to hold her in to protect her from the firestorm that her birth will cause in this family.

I'm completely over the group think.

I'm done with the extended family mentality

I'm over the cultural difference and the excuses

"this is what we do"

"this is how it's always been done"

" this is who we are"

when are they going to realize that i'm not one of them...and my daughter won't be raised that way.

how dare she tell me i "can't be overly protective." maybe someone should have been more protective with their children. Maybe then they wouldn't all have smoked weed and had sex before ever getting a high school diploma. Maybe someone would have graduated from college now. Maybe the honor roll would have been an actuality rather than a dream. Maybe they would have succeeded more in life if someone actually looked out for their children rather than what everyone else thought was the right thing to do.

My mother was overly protective with us...and maybe we didn't do things the way she planned...but we all have graduated from college. We all can support ourselves. We all succeeded in life to this point. no one can fault her for the choice that she made to put us first in life...and no one will fault me.

fuck all of you and your group think.

fuck you and your third world mentality.

fuck you for looking down your ignorant noses at me for wanting more for my child than you ever wanted for yours.

In your desperate attempt to keep everyone on the same level you have hindered yourself for generations. I want my daughter to far exceed even the heights that I have dreamt for myself.

i hope that she looks back on you all and shakes her head...that you all were small hurdles that her mother over took so that she could claim her spot in the stars

how dare you expect her to huddle on the ground with you all...

....when there is an entire universe for her to explore.

fuck you all very much...for showing me that at the end of the day...none of you matter

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

baby shower debrief

So my baby shower was last weekend. Things actually went rather smoothly. I was expecting the worst possible scenario and thankfully it never occurred.

mind you that doesn't mean that MIL wasn't acting out or that the ILs weren't antisocial OR that Aaron's friends were pains...it simply means that no one got shot.

I accidentally planned the shower on the same day as Caribbean carnival. typical. we had chosen the date for after our anniversary as we were going to get married and announce it at the shower. the wedding plans turned into something bigger than either of us wanted so we cancelled...and hated each other...and broke up...and then eloped before anyone cold tell us what they though we should do.

his mother was upset...as to be expected. she said something to the extent of "well you know what you're getting into..." which i took more as a warning than a congratulations...

aaron told me that she whined before i got there "i wanted to beeee there....was holly's mom there? why didn't you teeeeellllll me?"

aaron was very straightforward. or so he told me. "it was just the two of us. no one knew. we just wanted the two of us there."

"well i wanted to be there"

"if you were there everyone would have to be there"


so that was last wednesday. she didn't find out until thursday. the shower was on saturday.

my aunt came from california to be there. she finally met ani who performed for the crowd. Tuck and Tosin hosted and did a great job of dealing with me as mother-zilla and keeping the crowd moving.

aaron's mother's contribution was a cake and it was huge. and milky. and not sweet...aaron loved it. i would have worn it as a dress...or a hat...wasn't too fond of the flavor. his family came and stayed to themselves mainly. i think they were waiting for a big wedding announcement that never came.

only one aunt and one uncle (and his wife) came of his entire family. that was aggravating. his cousin and his wife came. a bunch of my friends who said they would be there was all of a sudden MIA...bitches... his cousins didn't come. 2 aunts didn't come...and his sister actually showed up 3 hours late - her excuse "she went to the pool"

are you for real? you only have one baby shower in your life time...and you were too busy to actuall yact right and come to your brother's?if it had been at his house and had a whole bunch of patron i bet everyone would have made a way up there...

anyway. wade and richard came late as usual. wade had RSVPed saying he wasn't going to make it cuz he was going to be out of town...and then suddenly remembered that he was actually gone on antoher weekend and didn't tell anyone as a "surprise" -___-


He wanted me to read his card out loud. some nonsense about "i couldn't believe it when you said you were having a baby...but hey if anyon one should it may as well be you."


he also made an announcement after the gifts "i couldn't believe it when aaron said he was having a baby, but i have an announcement. i'm having a baby too....in 5 years...ha ha ha"


he's so wack

my mother was like "that tall one was annoying...and immature. so was the short one (richard)"

they came as we were handing out prize awards and MIl tried to stop everything so that they could play the games. it was too late...and we weren't having it.

are you forreal? the shower started at 1...your ass showed at 4...we're not restarting everything for 2 ppl...

MIL bought a bunch of onsies that say "I LOVE DADDY" and a frame that she showed me months ago that she said she was keeping for herself. and then gave us a toddler car seat.

i have no problem with the carseat...please don't get my wrong. thank you...

but seeing as we have at least 6 months before she'll be in it i don't understand why she got it for us. This woman demanded a list of 4 or 5 things that we wanted for her to pick from...and then in the end ignored it and did what she wanted.

not surprised...

its typical honestly...

its annoying...

she complained to my aunt about us getting married

she bragged to mom about how her bf works night and day

she tripped in her too high heels and almost busted her ass...

and she left right after the presents were opened.

oh and wade hit on morgan. lol.

lets see...the next day we went and picked up some of aaron's clothes since he's slowly but surely moving out. she wasn't too excited about that and wanted us "all on the same page" about it. aaron never made any definite answers as to what he was doing...

she hasn't been calling him like she used to

his sister isn't talking to either one of us again...

i haven't heard from either one of them...but they stopped talking to me around the time that i got pregnant...

...and/or stopped agreeing to everything they said

i'm enjoying the silence and preparing for the worst possible case scenario. but who knows when that will happen...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

i never thought i'd feel this way

i keep typing posts, but not posting them.

i think i'm going to try to be a littl emore positive these days. I don't want to look back on my pregnancy and only remember my complaints

i honestly love the little jumps and kicks from the little one inside of me. its comforting to know she's there. maybe no one will understand the feeling...but its like you're never alone. that for your entire life she's been there waiting for just the right time to make herself known.

and i can't wait to meet her.

her personality already seems like so much fun.

he kicks are strong...and while i cringe i'm glad she's strong. i'm glad she is adament. i'm glad that she wants to be known and i hope she come sout just as strong and independent as she already is here.

he dances to music. lol. its sweet to feel her kicking as soon as music starts playing. she pushes against things i'm leaning on. She has one little foot lodged under my ribs and when i lay some where she doesn't like she pushes up to make me move. as if already i need to remember to accomodate her first.

she hiccups at night...and now in the morning. a rhythmic motion just above my pelvis and todayi thik i felt her little tummy at the same time. i never felt that before.

i can feel her playing with her fingers. a gently tickle on my hips as she opens and closes her fingers trying to figure out where she is.

she pushes her little butt or knees around...right under my belly button. and as i'm layind dwon in bed i can lift my shirt and see her repositioning herself to be more comfortable in the little womb she has made her own.

she wakes up when her daddy tells her too. never when i do...

i dream of what she'll look like. i wonder how tall she'll be. if she'll be shy like her father or out spoken like her mother. if she'll have my butt. his nose. who's hair?

i have a thousand and one questions about here that i'll only learn in time...and i can't wait to learn them

and at the same time that i'm ready to meet her and see her and hold her in my arms as i have in my womb for all these weeks...i want to keep her inside of me...to protect her within me...hold her where no one can take her from me.

this will be the only time that she is with me 100% of the time...and i'll never get that back.

i'll never have complete say over her when she's born...and i'll have to learn to share her...and care for her differently than how i've been able to while i cared for myself.

i want to give her the world...but i want her to learn to work for it too.

i want to make her life easier than mine ever was.

and i want all of her dreams to come true

and if i have to fight heaven and hell to protect her i will....

and while i'm almost ready for her to come...i'll miss her here...i'll miss this feeling to being one. i'll miss it when she's gone.

i never thought i'd feel this way...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

1 year later

This time last year is when it all began again. I wish I sill had the emails that I could share with you. The ups and downs of our rollercoaster relationship. lol

Aaron's being released from the hospital today.

