Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

i wish you'd listen

Christeenna had a situation this past week. She got me up to date on saturday, sitting in the bleachers during the football game where we usually complain about relationships and misunderstandings and the newest en-dits that goes on within the mutli layer/multi tiered organization that makes up their extended family unit...

Christeenna has had an on again off again relationship with the bad boy next door that has been affectionaly nicknamed "Long-Hair-Don't-Care" and now that he's finally buzzed off the greasy strands she was so enthralled with "Short-Hair-In-Jail" or simply "The Lesbian" as her brother states...

I'm not a big fan of him.

there are a thousand reasons why...but this blog is no where near private enough to disclose all of that information. however i'm sure you could google his name and just read the court cases yourself.

its all public record...

anyway...he has a girlfriend. A fact he forgot to disclose to Scoob (christeenna), but rather she found out from his facebook when a new relationship status popped up. he even went so far as to tell her that he never planned on telling her the information.

have i mentioned that i don't like this kid?

Anyway so "S-H-I-J" has been calling nonstop. as expected. she blocked his number, so he started calling from another. when he found himself in a situation where he was only allowed one phone call (please follow me here...i'm trying not to type it out) he called her first. it just keeps happening this way.

she told me this weekend that she made the mistake of calling him back though. he said he needed help on the placement tests for school. He said he needed help registering for classes and scoob met him on campus and helped him go through the steps. this lead to talking again and calling and the same old stories that we should all be used to...

then she called him back and she answered....

things quickly went down hill. flew down hill. plummeted off a cliff if it were...

scoob laughed when the girl cussed at her. laughed in her face.

I don't think she was expected it when he sided with the other girl and not her. He called back and told scoob that he thought she knew he was still dating her...that scoob needed to be nicer.

scoob told him not to call anymore.

she told me that she wished she's come over. that the girl would cross over the side walk into her yard so that she could tell her about herself. i told her not to. its pointless...it'll happen eventually. you know when things are already in the works. the world is too small a place and their neighborhood too small in general for them not to meet on the same side of the pavement.

i tried to tell her the girls point of view. i tried to explain to her how she probably felt. what he's probably said. how it probably hurts to hear about her all the time.

Luz shook her head and said "holly. you and christeenna are on the same side in this...don't stand up for her..."

but we weren't. and i wouldn't. because i didn't feel like that was the side i was meant to be on.

and that night when scoob told her brother. laughing about how this girl was stalking her and knew everything about her and how she wished she could meet her in the street there i was again trying to tell her...to explain. but it was pointless.

"she's not the enemy christeenna...and neither are you...not in this situation..."

i wish she would listen to me sometimes. that i was a credible enough source that she would hear me when i give advice. when i tell her not to follow in my footsteps. when we write down pros and cons.

i've never seen her cry. but i've seen her eyes after these tings have happened. i've seen her laugh to save face. and i've seen her pick up the pieces of her heart just to hold them out again to be slapped away.

i want more for her than what i want for myself...

and she just wants to be loved.

i see myself in her eyes...

and it hurts...

Monday, August 30, 2010


I'm really starting to look forward to september...because August has been the month from hell for me. a roller coaster of ups and downs and sideways where i'm never quite sure which way is up and which way is just...wrong...

i used to say that Septembers were the months i hate the most...or decembers. I'm just quite sure why septembers rarely work out for me...december is just filled with memories i'd rather leave there unopened beneath the christmas tree and just push them back into a corner is search for january and new beginnings.

august however seems to be the time for next beginnings for me. or old endings. or faded memories and new ideas...that all compile into dramatic moments that can't be remade in movies or blog entries or tweets.

it just seems like a lot of.....something.....that never really lets go until the month is over

or the year

or the phase that i seem to get stuck in around this time.

he asked me what my biggest fear was. on saturday. amid a fight bigger than one we've ever gotten into...but smaller in concept that anything thats ever really mattered.

you know those moments when you've gone too far. you know those moments when you're in the wrong...and you know those moments you're too afraid to do anything...even cry...because weakness won't prove anything...and neither will pain.

he asked me what my biggest fear was.

and i told him it was becoming my mother.

they are words that i've thought. words that i might have written down. but i never heard my own voice say them. i heard the sob in the chest before my ears could. to know that i knew what scared me most.

he told me you can't live in fear.

i said she had no idea. she never saw it coming...she thought everything was fine until the day everything fell apart. when he left the email open on the computer and she saw all of her dreams burn apart...and maybe thats why i always look...because i'd rather have warning in the end. to show up at the game knowing what the score is.

he compared us. he does that more than i like. more than i can possibly say. that he never fought with her the way he fights with me and he thought things would be different this time around.

i asked him why he stays

he looked at me. i don't know. maybe i'm a crazy....

