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Thursday, May 27, 2010

no real subject actually...

I'm headed tot he beach tonight...with 3 skinny bitches. lol. not the best choice...but its too late.
i'm ok being the fat friend. it won't be the first time.

i should have packed last night, but instead decided to shave my legs and pile clothes on the floor

-what i need to bring

- what i want to bring

- what i really don't need
but will most likely end up
in my luggage anyway

I now have like 6 swim suits and 4 pairs of leggings and 2 leotards and 3 pairs of shorts and heels and heels and heels and nothing packed.

i'm still trying to decide if i want to go to the gym today or just go straight to get my nails done and do my hair. but i kind of want to see my la fitness crush one last time...just in case i miss him next time i go...like last time i went...

this entry is rather lack luster today. but i refuse to type out the thoughts i'm thinking...because i'm done talking about them

i went to orientation at Trinity University yesterday. I got into the Masters of Arts in Teaching. They've already signed me up for summer classes and i just need to talk to financial aid. the only problem is i don't know if this is what i want. i'm just waiting to see if i get into Heidelberg. I might ask to defer until the fall...just in case. so i don't start paying for something and sign up for loans that i don't want to have.

i just stopped to send my sister an email about it. hopefully she can help me figure my life out...because sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing.

i just finished reading

it was really good. The Author: Sarah Addison Allen has only written 3 books, and I've finished all of them since i started "one click" shopping at Amazon.com last week.

she writes in this enchanted sort of magical realism. where its not surprising that eating in apple will show you your future, or baking a cake will give people hope.

its beautiful

i mean at the end of a day its a romance story just like every other book...but there's more there. there' are lives,

"There was a type of craziness caused by long-term complacency...There were
midlife crises and hot flashes. There were bad decisions. There were affairs.
There was a certain point when sometimes someone said, I've just had

and fears,

"Being left makes you doubt your ability to keep people, even friends." pg.

and hopes. and

"So, you're back."
"i'm back."
"I'm glad."
Sydney shook her head. This was an unexpected turn to her day. You are,
quite possibly, the first person to actually say that to me."
"Well, the best things are worth waiting for."


Fred was left to watch him go. "I used to overhear the checkout girls int
he break room," Fred finally said softly to no one in particular. Evanelle
wondered if he even remembered she was there. "I used to think they were such
silly teenagers. believing the worst hurt in the world was when you couldn't let
go of someone who had stopped loving you. They always wanted to know why. Why didn't the boy love them anymore? They said it with such anguish."
Without another word, Fred turned and walked away.

and forevers
"No one I know has ever had this forever."
"I think of the future all the time. All of my life I've chased dreams of
what could be. For the first time in my life, I've actually caught on." He
kissed her again before grabbing his shirt and standing. "I'll give you one
day at a time Claire. But remember, I'm thousands of days ahead already."
pg. 233

I love books like that. books that just take the words right out of your soul...and give them back as if you never knew that they took them

"It feels like he's taken your heart, doesn't it?...Like he's reached in and
pulled it out from you. And I bet he smiles like he doesn't know, like he
doesn't know he's holding your heart in his hand and you're dying from him." The Sugar Queen Sarah Addison Allen

words you've thought. and words you've always wanted to here

"I spend so much time telling myself that this wasn't home that I started
to believe it," she said carefully. "Belonging has always been tough for
"I can be your home," he said quietly. "Belong to me." The Girl Who
Chased the Moon
Sarah Addison Allen

now i have to find a new author. The problem with reading everything someone has ever written is that you're constantly looking for someone else to read....

well thats all for now...maybe i'll actually formulate my thoughts into a real entry later on....

if not...well than i'm sure there will be tons to talk about when i get back from the beach

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

are you ready?

i went out with Bran yesterday. Its nothing out of the ordinary. we've been having movie dates for the last 5 years...but it feels like things are changing...and the thought kind of terrifies me

my mother was actually awake when he came to pick me up. so was anneliese, so he finally got to meet her. she didn't hate him. thats the affect Bran has on people. no one can hate him. its not possible.

my mother has loved bran since the first moment she saw him. i had forgotten how long it was since she's seen him, since i've seen him every year (minus the 2 we don't speak of) and i guess i've become accustomed to him in that way. she couldn't stop gushing over the changed i've never noticed.

oh my goodness. you've grown. look Meghan, look how tall he is. But you
still have that baby face. awww, Bran, you're so cute. still cute, you were
always so cute

he laughed. in that good natured way that is brandon.

oh my goodness. listen to your voice. its gotten so deep. Meghan, did you hear
how deep his voice is...

i never noticed, but i guess thats how it goes. you don't notice something right in front of you. you don't see the subtle changes until someone else points them out.

this morning my mother told me she'd date Bran if she was my age

what? a handsome black man going places, are you kidding me? yeah i'd date him.
he's a catch. i don't know what's wrong with you...you need to scoop that up...

my sister even gave me the eye.

i don't know what has come over everyone.

i told my mother the thought terrified me.

what if it doesn't work out...then not only have i lost him...i've lost my
best friend

she looked at me, as serious as she's ever been

than don't let them...

as if it were that easy.

the situation between the two of us has been so complicated it would take years to untangle them all. but it all comes down to the basic fact that

he deserves better

and i don't know if he knows it, but i do and thats scarier than anything else. that if he were to ever realize that it would break my heart.

i usually avoid situations like this. running from people that i consider better than me. smarter than me, doing more than i could possibly imagine doing...if you're a faithful reader you've probably already figured that out. my insecurity probably stems from the Bran situation. the constant knowing that his waiting was more than i could ever deserve.

more than anyone could


i dunno

it scares me

to be so vulnerable in that way

i;d prefer my vulnerability in putting too much faith in people. expecting too much for them. wanting too much. waiting too long

i prefer to be the bran in my relationships

i'm absolutely terrified to be the me there

and to be expected of.

to both want more....

but who ever said growing up was ever going to be easy?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

listen to my words

"well if i can teach you anything don't do what i did. focus 100% on you! be completely selfish for the next 5 years. go to school, travel, date, have fun. don't waste time on men who don't deserve you. when it's not fun anymore, bounce. make them meet you at your level. do no settle. and don't limit yourself. the world is big. love comes at all ages."

my sister told me that sometime last summer. sometimes her words of wisdom just come back to me.

they mock me usually.

little things someone had told me, but i didn't listen to. but i want those words pasted on my forehead so i have to read them every time i look in the mirror. i want them tattooed to my heart. i want a constant reminder of it.

i want it to be my alarm clock in the morning and my lullaby at night.

and i want to sing it as a hymn to my daughters.

"want more, my loves.

demand more, my sweet.

know that no one will ever deserve you"

and i want them to believe it.

and then i'll show them what love really looks like...even if i was too young to realize it and then too old to say i'm sorry when i did

::selection of untitled by Virus::

i concur
and i nicknamed you earth, because i thnk the world of you
even from a world or two,
i'd poke my eyes out
just to be a blind
man, and read the braille along the
firmness of your skin
the temptations
sung, the sensations
brung me a
i'd sacrifice my poetry for you
not just for anyone, for you
not just for everyone, for you
i do not need you to be behind me,
i want you
to be beside me. side by side
strive to be
more than us. more than just
a relationship
but a relation with out inner selves.

sometimes words are enough

we interrupt the regularly schedules broadcast-

I've never been big on purchasing music. I think it has a lot to do with being the youngest in the 21st century. If i couldn't find it among the collection my sister, brother or their friends then I would probably find it at Jessica's house. I think the first CD i actually purchased- on the day of its release and in general- was N'SYNC no strings attached. I later used the same CD in a fashion show on a kilt I made for Kenny.

