Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Monday, March 28, 2011

lots of stuff and a couple lessons in the end

so things are still weird between MIL and me. i keep hoping that it would go back to the way it was before...but i dunno. she still hasn't mentioned anything about the baby shower to me. i saw her on sunday and i think she knows that i'm just not interested in her ish. she tried to cause a big scene that i didn't go out of my way to say hello to her...and then later she tried to act like we were BFFs by rubbing up on my stomach and telling me stuff about my baby that was wrong...and he BF decided to start quoting facts that I taught him incorrectly and when i tried to correct him said "don't try to tell me...you know i know..." homie...sit down. learn english first. ok now i'm just being stank. so the baby shower is going to be at my house. mom says only about 25 ppl...and just the essentials would be about 35 ppl...and inviting aaron's family alone would be 30 ppl not counting the 30 ppl i want to invite... so the options are 1: ask his mother who she would want to bring and tell her that i can only have around 25...and then be pissed when she a) doesn't respond or b) says no one OR 2: not ask her her opinion. only ask the main ppl in aaron's family not including extended family who probably wouldn't show anyway...deal with their random ish about not being invited and move on with life i don't think i'm going to ask MIL. I think i'm going to go through aaron with any questions or concerns i have as she has yet to tell me anything. i'm over it. my kid...my rules. the main thing i want aaron to tell her is i don't want 2 baby showers. the point was the bring the whole group together to get to know each other and she shot that one out of the sky. well fuck it. i'm inviting my friends...its my baby shower...and if you're family isn't invited its because i don't consider them friends or family... i just want to get it all over with. i usually just avoid having parties to not offend ppl. well i'm over that option. i've been offended. i bought a bassinet. i think this is all a part of nesting. i can't stop buying things that i think are necessary. i just swear no one is going to get the things that i think are essential..so i just keep getting it. one of my coworkers (Morgen) who also cloth diapers (CD) has given me tons of hints and tricks. she told me to check out craigslist...which i used to do for everything else...but now i'm doing it for this. found an arms reach baby bassinet for $60 already assembled and in pristine condition. i bought it immediately. def. don't have room for it at the moment...but i'll figure something out. i'm just happy i have it. so for now: Crib - CHECK Bassinet - CHECK Stroller and car seat - CHECK CHECK and starting on a CD collection... on a different note - i watched Eat Pray Love this weekend. I started watching it while waiting for aaron and finished watching it while he played video games. i had already figured out the point of the movie within the first 20 minutes...and told him what i figured the point was. a woman leaving a divorce and trying to find herself...but quickly realizing that since the age of 13 has lost herself complete within the ppl she dates. its a story of finding yourself and keeping yourself in and out of relationships the final point being the idea of a soul mate - someone who is the opposite of you in every way...who can stop and make you think about the world in a different way
"...A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything thats holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever. Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."
I've heard that quote before. I read it about a year ago in a blog that a woman wrote about my BF. it had broken my heart to think that anyone could consider him their soul mate or that he could consider them as such. i watched the movie to prove to myself that they were wrong...i didn't find what they did in the story. i didn't find that moment of clarification. the moment that hit me hardest was a moment near the end of the movie
"I don't need to love you to prove that I love myself."
I remember that moment. I remember when I said something similar to Aaron. It had hurt him and I hadn't meant for it to. I just had needed to find myself, much as Liz had. I needed to run away from the life that I kept getting stuck in to find out who I was and where I was going. did I find a soul mate along the way. no...i don't think so. i think there has always been a person who shakes up how i see the world. a couple of ppl that ride in as a cavalry when even i fall down and shake things up and show my how things are supposed to be. or how things should never be. and after everything got knocked upside down i realized that i could love myself without him. i could love myself just has hard with him... do i think that they weer soul mates. it would still break my heart too much to say so. personally...no...i don't think so. i think that they both dove head first into something to hide from who they were or where they were going. but i can't fault them for that. i've done that. i've said before that everyone learns lessons differently. and there are moments where i am sorry that i jumped in and someone was hurt. i apologize for that almost daily...it wasn't my intention. i feel a lot like Liz in the beginning when she realized she didn't want to be married after all...and she left and apologized. and there was a moment where it all became clear again "But I love him" "So love him" "But I miss him" "So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll be really alone and Liz is scared to death of what will happen if she' s really alone. But here's what you gotta understand....If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and full you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go" "But I wish me and David could - " He cuts me off, " See , now that's your problem. You're wishin too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." I wish i'd found this book when i was alone and scared...it would have meant a lot to me...and maybe it would have helped some too. the movie...not so much. as in all american flicks...in the end she finds some beautiful foreign man who will love her more than she'll need to love him and she sails into the sunset...totally throwing away everythign we learned in the last 2 hours. the food scene were pretty sexy though

