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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Aaron forgave me today....

i must really be horrible at communication if he thout at any moment i was apologizing for something.

He forgave me for everything that he resented me for. however he never gave me an examples of what he resented me for.

This whole conversation came out when he started asking me when i get out of class and if i wanted to get something to eat. when i asked why he said we needed to talk....about what?

"Honestyle about what the issue of everything. I didn't know what it was between me and u but I know now. And maybe u do to but u think I'm against u and every time we talk we don't get the answers we really want."

"I forgive u for everything"

umm what? the last time i spoke to him he was going off on me about hwo i need to get over my issued with his mother....but now you want to go to eat and you forgive me.

i said ok....i guess sometimes i can't help being rude.

he that i brushed it off like i don't care. "Maybe u should learnto forgive."

"maybe you should learn to apologize."

"i'm sorry I ruined your life. OSrry I let you down. Sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me"


"That's it?"

"What do you want?" You want a clean slate? You want to be cleansed of your sins?
Thank you for realizing your actions have consequences.
but no. I don't forgive you. I don't have to"

thats when he said i think i'm perfect. that i only care about myself....all of this while he's sending things from his new cellphone...on his break at work. from his new life. in his new home....while i'm 25 and married and alone....

nope i don't care about you hurting...i guess not...i guess looking at your vacation pictures. and hearing your holiday stories from your cousins...and listening to your excuses once a month...and suddenly you forgive me.

thank you. thank you for your forgiveness. i feel complete now. thank you...i can now continue on with my life in knowing that you have forgiven me...

he then asked me to tell him that i odn't love him....because he can't go on thinking that i do.

i won't give you that. that release from your guilt. i won't lie for you to feel better at night.

does that make me a horrible person to not know how to not love you?...

no one explained that in that fine line between love and hate...you can still love that person....i think thats what makes i hurt even more in the end...the not knowing how....to.........let............go............

Monday, July 9, 2012

my husbands gone.

i don't know if that's even a true statement since thinking back on the entire situation i don't know if he was ever really here to begin with.

my husbands gone.

maybe if i jut keep saying it something will click.

my husbands gone

and it feels like my best friend died. or my confidant. or my arch enemy moved in next door and keeps stealing my parking place.

my husbands gone

and sometimes i wake up in the morning and think that this is just one big joke. one long nightmare. i'll wake up a year ago. 2 years ago. 3 years ago......4 years ago and none of this would have happened and we'll just be....

my husbands gone....

and i don't know which is worse - that he's gone or that he's still here...and i have to look at him and speak to him and realize that at some point in the lasy year he turned into someone that i want no part in.

my husbands gone...........

and it feels like the world has stopped spinning sometimes.
like everything is backwards. and up is down. and right is wrong. and no one realizes how much it hurts just to wake up every morning and keep going....

my husbands gone.

i wonder if ppl know it just by looking at me. i wonder if you stand close enough you can hear my heart breaking. i wonder if pain radiates off a person like heat.

i wonder if he even hurts like this....

my husband gone................and if you looked at him you'd never know the last 2 years ever happened
So I haven't posted in a while. A lot happened and I couldn't seem to put them into words let alone find the time to post about it.

I'm back at work now. Its a bittersweet situation. Its nice to be around adults. to have adult conversations. To be here....doing something productive...but I'd much prefer to be at home with Solana. Its hard to be away from her. and by the time I do see her I'm exhausted. My littl ebit of bonding time is usualy spent sleeping...or trying to sleep.

Life is getting back into order. its not where I thought i'd be its. it no where near where i expected to be...but i'm not surprised i'm here. I'm also not upset about it anymore...ok maybe today i'm upset. only because i got a total of 4 hours to sleep in two nights. dressed myself and baby alone. rushed out of the house. hshared a car with my mother. dropped her off at daycare and known that i was imposing on my mother for additional support

i shouldn't have to do that

i shouldn't have to do this alone

my mother shouldn't have to help so much

its just where i some how ended up.

it was time for a change. and i feel it in the air. that there is more change to come. that this isn't the end of it...but just the beginning. i think more big changes are on the way and i'm not upset about that. i know that they're all for goo din the long run. they'll all help me get to where we need to be.

we deserve so much more than we have here. and i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that my daughter has the future...the life...that she deserves.

i think the nest 25 year years are going to go a log smoother for me. a lot happened in 2011. a lot will be fixed in 2012. a lot will be accomplished.

i just have to be ready to take hold... written 1/27/2011 - one day i'll actually post when i'm done

Friday, October 28, 2011

here comes the curveball

AHHH! I haven't updated in a while...but life has been hectc with a new baby. This doesn't mean that my in laws have been any easier...i just haven't really had time to simply focus on their crazy.