I just have never seen the point. I guess its because i think music is universal. Its meant to share and enjoy and help us relate to each other and grow and accept and let go...a million and one things that shouldn't be hindered with nickles and dimes

but thats not exactly fair to the people who make a living out of it

maybe they should invest in other things- like Apple, or itunes or limewire

i think the best music comes from the people who struggle to get it out. Like the best basketball is in college, when everyone is fighting to make it into the NBA, once you're in you're doing just enough to stay and not get injured, but on the way up you nearly kill yourself in trying to be the best.

i think artists best CDs are their first. when they are fighting for studio time, and fame and fortune and proving to everyone else that they deserve to be where they are.

then after that all the money get in the way and its not the same anymore

but once in a while there's an artist who is so talented they make me over look all of my negativity. An artist who has so much to say and so much to do they make me actually want to drive down to a tower records stand in line to hold a hard copy of their work.

right now that artist is Drake.

hopefully it will remain that way, but i tend to let go of things rather easily.

but i find him a breath of fresh air. someone with something to say. without an agenda to get him and the rest of his homies famous.

i'm intrigued by him. and i'm relieved to finally feel that way.

his album comes out June 15th, and i am already planning on the drive, and the line and fighting tweenagers down aisles so that i can have one of the last copies of a new album. to say i was on of the million to dish out $15+. we voted and showed that we approve. we believe in this one

we have listened and not been disappointed

i have yet to be disappointed

and that says a lot about a black man in america....

Monday, May 24, 2010

ok...i'm finished now

Saggitatius (Nov. 22- Dec21)
You will want to go over facts of a past encounter again and again, but nothing is likely to clarify anything further for you

sometimes its funny when your horoscope hits too close to home...sometimes it's not. i'm not quite sure what this is an example of...it just is...

i wish i had the horoscope that warned me of everythign in the beginning.


(sry had to find it)

Aries (March 21-April 19) ............................................ April 7, 2010
You may be trying to relive something that was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It may be time to move on freely

- - -
and then i was watching the Lakehouse this weekend and a quote jumped out andkicked me in the face

". . . I found you and I let myself get lost, lost in this beautiful fantasy when time stands still, but its not real, Alex. I have to learn to live the life I have got. please don't write anymore. Don't try to find me. Let me let you go." Kate

i think the lord, just stepped in and told me to get over it

well, hello past. haven't seen you in a while...

so i had a flash back this weekend. i went up to McDaniel and saw my buddy Tos and she brought up our friend Shalanda's wedding. She asked me if there was someone else there that i knew...that didn't go to school with us.

i said yes...i went to high school with this girl named Adrian...why was she talking shit?

of course she was...why did i even ask

supposedly she said how i used to be really cool until i started dating this guy and then i lost my mind.

i laughed

cracked up that something that happened 5 years ago was still showing up wherever i turned. it was hilarious in its simplicity

that no matter how far you go...you can't escape your past. and it was such a past...

i hit up Brandon. I had to tell him. I had to tell someone. Matt wouldn't understand, Ryan isn't a reliable enough penpal...and i don't talk to anyone else who would know. would understand.

who'd laugh

he didn't. i should have expected that. i should have known my hidden anger would be expressed in him. he was furious.

explosions of anger

WTF. That was 5 years ago!

i told him i was mad. that it was funny that she would say anything. she wasn't even there when everything went down. it didn't matter...

it was one of those moments we both realized that something would never change. somethings were ingrained in what people thought of us. years and years later.

and its funny that this all came about after i found my xanga. after i started to remember. but let me go back. come with me and see where this all started.

. . . .

I was 16 when i met them both. Ryan and Brandon. I met them and had no idea that they knew each other...but i probably should have. they reminded me of each other. the little things they said. the little ways they acted. but i didn't know.

My father had started acting crazy and i didn't make the field hockey team and 100 other things that ruin the lives of teenagers had my signing up to manage the football team at my high school. I was notoriously shy with people i didn't know, so i don't know how i got myself to do it...but i did. it was me, a tall skinny girl named bonnie and a tall round one name Ana and that was it. the 3 of us where ever they went. whatever they did.

Bonnie fit in better. she knew them. she had been a manager for 2 years already and she loved the team and they loved her. they accomodated Ana because she was a part of the packaged deal. it was a different kind of love i guess. Bonnie, a girl they could chill with and take home to mom, Ana who could chill. and me...who stayed on the outskirts...but was a part of the team eventually.

Ryan was on the team too. I don't know when i noticed him. when we first spoke. he was a running back. not because he loved football, but because he hated cross country and had to stay in shape for track- his true passion.

he was what all high school crushes were made of. tall and chocolate with a smile like sunshine...and innocence. or what i thought was innocence. and i was lost. hopeless lost in everything that made up


i knew my role. as friend. i knew he had a gf. not at first, but eventually. the on again off again relationship that made up his identity at school. but it was always there. in the back of my mind...but i was used to being the little sister.

i don't know when he got my number, but he never called. he'd text though. that was when i couldn't text back. and i'd wait all day until football practice when it was just him and i on the sidelines.

our little inside jokes. our little laughs. our secret smiles....everything and nothing. and heaven.

i met brandon in class. he sat behind me in physics. he was what bestfriends were made of. tall, and sturdy and honest. loyal to a fault. and knowledge, where ryans innocence was. and laughter to mask the pain that was always gently hidden inbig brown eyes.

i turned around one day and saw his sketch book and was intrigued by him. intrigued with what made up


he always could make me laugh. always had a story. and always was looking and watching and knowing.

it's so long ago i can't tell you how i found out that they knew each other. i can't tell you how little things turned out and became what they did. but it was them. the two best friends and me....and it changed everything the 3 of us.

i went to prom with Brandon. Asked him because i liked him and i knew we'd have fun.
it was the same week Ryan sent me a letter. he told me he always wished we'd been together. that he wasn't happy with her. that he'd always care about me

we all sat in the same limo. all three of us. with dates and extra.

and after prom brandon told me he loved me

and after graduation i started dating ryan

in the selfish innocent way of children. i wanted. so i had. and i apologized every stop of the way. but i wanted to love too. i wanted to know what it felt like to be loved....

it was only 6months. maybe 3 of actually being together before he left for school. he broke up with me in january. i was heart broken until june when i met tyler and tried to make him everything ryan could never be.

and i'd come home for summers and find my brandon. my sweet brandon. the only one i ever come back to. the only one i ever apologize too. the only real constant in my life.

and i ran away to mcdaniel to get away from the glares i received. the judgement fromt he people i went to school with. remember the day Davon and i talked

i thought you hated me

i didn't hate. i was disappointed

in me?

i never thought you'd do something like that.

but i guess it doesn't matter how far you run... it all came back at a wedding. years later. by a girl who actually had gradauted before anything went down.

and some how i ended up the guilty party all over again. but i've learned to keep my life a little quieter these days. I don't date people others know...and i don't tell people who i'm friends with...and i never let go of the people who matter.

and i know that brandon is too good for me...and deserves so much better than me. and ryan will always be my first love...no matter how many times i hate him.

and that i'm still me at the end of the day...

and i will never regret that

Friday, May 21, 2010

hello sun light, hello moon shine

so there's a place across the street from where i work. Its called cosmos and it literally serves everything from Sushi to pancakes to fried plantain.

i haven't decided if i love it or hate it

but i think its a perfect example of America.