He went in on Monday 6/13 for a knee surgery. Well officially a knee anthroscopy, SCAN, ACL reconstruction. it was supposed to be an in and out procedure. It ended up being 3 days in the hospital.

He surgery took 3 hours. we went in at 11:30 his surgery started around 2 and ended around 3. He wasn't released from PACU until 11:53PM. His blood pressure shot through the roof and his heart rate wouldn't go down. we thought that everything would calm down over night and he'd come home in the morning. Well tuesday rolls around and the pain medicines aren't working and his heart rate is still high. So they keep him another night. Wednesday his heart rate started going down, but they realized that his lungs are not filling to capacity...leading to the high temperature and heart rate...he went from 108 at noon to a 125 when he was checked again around 3...that a full CAT scan and they decided to keep him again over night.

Today he's being released.

He text me (he finally has his phone 3 days later) saying he was on his way home.

Its been a long couple of days. hopefully he'll be able to get some rest at home. He doesn't like hospitals in general and officially doesn't like having to stay there alone over night...or with a roommate over night.

Recovery is going to be hard. We had assumed he would be on crutches for a week and then walking after wards. they told him instead he'll be off his leg for 6-8 weeks. they also mentioned his sports days might be over...he was high on morphine at the time and doesn't rememebr that. i'm not going to be the one to remind me.

Its hard to seeing him in pain. Its hard to seeing him in a hospital. It's hard seeing him helpless. I told him no more surgeries. purely for selfish reasons...i can't handle the stress of him being weak...Hopefully having him at home will make it easier. On both of us...

hopefully having it at him will make it better...

its been an interesting 9 months...lol.

its been an interesting year...

i can't wait to see what else life has in store for us.

Monday, June 6, 2011

over it

so i've come to realize that maybe its not just because of me...this whole angry pregnancy thing. i thought it was hormones. i thought i just wasn't made for it. i thought maybe i was doing something wrong all along...

i've never seen someone so over pregnancy as i have been for the past 6 months of my life...ok maybe not 6...maybe 5 or 4....just months of being pissed and alone and upset about everything from the additonal weight to the ridiculous drama.

now i've realized it more likely the situation that i'm in...and i'm totally over that now.

everything from march on ward has been dramatic. every decision from baby shower colors to christening gowns has been a dig discussion on who should be the one who makes the decision. hell even the god parents turned into a point of contention

and i'm over it...

i've over the nonsense.

i have been on an emotional rollercoaster due to hormones and in laws for longer than i can possibly stand...and i'm over it

from this point on...i'm not dealing with it. i'm black holing everything that is going to stress me out. i'm ignoring everything that is negative and ignorant. i'm walking away from anything that is going to turn a decision that we've made into a family discussion

i'm not dealing with it.

maybe after all of the hormones have left my system...when people have realized i'm not a child...when ppl grow up and educate themselves...then i'll be able to handle the stress...

but i'm simply not dealing with it anymore

fuck being the bigger person...

i'm just going to be the pregnant one...i think i deserve at least that...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

after all

do you ever stop to think about what you were doing a year ago? to think about how many things have changed.

what you thought you'd be doing now....where you thought you'd be...

who you'd be with...

i was thinking of that yesterday. Last year on memorial day i was driving back from Black Beach Week with Isata and Veronica. It hadn't been the vacation I had imagined. It had been fun, dont get me wrong...but it had been lacking in something.

everything had changed shortly after that.

the next weekend i was at the beach with gaby and christeenna

the 2 week later at ocean city with aaron....and the rest it history...

but i don't know if i imagined myself here.

i don't regret any decisions that i've made. i'm not disappointed in my life at all...i don't want you to read this and think that i'm complaining or finding fault...i'm just finding...

....i dunno...finding myself i guess....

in everythign that has happened...i'm finding where i am in it all.

and where i thought i'd be...

Monday, May 23, 2011

the grass is always greener

So my borther graduated on saturday. It was a beautiful day for a graduation in UVa is a gorgeous campus. Its like stepping back in time...or into a catalogue...or a onto a movie set. There must have been a dress code of khaki's and sun dresses and I failed to receive the memo.

It reminded me a lot of McDaniel. The small town vibe, even though Charlottesville would eat Westminster for lunch, the county club visitors, the trees. lol. it was nice to visit...it makes me want to get back into school.

The cobblestone was next to impossible for aaron and his crutches...the crowd was next to impossible for me and my stomach, the heat was simply impossible for my mother.

we were able to watch the smaller MBA graduation at the Darden school. nothing too hectic as we chose our seats earlier than my father's arrival with his family. I was luck enough not to see them at all...my mother however ran straight into them as my father ran straight into a pole...

i wish i made these things up.

my brother seemed as shocked as the rest of us about them being in attendance. we had all been dreading the family dinner that he requested, but upon finding out that his other mother was there is simply stated "i'm going to dinner with you, mom. i never intended to go eat with them"

Dinner was nice. It was good to see Trevor relaxed and happy. He is moving to CA at the end of June, just staying long enough for the wedding. He showed us around his apartment and told us about the work he'll be doing...or at least what he think he'll be doing.

I slept for the drive up and the drive back. I was lucky enough to never have to drive. Aaron did most of that...mainly because he doesn't trust anyone else behind the wheel. after watching my mother drive...I can understand why.

the real interesting part of the weekend was the graduation party on the saturday before trevor's graduation. One of Aaron's cousin's graduated and everyone came over for a free for all at his house. There was a lot of touching and questions and advice being freely thrown out...as usual. There was also a bit of a confrontation over pictures as I had previously stated I didn't want taken. i don't care if you consider my child YOURS...as I'm the one carrying them and I said no...then stop and let it go.

MIL didn't appreciate that...but she got over it. or she moved away from me.

I spent most of the night talking to the girlfriend and wife of some of the cousins. it was nice to know that i'm not alone in the random feeling of being "on-the-outside"

I'd never felt that way before...but now there has been a clear division drawn in the sand...and i'm not begging to cross it...i hope they realize my child is staying on myside of the line and they can go suck it.

it was funny. the GF should fit in the most. being hispanic...but her claim to fame is that she's Pentecostal and has no interest of converting. The Wife is protestant as well and black...a double negative for her. she also doesn't drink much and doesn't join in on arguments with the rest of the family.

she's always just stayed to herself.

