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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

i'm that girl

so I have a secret: I'm in love...

awkward enough i know...what makes it worse is i've never met the guy. I've never been one to have celebrity crushes, but here I am with my first (and hopefully last) celebrity infatuation. (not counting my elementary crush on Leonardo DiCaprio...but lets be serious who didn't love him in the late 90's?)

anyway. I am 23 years old and here I am without even an excuse for the crush. but what makes it worse is its not even sexual (don't get me wrong it could be...) but its really intellectual. I mean I want to curl up in a corner with him, sipping tea with lemon and just banter. I want to trade letters and words, and see what he thinks when I say this and find something clever to say when he says that. I want to listen to his explanations to his ideas. I want to see his passion born. I want to be the fly on the wall while he comes up with the lyrics that somehow speak to me...

ewww...i'm that girl.

so its almost new years and the plans have been made and he's coming to town. for the 3rd time to be in fact. (well to be accurate he didn't show the first time). Anyway each time i've somehow been unable to be in attendance to his concerts until now. Now I know that nothing is going to come of this. I know there are three thousand ppl who will be there...but that hasn't stopped my over active imagination to creating this ideal situation where he sees me and i become his muse. His ideal. love at first site...like the first time i heard him and i didn't even know who he was...

but hey a girl is allowed to dream right?

so i'll just continue from chapter 10 of my day dream where we're currently vacationing in our villa in the south of france. I think his mother's coming to visit and I have a lasagna warming in the oven...its so warm out today. I've always loved visiting here...the sound of the shore... the humming of the waves...his senseless chatter while he plans his summer tour in the states...

sometimes its only acceptable to delve into your daydreams

Dear 2009, good try but you lost...i made it

I've been thinking of new years resolution. My friend Roses posted his on facebook...as usual it was an essay of sorts explaining his past achievements and naming his future goals. He used to be more subtle and poetic- he says he's grown up...i think he's lost the love of words and its a little sad to know that that could happen.

so all day long i've been trying to figure out what my resolution is and i think i've figured it out. Its not to go to the gym everyday - even though i could lose those 20 pounds that i've been putting off for years and i know i won't carry it out anyway.

its not to get into school even though i've been applying and really hoping that i will. its not even to get straight A's - even though I have done that in the past and would be absolutely amazing.

its to stand up for myself.

bland i know...but its that one thing that i always forget to do. i work so hard to make everyone else happy that i don't stop to think about myself....and call it selfish - fine...but its about time that i try something for me.

in the words of my coworker "keep it movin." If you're not around to help me succeed you can move right on...because i don't have time for it

Monday, December 28, 2009

black men?

so I'm a religious follower of Mediatakeout.com - I accept my flaws and my addictions...hopefully one day i'll be able to get past them...

anyway this was up there today.

there were hundreds of comments with people saying that this was a lie. I hope it is- but numbers don't lie.

at one point Steve Harvey said "you don't have to settle, but maybe you should compromise." but isn't a compromise simply another word for settling. I'm not saying that there's no one out there or that all black men aren't reaching their maximum potential - i'm simply saying that with so many black women working so hard to reach a certain level that once they reach it the chances of finding a black men with equal or greater achievements are slim.

hopefully this is just an over exaggeration.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

when the truth isn't enough

have you ever talked to someone and known they were lying? I was talking to an old friend the other day. We haven't really hung out since she graduated...no thats not true. since she stopped dating efron who was my year. so its been like a good year since we've actually genuinely hung out.

there were three of us who were inseparable. Jemar- me - Ashley...occasionally Quagmire but rarely. they were all seniors and i was the sophomore in the crowd. i met Jemar because we were both Resident Assistants and since my school only has about 50 black ppl out of 1500 students and at the time 5 black RAs we quickly became friends. it was an awkward relationship - he had a gf who had recently graduated and wasn't really used to being without a female companion- i had recently broken up with my freshmen bf. Quag came along with the deal (to this day we're not quite sure how or why those two are friends). Ashley somehow joined in sometime in december. Jemar was trying to sleep with her- it never panned out to my knowledge- but she just joined the circle and never left. we went to all the same parties, hung out with all of the same people and when they graduated we all said goodbye and i was left at McDaniel alone without my Porthos or Aramis.

Jemar ended up moving down the street from where i live now. Dating a girl on and off who hated me on site. we haven't really spoken since a drunken night where he explained that thing should have ended differently between the two of us and then proceeded to hide behind trees while walking me to my car- afraid that his then off again gf would see us.

i told him i've never really been interested on weak men

Ashley lives in baltimore. still fiends with my ex. she randomly hit me up the other day about new years. she heard Trey Songz and Drake were coming into town and wanted to go out - absolutely no problem since I have recently entered my club years loong after the rest of my friend have left theirs behind. we made plans - called friends - bought outfits...and she flaked out

literally a minute ago

he grandfather is coming into town.

for a day

from 6pm till 9am on the 1st

its a lie and we both know it

but why ruin a perfectly awkward friendship by telling the truth.

i guess i could just stay in...or call in a favor with Isata and beg her to come out....