forget the concept of a mixing bowl. we didn't mix. we each have our own little container and you can pick and choose what you on your plate and you can go to the same place to get it all, but you know what goes best with what and you know who's going to get what. and it all goes down with a nice over priced soda

any whoo.

its friday and beautiful about. ridiculously gorgeous out.

i want to swim in this weather. wear it like a skirt and twirl in it. envelop myself and sleep in it.

just never get away from it...

well maybe in the shade...but i love looking out the window at it.

i finished my application for HCA. I actually stopped typing to take it to the fedex drop point in the building

i'm praying for positive answers

i'm praying

that alone is a lot

i had to include a writing sample - and that sent me back to my old school email. in a folder called "papers" which was filled with a hundred things other than papers. I found something from Upton's class that sounded good. and text conversation copied and pasted and AIM and photos and


that i had forgotten

probably on purpose

and i realized - that - sometimes you get what you deserve

and you reap waht you sow

and sometimes you don't...you don't deserve it at all

life in unpredictable that way.

the things you find in old folders in dusty corners

going up to mcdaniel today. its the day before graduation, but thats not why i'm going. i'm going because i need recommendations mailed out asap. and no one is answering emails so i'm going to slip them under doors or in campus mail or whatever it is i have to do to get things done

i just need things done

and time to move on

new roads to travel and new light to travel by

i think its time to see a new angle of the moon

Thursday, May 20, 2010

is this a rant?

i would ask you to tell me something...but you never seem to have time to
……….. so i'll simply tell you
i never thought
………..i could do better………..than him
i never imagine I could
… . . . . want more
………..dream of………..………..………..more
………..…. . . desire
………..………..… . . demand
………..………..………..………..……….. more
of myself………..………../ ………..…………..or him

i saw myself as I saw them
and never imagine I could have
………what they
my mother………..………..or hers………..………..or hers
but rather that this was………..………..what happened

………you stayed
...………..………and loved
………..………..………..and accepted what you could get

between the lines
………..………..of lies and stories
………..perhaps the truth

………..………..but really what were holydays
………..………..………..………..………..………..……….. without tears

i figured this was my fate

to simply sate their desires………..………..………..and
………..………..………..for them
………..………..………..………..to satisfy

but i’ve never been the patient kind

and so ……..………..……….. i ………..………..……….. left
and told myself
it was ok

to want more
………..………..dream of………..………..………..more
and maybe one day


or not

perhaps not

(i can want more alone)

and maybe words can satisfy that more too
and i can woo my words
……and play with my word
………..………..………..………..… w

and watch them…….g
………..………..in to more than i ever dreamed

could be
and that would be enough
that could satisfy
me more
than i learned

ever could

perhaps words
would heal me

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

naive and jaded all at once

i had a long talk with my brother last night. its interesting that we keep having these talks.. its been so long since i actually had a conversation with my brother.

he's been gone for so long. literally and figuratively speaking

its nice to have him back

we were talking about relationships. the purpose of them. the importance of them.
the need.

we see things differently- which is to be expected coming from two genders

and after the age of 16 two completely different households,

but its funny what we do think is similar.

he was surprised that i agreed with him on the things i did. was shocked by what i refuted. but we always play verbal chess. i always win, he always tries....but it keeps our discussion skills a bit higher than the average person...my family prides itself on our intelligence...thus we spend most of our time challenging each other

it makes for great family gatherings

anyway. my brother looks at relationship as mergers. i guess thats bound to happen when you're in school too long and all you talk about all day is business.

he explained to my the game theory. that the only way someone is going to stay in a relationship is if there is a strong enough incentive for them to remain there.

i asked him about love

or comfort

or protection

he said you could get those anywhere...hell he had a comforter that did all of those

love isn't enough to stay married

I explained that what he talked about- this incentive- we don't have that in American society. I don't need to stay with anyone. i can do it all by myself. in other cultures perhaps that would work

he agreed. he said that marriage went down with women's rights

he expected me to refute it

i didn't.

when women didn't have a choice of course they were forced to remain married.

now there's not point for me to get married- other than my own need to be with someone

he said Need. thats the only way you'll stay there. and if you don't need it you won't

need that other person to be whole...

i asked him
were ever in a relationship that once it was over you didn't know who you were anymore


so there's the difference. i have. i never want to be there again. where he feels like he needs me to be him. and i'm nothing alone. i don't want to be needed like that again. i never want to feel like that again

when you go into a relationship you should be able to stand on your own two feet alone

he was silent

i guess we both have our own relationship issues

naive where we should be jaded

jaded where we should be naive

my family is made up of contradictions

we ended up just agreeing to disagree...

but it was nice to see the world through his eyes for a night


you know there’s this funny thing i realized.
when you say “lets just be friends…”
what you really mean is
“lets never talk again.
it was fun while it lasted,
but i’d rather move past it and
forget we ever knew each other.”
and its usually warranted
even expected
in bad break ups
and awkward friendships
and throughout the
ins and outs
of life no matter where you..................................................... land

but its strange too look at it from this angle
while seeing the background
and watching the future
and realizing how different it looks
with you missing there

and i’m sorry that i couldn’t live up to your ideal
but ended up being a
little girl with
big eyes and
high hopes and
low dreams
and fears
of the dark.................................................. and being alone
and goodbyes

so i won’t say it
but i’ll muster up the courage to say
i miss you

and leave it at that

and let the (.................................. s .................... i ................................ . . l......................... e ........................... n ...............................c..................................... e ..........................................)

speak the words i can’t

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

talk about too soon . . .

big booty inthe dmv- part 1

so my trainer told me my butt was getting bigger

::blank stare::

was not the plan. definitely not the plan....typical

we measured about a month ago and it actually was the same size. my waist had gone from a 35 to a 31 but my hips were still a 47. hopefully they still are a 47. so its not that i'm getting bigger, but simply that everything else is getting smaller

i'm not sure if that makes me feel any better either

i saw my reflection yesterday as i was walking to the gym. the stairwell in the parking garage is walled in in black glass. it was raining too...i don't know if that would distort anything, but i hope so. because i never realized how friggin huge everything is back there.

i told someone once that more people are shocked by my butt than i am.

i really don't see it

its the rest of you that take note

its just something thats always been there.

the reason i can never find jeans that fit

and i hate leggings unless i've had a shot or two

and everything eventually turns into a thong

kind of a curse without a reason...until yesterday when i saw a glistening image of a distorted monster who's weapons marched behind her

::ba-gunk:: ::ba-gunk:: ::ba-gunk:: not such a sexy walk from the looks of it...

it looked like i should have back problems and special shoes. i just turned away and rushed into the gym...just to see my trainer staring at my butt throughout our entire 30 minute session.

note to the reader- he usually does this. its not out of character...its simply that he's usually slicker about it.

this time he actually had to walk away...just to come back and gawk at it again

welcome to the land of insecurity

i feel back for people with big chests. at least with me i don't see the looks half the time- they usually happen after i walk away, but for my sister- she has to look you in the face while you stare down her shirt.

i think i was more comfortable when i was hidden under miles of fat....now i can't even hide in clothes.

there is simply no winning.

maybe meghan was right...maybe i should make that blog

Monday, May 17, 2010

wack line for the day

i was walking back to my car after going to the gym. i see two men walking behind me. one says



how are you today?