I asked her how she deals with boundaries. She laughed and we shared Monster-in-law stories for the rest of the night.

family members kept trying to intrude...to find out what it was that we whispered about in dark corners...some sort of fear of the black ppl uniting. we didn't let it stop us...and once we finally were separated i left shortly after.

i feel like boundaries are going to be an on going issue in my life from this point forward. i get it...i accept it...but i'm not going to have ppl walk all over me and i'm not going to allow ppl to think that i'm ok with it. i don't care what hte family has been doing since the dawn of time...thats not how i'm doing it.

if that means we have to stay on the outskirts so be it.

i was actually thinking today. i was trying to figure out how it is that i never realized that they were so over bearing. i think i always knew...its just that they were overbearing to me. they were all in aaron's life. they judged his decisions. they called him dumb and told him what to do...but i just assumed thats the relationship they had with him and that was fine...most of the time his decisions were a little dumb and i appreciated that they cared...

but now that the opinions are pointed at me...its different. i'm not a child. and i'm not really in this family. i don't need your suggestions and i don't particularly care for your opinions. i'm not having family sit downs and i'm not explaining my decision making...its not a discussion its a statement...

they're not going to like me very much...


i don't particularly give a shit...

it was strange at one point...while discussing the differences in W's MIL and my own she said "i think its just different. MIL and Husband never had that close relationship. they were never cute and cuddly. its funny. i would look at your MIL and think 'Why couldn't she be my MIL"

"honey, the grass is always greener on the other side..."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

lesson learned

So it's official. Aaron's ACL is torn.

like gone.



he went into the emergency room on sunday and they said he'd need an MRI and referred him to Dr. Rudzki with Washing Sports Medicine (totally might not be his name). He's a really nice guy. He was enthralled by Aaron, as most slightly athletic white men are...he walks in a room and they want to give hima high five for some reason. The doctor explained the inner workings of his knee as well as the possible outcomes. He used football analogies that threw me off, but drew pictures, which I have been recreating as I explin the situation to ppl.

He tried to feel around aaron's knee to see if he could figure out what was going on without an MRI...

the result "ok. so here's the situation...you're a really big guy- with really strong hamstrings...i start tuggin gon you and without realizing you flex. i have no idea whats going on there...we'll schedule and MRI"

His MRI was scheduled for tuesday - not even going to get into that phone tag... he went in and Evan, the redheaded technician broke it down "your ACL is gone"


so the next appointment is on the 27th...i have me 2 week appointment and aaron has another consultion to discuss options and to check on the swelling in his knee...

hopefully we can work out some sort of plan...

lesson from this: HEALTH INSURANCE IS A MUST...especially if you play sports...

Monday, May 9, 2011

::fingers crossed::

So Aaron tore his ACL...well perhaps not tore...but injured. severely injured.

He's been MIA since Thursday night. laid out and uncomfortable. poor kid.

*flash back*

thursday he had his first scrimmage with the Metro Nemesis. He had been looking forward to the game all week, so much so that he got in numerous arguments with our pastor over the scheduling of our next premarital counseling session which was supposed to be on Wednesday, but Aaron refused as the scrimmage was scheduled for thursday and the first preseason game for saturday.

I had started making my weekend plans, knowing that he would be in and out with the team all saturday...I was too bored to stay home on thursday and I knew if he had a game he would end up staying home for the rest of the night. I called him and asked if i could hitch a ride to the game. he warned me I'd be bored..seeing that the alternative would be sleeping from the moment I get home until the next day i said I'd prefer the boredom of the game.

I headed to his house around 6:30 PM and we headed to the field in DC. We got there around 7:30 and i posted up in the stands with my pashmina as a jacket and my newest romance novel as a companion as he went to get ready.

the Team started warming up around 8:00 PM. I searched out Aaron, who can usually be spotted due to his Palumalo locks...but he was on the sideline getting suited up.

8:15 the Team has stopped running and has begun the customary lounges and squats...Aaron is still getting dressed

8:30 the team begins practice drills. Aaron begins to enter the field and start practicing

(please note that he did not warm up)

the game started around 9:00PM. black ppl....why say the game starts at 6:30 if its not supposed to start until 9:00 is beyond me...it just continues to show ppl that if they're late that things will be rescheduled to better fit into their schedules instead of the teams. w/e

9-9:15 they scrimmage with the Offense in. I can't tell if the Nemesis offense sucks or if the other defense is just amazing...

around 9:15 defense heads in. Aaron playing middle line backer.

play 2 - aaron runs up left field, attempts a quick dodge to cut off a player, his foot stays planted, his knee dodges left. he falls. rolls and stops.

30 seconds pass where he stays on the ground.

no movement.

on his back.

the coach comes out

the trainer comes out

the players take a knee...

i grab my bag and start down the bleachers...

he couldn't even put weight on his knee. at the time i wasn't sure if it was his knee or his ankle. his ankles have been bothering him for a few weeks now. he hasn't really mentioned his knee...but alas...we all hoped his ACL or MCL weren't torn...and as his has to medical insurance fingers are crossed the rest and ice will do the trick...

its day 4....he's on crutches. the swelling has gone down. he now says there is a sharp pain on the inside of his knee whenever he puts weight on his leg.

its going to be a long week...all we can do is pray that its just a sprain. there's not much else we can do...

Monday, April 25, 2011

things that should have died in 2010

- black men with mohawks
- white men with mohawks
- people in general with mohawks, excluding those that wear them for cultural/religious reasons

- men over the age of 20 with corn rows
- men/boys with cornrows and no hangtime
-long hair and bald spots

- MIL drama
- EX drama
- Blogs about ppl you don't know

- tweeting about things in the past
- Passive aggressive behaviour
- ppl who are bluntly inconsiderate

- extremely overweight ppl squeezing into clothes in the single digits
- pretty girls with massive trashy tattoos
- little girls with weaves

- children with no manners
- parents with no home training
- having to explain etiquette to ppl over the age of 12

- pants that show your crack
- girls who think its sexy to show their crack
- ppl desperate for attention in general

- crazy family members
- crazy family drama
- friends that make you want to kill them

- frenemies

- stalking your ex
- stalking your ex's new gf
- not moving out of the picture when it's time (referring to the point 7 ahead)

- talking shit behind ppl's back
- talking shit and then smiling in said person's face
- passive aggressive behavior in general

- being overbearing
- being tacky
- being crass

- horrible dye jobs
- bad teeth
- bad breath
- ignorance to the obvious problems

to be continued . . .

Friday, April 22, 2011

as usual...

So I had an emergency doctor's appointment yesterday. One of many unfortunately...but I've switched doctors so hopefully things will calm down for now.