Saturday, December 26, 2009

open and available

we've spoiled my niece to the point that she refuses to sleep anywhere but in someone's arms. If she were to wake up in one of the thousands of bids, swings or bouncers, that we searched and purchased in the appointed colors of pink rose and chocolate, she'd flip out...FLIP...like pure nonsense for hours on end...
after twenty-three years of being a predominately tummy sleeper - i have somehow learned how to sleep perfectly still on my back, because i know that
at somepoint in the night one of the three other ppl in my house appointed to entertain her highness will deposit a sleeping child into my arms. even in a deep sleep i've learned to rock a child back to sleep

how something only 8 pounds and 21 inches has learned to control an entire house...i'll never know

so i'm trying to figure out what to do for new years. DC is full of options and opportunities- the only problem is clubbing in dc means hanging out with the over excited hoards of college students. Don't get me wrong, i was one of them a few months ago...but there is a large maturity gap between 18 and 23 and i'm worried that the best places are going to open the doors for the ragingly hormonal. Last time I went to LOVE I almost killed someone who was too busy trying to get into some 18 year old in lace leggings and t-shirt that i pushed the wrong person who spilled a drink on me...who expected me to buy HIM another one.

of course the time before that (the wayne after party) my now ex showed up and threw someone down the stairs for getting a little too close...i'll save that story for another time...

I'd go to the usual Jamaican spot- 24
- but the fact that ppl are starting to recognize me and going usually means having my sister's fiance watching every move I make...i'm thinking new years might not be a good time to have a baby sitter...

We've got the 1st of January planned already.
just the 31st is open and available.

but we'll find something.......we always do

Thursday, December 24, 2009

"its like starting at square one all over again"

my brother came over the other day. its rare that he actually stays - rather he comes and stays just on the edge of the bubble as to not disrupt the delicate balance that is the two families he floats between.

i think he stays in school to avoid choosing who's house he's actually going to live in.

he came over and brought his ex-girlfriend - who i love as long as they're not dating. she has so much power and control and independence on her own, but when they're together she dumbs herself down to protect my brothers fragile ego. i think everyone does that for Trevor - except for me.

anyway he came over and stayed just long enough to make things uncomfortable for the rest of us. the last we saw of him were his speeding tail lights when he heard a snow storm was coming- his final words "i don't feel like sleeping on the couch - and i'm not shoveling in the morning..."

so it was up to us in the morning- the first day the baby was home- to dig her boyfriends car out of the snow. to hike to the store for milk.

trevor helped dig out my father's new wife

lets just say that's a sore subject to my mother

i digress. he came over with Adi- the sweetest girl i've ever met and she asked me about aaron
a -"are you still with that guy"
me - "nope"
a - "awww...i'm sorry"
me -"i'm not..."
::awkward silence::
me - "its just that i woke up one day and realized it just wasn't worth it....being unhappy. i was just working so hard that i realized i can be just as unhappy without him - and not even work as hard. i can be happy alone..."

i guess my life lessons always happen in public.

its those moments when you have to figure out how you feel .... in words.

but enough about him - back to my family. its christmas eve and my sister is still dealing with the after effects of giving birth. she just closed on her house with her boyfriend. i'm proud of her. i envy her freedom to leave - but not he constraints of a relationship.

i think school has always been my escape. now i'm home and i can't quite figure out what to do now.

but for once i'm not upset about it...i'm kind of excited to see what's going to happen next.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

for roses

My mother has a way with words
spoken softly
matter-of-fact -ly
as if her lyrics are well known
rather than thoughts
and ideas
She sets them up across a page
like a dance
____________________in its
to show
the story she’s trying to tell

My sister poems
come out like songs
With colors as emotions
Each thought and meaning
things to
_____“why must I be
__________so black and blue”
like a negativity to
stretch ability
all in search of stability
in a ___ blue_____ green_____ aquamarine
swirling world
of chaos

I didn’t inherit their way with words

From poet to poet
__I don’t know if
I’m a poet.
___or simply a journal -ist
whose words sometimes __________ fit

I admire your skill
Much like that homeboy
_____(That phone boy)
who sketches his poetry into art
_____his guns are pencils
_____ his bullets paint
his dreams and prayers covered those walls
__________where I sat.
You remind me of him…

I’m not looking for love
But I do appeal for this
A single application
____for a friend
If you don’t apply
nothing lost, nothing gained
But the thought
That is all.