I'm fine thank you and how are you?

girl your body is so hot you make me wanna go to la fitness more often


your silence speaks volumes

i’m just somewhere else today
a thousand and 1 miles away
and I catch myself
looking back
to find you

sometimes i think that regardless of the distance
you’ll be behind me
or beside me
the way you always had been
when the distance was classrooms
and the silence was starlight
rather than road ways and states

i wish there hadn’t been silence in the first place
but sometimes the most important words
you’ll ever hear are
to everyone but your ears
and your words were louder than jet planes too me
and softer than babies breath
and sweeter that candy
or first kisses
or ::i love you more::

these miles feel like years
these days like centuries
the silence like detention in grade school
or the moment between text messages
or after breakups
an eternity that may never end
but I still search my memory
for just a vestige of your voice
or a moment in your presence

or a second of your time

and try to think that maybe one day

you’ll come back

and find me

- - -

I wish I could write political poetry. Long diatribes on the rights and wrongs of society rather than sappy depressing love prose, but I can never really find a way of getting anything else out.

I love too much I guess. Its always been my problem. A little girls desperate attempt to find a daddy to love her more.

At least I know my problems.

Maybe one day I’ll rival the greats in poetry. I’ll write pages on page with topics ranging from standing at a bus stop to fighting for freedom, but maybe I need to see the world before I can do that

Because from where I’m sitting all I see if heart break

And I guess the only thing you ever write about it what you know.

i wish i was making this stuff up

my sister thinks i should create a blog: big booty in the dmv.

after telling her the stories of my life on a daily basis- its only fair that i share them with everyone else, but i think that i rant here enough for now.

i even called my brother after the latest debacle.

i didn't mean to rant to him- i would never rant to my brother, about men, but he had been asking me about pursuing a girl and while meghan could tell him everything to do right- i could only everything NOT to do. He kept looking at me like i was crazy

"who would do that?"

"blank stare"

than friday, as if on clockwork everything fell right into place- come. follow me on my journey.

i left work early on friday. My boss has been out of town all week and finally my coworker told me to just leave already- there was nothing to do and no need to have us just sitting here looking at each other for the rest of the day. I left at 3 rather than 4- so the crowd on the metro was entriely different. A new dynamic all together.

i squeezed onto the redline, which was inordinately filled for a 3pm on friday and noticed a gentleman looking at me from across the row. tall, fair, thin (no where near my usual type) and i glanced and looked away. i keep berating myself for being mean. i don't mean to be. i think its because i'm actually dreafully shy when it comes to men. awkwardly intimidated by nothing. i push them off to prevent any sort of awkward conversation...but i steeled myself remembering how someone had once told me "you never know who's falling in love with your smile" (corny...but i tend to think of the nice things he used to tell me because those nice things are so few and far between these days...)

anyway i looked back. eye contact. small smile. back to looking out the window.

i knew he was looking. i'm used to the feeling of eyes

he switched sits- playing to chess game that is seating on the metro. rook to black 12. queen to white 7. long story short i end up a row away behind him. he's been on the phone for the entire train ride, but there is still no slick way of turning to look at someone behind you. he turns and gestures

::do you have a pen::

i look. no pen ::shakes head::

he asks the women ahead of me. one no. one yes. he turns back around. i'm curious of course. i'm intrigued.

as he gets up to leave, he walks by me and slips me a note, written on a postit. i open it and inside it says

(240) ###-####
Mr. Right

i can't help but laugh. hilarious. original. perfect.

i called my brother. i told my sister. i put it on twitter. i just couldnt' get enough of the best pick up line i'd ever seen.

my sister pleaded for me to call. i waited of course. until after the wedding on saturday (i have to tell that story at another time...probably later today)

i text (its the era of text anyway)

-goodnight Mr. Right-

he responds


and then calls.

this is where everything fell apart

so he calls. the usual hellos, do you have a name. mark. hi mark. uh huh. i'm 23. oh today's your 23rd bday. aw you're young. happy birthday.

"so what school do you go to?"
"o. i graduated"
"no, i meant

"yeah....so did i" ::silence::

ok moving on.

"yeah i got two more years at Montgomery College."
"oh..." (montgomery college is only a two year school...but i didn't say

o...k....moving on.... he went on to justify that not everyone was meant for a 4 year college. that he wanted to work with his hands instead. i wasn't judging...i wasn't.


"you got any tattoos"
"why not?"
"i can't figure out what i would want to have on my body for the rest of my

"what about a butterfly"
"umm...that doesn't mean anything..."
"i got 10 tattoos"
"yeah. you have one on your hand"
"oh i see you were investigating me..."
"i thought i had on long sleeves"
"yeah you did...but did you have on gloves?"
"yeah...i said your hand. not your arm"

hmmm....ok...and now onto the kicker

"you know...i don't mean this in a rude way, but i just want to let you
know i think you have curves in all the right places"

::drops head:: typical

i seem to have this awkward affect on men. i don't really know how. or why. or what...but its as if as soon as they see me they revert back to cavemen days...they immediately lose their ability to speak in correct sentences and speak eloquently. just suddenly all they think is

i feel sorry for Marilyn Monroe growing up. and supposedly she was dreadfully shy too.

i then called my brother at midnight to rant about the nonsense that occured. he thought it was all a joke and called me back an hour later once he woke up and couldn't believe it even then.

only in my life....

only in my life.
prime example. a conversation with my ex on gchat
Tyler: ok
if anything you know a hot guy is extremely attracted to your body
me: yeah...i get that a lot. i wouldn't mind to have a hot guy extremely attracted to my mind
Tyler: well im in to that too, I want to call you and talk to you on the phone, but you wont let me
Sent at 12:43 PM on Monday
Tyler: :-(
sad face
me: lol
Tyler: but there is also a part of me that wants to grab you by the hips and
me: ok...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

congrats the new Mr. & Mrs.

just got back from my friend Shalanda's wedding. it was beautiful. I hate to admit that i cried...but alas i was that girl.

i caught the bouquet. never expected that one.

i apologize for all the girls who now have to wait for me to get married...its going to be a while

this was one of those moments that i realized that i do want to get married though. i actually want that. that someone to wake up to every morning. some one to lean on. someone who's leaning on me. that stability, that security

that love

and seeing those two looking into each other eyes today hurt me a little...to know that i've never seen that look looking at me

i was telling my brother this morning-

i give great relationship advice. i'm not so great with relationships...but i can give some banging advice

and those words came back to me as i saw tears roll down Camara's cheeks as he looked at his bride....and i wanted that

i craved it

i yearned it

i mourned it

i deserve it....

i'm too tired to tell more tonight...maybe tomorrow.

Friday, May 14, 2010

memories all alone in the moonlight

so i've been reading my xanga. (my boss is out of town and there's nothing else to do from 7:30 until I leave at 4).

