Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Monday, March 28, 2011

lots of stuff and a couple lessons in the end

so things are still weird between MIL and me. i keep hoping that it would go back to the way it was before...but i dunno. she still hasn't mentioned anything about the baby shower to me. i saw her on sunday and i think she knows that i'm just not interested in her ish. she tried to cause a big scene that i didn't go out of my way to say hello to her...and then later she tried to act like we were BFFs by rubbing up on my stomach and telling me stuff about my baby that was wrong...and he BF decided to start quoting facts that I taught him incorrectly and when i tried to correct him said "don't try to tell me...you know i know..." homie...sit down. learn english first. ok now i'm just being stank. so the baby shower is going to be at my house. mom says only about 25 ppl...and just the essentials would be about 35 ppl...and inviting aaron's family alone would be 30 ppl not counting the 30 ppl i want to invite... so the options are 1: ask his mother who she would want to bring and tell her that i can only have around 25...and then be pissed when she a) doesn't respond or b) says no one OR 2: not ask her her opinion. only ask the main ppl in aaron's family not including extended family who probably wouldn't show anyway...deal with their random ish about not being invited and move on with life i don't think i'm going to ask MIL. I think i'm going to go through aaron with any questions or concerns i have as she has yet to tell me anything. i'm over it. my kid...my rules. the main thing i want aaron to tell her is i don't want 2 baby showers. the point was the bring the whole group together to get to know each other and she shot that one out of the sky. well fuck it. i'm inviting my friends...its my baby shower...and if you're family isn't invited its because i don't consider them friends or family... i just want to get it all over with. i usually just avoid having parties to not offend ppl. well i'm over that option. i've been offended. i bought a bassinet. i think this is all a part of nesting. i can't stop buying things that i think are necessary. i just swear no one is going to get the things that i think are essential..so i just keep getting it. one of my coworkers (Morgen) who also cloth diapers (CD) has given me tons of hints and tricks. she told me to check out craigslist...which i used to do for everything else...but now i'm doing it for this. found an arms reach baby bassinet for $60 already assembled and in pristine condition. i bought it immediately. def. don't have room for it at the moment...but i'll figure something out. i'm just happy i have it. so for now: Crib - CHECK Bassinet - CHECK Stroller and car seat - CHECK CHECK and starting on a CD collection... on a different note - i watched Eat Pray Love this weekend. I started watching it while waiting for aaron and finished watching it while he played video games. i had already figured out the point of the movie within the first 20 minutes...and told him what i figured the point was. a woman leaving a divorce and trying to find herself...but quickly realizing that since the age of 13 has lost herself complete within the ppl she dates. its a story of finding yourself and keeping yourself in and out of relationships the final point being the idea of a soul mate - someone who is the opposite of you in every way...who can stop and make you think about the world in a different way
"...A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything thats holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever. Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."
I've heard that quote before. I read it about a year ago in a blog that a woman wrote about my BF. it had broken my heart to think that anyone could consider him their soul mate or that he could consider them as such. i watched the movie to prove to myself that they were wrong...i didn't find what they did in the story. i didn't find that moment of clarification. the moment that hit me hardest was a moment near the end of the movie
"I don't need to love you to prove that I love myself."
I remember that moment. I remember when I said something similar to Aaron. It had hurt him and I hadn't meant for it to. I just had needed to find myself, much as Liz had. I needed to run away from the life that I kept getting stuck in to find out who I was and where I was going. did I find a soul mate along the way. no...i don't think so. i think there has always been a person who shakes up how i see the world. a couple of ppl that ride in as a cavalry when even i fall down and shake things up and show my how things are supposed to be. or how things should never be. and after everything got knocked upside down i realized that i could love myself without him. i could love myself just has hard with him... do i think that they weer soul mates. it would still break my heart too much to say so. personally...no...i don't think so. i think that they both dove head first into something to hide from who they were or where they were going. but i can't fault them for that. i've done that. i've said before that everyone learns lessons differently. and there are moments where i am sorry that i jumped in and someone was hurt. i apologize for that almost daily...it wasn't my intention. i feel a lot like Liz in the beginning when she realized she didn't want to be married after all...and she left and apologized. and there was a moment where it all became clear again "But I love him" "So love him" "But I miss him" "So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll be really alone and Liz is scared to death of what will happen if she' s really alone. But here's what you gotta understand....If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and full you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go" "But I wish me and David could - " He cuts me off, " See , now that's your problem. You're wishin too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." I wish i'd found this book when i was alone and scared...it would have meant a lot to me...and maybe it would have helped some too. the movie...not so much. as in all american flicks...in the end she finds some beautiful foreign man who will love her more than she'll need to love him and she sails into the sunset...totally throwing away everythign we learned in the last 2 hours. the food scene were pretty sexy though

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