Friday, March 25, 2011

about to make it pour

So I have this crazy idea that is probably going to get me into a lot of trouble. maybe it's because i'm selfish. maybe it's because i'm protective. maybe it's because as soon as i think of being a mother i turn into a hippie mama bear... but i think i want my kid off of facebook. 10 years ago that wouldn't even have been an issue. 5 years ago it would have been innovative to put them online. now its so over played...i want them off. my niece is a facebook celebrity. her face has been splashed across the cover page since she was right out of the womb. she has a daily update and probably followers. i feel like if i googled her names she'd have more hits than i do... i don't want that for my child. i feel like if you want to see her you can come see her. if you want to see pictures we'll upload pictures. do i want albums upon albums of her face copied and pasted on the internet. no i think i might start another blogger. i nicer one that doesn't deal with the feelings and emotions on certain things. have something dedicated to her that ppl can see. they can click into it and view the new comings and going. see what she's eaten, what she likes...but they can't take anything back. read: no right clicking. if you want a picture you better ask for one i want the number of pictures of her limited on facebook. there are too many ppl on there who i don't want in my or her life. maybe once in a while. maybe occassionally. on holidays or birthdays...but everyday. no and even then i want to know before you start posting pictures of her. i know a lot of people who aren't going to like that. well i push her out...i make the rules. if aaron wants to post pictures, ok. if i do. fine...but i'm not having a family of 75 that only want to be in her life for the novelty factor shooting of reams of pictures for ppl i don't know and who have nothign to do with us to see. the internet is public domain, i understand that. you can't copyright something that's not published...you can't hide anything on facebook. well i won't let her life be ruined by some picture someone else posted. its going to be a long talk that i have to have with her father...and a longer one with my family... but its not up for discussion. i'm her mother.... we're her parents the end

Monday, March 21, 2011

i think i might kill my MIL...

I had a shorter post earlier this morning, but i thought it might be better to expand a little.

I have nothing against Mother-in-Law.

I can't judge her parenting style or her life choices...or I can, but I'm going to choose not to for this entry...or this sentence. She raised two children to majority without any major mishaps. She lives comfortably with her family and she take care of her business... We got along fine for years.

Even when Bear-Bear and I weren't together MIL and I still spoke. We still caught up on major holidays, I sent pictures of my niece to her. I even hung out at her house on several occasions.

Everything was honky dory...until i found out i was pregnant... ::que the horror music:: in the beginning it was just little things. i told her i was pregnant and she lectured me as everyone was doing...i expected it...i let her with just a nod and silence.

then when BF told her she hugged and soothed and told him how everything was going to be ok. then she wanted a sit down with my mother and myself and her and aaron. ok fine...get your words out. she lectured, we assumed more for aaron than for me. i didn't take it seriously. i had already heard the talk. i already knew what she'd say. but there was a moment when things began to change

"i'm here for you both, aaron, you know that. i'm here for you emotionally...but not financially"

hmm...that one rubbed me the wrong way.

i'm not one to ask for things...unless i'm at a bar and want a drink...and even then i don't really ask for it.

i don't depend on ppl financially and i really haven't since i went to college. when we found out i was pregnant aaron and i were planning on moving out. we had a place. we just needed to sign the paper work. then this happened and i decided i wanted to save everything instead. we didn't ask for any money from either one of them. we didn't even ask for a place to stay...but the first thing she thinks to say in front of my mother is she's not here for us financially... my mother even mentioned it.

"hmm...thats strange," she said later. "You're my child. I will help you as much as I can..."

I let it slide and didn't say anything. then later when we were joking around, MIL and SIL and i...she started telling me everything i needed to put on it. she emphasized 2 car seats and 2 strollers... no thats not necessary. i know aaron and he's not going to have a car seat in his car if there isn't a baby in it...and he's not going to push a stroller when he can just carry her...she disagreed saying we'd need two. noo...we're just going to get 1

"well i want a stroller and a car seat for over here"


i walked away.

i tend to do that a lot recently.