I had flipped out from some of the many side effects of the antibiotics they've kept me on for 6 months...and then all of a sudden Baby decided now was the ideal time to stop moving for 2 days.

well all of the stress was worth it. i had a sono done and below are a couple of the pix

I'm not quite sure who's nose that is...and lord knows those aren't my lips...we'll see what she looks like at birth cuz everything i thought seems to be totally off.

i sent the pix to Aaron and Mom and then (against my better judgement)I send a copy of the pictures to MIL....

everyone else responded with the usual "ooh"s and "awww"s...

My conversation with MIL

MIL : Omg!!Ijust told Lilliana she shed will look like me...Lol
Me (at least 3 minutes later after i tried to find a nicer response) : Lol. I'm hoping she'll look lik eme

MIL: Well ok maybe Aaron will have a little i hope at least the smile

i swear this woman wasn't so annoying before I was pregnant. now all of a sudden everything has to be about her. My mother swears its because I'm 'stealingher son away'...forreal?!...

I quit...the end

in the words of tuck "some ppl can't handle random acts of kindness" that will be the last time i send her any sonogram pix...obviously she can't handle them

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


So I took a final the other day

an hour and a half of Legal technology

It was particularly hard...it was rather tedious. on subjects the professor flipped through, giving a lot of small details about multiple topics but never really going into depth on any of them

of course the final asked that you go into detail

it was open book

open note

and open internet

and timed

no problem. i finished the test in a little over an hour

it was on blackboard. being a technology test the professor thought it best to put into use the technology we were paying for.

it probably would have been a good idea for him to test it out before the class started

halfway through my test the test stopped saving. i asked him he brushed it of and said keep going.

an hour later i call him over and try to save and submit it says the test is not complete...i show the teacher i've answered all the questions he says "submit it"




the entire screen flashes red and then turns onto and error page stating that i don't have access to be on this website

yep...erased the entire test

and he shrugs and says he'll come back to me....

long story short....an hour later he pulls the 5 ppl who had errors into the hallway and explains that he has no idea what happened but he'll get back to us in a few days.

i had to take the test over again.

i did significantly worse this time.

i blame my rage.

i have another final due tomorrow. A memo about a case. i wish i cared a little more.

i really just want this semester to be over. i want this program to be over.

i want to start over somewhere else. somewhere new...do something different.

be someone different for a day.

its just one of those days it seems....

Monday, April 18, 2011


I had a good weekend. its always nice to have those. hung out with an old friend and didn't worry about anything.

other than the phone call my mother had on friday afternoon with MIL....but we'll get back to that later

Tuck-tuck came over on Friday night/Saturday morning and stayed till sunday. We shopped like we had money and knocked out while watching movies. it was like the old times at McDaniel. We discussed relationships and growing up, children and heartbreaks. and candy. lol.

it was good to see her. we need to have more times like that. time seems to fly away from me sometimes and i catch myself thinking back and wondering where old friends went...and whether in my rush to keep up with life i some how missed sharing the days with them

i don't want to miss those moments...

as for MIL...she's up to her usual nonsense. she tried to compromise with my mother about the baby shower. as it will be at our house she has decided the "Christenning" will be at hers.

1) my daughter won't be christened. i'm not catholic. she's not going to be catholic

2) my mother can't make that decision. as she is not the one carrying the child and has no custodial claims to her. the correct person to discuss this with would be me or her son...

3) if your ass wants to make decisions maybe you should talk to me.


well she called me twice today. i picked up the second time. about a breast pump that would "cost me $35 a month" she says...thanks...i can pay for my own pump since i'm pretty sure that it will come back and bite me in the ass if i let you cover any costs for me.

she kept it short and sweet and almost seemed like the woman i knew before i got knocked up...

we both quickly got off the phone...maybe in hopes to preventing the eventual awkwardness that lives between us.

its unfortunate

i haven't heard from anyone in his family in over a month...i used to speak to cousins rather regularly...and then something happened. some huge catastrophe occured and now i've been kicked out of the family.

i probably should have seen that coming

i should have expected that in the end.

but I won't end up like his Aunt Anne...who sits silently in corners at family gatherings and rebels by avoiding them more than they avoid her...

i judged her before...for her silence

but now i understand

stay silent.

stay away

and protect yourself and your family.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

boundary stomper

i'm turning into one of those ppl who tells their friends to read their blog to get updates on my life

its kind of depressing to tell you the truth. i just can't seem to find time and space away from the boy to rankt and rave like i want to.

there's a woman at my office names Lizett. sweetest woman I've ever met. She's salvadorean. and she understands lol

i think she asks me how i'm feeling more than my mother does. well i guess i'm stressed out because i started telling her my MIL issues. she was very straight forward

"there are a lot of ppl from my country that never learn the social graces..."

"its called mamita' but don't tell your BF i said that...she's having a hard time letting go"

"you have to be smart about it. don't make it seem like he has to choose between you and his mother. you'll never win that. eventually he will go back to his mother...they always do... you just have to explain to him...about boundaries. that the decisions that you make as a couple they are important....that you don't want to always have these fights...that even though we're young, we are adults..."

"its about respect..."

"she's afraid that she's losing a son...she thinks that since you're marrying her son that you are her daughter and thus she's able to tell you how to do things"

"don't let this stress you out. this should be the happiest time in your life. if you're stressed you will get depressed and that will affect the baby..."

i wish i had taken notes while she was talking. i wish i could have recorded it. i wish i could take her with me...

she asked me if we were moving away. that we should. move out of the state...if there was distance than she wouldn't feel so inclined to try to impose rules

she just kept telling me to be smart and to be careful. that this was about family dynamics. that the things to focus on was my relationship, my child and myself...everything else was secondary...

"maybe you should have your mom talk to her...maybe it will mean more coming from someone older"

"just pray about it. pray that the lord touches her heart...helps her to understand..."

it was good to talk to her. After yesterday when all of a sudden aaron switched and said "oh yeah we should have had the wedding reception/baby shower thing at my house so more ppl could come" i thought i was going to lose it.

i thought we were going to wait a year and then have a big reception or something...

i thought we'd decided to have it here

what are you talking about a wedding reception...


I'm not going to keep doing this. Everytime a decision is made have him talk to his mother and have it all switch again. I can't do it. I'll lose my mind.

i told my mother that if this is how it's going to be then i just won't get married. i'll just stay friends with him and just worry about my baby....i can't do this. i can't live in a world where what i say means nothing - and it was never like this before. i remember a time when it was totally different...now its all changed. i won't have this as my future. i won't end up how mother was for 20 years. silent behind a man controlled by his mother.

i deserve better than that.

my baby deserves better

hell aaron even deserves better

but thats hard to say after he has been controlled by the women in his life for the last 25 years.

sometimes i wonder if aaorn is with me because he wants to be...or because his family preferred my to Option B...

and probably only because she didn't allow half of the bullshit that i did...

maybe he should have stayed and save dus both the trouble

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

this chick....smh

ok so the post below was actually from yesterday. I was trying to update, but i had to leave for one of the walks i had mentioned. I was absolutely furious!!!

well i contact my mother and let her know everythign thats going on and that MIL is asking for someone else to contact other than me. Mom says to give her cell phone number and tell MIL to call her if she wants.

