Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Thursday, June 24, 2010


my attitude has just been stank for the last couple of days

i would say my period was coming...but its really not. i should be moody all next week. i have 2 weeks before i should even be having this on coming feelings.

i was blaming it on the lack of blood from the fiasco that was tuesday. (i donated...relax...) and then on wednesday it was the lack of drivign skills of people residing in or around the dc metropolitan area...but today? i just woke up stank today.

emotional over my own fears i guess.

i dunno

aaron keeps asking if i'm pregnant. of course i would be able to tell at this exact moment. he says its because he's always tired. when jordana got pregnant he was always tired like this.

absolutely irrational justification...

i had a smart alek response.

well maybe you should check with that other girl

you know those jokes that you know are going to be funny one day. like hilarious when you look back years later and think of them... this is one of those. one day we'll both have shti and giggles about these days

today however is not that day

and i can't seem to stop telling the joke.

and not i can't stop thinking of her. the girl who so gracefully bowed off the stage and vanished from everywhere but my own subconcious. what if...

what if she was...

what if i hadn't..

what if she had...

or he had...

or any other what if...

and i'm trying to trust and believe and have faith...and not worry

but i wonder if when he looks at me he compares me to her the way he would look at her and compare her to me...

i wonder if i come up wanting as she had...

i wonder how i've digressed so quickly...

i wonder if i'll ever grow up again...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

"tomorrow is another day" - Scarlett O'Hara

today would have been our 3 year anniversary. three years of ups and downs. or rather one year of ups and 2 years of downs...but it would have been something big and important and life altering.
for some weird reason 3 is a big number in relationships
the 3rd date makes things sexual (most of the time)
the 3rd month makes things official
the 3rd year makes things permanent
my friend shalanda said that at 3 years it's time to start talking about marriage.
"if he hasn't proposed by 3 years, cut him loose"
we never got to that point. we barely made it to 2...and 3 months after 2 we broke up. and then we argued for 9. and have the last stray 3 months later we're back...to something.
its strange but sometimes it seems like nothing changed. when i look at him i feel like the same girl who would walk over hot coals just to hear him say "i love you"
i pray i'm not that girl anymore
my mother says i'm just in a "desperate search for family"
maybe i am...maybe when i see him i hear those words...
maybe i'm a glutton for punishment.
but things are different and deep down we know they are. When you put the nails in the coffin...even when you pull them out the holes are still there. the pit is still dug
and its hard to jump over it and pretend like you didn't notice it there

"do you think we'll work this time"
"i hope so"


i remember when the answer used to be "yes" the faith we had in each other was so deep it was frightening.
i told him he's different now. he carries himself differently. the insecure boy i knew was gone and
there's this man in his place. its frightening...and exhilarating...
but sometimes when he doesn't know it i see him there. my little boy still. and i wish i saw him more often.
when i saw him again after all the time it was him still. he paced the room like a lion in his cage...a lion terrified something would get in...or worse that he'd get out. and when he sat next to me a tear leaked down his cheek and he wouldn't look me in the eye

"you left me, holly...i never thought you'd do that...but you left me"

i couldn't cry when he said it...because i had
and later. days later. i told him

"i'm sorry i hurt you."

"you can't say that to me" he said, " you can't say that because you left
me. you weren't there when i needed you the most..."

and i didn't know what to say. i saw myself crying as i always had...but no tears would come. perhaps i felt them...but after all the times i swore to never cry over you my eyes finally listened and refused...

"i just couldn't do it anymore...i couldn't stay...it was like i kept
competing with all these other girls for you to love me. i just couldn't hurt
anymore. i thought -"

"- don't. please don't. i don't want to hear how i hurt you. it hurts me to
know that i did."

we told each other what happened when we were apart...leaving out details neither one of us wanted to know...

"i text you while i was there...you didn't get it of course because i'd
shut your phone off by then..."