I've fallen for you all over again. each one of you. watching myself fall in love through my diary entries.

its almost as if its happening all over again

i feel the butterflies. i ride the rollercoaster. i see the heart break before it hits...and i still feel the tears in my eyes.

lol. the bittersweet taste of history...

i'm not sure if it should make me feel more comfortable to know that i keep making the same mistakes over and over again. its almost as if an author keeps rewriting the same character with different features.

or maybe i keep falling for the similaraties in all of you

or i only see him in all of you


or i'm just me...either way...i've relived it all this past week.

ever chocolate kiss, ever dinner date, every early morning, every tear

and everytime i run home to my sister and watch as she helps me put all of the little pieces back together to make the mosaic that is my heart.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Currently Reading
The Wind Done Gone: A Novel
By Alice Randallsee related

“ They called me Cinnamon because I was skinny as a stick and brown…Now when I tell it, I say they called me Cinnamon because I was sweet and spicy. Sweet, hot, strong, and black - like a good cup of coffee” pg. 2

“Sometime it feels good, sometimes feeling good is enough” pg. 30
“Twice I’ve been killed by a man” pg. 37

“The first time you stop loving somebody, you learn all love ends. And loving somebody is just the graceful practice of patience before the love dies” pg. 43

“…my memories are like fish in a bowl swimming one way and then another, detached, insignificant, but still I turn back to look, remember, watch, mesmerized as the memories glide past” pg. 44

“She would have known that she was not and had never been a featured player in the theater of his life” pg. 45

“Truth to tell, it’s the lesser part what chose me.” pg. 47

“I’ll call another girl ‘bitch’ before you blink, but I don’t like to hit a woman. I guess it always felt like too much of a man to o it. Strange enough. Strength always seemed to rob the girl out of me, so I always take care to keep it hid” pg. 57

“ Freedom had a flavor, and we were tasting it” pg. 56

“’Its like a bad taste in your mouth to b the only person who knows something, something good or something bad. Being the only one is bitter. Being one of the two is sweet” pg. 58

“I don’t feel my heart beat, but I want to” pg. 64

“ But it’s like this. Long ago. Long ago. How long ago? I don’t even know. I stopped letting myself want anything I could not have.” pg. 69

“ I knew he wouldn’t love me. Wouldn’t touch me. Wouldn’t take me” pg. 72

“He’s playing with me. I will not play in the shadow of Other” pg. 74

“Had I ever really loved him, or had I just wanted what was hers? Was he mine before he was hers? Was it me he saw when he first saw her walking down the steps of Twelve Slaves Strong as Trees?” p. 80

silent screams

I had a long talk with a girl who works here.

it made me want to lock my hair and stage a revolution

that feeling rarely happens to me...but it did

in that moment that she told me that moving ahead was going to be harder. That excelling in this area near impossible, and i felt my heart crack a little.

she asked me when i graduated

:may of last year:

::and you worked before here::

:yeah in doctor's offices...but its different. like i expect patients to be ignorant...but not here. this is govt:

she just looked at me. Sad eyes on a proud face.

i envy her a little. Her pride. Her security. she told me that someone told her she wasn't being promoted because it didn't look like she cared about her job.

she said

::I get sad. i mean i want to cry...but you can't...you know what i mean...you can't show them you're weak. but i have something that can't say anything about. i have my education. i'm smart. they can't say anything about that::

she told me stories about how her manager wiped down her computer after she touched it. or didn't want to shake her hands

she just shrugged and said

::its because i'm natural::

and i've never feel so ashamed for natural hair.

i never realized how much i've conformed.

and when rikia turned to krystal and said

:::its different for her. she can fit it...no offense:::

i wanted to scream.

I wanted to shout and say

i know how it feels to be discriminated against. i know how it feels to be looked over. i might not show it but i do. i know how it hurts. and i know not to cry and i though that maybe

just maybe

this would be a place when i could belong

she didn't hear my mind she just said

:::well i dunno. she's curvy though. if she'd interviewed with di she wouldn't have gotten it:::

and there it is again.

we're back....to that.

i guess i'm destined to be trapped in a box. not the one i'd expect. not the one i'd want.

but i guess we're here again

Thursday, May 13, 2010


i found the password to my old xanga yesterday. I was trying to figure out how to import all of my old posts here- but near the end i started using it more as a diary with more private posts than public, and...


there's still some things i'd like to keep private.

i used to save AIM conversations sometimes. important ones i wanted to go back to and analyze when it was over. i have a lot acutally.

shanequa telling me ryan was cheating on me
brandon telling me how he felt
tyler breaking up
ryan saying goodbye

and clayton...just talking....

its funny to look back and see a moment. like captured in a bottle, to escape for a day. how i wish i could go back. not even change things (well sometimes i wish i could do that too)...just go back and relive those moments. those conversations.

see if i would answer the same way. have the same dialogue.

so much time has passed. so many things have changed. but looking back the emotions are all still there. the moments just as poignant.

i miss having moments.

they don't really happen anymore.

thagreatone128 (11:24:51 PM): yeah .. i feel you .. i think
those are plans for everyone ... after college, ya career and love interest can
take ya across the globe

cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:26:15 PM): its just strange to have to
plan life years down the road. it seems like a few years ago i had no

thagreatone128 (11:29:28 PM): yeah ... you dont wanna plan too
ahead though, spontaneity is critical in life .. dont want ya life reading like
a calendar ...

cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:30:34 PM): i'd have less worries if i
scripted life like a play rather than wait to see what cards i'm dealt and
forced to play

thagreatone128 (11:31:30 PM): yeah .. but less worries, doesnt
necessarily equate to more happiness ...

cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:32:07 PM): well from expereince, suprises
never end up as happy ending

thagreatone128 (11:32:41 PM): but you wouldnt wanna let ya
experience hinder what the future may hold for ya ..

cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:33:26 PM): if these experiences are my
future than i'd rather hinder them now...

thagreatone128 (11:34:09 PM): hmmm ... you may have a point
there .. but still ..

cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:34:18 PM): lol
cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:34:26 PM): nope, your argument in wack
compared to mine

thagreatone128 (11:35:09 PM): not even .. you just letting the
bitterness of ya past determine your perception of the future .. that aint

cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:36:08 PM): i'm not. i'm just less
idealist. Maybe a bit pessimistic. but reality never turns into fairy

thagreatone128 (11:37:21 PM): yeah .. but thats the whole
point about having faith .. regardless of the realities of the matter and past
experiences, you gotta have hope and faith that the future will .. fortunately
.. be different, and better

cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:37:57 PM): i'm not saying i've lost

cinnamonsweet2k5 (11:38:12 PM): i'm just not leaving
everything up to chance

thagreatone128 (11:38:39 PM): true ...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Do they still make men like this?

if so...i'd love to meet you


you must not remember- but
You were so large.
your dreams large
your hopes large
your expectation larger than me\
my world gulfed in comparison to your….plans…at 19
you made me tiny in comparison

you wanted political revolutions
economic change
sudden and abrupt cultural equality
how could I possibly
my dreams
when i yearned for
picket fences and sunday mornings
and love

you expected so much from a child
I’d never seen so much

the air around you made me tired
your explanations
for a girl afraid of
you were too much of a risk
for me heart
- - - -

the bittersweet taste of rejections
I’m accustomed to it
I can’t imaging my coffee with it missing there
thank you for reminding me of its flavor

I guess I needed that
in a way
to keep me grounded
and yourself elevated
the irony of our situation is lost
on no one

- - -

you carry me so often
i'd think i'd dated you
but only for the simple
that i don't know what
your lips come in

so i just noticed that i had the same blog
on here twice, so i had to change it
not really an entry as much as pieces that
i haven't figured out where they fit, but
i guess it fits inwith what was going on when i
posted the last couple of blogs
oops... i need to pay better attention

layered like an onion

i’m back on my diet now. i have this annoying habit of going hard on the diet for about 2 and ½ weeks. then i just fall off the wagon. 1 week and a half of pure nonsense. pizza. alcohol. burritos. bread. you name it i’m eating it.

then my trainer says something rude, like….::is it that time of the month? Your stomach was flatter than this…::

and it makes me want to kill myself

or get back on the diet

whichever one is easier

so here i am back on lemon juice and water. warm prune juice at bed time. and chicken breast. lots of chicken breast. too much chicken breast.

but summer’s almost here. and Shalanda’s wedding is on saturday. and i refuse to fall back into the mold of being insecure in my own skin.

i know there are changes. the scale finally started showing some improvement which i'm glad about. i wish it were more, but i'm not as diligent as i ought to be. i can see the eyes on me when i walk around. my trainer told me when he was done it was going to be ridiculous. that i wouldn't be able to go any where.

i'm not sure if thats really what i want

and i think its one of the reasons i never minded eating so much, less people look at you when you're covered in layers of your own making. but shedding them back...now thats terrifying.

and exhilarating.

and its going to be a mess

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

loving you

my sister once told me she had a professor who was absolutely crazy, but she loved her. the woman once told her

my education is my man. it puts a roof over my head, food on my table and
clothes on my back. i don't have to worry about it ever leaving me.

later that same week a stole her cosmo and was reading about Lady Gaga. She was talking about relationships too

some women choose to follow men, and women women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you it doesn't love you anymore" (Cosmo April 2010)

I've followed men a lot in my life. i thought that that was the right thing to do . . . i planned my life around their plans and it hasn't gotten me anywhere but right where i was before.

the only constant through out it all was my education and i decided to take some time off of that to try to save a relationship that wasn't worth saving.

i'm ready to get my man back

my education back

the one thing i won't have to worry will ever leave me.