That beneath the millions stars
there are two that understand
the friendship
written between the lines
__________of text

Monday, December 21, 2009

i hate the snow

I stayed home from work today...mainly for two different reasons:

1) my neighborhood had yet to be shoveled and what had been shoveled turned into ice
2) the neighbors who did shovel decided that the best place to deposit the snow was behind my car...

but on a better note i got to spend the day with my beautiful niece...

Christmas is gonna be rather short this year...but oh well.

I'm actually kind of excited that this is my first single christmas in years...that'll save a nice sum of money (that I'll probably end up spending on anneliese).

Work again tomorrow...which means waking up at 6 to shovel all the snow off of and around the car.

if i don't get to update soon- Merry Christmas and Happy New year

stay warm

"you will pass a difficult test that will make you happier" fortune cookie

My niece was born last week and she put a lot of things in perspective

I learned that I don't need you to love me

I don't need you to be here

I can have love with out you...

how did i ever live without you? how did i live for so long with you?

I'm taking every day at a time. learning to move on....taking steps to not need you. I guess i've just used to this addiction. i'm not used to not speaking to you

but things aren't the same anymore.

and you keep saying how things just changed so quickly...but they didn't...they have been changing for years

I just learned to stand up for myself

and after seeing her little face i realized i could stand up for her...theres so little i wouldn't do for her

and if she was in my position...i would tell her to leave

so i left

and i know that there's so much more for me out there.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

i...bum bum...want...bum bum...more..

I want more than this...i want more than you. i'm tried of pretending to be less so that you feel like you're more. its not fair to either of us.

how daire you tell me how i feel...tell me what i'll say...tell me what will happen in the future

i still can't get over the fact that you for mad at me over what you think might happen in the future. how is that fair...when i have yet to get mad at you for what you've already done.

i saw a play once. it was called earthquake. it only played for one night at school. it was about a girl trying to find herself in all the wrong places...in all the wrong men...she met one. thought he was the one and changed herself to make sure it stayed that way
but he broke it off
he told her he heard her
heard her heart last night while she was sleeping

it said..."...i...bum.bum...want...bum.bum...more"

i never forgot that play

or those words

and i don't want to tell him thats how i feel

but he asked me yesterday if he ever thinks that he's not the one. i told me i never thought that...

but is it worth it if he is...if this is how i feel after it all

i could find someone and be happy.

and maybe be less...but in the end

maybe it would make me more...


i want...

to be...


Tuesday, November 24, 2009


I told my friend and coworker that I was applying for a new job and told her about it. Later that day she decided to apply and i helped her fix up her resume and cover letter. We both interviewed, I was called back immediately to tell me how wonderful everything went...she was emailed a week later thanking her for her interview.

she just got the job...

because i'm over qualified and they dont want to have to pay me more

...we have the same qualifications...


Friday, November 20, 2009

I wonder if you knew how much loving you hurts

This probably should have been my first post, but I was too frustrated with my day to be social...

Greetings to all. I'm new to blogspots, but not new to blogging. Just thought it was time to get back in the groove of things. Maybe if I let out some thoughts here I'll be able to keep my mouth closed a little more out in public.

Lets get you up to speed. I'm 23 years old living near enough to the nations capital to claim it as my own, ( and anyone from this area knows that they consists of about 3 different states that no one near here even know about.) My sister is weeks from spawning...we're on the count down to welcoming the newest member of the clan. My mother is starting to date. My brother - the perpetual student - is, obviously, still in school getting her second masters. I haven't seen my father in years (minus the random sighting at my college graduation)...so I probably aught to say I haven't spoken to him in years, is married with a new born...but thats a story for another time all together.

I'm currently in that strange middle ground between college and the real world. I just haven't quite decided what the real world entails as of yet.

maybe i'll just go back to school...

I'm working as a receptionist as a doctors office...which is the expected bitch work...but being over qualified for the position makes me a threat...which some how makes me the office threat...its nice to be hated as a profession...

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years...yet another middle ground. we're constantly in this position... we just haven't figured out which level we're going to end up on...

I probably ought to get back to writing my personal statement yet i really haven't decided if law is where i'm supposed to end up...

its hard to feel motivated for a future you're really not ready to meet.

but i guess i'll go back to the real world and post again when i have a story to tell

"This isn't my life...this is a pay check"

Another long day in the cage we call in office surrounded by nonsense. I wonder how many altercations someone can get into before they snap and kill someone. Just saying....I understand my job is the lowest of the totem pole, but lets be fair...or at least decent.

So the doctor has continued to live around he pay check Ms. Joi de Vivre is still "secretly" in love with him and the two managers are still sneaking for joint bathroom breaks.

sometimes I feel like I'm living in a sitcom...i just can't spot the cameras...