"what did you say"

"why couldn't you love me... ::shrugs::"

"i never stopped loving you. you just stopped being able to see it. i
always loved you, i just kept doing stupid stuff...but i never stopped loving

he left his gf. or whatever he called it. he swears it wasn't a relationship...but he told me she cried. he said he had promised himself he'd never break up with a girl after the one time in elementary school...but she told him to get his stuff and then cried when he did
and i was sorry that she was hurt
and i little vengeful. happy that for once he chose me over all the other girls in his life...but i know what it feels like to watch him leave
he said he wished in a perfect world they could still be friends...but he knew i wouldn't be ok with it
i didn't say anything. i wished i could say i would be...i wouldn't. i wouldn't be able to look at someone who had stood where i stand. who held him while he slept. who looked at him and wished she could see the mirror image 40 years later.
i stayed silent because i wasn't strong enough to respond. but he knew...
he left the security of her for the maybe of me...
packed up his stuff. walked away from a set future.
i asked him why
"because i love you..."
the certainty that drifts in and out of our relationship...

"we would have been rich though..." he laughed

"well you can go back"

he glared at me...

"you would rather be poor with me than rich with her..."

"i didn't love her, holly...i love you...i want to be with you. i always
wanted to be with you.......maybe i just needed that time to get it all out of
my system."

he told me to go to germany

"i feel like you broke up with me because you wanted to do all those things
you couldn't do when you were with me and i dont' want you not go and then
regret it and think back that you could have if we weren't together"

"i didn't break up with you for that. i broke up with you because you kept
doing the same shit...lol....

...all i ever wanted was you, aaron. just you..."

and every night when i pack up my life i hold on to him a little tighter hoping that the next day i won't wake up and be back where i was a month ago. 2 weeks ago. this time last week...
i told him i'm scared. i echoed the words he'd said a few days before

"things are just too good to be true. i'm scared..."

he said "don't be. i just want to live each day at a time..."

and i am. i dont' look further than tomorrow. and i put together puzzle pieces to piece back the life i remember him in and try to place him back on a path that he can travel on...and i keep my little pieces together so that if things unravel at the seams i will still be in one piece
and it hurts a little to know that i do that...
but i do...
and for now i don't want to hear what anyone has to say...though i've heard them say it.
i just want a summer to love again. and i'll worry about the fall when i see it.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

good night

exhausted...but i had a good night.

no regrets

no explanations

maybe later...today isn't a day for these kinds of stories.

sometimes i want to keep the secrets just to myself

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


i asked for a sign last night. i feel like i'm not the only one who does that, but i'll be the first to admit that i do. i hate to bother the lord with my trivialities...with famine and war and hatred swarming his inbox...but i read somewhere that if the lord can take a minute out of his time to protect the baby sparrow in his nest than he can take a second to listen to me...so i ask

once in a while...or probably more than once in a while...i fall apart and beg the lord to help me put the pieces together

and for a sign

just a sign that i'm doing the right thing. or the wrong thing...or that he's listening...anything to make me feel less alone int his world.

i remember my sophomore year i cried...i sobbed to the lord after years of running from him. i used to dream scripture. i'd be pulled awake with verses in my head or my heart that i had to look up...and i'd read them and sometimes they'd make sense...sometimes they would be exactly what i wanted to hear and sometimes exactly what i needed to hear and sometimes nothing that i wanted at all...i'd send them to my mother or my sister if i felt it applied to them rather to me

but i guess after all my running i lost the road back to those days when answer came quickly and easily

so i cried that night. wrapped up in a field of blew comforter praying out my window for help.

please...i can't do it anymore...i can't do this anymore...i'm done. just
send me him. send me my husband...please, lord. please

i had forgotten about that prayer months later after returning home. remaining in a lackluster relationships that had no complaints other than the fact that i didn't even think of loving him and a met this guy who i wasn't even interested in looking at twice...but it was nice to have someone think nicely of me...

i remember this story like it yesterday. a minute ago. right now...i don't know. i remember getting dressed. i remember getting int he car. i remember my purse on my knees and my hands in my lap and looking at him and thinking over the explosion of music assaulting my sensibilities

i'm not even slightly interested in this guy

and i looked out the window and the truck speeding past and i heard you. i felt you. words whispered in my ear as if your chin was wresting on my shoulder in an embrace

here's cory.

thats it. 2 word. 2 words that brought back years of memories. or being a little girl in a purple room and my mother telling us to pray for our husbands just as her mother had told her to...and being too young to understand to ask for security and happiness and wealth a prayed for a name.