- i - wrote - this - yesterday - how - apropos - that - it - fits - today

i’ve grown more comfortable in my skin these days. since i shook you off of it.
the irony that it took letting go of my security blanket to actually find
i’ve realized that it doesn’t take much to entrance men.
it takes absolutely nothing.
the less you say. the less you do. the more they chase. after you.

i wish i'd known that when i was chasing after you so much.

i guess my life is just ironic in general

and with you. you liked me more when I liked you less.
and with you. you loved when she loved you and when i loved you, you left.
but i’ve learned…that loving is the careful act of realizing that all love dies
its fun while it lasts
its painful when it ends
and i’m not ready for that pain again
because i love quickly
and i die slow
and i’m
to live today

Monday, May 10, 2010

a week of old beginnings

it actually did save. had to go back in and edit what i had left in here.

I guess I’ll just finish the blog on Word and update it later

My brother asked for my advice in relationships on Sunday. Absolutely hilarious how the tables have turned. Well actually I’ve never asked his advice in relationships- not that he doesn’t give it anyway.

he met this girl he’s really interested in and he told us about it. that’s a big thing since Trevor usually doesn’t tell us anything. He just brings someone home and we just kind of go with it. anyway he met this girl and was so interested he asked for advice.

The first problem. He was planning on waiting 2-3 days before calling her. Like I get that that was the thing to do back in the day…but this is the era of instant gratification. I mean don’t call her immediately after getting her number…but don’t wait that long. If she’s cute…someone is going to snag her up. Call the next day.

Or text

I’m a big fan of the next morning text reminder like

::hey [insert name] its [insert name]. we met last night. Is it ok if I call you later::

Nicely leaves the ball in her court to continue communication. Less possibility of rejection. Quick. Easy. Effective.

But Trevor doesn’t have text messages.


Either way he called. She called back

Foot in the door.

I was trying to give good advice. But as for dates- I don’t really go on those…ever. I get stood up. I let Meghan tell him the right and wrong things to do.

As for phone boning I was amazing at telling him what not to do. I’ve had enough experience with what people do wrong on the phone.

Too much experience.

Way too much

Aaron tried to friend shalanda on facebook the other day

He still has me blocked

She ignored the invitation and called me to let me know he’s retarded

It kind of burned a little…

I had actually been thinking of him a lot recently.

thankfully the lord reminded me why i shouldn't go back...perfect timing.

blogger's back up (lets see how long this lasts.)

thought a lot about clayton over the weekend. but thats what the spring time and mcdaniel remind me of. well summer heat in the spring remind me of him. i don't know why- its not like we saw each other in the spring heat. or hung out in the heat. but i remember escaping it to become enraptured in him.

thats when april popped up out of shalanda's mouth. i guess its the three of us that will always bounce like pinballs in my mind.

it reminded me of quote from the wind done gone.

i wanted someone to want me more. someone to see her but choose me.

in the story he didn't really choose either. or rather he chose both. left one, she died and then never really stayed with the other. she left i guess you could say.

i wonder which one i am in the story. if i'm cynara or scarlet. i think i've played both in my lifetime. i don't know which one is the better character to play. neither one had a happy ending. but i guess thats just life in general.

thats why they created fairy tales- to give you hope that maybe you'll be that 1% that does end up winning.

i used to have that hope

i don't really have it anymore

but i have strong willingness to try

a weekend of old beginnings

my computer is going soooooo slow today...its been a while since its done this. This page itself has yet to load completely so i hope that all of the letters i'm typing show up when the rest of the page makes itself visable.

yeah...that all still makes sense.

you know its going to be a long day in the office when the internet is slow.

i talked to a bunch of people this weeked. People that are still friends after my two year absence from life.

Jenkins called. or rather told me to call her-
She wants to go to a concert in NY in June, I told her i was in regardless of date or location. She also told me about how her life was falling apart every so slightly. She was explaining the ins and outs of Crone's disease and how careful she has to be on a daily basis- i told her i understood. i have colitis. she had no idea. it was connection we have now. lol. our inability to eat like normal people. our inability to fit in somehow makes us fit together more comfortably.

the irony of our situation.

I saw Tosin. Went up and kidnapped her room for a day and a half and this time had the decency to buy her Ledo's and Juice- a staple in our college night bondings. Called up Tuck-Tuck and joined her into our girls night despite the distance between us. Seeing the two of them is like coming home. its funny how we all became so close because of the traumas that occured my senior year and tosin's sophomore year and tuck's 1st year into being and adult. a degree, a child and a school year later and the three of us still are able to talk until the sun rises about what is wiggity and boys suck and black ppl get on our nerves and how nothing ever changes while every never stays the same.

Shalanda called me as i was leaving to go see a movie with Brandon. She's getting married on Saturday. She has literally 5 more days of being single and its crazy to see someone literally jumping off the ledge and into that world. But if anyone can do it it shalanda and kiki. She called me and thus went the conversation

"hey shalanda."
"you busy"
"well I'm about to go into a move"
"well this'll be quick. guess who just called me"
"ummm april and jennifer"
"YES!!! i see a numebr flash on my phone that i haven't saved and i pickit
up and its jennifer. she was like Niya said you had a secret. no i dont. niya
said you're getting married this weekend. eh yeah i am. so we're not

::this is where i immediately busted out laughing:: i know shalanda hadn't invited them or even had the plan to invite them, but she had continued to tell them she was going to send them invites...while rejecting their friend requests...i didn't expect them to call however. she went on to explain how she went on to explain to them that she didn't have the money to invite everyone. so she invited her family first and if she had room she invited other people. April grabbed the phone and told her that she was officially mad at her. Shalanda said fine.

i had to end the conversation before it was over because i was literally sitting in a car beside brandon on the phone.

but if i could name one arch nemisis during my 4 years at mcdaniel it would have been her...and to this day i dont' know how it started...but its comfortable knowing she wont' be there on shalanda's day...

i think thats the vengeful side of my talking.

i'm still getting to know her...

i kind of like having her around

hung out with brandon. he hit me up out of the blue on friday. just a random text asking if i wanted to see a movie. i said yes. he said he'd pick me up at 9:30. thats how its always been with Brandon. just comfortable. like not the explosive fireworks or love, but more like a sunny beach and a cool wave. you can never expect when its going to hit, but you know it will. and you know you'll like it when it does.

i love the beach.

i love the waves

but i don't know if i'd live there

the biggest problem in our relationship...

dammit blogger you keep threatening to no save this post. i'll be pissed if at the end this all disappears. i have so much more to say. maybe i'll end here and write mroe on a word processor and update later just to be careful.

i have so many thoughts this morning. so many thoughts from this weekend that i've been wanting to write down. don't do and not give me the chance to tell them to you...

