Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dear Napolean

I always thought Deoboed was a word and not just a cultural expression

until I said it to an old coworker when I was at school and she had no idea what I was talking about...I don't know if i should feel ashamed that I used the phrase or that she had never seen the Friday series...maybe she just needs to get out more.

I've been talking to an old friend a lot recently. been thinking about him a lot too. But I'm not sure if I'm falling for who he is now or i never let go of who he used to be.

He used to write me poems. Beautiful lyrics that danced across my heart, but i was too afraid to do anything about it.

he doesn't write them anymore

but i catch myself going through old email accounts and rereading what he thought of me or what he thought about...and i miss what i could have had if i wasn't so afraid of letting in and letting go.

i can't ask him to be someone he's not, just as I can't be who i let go of as well...we'll see what happens from this point. He's thousands of miles away and when he comes to visit i wonder if i'll be nervous.

the butterflies in the stomach nervous...or i'm your biggest fan nervous...or when you look at me do you see who i used to be nervous...or don't judge me on my mistake...but love me for who i can be for you...with you...all about you if you let me kind of nervous.

i'd hate for him to be disappointed

i'd hate to be too late.

i'd hate if this turned out like all the others turned out...because in my mind he's been on that pedestal for years...i just never let him know until now.

Let me be your Josephine.
and i will call you Bonaparte.
we will rule the world, but just own a part

and share it only with each other

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

just thinking out loud

I loved a man once.
a thousand years ago i loved him.

He loved me too

a hundred years too late.
I was gone
light years away by then,
I don’t feel bad now and again

thinking of him

Or how I was able to let go

Monday, March 29, 2010

introducing the new girl in town

i got a new job recently.

i real job

a real grown up job...

and i'm kind of sad to realize that i'm not really a kid anymore...

i love my job, don't get me wrong...how could i not like a job that enables me to update my blog during work hours and leave 2 hours before anyone else.

i really have nothing to complain about

or maybe i can complain of the down time that allows me to think about everything that I have lost on the way of finding myself here. Its no one's fault, but mother nature and the endless ticking of time that has forced my eyes to open and my heart to grow and my feet to walk away on their own accord until one day i woke up miles away from where i started.

on quiet mornings like today I miss where i used to be.

the security of naivety that allowed me to close my eyes and only see what i wanted to see

i see it all now

and i can't be mad that you turned out to be exactly who you told me you were...rather than who i had tried to make you

that was my own fault

but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

lets change subjects. I'm enjoying my life at the moment. the endless parties and social gatherings that make up a 20-something in/or around DC. Its amazing to walk into a club an the center of a universe for a night. I can shed my layers of insecurities that i'm usually so wrapped in become HoLlYwOoD as I've been affectionately named by the group of men who have tried unsuccessfully to make me there's.

I don't want to be anyones right now.

Mango and I have made a name for ourselves by doing nothing but be who we are...and after being in relationships where we have been shaped into everything but that its nice to be appreciated for not even trying to be original....we simply are...

i think i'll give the clubs a break for a little bit.

Half the fun of being the ingenues is the mystery behind it...can't let them think they have you before you're ready...

lets see how long this lasts