Lord, please let my husband's name be cory.

who knows why i came up with that. probably an early infatuation with Boy Meets World. Maybe I wanted what Topanga had...who knows...but who would have known decades later I would remember that moment sitting in a car next to a complete stranger. i remember him looking at me and the little smirk just on the edge of a smile that he sent my way and that was it

i told him that story once. a year ago...during one of out many battles where we broke up and got back together. he had his own moment too. when he freestyles with his cousins a year before meeting me...but described every detail he never knew about me...he just knew...

and maybe that's why we always acted the way that we did with each other. Because it didn't matter. IF this was what was meant to be...then it would be. it had to be

but i wouldn't let it.

and he wouldn't let it.

and now its over.

sometimes i just have to write out what i've been thinking...so please ignore my constant complaints...i'm really not this bad in person. its just moments that a realize how much has changed...and how it shouldn't have if we were mature enough to handle what we had

and in my heart i keep saying i'll wait. i think i've always been waiting. sabotaging everything else in a th desperate attempt to keep what i lost...and i'm mad that you didn't do the same thing

but back to the point.

last night i asked for a sign

if i should go to germany or if i should stay

if i should wait or if i should move on

if it was meant to be...is meant to be...because you promised him to me...or if its over

after all the times i asked for signs to prove that i should leave...and each time i was given one that i ignored until i couldn't ignore them any longer

and then i let go. over something so trivial it seemed a joke...but it was the last moment i could stand.

but now i came back. and i ask for a sign. any sign...a punch in the face. a slap on the wrist. anything to show me which way to turn at this point

and this morning there was a bang.

and my mother ran into my room asking what his the house and what was that noise. i sleepily told her it didn't sound like something hit the house, but that something fell

but what?

i dunno. and i kept slowly getting my feet under me and find a way to get out of the house in a reasonable time to make it to work waking up at the time i should already be at the metro...but having fell asleep at 5 the day before and waking up at 10 with not even an ounce of sleep in my mind. ranting to christeenna for hours and watching So You Think You Can Dance reruns and my favorite Dancing with the Stars until my eyes began to close on their own accord

and as i ran down the stairs to leave i saw a frame peeking behind the couch and i called to my mother to tell her the bang wasn't something hitting us...but rather the picture had fallen off the wall

she came down. surprised at which picture it was. a panoramic baptismal painting. one of the survivors from our old life which has been hanging on the same nail since we moved in 5 years ago.

The nails had disappeared all together. the picture wasn't broken. just fell. slid behind the couch as if it had chosen a new place to reside

hmmm...thats strange. maybe its a sign that its time to move...

she said more to herself than anyone else. and i just stood there...

i listened and tried to understand. and took it as a piece and hoped to get the whole...and hoped the rest of the answers would be what i wanted to hear as well.

Monday, June 14, 2010


I finally made it. Finally
three years later. 4 DC appearances. 2 missed concerts. 1 broken ankle and 1 horrible break up later I finally made it to a Drake concert. And i was not disappointed.
i kind of hoped I would be. I thought maybe if I went...and he forgot the words, or couldn't keep a tune, or sat down the whole time, or the crowd wasn't into or someone spilled a drink on me...something anything would be proof enough that this infatuation would be short lived. unfortunately for me it was great.
it was a great performance. packed. wall to wall people. who knew every word to every song...even the ones not yet released. and it was great.
i hadn't even expected to attend. didn't look for tickets. wasn't planning an outfit. asked about the afterparty once and had no intention of going. Jenkins has already bought our tickets to a concert in August and I was fine just waiting until then...then all of a sudden Bran text me. Friday afternoon. cool nonchalant.
::Hey. u going to the drake concert on sunday?::
: I wish :
::Indeed. is it a time thing? cuz if not i may get tickets from work::
:Na it was a ticket thing. lol:
::Haha indeed. but if I can get tickets do u wanna go wit me?::
ummm...did he just propose marriage? because that sure sounded like a proposal to me
: YES!!! :
i didn't get my hopes up. didn't even think about it again until i was standing at my 5 year high school reunion...surrounded by people and purposely did not stay in contact with pretending to care about their future plans rather than checking my watch to see if it was the ideal time to leave and seem like i came for a reason rather than running away from the people i never liked (except for the select few [or one] who i was surprisingly happy to see again)
::I have good news...:: def never saw that message
::I guess ur hangin out...anyways i got two drake tickets.::
: Just screamed at the reunion. Lol :
so yeah...we went. best date of my life. he said he doesn't like drake. he also said he got the tickets for free...but i saw him slip the guest list woman a $50 so i guess free has a price these days.
it was wonderful. as to be expected. i have no words. we were close. close enough to know he wasn't clean shaven, his eyes are actually light brown and that he does in fact resemble the jewish side of his family a little more than the black relations...he was funny. and charming. and personable...and he loved what he was doing...and to me that means more that anything else. to absolutely love what you do. to have a passion for your art...thats priceless.
the show was amazing. i'm utterly exhausted and don't regret a minute of the 3 hour wait in line or the girl who tried to knock me out because i knocked her cell phone out of her hand (she should have been holding on to it tighter) or the short girl who kept flipping her hair into my mouth...all of it was fine to finally be there and see that it was talent that made him famous and not looks or acting or money...but talent and passion and drive.
and the fact that he hasn't forgotten where he came from and he hasn't forgotten it wasn't the hood. and he's still a person with hopes and dreams and faults and its wonderful to know that this new generation of artists are people. people that we can relate to and look up to and are
just real.
and standing in a room over capacity with one exit and 2 balconies and hundreds of people between the ages of 15 and 35 from white to black to asian to everything in between and mixed together shoulder to shoulder relating to one thing...or a million things and all these ideas and plans and dreams...
it was