Friday, May 7, 2010

just me

my sister was talking to one of her coworkers, who happens to be a friend of mine- from the time of polly pocket and tea parties. Sometimes i wonder if we would still be friends if we met during the time of boyfriends and permits, instead.

anyway. back to the story- my sister told her she didn't want to be with her soulmate. she had been there. she knew the pain of loving-she didn't want that right now. she was comfortable where she was. She liked her boyfriend, he was cute, he took care of business (to a certain extent) but when its over she won't cry.

it got me thinking of a drunken night with Mango. i told her that too

sometimes its eerie how alike me and my sister are.

i had loved before. i had loved right and i had loved wrong. and i had walked away without pieces each time.

i don't want love right now. i want security. i want protection. i want more than what i had before.

i know my heart. he'll always be here
i knew my soul. he grew away
i knew my arm/my leg/the part of me that never asked to play the role- and i felt guilty that i put him there...but i learned to lean on myself this time.

and when i'm settled. and can take care of myself. then i'll love for love.

and if not- if never. at least i have me.

and for once.





Thursday, May 6, 2010

hey mommy

looky what i found while cleaning out my McDaniel email account. This first email i sent my mom after i moved into mcdaniel. lol. oh the memories.

> Hey Mommy,
> I thought I'd tell you the goings on. So I've just realized that I'm going
> to not just a party school but THE PARTY SCHOOL! I mean the upperclassmen
> moved in sat. and sunday and with them came the parties. Of course before
> they came Casey was still dealing with hang overs every monday, but there
> were like 5 parties yesterday. And we were asking the RA's about getting a
> taxi to go to a club or somethign and they said there there wasn't really
> anything for a couple of weeks until there were shuttles to
> Baltimore...until then there were the Garden Apts. And when i say
> apartments I mean the rusty prijects behind Rouzer. So We heard of a party
> in Rouzer and then some football player was trying to persaude me to go to
> a party at his apartment. I didn't feel like going, so i was just gonna
> watch movies in my room and one of the few black girls came and was
> watching movies and nigga fell asleep on my bed...and wounldn't budge for
> like 3 hours and i was stuck in my computer chair (hence why i bought a
> chair at WalMart...so visitors could sit there and not sleep on my bed...)
> Anyway the other girls decided to go. Erin went with the cross country
> team....then Joanna and a bunch of other girls went to different parties
> at Rouzer and the apartments. Whit ended up coming back cuz she didn't
> wanna drink, but the power went out in her room so she went to sleep in a
> friends room in ROuzer. The other girls came back areound 12 completely
> GONE! They wer shouting and touchy feeling and laughing...and annoying.
> And the make matters worse they left a girl with some random guy in his
> room...cuz he was cute...
> so they come and then after telling stories of how the drank and made out
> with random ppl...they went to leave again. By now Matt is cracking up adn
> Brandon is ready to come and beat them up for me...and I'm just ready to
> go to bed. SO they leave again and Christina leaves her keys, so they come
> back to get it with two drunk senior guys who are trying to get them to
> sleep with them...not cool...
> so i let them in and go back to sleep. They came back at around 5 in th
> morning whil i pretended to sleep...and then woke up around 8 in the
> morning...
> so my roommate isn't too bad. I mean she's sorta annoying. she talks A Lot
> and she's really self concious. Like ont he first day she started crying
> cuz she was talking about how ppl talk about how fat she is...well i'm
> sure its gonna irk me in a couple months...right now i just pretend like i
> don't hear her sometimes...i know its mean...but what else can i
> do...she's like rooming with Charlotte sometimes...
> well we have nothin to do until 6 tonight...so i think I'll take a nap or
> write my paper...or something...
> I hope you're having fun. I MISS YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
> ::kisses::
> -Holly
> P.s. hope you enjoyed the update

Thanks for the update. Glad you're having fun and handling your business. Hope the girl who fell asleep in your bed wasn't that one that Aunt Na told you not to hang out with. Remember your purpose in life and your reason for chosing a higher education, it'll help you focus on the most important things. I love you and miss you a bunch too! Remember THEY party different, (black anglish for differently).Mom

ready or not

Mario came over yesterday.

I've never mentioned him here. or in any blog i've ever had, which is strange seeing that he's the only constant male in and out of my life. I've known him since...the time of bar mitzvahs...if that seems accurate. he was my sister's first college boyfriend. They dated or actually never actually dated, but they something for a year and a half...but during that "something" they changed. and life has never been the same for either one of them.

They have known each other for a decade now.

10 years of ons and off and never really ons, but something close to it.

I always say i love like Kathy and heathcliffe. but i didn't know what that kind of love was until Mema and Mario. They just


and never meet in the middle

but we all know they will

one day.

He shows up. randomly. completely out of the blue. for a day. and when when he's here its like he's always been here. since the first day when he walked in our house, 6'7" of lanky puerto rican nonsense. wife beater with not shirt on, and just joy. my mother says he walked in like he was her son.

and he did.

he just immediately was one of us.

my mother always referred to him as her son-in-law. that she loved him. but not for mema. not yet.

but she dreamt of him. of him and mema. and two little girls in white dresses. and a little boy with big brown eyes.

that was years ago. before a little boy with brown eyes. and two little girls born months apart.

but it was there. all along.

he comes and goes. its usually 7 years between me seeing him. but he comes in like the big brother i miss without realizing how much i miss him.

and he gives advice about relationships. And remembers stories i've told. and asks about people i've mentioned.

he has his favorites too.

he always liked him.

how ironic.

he asks about poetry. it was the connection mema and him always had in common. it was what we had in common too. but meghan said he would never be on her level. somehow he reached it.

i guess thats how mario and i have always gotten along. i play his part in the story of my life.

mario asked me what happened. I told him- to a certain extent. he asked how old he was. i said my age. he shook his head.

thats a bad age. let him go. he'll go and see whats out there. mess around for a
little. but he'll come back. trust me. i know. he'll realize. and he'll come

i usually believe everything mario says, this isn't one of those times. but it'll be nice to see at least one of us having our happy ending.

he told mema i was like his little sister. that we had spoken. i'd told her, but not about everything we said.

you're the one i've always seen settling down with my sister. my mother
considers you her son-in-law. but not until you're ready. don't hurt her again.

he gave her a deadline this time. of what he would do. how long it would take. and when he would be ready.

no questions.

no options.

just facts.

ready or not- this was it. they had played the game before. they knew the outcome since the beginning.

you're my heart, meghan. you're my soul. there were other people, but none of
them touched me like you did. its always been you.

lol. the irony.

its always been you.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

ummm . . . . goodbye

you know what i hate . . . .

people that cancel dates at the last second . . . . through text message . . . and don't call . . . . and then text the next day like we're still friends . . .

we've already had this friends talk, remember.

strike out, buddy.

