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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Aaron forgave me today....

i must really be horrible at communication if he thout at any moment i was apologizing for something.

He forgave me for everything that he resented me for. however he never gave me an examples of what he resented me for.

This whole conversation came out when he started asking me when i get out of class and if i wanted to get something to eat. when i asked why he said we needed to talk....about what?

"Honestyle about what the issue of everything. I didn't know what it was between me and u but I know now. And maybe u do to but u think I'm against u and every time we talk we don't get the answers we really want."

"I forgive u for everything"

umm what? the last time i spoke to him he was going off on me about hwo i need to get over my issued with his mother....but now you want to go to eat and you forgive me.

i said ok....i guess sometimes i can't help being rude.

he that i brushed it off like i don't care. "Maybe u should learnto forgive."

"maybe you should learn to apologize."

"i'm sorry I ruined your life. OSrry I let you down. Sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me"


"That's it?"

"What do you want?" You want a clean slate? You want to be cleansed of your sins?
Thank you for realizing your actions have consequences.
but no. I don't forgive you. I don't have to"

thats when he said i think i'm perfect. that i only care about myself....all of this while he's sending things from his new cellphone...on his break at work. from his new life. in his new home....while i'm 25 and married and alone....

nope i don't care about you hurting...i guess not...i guess looking at your vacation pictures. and hearing your holiday stories from your cousins...and listening to your excuses once a month...and suddenly you forgive me.

thank you. thank you for your forgiveness. i feel complete now. thank you...i can now continue on with my life in knowing that you have forgiven me...

he then asked me to tell him that i odn't love him....because he can't go on thinking that i do.

i won't give you that. that release from your guilt. i won't lie for you to feel better at night.

does that make me a horrible person to not know how to not love you?...

no one explained that in that fine line between love and hate...you can still love that person....i think thats what makes i hurt even more in the end...the not knowing how....to.........let............go............

Monday, July 9, 2012

my husbands gone.

i don't know if that's even a true statement since thinking back on the entire situation i don't know if he was ever really here to begin with.

my husbands gone.

maybe if i jut keep saying it something will click.

my husbands gone

and it feels like my best friend died. or my confidant. or my arch enemy moved in next door and keeps stealing my parking place.

my husbands gone

and sometimes i wake up in the morning and think that this is just one big joke. one long nightmare. i'll wake up a year ago. 2 years ago. 3 years ago......4 years ago and none of this would have happened and we'll just be....

my husbands gone....

and i don't know which is worse - that he's gone or that he's still here...and i have to look at him and speak to him and realize that at some point in the lasy year he turned into someone that i want no part in.

my husbands gone...........

and it feels like the world has stopped spinning sometimes.
like everything is backwards. and up is down. and right is wrong. and no one realizes how much it hurts just to wake up every morning and keep going....

my husbands gone.

i wonder if ppl know it just by looking at me. i wonder if you stand close enough you can hear my heart breaking. i wonder if pain radiates off a person like heat.

i wonder if he even hurts like this....

my husband gone................and if you looked at him you'd never know the last 2 years ever happened
So I haven't posted in a while. A lot happened and I couldn't seem to put them into words let alone find the time to post about it.

I'm back at work now. Its a bittersweet situation. Its nice to be around adults. to have adult conversations. To be here....doing something productive...but I'd much prefer to be at home with Solana. Its hard to be away from her. and by the time I do see her I'm exhausted. My littl ebit of bonding time is usualy spent sleeping...or trying to sleep.

Life is getting back into order. its not where I thought i'd be its. it no where near where i expected to be...but i'm not surprised i'm here. I'm also not upset about it anymore...ok maybe today i'm upset. only because i got a total of 4 hours to sleep in two nights. dressed myself and baby alone. rushed out of the house. hshared a car with my mother. dropped her off at daycare and known that i was imposing on my mother for additional support

i shouldn't have to do that

i shouldn't have to do this alone

my mother shouldn't have to help so much

its just where i some how ended up.

it was time for a change. and i feel it in the air. that there is more change to come. that this isn't the end of it...but just the beginning. i think more big changes are on the way and i'm not upset about that. i know that they're all for goo din the long run. they'll all help me get to where we need to be.

we deserve so much more than we have here. and i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that my daughter has the future...the life...that she deserves.

i think the nest 25 year years are going to go a log smoother for me. a lot happened in 2011. a lot will be fixed in 2012. a lot will be accomplished.

i just have to be ready to take hold... written 1/27/2011 - one day i'll actually post when i'm done