"so are you going to be grandma or GG?"
"no i'm not going to be grandma..."
while cringing "ok so what are you going to be?"
"well all the kids call my mom Mama..."
"oh..the great grandma...::blank stare::..."
"so i think i'll do that too"
"umm what...i dunno about that. 3 mamas...no i don't think so"
"yeah...i don't want to be grandma...i'll be mama"


walks away

"the hospital you go to is horrible. you should have the baby at the hospital where i work"
"no, thanks...i like my hospital"
"but aaron was born there...then him and his daughter could both be born there"
"i was born in CA...but my baby isn't going to be born there..."

walks away
"i've chose the baby shower colors. i'm sure i want purple"
"no you should have pink"
"no...my sisters was pink and i didn't like it. i've decided on purple"
"no...it should be pink"

walks away

"did you make up that name for the baby"
"no its actually a name. it means [insert meaning]"
"hmmm...i dunno about that...maybe it'll grow on me.."

walks away

she's starting to blow me...i don't really know how to handle her from this point. aaron wants to keep things fair. what my mother knows he thinks his mother should.

my mother name is part of baby's middle name so his mother name should be as well [denied].

it just keeps going. i'm going to stop telling him things till we move in together...her influence is just too strong... i never thought i'd have one of those MIL that i would dread...but i'm going to... i don't think she realizes that after 4 years of knowing me i'm not going to be the push over she think i will...she'll ever move over or be walked over...but i'm not competing for first place when i've already won...
that was harsh...but fuck it...

we have 18 more years of this shit to go...

Friday, March 18, 2011

Maybe I'll do better and add more pictures to these posts

there's my baby bear. I thought it was about time that I start adding more pictures. It hasn't really felt real up until this point. Now there is no hiding it. I'm starting to feel pregnant. I'm huge. my ankles swell if i eat too much salt. i can't sleep comfortably...i'm awkwardly addicted to aaron and i dream about peanut butter.

this was baby bear at 19weeks 1 day. exactly a week ago. she was having a fit. I'm assuming the ultrasound was a bit too noisy for her. she tends to act up whenever it's time for pictures. She's still a little girl. I had them check again just in case.

Aaron swears he's known from the beginning...i think it's all lies...

i really wouldn't be surprised if come August a little boy pops out...it would be the story of my life to have a little boy and all pink frills for him to wear

I think I'm getting excited now. or at least i'm settling into the fact that this is real...whichever one...

half way through this step...a whole new life in 20 weeks.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

hide the sharp objects

I'm not married...but i feel like i some how inherited a mother in law.

and I'm glad I like her....I had to watch my mother and grandmother fight for years simply because neither would back down from being number one for my father...not that that turned out so well for either of them.

I feel like regardless of how much you like each other...she wouldn't be your mother in law if you didnt want to stab her in the eye once in a while

i had that feeling yesterday

i was planning on giving birth at holy cross hospital. my OB has an office in the physician's building- but my OBs office is starting to get on my nerves. I had started off with one OB-GYN before i knew I was pregnant. then at the end of my first trimester he broke it to me that he didn't deliver anymore...so i needed to find another doctor from the 7 working in the office. i thought the idea was peachy until i realized that even if i saw a different doctor each time i went in...it was possible on delivery day that i would see someone i didn't know.


...not a fan of this concept...

then everytime i go in they swear i have some sort of illness. i refuse to take another zpack. it can't be healthy. whatever it is you think it is...i think its just how i've been surviving. i'd like a second opinion. if my baby is born with 12 fingers and 17 toes i'm suing.

i had mentioned this to MIL and she told me that she loved her OB Gyn and they worked in the hospital where she worked.

"great. give me their number and i'll give them a call"

she never gave me the number...

i mentioned it to mom and she warned me...you know if its where she works she's going to be there all the time...i dunno how you feel about that....but eh...

not to mention the hospital is in the middle of DC. i don't live far from DC...but when i'm in labor i'm night fighting traffic to get there

so i asked my sister for the name of her OB since I've met them before when my niece was born. She never gave me the number either


well i googled and found them...or someone close by. i don't give a fuck anymore...i'm not askign anyone else.

well last night they asked (MIL and fam) where I was delivering.

[insert name of hospital]

wtf does that mean.

SIL said I should go to georgetown where she was when she was a baby
MIL said where she works...