MIL has a new trend of trying to butter my up on thursday so she can try to force a visit on fridays. mind you at this point i don't enjoy being alone in a room with her. well 2 week ago she came over and started giving me marriage advice.... "you're going to have ups and downs...but you need to look at this baby and remember what the reason is..." ummm? we didn't just get married because i was pregnant. aaron and i have been together for like 4 years...it was bound to happen...yeah we sped it up a bit...but we didn't just meet each otehr and get pregnant.

anyway the whole point is to say she's the queen of jumping over boundaries adn giving inappropriate advice...

so she comes over today. she text me at 10am asking if she could stop by..and i didn't have an excuse since aaorn took the car, but i told her aaron would be home around 3....so she said she'd come after she got off of work at 1:30
when i told aaron that she was coming his question "did she ask you if she could" good boy! you're learning...

so aaron comes home early and its a total surprise to MIL that he was there. the visit started up pretty nice until i brought up the baptism. I tol dher its scheduled from november 20 and that they wanted to know how many pews to reserve so i asked her how many do you think

::blank stare::

change of subject...so i have to bring it back. "how many people do you think we can expect from your family?"

"who are YOU going to invite from my family?"

wow. the queen of inviting ppl i don't even know to my babyshower is now asking me who i'm inviting to a baptism...

ok...moving on "we're thinking about going to dinner after words

::blank stare::

change of subject...so aaron brings it back "well do you think we should like go to dinenr afterwards

"do YOU want to go to diner afterwards?


and each thing she finishes off with "i'm here for you guys. tell me what you NEED me to do" umm...who are you

its like I can't expect anything from our visits....she always has a friggin curveball

i'm not from a family that invties the whol eextended famiyl to baptisms. its not my culture. and when i wanted to invite ppl to my babyshowershe started inviting a ton of ppl. same for the birth of m child. wheni don't want advice she gives it...

but here i am ASKING for it and she shuts it down "what do YOU want? what are YOU going to do? I'm here for you....tell me what you NEED me to do" I need your fucking advice

fuck it...

i'm not inviting anyone from your family.

my family will just go out to eat afterwards

this was a nice reminder of why i don't ask you for your opinion

by the way

i hate you

Friday, October 7, 2011

hurdle number one

about to go meet aaron's dad for the first time
1) he flaked the first time we were supposed to meet. didn't answer aaron's calls and then called the next day saying he was ready to meet...
2) he asked to meet today, but asked aaron to call and remind him the day before...then avoided aarons calls yesterday
3) he avoided his calls today as well
4) we're supposed to meet him at the golden corral and neither of us have any money
5) we're supposed to meet at 1
6) he just called back saying he
was on his way up there now after being MIA all day
7) i have a baby who needs to eat and get dressed and i haven't gotten dressed yet
8) he doesn't have a car
9) he's talked aaron into meeting him by saying "i have something for you
10) i know this is going to get back to lorena...
this is my life.

having dinner with MIL on sunday. She blows me. lots of updates on that front...but not for now. for now lets just deal with this hurdle...

goodness i don't do well with black men....they tend to be so disappointing

Friday, September 16, 2011

new baby...same drama...

Wow I haven't posted in a long time. I started a new blog focused entirely on mu daughter - TheLittlestIraheta.blogspots.com

I had to be careful since I complain so much abotu MIL on this site that I couldn't let them link to each other. This woman by the way is turning into a psych. I actually spoke with out marriage counselor about it during a 1 on 1 today. He actually agreed with me, which was a relief. He believes she has a personality disorder and that I'll just need to cut her off to get away from her.

"Its not up for discussion. if you have anything else you'd like to say, write me a letter, but i'm not talking about it anymore."

he said that i would probably never get any support from Aaron's family, but i would earn a lot of respect.

Example of MIL's overbearing ways: After Solana was born we invited Joe and Terry to come to the hospital to see her. They were literally the only ppl we called to invite. they were supposed to be the god parents, until it got vetoed. well they came over and hung out which was wonderful. Well I just found out this woman called up Joe and Terry afterwards to "thank" them for coming to visit us. "i know that you are close to holly and aaron and i really wanted to thank you for comign to the hospital." ummm excuse me? are you the hostess? back off! She even confronted Terry for wearing Purple
"oh you like the color purple...holly likes the color purple too..." ::snear::

she's so immature.

the counselor said that the fail safe would just to be to admit that I don't understand her. Its not that I don't like her...i just don't get her...

i really avoid her at all costs at this point. Its really immature...but after she started trying to divide and conquer...i just stopped talking to her. i"m simply waiting for "My hill to die on" - that one situation that I will not/could not/refuse to back down from. I'm gonna go hard whenever i find it.

at this point I'm just not going to talk to her since I feel like i have to ask her permission before i can do anything for my child. Can't by her a baptismal gown cuz aaorn's was saved. Can't buy bedding because she wants the abby to use aarons. Aaron's bangles. She's wants to host to baptismal party. not those god parents. Not that color...on and on...well i'm over it. i'm just going to play elsewhere in the words of the counselor...i'm not asking her permission about my own child.


its going to be a long 18 years...and she's going to learn her place...

hopefully sooner rather than later.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

i want my body back.

i want to sleep at night

i want to meet my daughter. and hold her. and look at her. and bring her home and meet her and get to know her

i want to heal. i want to be able to walk and not have my back hurt. to be able to roll over and sit down and stand up and climb stairs

i want the little things i never realized i wanted

i want my whining to be about crying babies and car seats and doing hair...

i don't want to be pregnant anymore...