So I when I get home I tell my mom about the awkward conversation and how upset I was and she was really lackluster about it. I was blown and she was just brushing it off and kept asking about baby shower plans.

Finally I called her on it and she was like "i'm not going to deal with her personality when she calls...i had a crazy mother in law. i want to be able to answer every question directly do she can't try to manipulate the situation..."

So this chick calls my mom like an hour later. i was in the house listening to the whole thing and trying to keep my comments to myself. when my mom got off the phone she was like:

"wow she's a piece of work."

She kept pushing the park idea and my mom kept saying that it was at our house and that i had already planned it out and MIl tried to say that in her famiyl baby showers are always a suprise and Mom said well Holly knows what she wants and if its a surprise she can't really pick and choose her own baby stuff. she kept pushing "well this is her first baby and we've all been there..." and MIL was like "oh...i never thought of it that way..."
it was like every time my mom told her about one decision she'd try to push somehting else.

"we're getting finger foods"
"well we wanted to make food"
"I'm buying the wedding cake"
"well IU thought I was getin gthe wedding cake"
then the kicker MIL asks "will there be alcohol?"
ummm...no...its a baby shower. maybe champage to toast their wedding...but thats probably it
"well there needs to be alcohol...thats what my family does..."

i calmed down by the time aaron got to my house but we still had a long talk about it...that i don't think its fair that i can't make any decisions about my own baby. that i've already been told where my babyshower can be, who can be invited, what my baby is dedicated in, what jewlery she can wear and what blanket she sleeps on. the way things are going i don't even want a baby shower anymore

he apologized about his mom and he wasn't very supportive when i was texting him like mad during the day...he was like "just call next time...i can't text at work."

i told him that if this is how the baby shower is i don't even want to see the first birthday. i'm not going to have alcohol there either. if its for my baby then why does everyone get drunk and what...they take a nap. wtf is that?! if its about my baby then its about them and if this shower is about me...then its about me...so why does everyone else get to get wasted and i have to just sit there and act like thats ok?

Aaron's a lot better when he's not around his mother. she's really manipulative. she's a nag and won't shut up till she gets her way. when he's at my house around my family its different. i dunno why saturday blew up the way that it did. i was really aggressive about everything and maybe that was the wrong way of dealing with the situation...but i felt like i was being backed into a corner. now sitting down and talking about it i don't want to strangle him. its better than he's not in the middle. just let me talk to her...or my mother. lol.

and the whole going through my mother bullshit. thats going to stop! i'm not going to have a grown woman telling on my to my mother when i don't do what she wants.

my mom keeps asking what lorena can buy...since it seems to be a big deal that she get something big...i told my mother it would be really big of her (MIL) if she would shut the F up and let us plan the shower"

The sad part about all of this is that I joined this message board on babycenter.com. the board is called "Dealing With you In Laws and family of origin" or DWIL as we call it for short. I used to go on and ther eand laugh thanking god that I didn't have a MIL like that. that even when she got on my nerves it wasn't that bad.

last week there was a woman who has cut off her mother in law for over stepping her position. Well MIL got upset and called the woman's mother to tell on her.


i didn't even know what to say...

and then yesterday happened.

I love my BF. I adore him and I'm really glad that he understands or is trying to understand what I am going through. I don't want to start a family war with this woman, but I'm not going to give up on things just ebcause she wants it a different way. and no one has ever gotten anytthing from my by being passive aggressive. If she wants to talk we can talk...but her going behind my back to complain to everyone else that I'm not including her in each and every one of my plans...well thats going to make me avoid you.

she's being really needy and it's kind of annoying.

let me enjoy my pregnancy.

let me enjoy the only first time of this I will ever have.

if it turns into a constant war for attention she'll win. she'll win because i'll leave and she can have all of the attention for why no one ever see the grandchild.

i'm not just anyone here...we've known each other for 4 years now. don't be surprised that I do what I've always done.

so back up and let me keep on goign

Monday, April 11, 2011


so my MIL.... I never had an issue with her before this moment.

Well let me specify and say before I was pregnant.

We actually got along really well.

We spoke all the time...even when aaron and I weren't together we spoke. and now all of a sudden things have flipped...and she's turned into a monster.

monster is rather harsh.

i don't know if i could says she's being a monster as much as she's just being passive aggressive, overbearing and needy. i think that's more specific.

she won't talk to me anymore. i mean at all. she tried calling me once and i didnt answer...but i saw her the next day.

we see each other at least once a week and yet the only time she'll talk to me is if i force a conversation out of her. and even then its on mundane issues and then once i leave you whines and complains to aaron about how she keeps trying to talk to me and that i'm avoiding her...wtf... keeps? keeps implies plural. your ass called me once.

so i called her yesterday. to talk about everything...and she's openly hostile about it.

"hey MIL" -me
"hi" -her
"how are you" -me
"oh i didn't know who this was..." -her (you get the idea)
"oh...lol...aaron says you're been trying to contact me"
"yeah i called you and you never called me back"
"oh...lol...yeah i was knocked out...but i saw you the next day"
"yeah well you didn't let me talk to you"
"oh...haha...what do you want to talk about"
"well i want to talk about the baby shower. i talked to aaron did he talk to you"
"yeah he told me some stuff what do you want to talk about"
"well what did he say"
"What do you want to talk about?!"

it was ugly. the whole conversation. it was like we kept saying the same thing over and over

"i never said you couldn't have the baby shower at my house i just found this park and thought you'd want to have it there"
"oh...lol...well i really don't want my baby shower at a park. I've talked to my mom and we're thinking about having it there"
"well i really thought you'd want to have it at a park"
"no...not really. i really want it somewhere inside and more intimate like someone's house"
"oh...well there's so much more room at the park"
"i don't want it at a park...(awkward laugh to lighten the mood)...i think we're just going to have it at my mom's house"

on and on.

she told me that i'm spending too much money and not giving anyone else a chance to buy anything. and i told her that aaron and i have been saving and i'm not spending anythign that i haven't budgeted for. the only things i bought were a crib, a stroller, which came with the carsear and a basinett.
"well you really shouldn't be spending so much money"
"its ok. we've saved for this."
"well you're buying everything and not letting anyone else buy things"
"i haven't bought everything. I bought the things i'm really particular about...there's more things to buy"
"well i really think you should be saving instead"
"oh. ok...."