FIL said yeah if you go where she works she'll have the whole 7th floor watching the delivery.

i walked out of the room

it turned into a pretty heated discussion about when i'm in labor and once my water breaks and how much time i'll need to get to a hospital. SIL tried to tell me if my water break at georgetown when i'm in class then i'm not going to make it to my hospital i better go to gtown hospital.

1) my gtown classes are no where near the hospital
2) i don't go to gtown hospital and the first time i go won't be when i'm giving birth
3) how is a 20 year old going to tell me how much time i'll have to get to a hospital before i give bith
she also started telling me what surgeries my feturn will need if they have spinabifita
who the fuck does that

MIL started telling me that she couldn't even walk once her water broke...because the water was gushing everywhere.

i don't give a fuck. if my option is to give birth in my classroom/office/car or getting up and getting to my hospital...trust i will walk leaking to the hospital

these ppl must not know that i already saw my sister go through this. none of it will be a surprise except for the pain.

they blew me...

aaron had already walked away at this point...while i'm standing their arguing about how they are uneducated and don't know what they're talking about and they try to tell me every old wives tale/personal experience/ family memory that should make me trust their opinion.

i love their family structure. from day one i loved the big family unit. the shouting and laughing and getting along. that fights turn into a friendly banter within minutes. i loved the stories of the old country...of all of the countried. of old wive tales that work and modern remedies that are bullshit. but i think i liked it as a story time...rather than the last and final statement.

well now i'm officially part of the fam...i'm supposed to take the stories as law....i've never done that well.

and aaron just ignores it. unless its my fam vs. his. i think our family discussions might have to just remain between our immediate family...or we both might kill someone...

or i might

stab someone in the eye...


I am 18weeks 5 days today.

I'm doing a better job of keeping count.

I keep just saying months and i usually round up to 5...which is not all together correct. soon i'll be saying 9 months and still have 5 weeks to go. each week for me starts on a thursday...still have no idea when i conceived.

I kind of wish i did just so i could try to remember the night...or day....but alas it might forever be a mystery.

time seems to be speeding by now. maybe it just that from 5 to 16 weeks you don't really see any significant changes. you just gain weight...out of nowhere you get huge and flabby and all you can think about doing is sleeping...then suddently after 16 weeks you have a belly. and you feel kicks and bumps and stretches...and things just seem to happen.

i had my first braxton hicks contractions last week. i think thursday was the first time. my chest just started to hurt...like sitting down compressed my lungs. i had to get up and walk around because there just wasn't enough of me when sitting in a chair. then on saturday on the way to the movie theatre it happened again.

we were walking to the theatre and all of a sudden everything got tight. i tried to explain it to aaron...but there aren't really words. like a cramp- but before it hurts. that feeling that youknow its going to hurt in a minute if you try to stretch it out. the only problem is braxton hicks are supposed to hit right in your abdomen. right below the baby as your uterus prepares for eventual marathon of action that leads to birth. well i'm 5'2" my abdomen is about 5 inches long... i felt that shit in my lungs... i couldn't breathe. i should get enough air in. i couldn't stretch far enough to survive. all i could think was "OW" but it didn't hurt...i just didn't know what else to say... hopefully i have a week reprieve before that happens again

aaron felt the baby move on saturday. finally after weeks of trying she finally worked with us. we were just laying back and relaxing when aaron jumped

"i think i felt her..."

about damn time...lol i felt so bad last time. she would move and move but as soon as he'd come around she would just freeze as if she was listening for his voice. lol. he'd like to hear that...he's already decided everything for this little girl.

i wish i'd taped him playing with ani on sunday. they played for a good hour...until she went hard and fell down the stairs and aaron laughed...ok i didn't say he was perfect...but he loves hard and long...

the latest debates have been on religion. Never thought it would be as big of a deal as it has turned out to be. Hopefully everything has been resolved...we'll see.

I feel like i'm in the middle of the reformation all over again, but seriously Lutherans are as close to catholic as you can get...smh

we've chosen a date. tentative location...planning on counseling... everything is just speeding by... this time next year it will seem so dull after the race we're on this year.

aaron said a couple of day ago "I feel like I just skipped like 30 years of my life..."
"no...you just stalled at 18 for 7 years...you're simply catching up..."

but i know how he feels. 6 months ago we weren't even thinking about all of this. we were trying to stay together...get past all of the changes that drove us apart. looking for an apartment. looking for furniture.

wedding bells were a concept that we hadn't even considered setting in stone.

now we're even past that.... i know god has a plan for all of this.

i hope he does...

....i hope he knows what it is