Friday, June 11, 2010

ups and downs

just ran across a picture of my ex making out with his new gf on facebook. the time it was posted was less than a week after he was emailing me to see him.

quickest way to ruin a night...

on a high- i got into the University of Heidelberg class of 2012!

perfect timing because i really need to make an exit from this scene.

just have to figure out where i can get the money. and then i'm out like trout.

maybe this is why i've been feeling so flightly recently. both of these things.

scoob told me he erased my email too. lol. thank goodness for germany

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

daisy's back

There was this book i read once. and i emphasize the once because i tend to finish a book and immediately begin again until i know the book by heart and i can skip to my favorite parts and read the first line and already know word for word what happens next.

i only read this once

i'm actually now sure what happened to the book. its not even in the library i call i room. i might have left it somewhere...but strangely enough i can remember that book almost better than the one i read last night

maybe because it hit too close to home

it was called Daisy's Back in Town by Rachel Gibson

I like Gibson's books. i like how she writes. her characters are realistic. their problems are problems we all face. their love seems real. their fights seem real- the only fiction is the moment when HE realizes he lover HER and there's a three page monologue about how perfect she is...

...that never happens in real life

but each of Gibson's books, about 4 pages from the end- there it is. like clock work. when i reread the books i usually skip those three pages and just get straight into the hint of the future of the last parting joke.

anyway. back to the book i'm talking about.

Daisy's Back in Town is about a woman returning for the first time in 15 years from her childhood home. her husband recently died and she has a 15 year old son and she has a secret (duh). Of course her long lost love is there and their story is told through flash backs and arguments that happen everytime there in a room with each other for longer that 3 minutes.

the reason the book seems to real to be true is by how the narrator describes the love between the three main characters (one being absent due to death)

There were two best friends and Daisy and they all loved each other. Daisy married one but always loved the other (just read it to find out more...)

but its explained that her love for her husband was calm and peaceful- like an ocean. they matched each other. it was soothing and comfortable and right

but with Jackson (had to look up his name) it was explosive. Always explosive. their fights were huge. their reactions huge their love HUGE. there was never a calm moment just one to the next to the next

it had always been that way. and it terrified her. even then it terrified her. as a little girl.

what happens if the explosions stop?

what happens if they don't?

it just seemed to much like me i guess...that feeling. that explosion...

i'm terrified of that feeling

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

i feel the breeze blowing in

I haven't been in the mood to talk recently...its a trend i have. once in a while i just disappear for a while. its usually blamed on a boyfriend or a family situation or a million and one other things that have occurred between my social climax that lead to the steady decline into...


i don't really know whats brought it on this time. i felt it coming on on the drive back from myrtle beach. maybe that was it...maybe that caused it...

i used to call these my "gypsy days" when i was in high school. a moment that i just wanted to be carried away with the breeze...i'm not sure if i even want to go anywhere.

i don't know how to describe the feeling... of being boxed in and....free....all at the same time....