i asked her who she wanted to invite and she told me she found some invitations to download for the baby shower and i told her that i've already found the ones that i want to order online and i have no problem paying for the invitations...i just need to know who she wants to invite.
"well i was only going to invite family and a few friends"
"oh ok." "but i can't because that would be too many"
"no it wouldn't. i understand my house is smaller than yours, but we're going to do it like an open house. ppl can come and chill and go as they please"
"yeah well i dunno"
"yeah. we have plenty of room. ppl can still come"
"no i don't think so..."
"so you're not going to invite the ppl you want to invite?"
"well i only was going to invite the family and some friends...but they won't all fit. so no" "they would fit..."
"no i don't think they would...i just really thought you wanted to have it in a park"
"no i really odn't want it in a park. we're going to have it at my house. you can still invite your family and friends"
"well the family is so big. you know you can still have it at our house"
"so what you're trying to say if it it was at your house you'd invite the family"
"well yeah..."
"oo...ok...well my ideal baby shower would be somehting small and intimate and we're going to have it at my house...but you can still invite your family and friends"

wtf. This bitch is crazy. she just kept going until i finally asked "are you ok? you sound kind of upset..."
"no i'm not upset."
"are you sure."
"yeah i just cna't talk about it. you know where i am"
i assumed she meant emotionally...like frustrated or overwhelmed so i said "no...i don't..."
"well holly...where did you call me at?!"
"oh....at work..."
"so you know i can't talk about it."
bitch! "well even though you're AT WORK...you still seem upset. are you sure you don't want to talk about it?!"

She blew the crap out of me. dumb ho. i was so mad i had to take a walk like twice just to calm down.

i had no problem having it at her house. but i told my mom when she all of a sudden changed her mind about the location and mom offered our house because i didn't want it at some rec center or at a park in the middle of june. we recarpeted the whole house and mom's redecorating so its homier. she's really excited about it...i'm not changing the location because she's jealous.


get over it. i told her if she wants to have something at a park then thats fine. i really only wanted one baby shower and i wanted something to bring the whole family together...but i really would prefer not having it at a park.

she's turning into a monster and she was never like this. ever since she came back from visiting her mother in florida she's been a monster...and she only wants to talk to aaron...and then she keeps demanding this family meetings with the 3 of us. i snapped at aaron "SHE'S NOT MY FAMILY...YOU ARE!!! I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A FAMILY SIT DOWN WITH HER. she's not my mother...she's yours."

He didn't really appreciate that...but i don't appreciate her talking to me like i'm a child or telling me how and when i should spend my money. i understand that she was 22 and got pregnant by some asshole she worked with who claimed the baby wasn't his and that sucks...but thats not the situation that i'm in. aaron and i are grown and can take care of ourselves. i don't mind suggestions...but i'm not new to the rodeo...aaron and i will be fine.

Keeps fucking with me and you'll see my kid twice a year.

its going to be a long 18 years... i'm just imaging if this is how it is about the baby shower...imagine the baby's first birthday

i think i'm just going to say fuck it and move to CA with a cousin of mine. the way things are going i might not marry aaron, just because i don't want to be forced to deal with the monster-in-law for the rest of my life...

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

moving on...

i think i am reasonably over my anger...or frustration... it took me a little bit to calm down. seeing that the drama was still unfolding on monday i had to wait till tuesday to breathe a sigh of relief. no new comments it seems. nothing new to report on. not that things ahve been silent by any means but nothing that gives me the incentive to act a fool. on another note - i had to move up my doctor's appointment that had been scheduled for friday to yesterday. i feel like ever antibiotic they give me has a side effects that almost as bad if not worse than the original problem. the doctor kind of rushed me in and out. blew the crap out of me...but we'll talk about that at the next appointment. after 28 weeks they say i'll be coming in every 2 weeks. that should be interesting trying to work and take off for all of these appointments. found a date and location for the baby shower have the date for the wedding finals are next week... everything is just speeding up around me. c'est la vie.... i have nothing to complain about today

Monday, April 4, 2011

atlantic city

honey...my problem isn't with you..

you're just another girl in a passing stream. you're just a chess piece in this game aaron is playing with his friends. you could easily be replaced with someone else.

its simply the fact that the game is still going that confuses me. i'm not worried about you...other than the fact that you keep placing yourself in situations where you continuously get hurt. i don't know why you do...if this is going to be how things continue to be at least i'll know in advance. . . . . .

hell what's your address? i'll send you a personal invite to the baby shower. . don't get it twisted. . please. .

my problem is with someone else entirely... now keep writing about my online...then we might have to talk... you let me know...eh? . .

xoxo .

-Holly . . .

question: "ur marrying him...why are you still worried about me?"
. answer: "i'm not. but i'm marrying him...so why are you still chasing after him like a bitch in heat?

Friday, April 1, 2011

22 weeks 1 day

i actually checked out if i ever get views. i've never done that before. I was surprised that i do. not many...i don't expect a lot. i sense that most melodramatic blogs are similar. maybe i should start writing better. something less dramatic...or more dramatic... something daring an adventure... but unfortunately this is the first real adventure i've ever been on...and i'm trying to find my footing through it all. lets see...what can i update. i'm huge. i can no longer see my feet. i don't know if its due to my boobs or my belly or a strange combination of the two. i've been wearing sneakers for the past week. i can't imagine bending down to find my flats...and for some reason my heels hurt. the things ppl never tell you about pregnancy i need better shoes. i'm thinking about buying some sperrys. i've heard they're amazing for your feet and i need something better than the cheap flats i've been wearing since college. the only thing is i have a slight hatred of the shoes. ok maybe not the shoes...i've never worn them so i can't really have an opinion of the shoe...but rather of the memory of the first time i saw aaron in them and the story of his sponsor buying them for him eh. i just don't want to give him incentive to wear them again one day i'm going to get over my disgust.

hopefully around the time that i wear these shoes.
i bought a rocking chair for the house. invested in a couch and set up my room/nursery. things are really coming together. aaron is moving in in June. it would be earlier if we moved up the wedding, but i really want to keep it on our anniversary in a snap he told me he didn't understand why it had to be that day. "we broke up...that was the past. what we have going on now has nothing to do with then..that anniversary doesn't mean anything..." "so the past 3 years don't mean anything either?" he was silent then. just looked at me. if it was up to him we would have just gone to the courthouse in April and kept things moving. he doesn't want anything big....but he has a family of 573...nothing is every small... we'll see what happen. grrr...baby is kicking...gotta pee....maybe i'll update later