damn you AAA

I was late for work today.
dreadfully late for work.
so late i actually considered calling in sick, before realizing i'm still in my 3 month probationary period- thus i've only accrued 6 sick hours- not enough to take a day off....so i came in.
my battery was dead. its becoming a habit of mine to leave the lights on on my car- like i'm testing the fates to see if maybe, just maybe they'll let me off once.
they never do.
i had to call AAA and i got in an argument with the woman who swore there was an address to the parking lot i was sitting in, and then acted like i was lying about my membership because i didn't know my father's address...i almost asked to speak to her supervisor. . . . i controlled myself somehow and didn't.
but i wanted to.
now i'm here with absolutely nothing to do. as usual. i kind of wish i'd just slept in and came in late- at least then i wouldn't be nodding off right now.
switching topics. I was going through one of the many boxes from school that i never unpacked and found yet another vault of poems and letters. talk about too soon. I'd almost forgotten about these ones. but in my heart i knew there were more.
they stole my heart all over again.
more than they had the first time
they broke my heart this time too.
there was so much more there- that i didn't allow myself to see the first time. so much more meaning in each syllable. so much more heart in each word.
i wonder how i responded then.
i wonder how i'd respond now.
i told tosin. she told me to burn them so they wouldn't make me cry.
the thought of doing that made me cry harder.
so i hid them from myself instead. in a terribly inconvenient place where i probably won't go into for months- maybe years.
she asked me what i'd do when i did. i said i'd probably cry all over again. but i didn't want to think about that now. just taking each second as each second comes.
my sister said that that was his game. those were his lines. he used the same on her 3 years later. the same on others months later. i shouldn't let it get to me. but i don't know if i'm really mad at him . . . . or at myself. at my own fear. my own insecurity.
i want to say what happened was meant to happen. but i feel like that fox in that fable who swore the grapes were sour just because he couldn't reach them.
i wish i remembered the moral of that tale
but if we were together would he have grown? would i have? would we have stay where we were? would we still be? would we have loves? would we have gotten hurt? where would i be now?
who would i be now?
i did what i thought would keep us all safe.
i thought if we did try- than in the end he would leave- we wouldn't even be friends at the end of the story
ironically we had the same result- just without the middle . . . . .
. . . .so at the end was it all in vain?

Monday, May 3, 2010

when people say let's just be friends they what they really mean is...

. . . no seriously . . . . stop calling

i don't even want to be friends anymore

please lose my number

i hate you . . . just a little

you once were convenient, but i'm over it now

give up . . . seriously

you haven't taken a hint, but i'm trying to be nice here. go.away.


please stop

immediately stop . . . like yesterday you should have stopped

it's not me . . . it's you

forget we ever met

who are you again?

::i hope we can still be friends::

uh . . . yeah . . . fuck you too . . .

dear you

Dear you,

i've been thinking about you a lot recently. maybe because i haven't heard from you. or maybe because i keep remember the last things you said to me. either way you have crossed my mind from time to time...and i'd write to you, but i know you wouldn't respond....and as much as i enjoy this new game called rejection- i've grown a little too accustomed to it...so i'll just write this and feel better know i said what i wanted to say- even if you never see it.

i miss you. i miss the friendship we used to have. the truce. the balance. the secret that we shared, but somehow lost along the way of growing up. i miss talking to you. and writing to you. and knowing that if anything happened i could count- if on no one else- on you. but i guess our friendship was always one sided in that way.

i never knew if you depended on me quite as much as i always depended on you.

i took that for granted.

i wish you all the best. i wish you sun shine, and happiness, and love. i wish you understanding, and equality, and someone who will understand the three million layers that make up just half of you.

i hope one day we'll meet again. one day we'll speak again. one day you'll see something and remember the small people who were there before everything else began...and maybe in that moment....for just a second...you'll remember me.

i hope you know that you're so much more than anyone ever imagined. that you were so much more than. so intimidating almost, in your yearning for more. more than what we could give you. you wanted to world, but resided in a small town. small towns were never meant to hold you. i hope you have that world. that you take it and own it and be everything you've always known you could be.

i hope you know all the things i was too afraid to tell you. i hope you could understand my fears. i hope you could forgive a silly girl for grown up fears and childish fantasies. i wish...i thousand and one things i don't deserve to...

i pray for you. i'll continue to. and maybe one day....if nothing else we can think of each other and smile.

until then...whenever i look at the stars...they'll remind me of you


....tell me something...

we're going to the chapel and...well you're going to get married

I've be neglecting you, my love. I don't mean to. Its just the inspiration vanished for a little bit.

but i'll try to be more loyal in the future.

lets get you up to date.

Saturday was Shalanda's bridal shower. She gave me the wrong address on the hottest day of the year and i ended up next to Camden yards rather than Columbia in a sun dress that was sticking to my butt in a car that was overheating...i was not a happy camper. When i asked her to send the address again she asked for me to stop and get pens on my way there....if i could have reached through the phone to throttle her i would have.

I finally got there - an hour late- and it was a lot of fun. I was overdressed. but my new philosophy is its better to be over dressed than under dressed. You can't fix it when you're wearing sweats and everyone else is wearing suits. But if you're the one in the suit everyone just feels like they're slacking. lol

It was good to see Shalanda again. To hear her speak about marriage. I remember wishing i was in her shoes...i can't even imagine being there now. When she talks about love, and trust and marriage, i'm such a scenic that i scoff in my head...and hours later i catch her words replaying in my head and i wish...

i wish

i knew what it was to believe them.

she's getting married on May 15th. Less than 2 weeks away. Her and Kiki have an apartment together. a 5 year plan together. a future.

i can't even dream of those things anymore

but i'm happy for them.

i'm happy and envious and ecstatic and over joyed

and hopeful

she had told me exactly what she wanted. went so far as to call me and tell me where to order them. and i did. she said she knew what she wanted and she wanted it from me.

i guess cuz i'm the friend who wouldn't be afraid to buy her underwear for her bridal shower. lol.

and i was that friend. Everyone else got her dishes and a microwave, and gift cards. I got her panties.

i guess they're all necessities at the end of the day.

what i got her was innocent in comparison of what she bought herself. i was proud.

after everyone left we had "the talk." She is the only friend i have who has actually waited until her wedding day. (another thing i can't imagine). She's terrified. I told her it wasn't that big of a deal...then realized how much of a skank that made me sound

"ok. i didn't mean for it to sound that way. it is a big deal. i'm glad you
waited. its the right thing to do. but guys sometimes act like its the end all
be all of life. that its all they think about. all they want to do. that they
can't survive without it. don't get me wrong its good. really good. and
fun...but you can live without it. you can survive without it."

then she asked

"what do you think of oral?"

i said


lol. she said she couldn't imagine ever doing it. and the one time he tried she hated it. I told her when you stop stressing and over thinking it its really good. I mean

its the final result without all the work...and sweat.

i told her that i don't enjoy giving because its boring. lol. but i could understand why they like it and why other people do, so don't knock it before you try it i guess. its all about being able to give him that pleasure. like you are willing to do that...selflessly. just for him because you want to.

she told me how scared she was it was going to hurt

"what if i can't walk in the morning"

i laughed. (we all went to school together. and i know someone who did in fact survive and walk away from the experience [awkward...i decided not to mention it])

"everyone says sh- like that...but it never happens. Unless he has 3 legs,
you'll be fine. trust me...you'll be fine."

on another note i heard from my ex. or rather i emailed him because he owes me $160 for his phone bill (before i cut his phone off)

he refused to mail it to.

then asked me if i could help him study for his placement tests for school.

i couldn't find words. i stopped responding to the e-mails at that point.

a day later i wrote a response...but you know what they say- if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

so there it is...blinking away at me in my draft folder on my computer.

how dare you ask me that. how dare you have the gall. how dare

why don't you ask alecia to help you? or any of those other
girls you couldn't get enough of while you were with me-

like i would want to help you succeed after you tore me so

i'm not ready to see you....never ready to see

why wouldn't you love me enough-