i'm not quite sure what i'm going to do about it.

i've been avoiding phone calls. first from the boys i met by the sea. nice guys who want to take me out...but i'm just not in the mood for small talk...that in their mind will only lead to one conclusion

that never will

and then my brother called...and i ignored him too...and i didn't mean to. i just wasn't in the mood for serious conversations. or joking. or conversing at all.

i just posted up in my mother room. a cup of water to my left. my mother to my right and my lap top obviously in my lap and just stayed there for the night...

and when the moon rise and my mother slept a crept out of her room to my own and skipped around a romance novel till i had enough hope to go to sleep...and possibly wake up happier than i felt that day

i'm still here though. in this rut

i feel a hand clenching my heart and myself being pushed forward...and i want to run and escape and come back and sleep and wait till this feeling goes away like it always does eventually.

maybe its just the feeling that somethings coming. something right around the corner. maybe all along these "gypsy days" are just my own anticipation. I wish i could remember what happened after them in school...

i wish i knew what to expect

or maybe one day the hand will be gone. and the push gone. and the need gone and i'll be back to being who i always am

but for today...i'm someone else today...i'm somewhere else...and i dont know when i'll be back


I sent an email last night...an email long time coming...but that needed to be sent.

a goodbye email

sometimes its easier to say the goodbye than to wait for the goodbye to come.

i wrote one before...but sent it to an email that was no longer working...and i think i knew that subconsciously when i sent it...i cheaters way out of telling you how i felt. he wrote me a letter once. its a trend in my relationships to tell everything in one rushed monologue on paper so that you're not there when its finally being heard.

i'm the queen of crying and crying and whispering my sorrows to you while you sleep...but the men i love- they write. they don't say a word but they write it all down nonetheless...i think in the end they're better heard than i am.

but i wrote a letter. and i tried to keep it short. a teacher once told me "anything over 3 pages is just a rant" stop reading was implied...i didn't want it to seem that way

i wanted to apologize for my mistakes...for my insecurities...but i didn't want to be alone in them. i didn't want to carry the burden but i didn't want to bring out that old hurt again either

Hannah Miet wrote the other day "the narrator was angry but nostalgic. The narrator was sympathetic but unforgiving. The narrator was entirely unsure of what the narrator wanted to say"

i felt that way last night...but i just kept writing. and after a while i would erase and rewrite and read and rewrite and add hear and take off there...sewing a garment of i'm sorry s. and i forgive you s and please tell me you want me again wrapped up in a huge quilt of i'm stronger now than i used to be...

and i saved it like all the other letters i wrote but never sent. it weighed down my inbox...this blanket i created. it stared at me through links and webpages and tvshows and it whispered words like

what would it hurt?

why not?

don't do it...

but in the end i did. i clicked it fast thinking i could blame it on a flick of the wrist...but it wouldn't let me. it popped up "there is no subject. are you sure you still want to send this?"

and i saved it again...and came back an hour later and tried again...this time i couldn't blame it on anything

i knew what i was doing this time...but i ended it with "goodbye i guess..."

after all of it i'm still as insecure as i always thought i was...for you. for anyone...but i let you know...

at least i had a chance to let you know


Monday, June 7, 2010

i miss you more

there is one person who can always make me cry...not even saying a word i can just look at her and feel my heart break


i don't know why...or maybe i do. just knowing all we have in common. all we don't and the one thing that keeps us tied together through it all...even though it probably shouldn't.

whenever i talk to her i cry. without even meaning to...and i try to keep it quiet. to sound normal on the phone. or in person. but i'm sure she know. i'm sure she can hear it...and sometimes i feel like i can hear her voice crack too

we both know how things should have ended. could have ended. of the sunday dinners that should have happened. the christmas eves that could have existed. the future that was just within grasp

she always sighs and say "like i've told you...if its mean to happen...it will"

her faith floors me.

i wish i felt that way...but i know its not true. as much as she does. it doesn't always end that way...the way it should. If it did we wouldn't have wars. or famine. or death. or depression

or fear

and have them. so how can she say it so calmly.

and i tell her "i know"

and i feel my breath shake

and my heart clench...and i know she feels it to...that inevitable breaking that always occurs when we know that this might be the last time we speak

but for some reason we keep coming back

or maybe i keep coming back........maybe its me that keeps prolonging the inevitable.