Monday, March 28, 2011

lots of stuff and a couple lessons in the end

so things are still weird between MIL and me. i keep hoping that it would go back to the way it was before...but i dunno. she still hasn't mentioned anything about the baby shower to me. i saw her on sunday and i think she knows that i'm just not interested in her ish. she tried to cause a big scene that i didn't go out of my way to say hello to her...and then later she tried to act like we were BFFs by rubbing up on my stomach and telling me stuff about my baby that was wrong...and he BF decided to start quoting facts that I taught him incorrectly and when i tried to correct him said "don't try to tell me...you know i know..." homie...sit down. learn english first. ok now i'm just being stank. so the baby shower is going to be at my house. mom says only about 25 ppl...and just the essentials would be about 35 ppl...and inviting aaron's family alone would be 30 ppl not counting the 30 ppl i want to invite... so the options are 1: ask his mother who she would want to bring and tell her that i can only have around 25...and then be pissed when she a) doesn't respond or b) says no one OR 2: not ask her her opinion. only ask the main ppl in aaron's family not including extended family who probably wouldn't show anyway...deal with their random ish about not being invited and move on with life i don't think i'm going to ask MIL. I think i'm going to go through aaron with any questions or concerns i have as she has yet to tell me anything. i'm over it. my kid...my rules. the main thing i want aaron to tell her is i don't want 2 baby showers. the point was the bring the whole group together to get to know each other and she shot that one out of the sky. well fuck it. i'm inviting my friends...its my baby shower...and if you're family isn't invited its because i don't consider them friends or family... i just want to get it all over with. i usually just avoid having parties to not offend ppl. well i'm over that option. i've been offended. i bought a bassinet. i think this is all a part of nesting. i can't stop buying things that i think are necessary. i just swear no one is going to get the things that i think are essential..so i just keep getting it. one of my coworkers (Morgen) who also cloth diapers (CD) has given me tons of hints and tricks. she told me to check out craigslist...which i used to do for everything else...but now i'm doing it for this. found an arms reach baby bassinet for $60 already assembled and in pristine condition. i bought it immediately. def. don't have room for it at the moment...but i'll figure something out. i'm just happy i have it. so for now: Crib - CHECK Bassinet - CHECK Stroller and car seat - CHECK CHECK and starting on a CD collection... on a different note - i watched Eat Pray Love this weekend. I started watching it while waiting for aaron and finished watching it while he played video games. i had already figured out the point of the movie within the first 20 minutes...and told him what i figured the point was. a woman leaving a divorce and trying to find herself...but quickly realizing that since the age of 13 has lost herself complete within the ppl she dates. its a story of finding yourself and keeping yourself in and out of relationships the final point being the idea of a soul mate - someone who is the opposite of you in every way...who can stop and make you think about the world in a different way
"...A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything thats holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever. Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."
I've heard that quote before. I read it about a year ago in a blog that a woman wrote about my BF. it had broken my heart to think that anyone could consider him their soul mate or that he could consider them as such. i watched the movie to prove to myself that they were wrong...i didn't find what they did in the story. i didn't find that moment of clarification. the moment that hit me hardest was a moment near the end of the movie
"I don't need to love you to prove that I love myself."
I remember that moment. I remember when I said something similar to Aaron. It had hurt him and I hadn't meant for it to. I just had needed to find myself, much as Liz had. I needed to run away from the life that I kept getting stuck in to find out who I was and where I was going. did I find a soul mate along the way. no...i don't think so. i think there has always been a person who shakes up how i see the world. a couple of ppl that ride in as a cavalry when even i fall down and shake things up and show my how things are supposed to be. or how things should never be. and after everything got knocked upside down i realized that i could love myself without him. i could love myself just has hard with him... do i think that they weer soul mates. it would still break my heart too much to say so. personally...no...i don't think so. i think that they both dove head first into something to hide from who they were or where they were going. but i can't fault them for that. i've done that. i've said before that everyone learns lessons differently. and there are moments where i am sorry that i jumped in and someone was hurt. i apologize for that almost daily...it wasn't my intention. i feel a lot like Liz in the beginning when she realized she didn't want to be married after all...and she left and apologized. and there was a moment where it all became clear again "But I love him" "So love him" "But I miss him" "So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll be really alone and Liz is scared to death of what will happen if she' s really alone. But here's what you gotta understand....If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and full you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go" "But I wish me and David could - " He cuts me off, " See , now that's your problem. You're wishin too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." I wish i'd found this book when i was alone and scared...it would have meant a lot to me...and maybe it would have helped some too. the movie...not so much. as in all american flicks...in the end she finds some beautiful foreign man who will love her more than she'll need to love him and she sails into the sunset...totally throwing away everythign we learned in the last 2 hours. the food scene were pretty sexy though

Friday, March 25, 2011

about to make it pour

So I have this crazy idea that is probably going to get me into a lot of trouble. maybe it's because i'm selfish. maybe it's because i'm protective. maybe it's because as soon as i think of being a mother i turn into a hippie mama bear... but i think i want my kid off of facebook. 10 years ago that wouldn't even have been an issue. 5 years ago it would have been innovative to put them online. now its so over played...i want them off. my niece is a facebook celebrity. her face has been splashed across the cover page since she was right out of the womb. she has a daily update and probably followers. i feel like if i googled her names she'd have more hits than i do... i don't want that for my child. i feel like if you want to see her you can come see her. if you want to see pictures we'll upload pictures. do i want albums upon albums of her face copied and pasted on the internet. no i think i might start another blogger. i nicer one that doesn't deal with the feelings and emotions on certain things. have something dedicated to her that ppl can see. they can click into it and view the new comings and going. see what she's eaten, what she likes...but they can't take anything back. read: no right clicking. if you want a picture you better ask for one i want the number of pictures of her limited on facebook. there are too many ppl on there who i don't want in my or her life. maybe once in a while. maybe occassionally. on holidays or birthdays...but everyday. no and even then i want to know before you start posting pictures of her. i know a lot of people who aren't going to like that. well i push her out...i make the rules. if aaron wants to post pictures, ok. if i do. fine...but i'm not having a family of 75 that only want to be in her life for the novelty factor shooting of reams of pictures for ppl i don't know and who have nothign to do with us to see. the internet is public domain, i understand that. you can't copyright something that's not published...you can't hide anything on facebook. well i won't let her life be ruined by some picture someone else posted. its going to be a long talk that i have to have with her father...and a longer one with my family... but its not up for discussion. i'm her mother.... we're her parents the end

Monday, March 21, 2011

i think i might kill my MIL...

I had a shorter post earlier this morning, but i thought it might be better to expand a little.

I have nothing against Mother-in-Law.

I can't judge her parenting style or her life choices...or I can, but I'm going to choose not to for this entry...or this sentence. She raised two children to majority without any major mishaps. She lives comfortably with her family and she take care of her business... We got along fine for years.

Even when Bear-Bear and I weren't together MIL and I still spoke. We still caught up on major holidays, I sent pictures of my niece to her. I even hung out at her house on several occasions.

Everything was honky dory...until i found out i was pregnant... ::que the horror music:: in the beginning it was just little things. i told her i was pregnant and she lectured me as everyone was doing...i expected it...i let her with just a nod and silence.

then when BF told her she hugged and soothed and told him how everything was going to be ok. then she wanted a sit down with my mother and myself and her and aaron. ok fine...get your words out. she lectured, we assumed more for aaron than for me. i didn't take it seriously. i had already heard the talk. i already knew what she'd say. but there was a moment when things began to change

"i'm here for you both, aaron, you know that. i'm here for you emotionally...but not financially"

hmm...that one rubbed me the wrong way.

i'm not one to ask for things...unless i'm at a bar and want a drink...and even then i don't really ask for it.

i don't depend on ppl financially and i really haven't since i went to college. when we found out i was pregnant aaron and i were planning on moving out. we had a place. we just needed to sign the paper work. then this happened and i decided i wanted to save everything instead. we didn't ask for any money from either one of them. we didn't even ask for a place to stay...but the first thing she thinks to say in front of my mother is she's not here for us financially... my mother even mentioned it.

"hmm...thats strange," she said later. "You're my child. I will help you as much as I can..."

I let it slide and didn't say anything. then later when we were joking around, MIL and SIL and i...she started telling me everything i needed to put on it. she emphasized 2 car seats and 2 strollers... no thats not necessary. i know aaron and he's not going to have a car seat in his car if there isn't a baby in it...and he's not going to push a stroller when he can just carry her...she disagreed saying we'd need two. noo...we're just going to get 1

"well i want a stroller and a car seat for over here"


i walked away.

i tend to do that a lot recently.

"so are you going to be grandma or GG?"
"no i'm not going to be grandma..."
while cringing "ok so what are you going to be?"
"well all the kids call my mom Mama..."
"oh..the great grandma...::blank stare::..."
"so i think i'll do that too"
"umm what...i dunno about that. 3 mamas...no i don't think so"
"yeah...i don't want to be grandma...i'll be mama"


walks away

"the hospital you go to is horrible. you should have the baby at the hospital where i work"
"no, thanks...i like my hospital"
"but aaron was born there...then him and his daughter could both be born there"
"i was born in CA...but my baby isn't going to be born there..."

walks away
"i've chose the baby shower colors. i'm sure i want purple"
"no you should have pink"
"no...my sisters was pink and i didn't like it. i've decided on purple"
"no...it should be pink"

walks away

"did you make up that name for the baby"
"no its actually a name. it means [insert meaning]"
"hmmm...i dunno about that...maybe it'll grow on me.."

walks away

she's starting to blow me...i don't really know how to handle her from this point. aaron wants to keep things fair. what my mother knows he thinks his mother should.

my mother name is part of baby's middle name so his mother name should be as well [denied].

it just keeps going. i'm going to stop telling him things till we move in together...her influence is just too strong... i never thought i'd have one of those MIL that i would dread...but i'm going to... i don't think she realizes that after 4 years of knowing me i'm not going to be the push over she think i will...she'll ever move over or be walked over...but i'm not competing for first place when i've already won...
that was harsh...but fuck it...

we have 18 more years of this shit to go...

Friday, March 18, 2011

Maybe I'll do better and add more pictures to these posts

there's my baby bear. I thought it was about time that I start adding more pictures. It hasn't really felt real up until this point. Now there is no hiding it. I'm starting to feel pregnant. I'm huge. my ankles swell if i eat too much salt. i can't sleep comfortably...i'm awkwardly addicted to aaron and i dream about peanut butter.

this was baby bear at 19weeks 1 day. exactly a week ago. she was having a fit. I'm assuming the ultrasound was a bit too noisy for her. she tends to act up whenever it's time for pictures. She's still a little girl. I had them check again just in case.

Aaron swears he's known from the beginning...i think it's all lies...

i really wouldn't be surprised if come August a little boy pops out...it would be the story of my life to have a little boy and all pink frills for him to wear

I think I'm getting excited now. or at least i'm settling into the fact that this is real...whichever one...

half way through this step...a whole new life in 20 weeks.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

hide the sharp objects

I'm not married...but i feel like i some how inherited a mother in law.

and I'm glad I like her....I had to watch my mother and grandmother fight for years simply because neither would back down from being number one for my father...not that that turned out so well for either of them.

I feel like regardless of how much you like each other...she wouldn't be your mother in law if you didnt want to stab her in the eye once in a while

i had that feeling yesterday

i was planning on giving birth at holy cross hospital. my OB has an office in the physician's building- but my OBs office is starting to get on my nerves. I had started off with one OB-GYN before i knew I was pregnant. then at the end of my first trimester he broke it to me that he didn't deliver anymore...so i needed to find another doctor from the 7 working in the office. i thought the idea was peachy until i realized that even if i saw a different doctor each time i went in...it was possible on delivery day that i would see someone i didn't know.


...not a fan of this concept...

then everytime i go in they swear i have some sort of illness. i refuse to take another zpack. it can't be healthy. whatever it is you think it is...i think its just how i've been surviving. i'd like a second opinion. if my baby is born with 12 fingers and 17 toes i'm suing.

i had mentioned this to MIL and she told me that she loved her OB Gyn and they worked in the hospital where she worked.

"great. give me their number and i'll give them a call"

she never gave me the number...

i mentioned it to mom and she warned me...you know if its where she works she's going to be there all the time...i dunno how you feel about that....but eh...

not to mention the hospital is in the middle of DC. i don't live far from DC...but when i'm in labor i'm night fighting traffic to get there

so i asked my sister for the name of her OB since I've met them before when my niece was born. She never gave me the number either


well i googled and found them...or someone close by. i don't give a fuck anymore...i'm not askign anyone else.

well last night they asked (MIL and fam) where I was delivering.

[insert name of hospital]

wtf does that mean.

SIL said I should go to georgetown where she was when she was a baby
MIL said where she works...

FIL said yeah if you go where she works she'll have the whole 7th floor watching the delivery.

i walked out of the room

it turned into a pretty heated discussion about when i'm in labor and once my water breaks and how much time i'll need to get to a hospital. SIL tried to tell me if my water break at georgetown when i'm in class then i'm not going to make it to my hospital i better go to gtown hospital.

1) my gtown classes are no where near the hospital
2) i don't go to gtown hospital and the first time i go won't be when i'm giving birth
3) how is a 20 year old going to tell me how much time i'll have to get to a hospital before i give bith
she also started telling me what surgeries my feturn will need if they have spinabifita
who the fuck does that

MIL started telling me that she couldn't even walk once her water broke...because the water was gushing everywhere.

i don't give a fuck. if my option is to give birth in my classroom/office/car or getting up and getting to my hospital...trust i will walk leaking to the hospital

these ppl must not know that i already saw my sister go through this. none of it will be a surprise except for the pain.

they blew me...

aaron had already walked away at this point...while i'm standing their arguing about how they are uneducated and don't know what they're talking about and they try to tell me every old wives tale/personal experience/ family memory that should make me trust their opinion.

i love their family structure. from day one i loved the big family unit. the shouting and laughing and getting along. that fights turn into a friendly banter within minutes. i loved the stories of the old country...of all of the countried. of old wive tales that work and modern remedies that are bullshit. but i think i liked it as a story time...rather than the last and final statement.

well now i'm officially part of the fam...i'm supposed to take the stories as law....i've never done that well.

and aaron just ignores it. unless its my fam vs. his. i think our family discussions might have to just remain between our immediate family...or we both might kill someone...

or i might

stab someone in the eye...