but i found myself this saturday standing in her living room like i used to stand so often. talking to her and her daughter and her husband like i used to. and everything was almost like it always was...except for the empty room upstairs and the silence we each kept trying to fill...and we almost succeeded...talking just to talk. making plans we knew we wouldn't keep and tossing promises as light as air...but we needed to hear them just the same...we all needed them floating there between us

to pretend there was some sort of security there

but knowing that it was gone. had been gone...might not have been there if not for the love i fell into with that family

trying to let them go almost hurts more...because i can't seem to figure out how...

and if i did...i'm not sure i would

and i'm sorry that i'm too selfish to do it

but i've lost too many people i've loved throughout my life. and i didn't mean to love them...but you can't choose your family...we just were...we always were...

and i pray for times like that again. happy times like that again without the whispering clock in our minds...afraid the door might open and someone will find us there as a.......family

i yearn for those days

i mourn them

i crave them

and i have to learn to let them go

Friday, June 4, 2010

curves ahead

I forgot to update

I went out with Bran the other day. Wednesday I think. After i saw my trainer- i tend to go out with him when i'm sore...i don't know if it's intentional. it was the day after dinner with matt...where- well you know what happened

anyway- we went to see Letter's from Juliet.

in concept it sounds like a really cute story. Women travel to go to the wall beneath Juliet's, (Rome's Juliet...) balcony window. They write letters about love; lost love, forbidden love, young love etc. well a group of women gather the letters every night- read them and respond. Well of course a beautiful blonde with her own subconscious doubts about love shows up and somehow joins the group and in the process, finds a letter that's been hidden in the wall for 50 years. Well Sophie (the girl in question) responds. you know. girl meets boy, hates boy, falls in love

the theme- wait for it. it'll come. true love conquers all

it would have been cute if it wasn't for a bad script and sub par acting...it probably was a better screenplay than a movie.

anyway i went with bran, because he's the only one who would go see a chick flick with me...did he get the hint? of course not. his jokes were funny in the beginning...but he has a tendency to keep them going a bit past funny... and for some reason he can't carry on a serious conversation with me in person. ever

at all


i dunno what to do

going to the beach with Scoob and Gaby this weekend if the weather permits. Kind of thought i'd run into Aaron, but the family is making sure that doesn't happen...which is for the best.

i have to admit i did email him. I know i'm an idiot (Tosin if you're reading this...i don't want to hear it from you...) he never responded. not surprised. of course now

hurt a little

as expected

scoob told me he introduced her to Alecia. i was pissed...not to mention the new girl who's already being paraded around...it took me 6 months...its taken her what 2 weeks? and alecia less than that.

i guess i expected him to wait. i expected him to succeed and wait. to want more out of life, out of himself and somehow- like all romantic comedies- we'd meet again and everything would work the way it was supposed to in the first place

except in real life men are whores...lol...and so are women...and life isn't fair

and no one waits

and i always end up crying (i'm kind of annoyed with that bit)

but w/e. we'll see what happens. My life usually follows the same structure...but the inside always twists and turns a little

i'm ready for a bit of turn right about now. so whenever you're ready to twist, Lord, let me know

period ?

my coworker just had a moodswing on me...she's pregnant so it's to be expected.

she wanted me to do some work for her...she works in another department so she has a different manager than i do. i actually was hired to replace her here so they could move her somewhere else in the office. anyway...i had to make a transition book of sorts...i had to make two copies and it took 2 weeks to get all of the information from every segment of the globe and reformat and edit and reedit until finally it was completed....

and after all of that Riri's manager decided she wanted a copy...ok well i uploaded all of the sections onto the shared computer drive she can see everything we can see

no she wants a hard copy

ok...well everythings up there

then riri asked me to get the other book and meet her at her desk...umm...i'm not making it again...and you can come get the book i don't have it...

she flipped...that was yesterday

well today she calls and does it again. telling me to go get the book out of my managers office...i was like you can do that? its equidistant from the two of us...

i told her everything was uploaded...even the table of contents...w/e. i got the book and brought it to my desk and told her she could come get it (a further walk than if she just went and got it herself)

she then came up here and reprimanded me...telling me not to interrupt her when she's talking and to stop finishing her sentences and acting like i know what she's going to say because she wasn't asking me to make the book for her...etc.

i sat there

i listened

she finished and looked at me

are you finished? is your sentence complete?


then she proceeded to go page by page asking me how i did it...

its online.


and then acted like we were friends

you can go sit down now


Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Every now and then
I still get a flashback
Of the time I spent
Thinking you could be that one
Should I have just catched along?

As I understand,
We did have some good times
On the other hand,
Got my crying all night
It was too much for my mind

So even though I left you
I can't forget you

'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet...
I still have the box
Full of things you gave me
Something always stops me, yeah

as I say
Deep inside my heart
I made the right decision
But it's gonna hurt
When you might less think it
Did I make a big mistake?

Even though I left you
I can't forget you

'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

When I think about you
It's bittersweet...

See I don't understand
Like, somebody is gonna get hurt
Out of this situation
And you just hope it's not you

At times...

Part of me wants you, part of me don't
Part of me is missing you, part of me is gone
Part of me is saying that the love is still strong,
Part of me is letting go
So even though I left you
I can't forget you

'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

When I think about you, it's bittersweet

It's bittersweet...

as usual

so i must be PMSing, but i can't control my moodswings this week...

i just walked away from losing my mind over something that on a regular basis wouldn't have even been a speck of lint on my shoulder.

my boss is leaving. the person who hired me for the position that i have- he was only on detail and i love him like there is no tomorrow...but his detail is up and he's going back home...and i'm sad.

we set up the luncheon for him. planned the table set up, laid out the plates...i walked away and another women remade the entire room.

i knew she was going to do it. she kept walking in with her needless commentary

(we've already talked about how i feel about that)

and as soon as i left the room she did what she'd been waiting to do...now there's chaos...and my eyes are watering and i'm pissed...

i decided to skip on lunch to avoid the inevitable.

its not even that serious...but i guess it all started yesterday

i had lunch with an old friend from highschool...and he's nothing like how i remember him...or maybe he's everything like how i remember him and it was sad that i realized why we aren't friends anymore- won't be friends anymore

and i came home to pictures of aaron's new gf on my computer

and i died a little inside

just crumpled and melted away.

and spoke to his cousin and told her

i wish i knew how to stop loving him


its not fair that she get him after everything i did


its not fair that i don't know how to let go

and i hated her. her extraordinary height. her wig. her bad teeth. the fact that no one liked her...but that wouldn't give him back to me...the way he was in the beginning...the way he was when i fell in love with him

it wouldn't make me forget anything...it wouldn't let me

and i couldn't stop...

and thats when the tears started...after everything. after everything...there i was again...crying my heart out for him...again

i guess somethings never change

sometimes they're not meant to

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

the ocean and you

i think we look best
at twilight
on the beach
with the gentle beat of waves crashing
and the scent of salt water waltzing on the breeze
our skins is softest
covered in sand and
tinted slightly blue beneath the waves
around us
and our voices carry
a slightly musical tune
when swept away with gull cries
and giggles
and the soft trickle of water
sliding between our skin

i think our flavors mesh best
with a touch of salt
just a pinch
or a bucket
so much so that when i rub my hands across your flesh
i feel the grit
that makes you stronger
even to yourself
that withstanding force
like stone
and tree
and shelter
and me and you and everything in between
and the sea

-­ - -

some times
pictures say a thousand words
and others
they only need to say


or a few

i miss you

or none

and the silence alone reminds you

everything that came before
and after
and between

but i have tons of stories for you
and i want you to remember me like that

a picture
and silence
and memories of words
not told or whispered
or written for your eyes alone

and in color

i want you to remember me in color

Black Bike Week 2010

Home sweet Home!

its nice to be back. not that the beach was all together bad...but i think 4 days was a bit much to be locked in a hotel room with my friends.

there's so much to tell....i don't even know where to begin...and if i tell it all this will be the longest update ever. lets just pick and choose parts of the story and see if we can piece it all together.

It was Isata and Mango and me. Isata's friend backed out at the last minute. She's dating an older man who goes out all the time, but doesn't like her doing the same thing. so about an hour before we left she called Isata to let her know she wouldn't be attending...but she would still pay her part of the hotel.

I was a little wary about bringing Mango. We used to work together...but we fell out big time after our last trip to Ibiza where she caught feelings hard over a promoter she was talking to...things got ugly. really ugly...we haven't been out since. but since isata was bringing a friend i thought i'd bring one to make an even 4 and lower the price of the room...it did lower the price. the party ended up only being 3. and in the end it was more like 3 strangers cohabiting than friends.

no i take that back. isata was cool the whole time. but she disappeared to be with her man a lot...another piece of the puzzle i didn't know about until after we got there...and mango caught feelings again. hard

we left at midnight. it was supposed to be 11pm on thursday, but since mango decided to check the clock all the time (even on the way back when she swore i only drove for 2 hours...even though i'm pretty confident to say that from 3-6am i was behind a wheel)...we're not all together positive when we left...

the trip down wasn't bad. i slept for most of it. Isata rented a beautiful Impala that drove like Aaron's GrandPrix. I decided to be designated driver for the rest of the trip.

we got to SC around 8am. we couldn't check in until 11 so we just sort of cruised around...or rather sat in the garage until we could.

the beach was amazing

it was gorgeous. it drizzled the first day...but not for long. and the rest of the time it was absolutely breath taking

Isata took us over the meet her boo. He left us waiting int he living room at the house his biker gang always rents. that was the first sign i didn't particularly care for him.

i got kidnapped by Mac- a counselor from JFK...with no sideburns and an old man's harley

Veronica later told me "don't leave me again like that. i would never do that to one of my girls..."

the sign that i would eventually want to kill her by the end of the night.

we came back and got dressed for their annual Down 'n Dirty pre-memorial day bash

it ended up being a bunch of middle aged men...and a bunch of middle aged women...who hated on us... but i ran into Lienette...which was funny. 5 years later 300 miles away and you run into people you went to high school with.

i wish i took pictures.

some guy tried to kiss me on the beach...i've never tucked my chin to my chest fast than i did at that moment...wow...no...

the next day we hung out with Lienette...and found out that the reason none of the guys were answering their phones was because Lienette's friends were over there...awkward...i had a good time though

that nigh Isata decided on going to the club...wait i skipped the part about Elijah. He was sitting next to us on the beach...and him and his friend Cake (for some weird reason everyone had weird fake names...) we decided to have drinks at his place (7 floors beneath ours) before heading to the club...when we got there none of us knew we were coming and elijah saw me...walked in the hallway and text me "where are you"

::blank stare::

he continued to text and call every 15 minutes for the rest of the night. are you friggin kidding me...

anyway...isata decided to walk around since we couldn't find a club worth going to...but the streets of Myrtle Beach are crazy at night...and after one nigga grabbed my ass it was over for the night....

then we got cornered in an ally by a group of aggressive lesbians.

and every other man on the street stopped us...

the 4th time mango caught feelings...

i forgot to mention the others

2- at the party when i guy she knew from back at home didn't immediately come say high to her

3- when she poured her drink into my cup and i spilled a drop on the bottom of her dress after she bumped into me...she started yelling and pushing me...i looked at her like she was crazy

"do you want me to rewind time and make it not happen"

"wtf. you'd be mad if it happened to you"

"yeah i'm wearing white...i already apologized...what else do you want?"

when Isata laughed she switched stories

"ooo...lol....you know i'm just playing..."

i walked away

she kept saying these weird little things like

"you know whats great about the three of us...guys can choose their preference.
chocolate, caramel of white chocolate..."

#petpeeve needless bringing up skin color...

she also told me she doesn't consider me light. not that i do...but more than she prefers light skinned men...

#petpeeve needless commentary

anyway...im pissing myself off...

we walked around the next day and went souvenir shopping...

Isata bought her sister a turtle

more beach time

and then on the road at 3am.

forgot to mention i woke up and Isata was gone on Saturday. she left at 5am to the boys house after the day of silence

and the fighting over what time to leave after Mango fussed and fussed abotu not wanting to be on the road all day on memorial day...so we decided to leave the night before

she said 3

then later asked why we came up with that time...

::blank stare::

"i'm just not sure i'm going to want to wake up that early."

i told isata to back me and stood on 3

we got back around 10am.
Mango immediately got in someone elses car and went to OC

i came home to find my AniBunni crawling...
i was going to add more pictures...but the computer isn't letting me...maybe i'll add them when i get home