...or maybe i don't want you to hurt the way that i did...

i told him to just tell me what he wants. i'll go if he tells me to go...but he has to say it.

he said he wouldn't say what he didn't believe. he wants me...but me without the fear and with the trust...how things used to be.

and i cried.

i told him not to paint me as the villain alone. i've never taken away he choices. i told him what i did not want. what i didn't like...and gave him the choice to stop or not....she didn't. she just took the option away to prevent it from happening.

he didn't say anything then.

he said he didn't believe i loved him, but rather than i didn't want him to be with her.

i asked him why i would put myself through this if i didn't love him...

(i don't like pain that much...)

we sat their quietly arguing in his living room till he suddenly stood up and told me he thought i should go upstairs.

i told him to make a decision. the door opened right after that. i fled. i know his family too well than to pretend a smile with tears in my eyes.

we do this too often.

these fights. these arguments.

i had breakfast with mango right in time. to be able to talk to someone who's stood in my shoes. she has she knows what i'm going to say before i say it. her relationship with erlin. their breakup. his jennifer. and she came back...she said that the girls never leave. she just shrugged. "not until they do something that makes them never want to go back to them..."

i reminded her of myrtle beach. laying on the sand at sunset and i had asked her "do you think you're just going to end up with erlin at the end of this" she looked stung that i asked and i tried to fix the statement so it didn't sound as judgmental as she assumed, " i mean like...at the end of the day when you think of it all do you think that he's probably going to be the one that you marry. the one you have kids with...regardless of all of this."

she swore she would never. she said that she couldnt...and she flipped the story back to me...

i gave examples why i couldn't. why i wouldn't. how it could never/ would never/ simply had to not happen...

the next time we spoke i told her i was talking to aaron. she laughed. she said she was back with erlin. she said "holly i knew you were put in my life for a reason. the first time you walked into the office and we started talking about relationships i knew you were put there for a reason...."

i don't know if its positive or negative. as soon as we stopped working together we went back to what we knew in our hearts was where we'd be.

and the little lessons she told me and i refused to listen to come back some times. late at night...

"guys are going to cheat, holly. let it go. they're going to because they can and they can get away with it. it all comes down to how much you can take. and if its enough to know that at the end of the day he's going to come back to you."

i told her i would never settle for that. I would never allow that.

and now i catch myself thinking...maybe...maybe i would. maybe i would turn a blind eye...because knowing what life is like without you hurts more than knowing about this...

maybe...maybe that is what life really is.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

i won't fight fair

"When I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one

to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark - on both of you. I

'm not sure that those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either

of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness,

but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."

- Edward Cullen Eclipse, Chapter 24 pg. 534

I've been starting and closing this blog all morning. Its not just because i've been busy, but also because i can't seem to figure out what i want to say or how to say it.

i was compared to Edward Cullen last night. It actually led to a playful argument as to if i really deserved the title over that of Jacob. I mean really who wants to be the controlling vampire when you can be the easy going and lovable werewolf.

Aaron laughed about the entire situation...being a bit more comfortable with everything than i was. he reminded me of when i gave him the same name. i never remember saying it...he remember its like it was yesterday. the funny thing about aaron is he remember everything...he cane quote an entire story that i told him in passing to fill the silence 3 years ago that i never remembered telling him. i don't doubt that i said it...i'm just surprised that i did.

He told me i said it before i left. he remember its. me telling him that he was my edward and then getting out of the car. he said it was one of the last times he saw me.

he asked me..."if i'm your edward...than who is your jacob"

I wish i could remember when i said that. i wish it was crystallize din my memory like it was in his. i wish i could go back to that moment and change it.

those are words i would never want to hear...i can't believe that he had to.

its moments like this that i cant seem to remember my anger. i was so mad 4 months ago. 6 months ago. a year ago at this time. i was hurt, and bruised and angry...i wanted to punish him for everything he put me through for years and all he did was want to love me and i couldn't see it through the pain.

he would cry and i would be mad that he was even imply that he was hurting after i cried for him for so long. his tears were like salt in my wounds and i couldn't get away fast enough to save us both from the pain of it.

it was months of the two of us shouting at each other at night. yelling when we were apart just to cry when we were together...because we couldn't figure out a way to get back to how things were without giving up who we were and who we wanted to be to get there.

and everytime i turned around i would find someone pushing into my place in his heart until one day i just walked away and let him have them.

he told me he never wanted them....

but i just couldn't fight for him to love me anymore...

i know we can't just go back to how things were before. we can't pretend like time didn't pass...and i know we are both here with out eyes open and our hearts in our hands...neither willing to fall the way we had fallen before.

i won't say i gave ultimatums. he swore i did...i told him that in his mind he has created an image of me from someone else's memories...i just simply told him that i won't go back to how things were before. i won't wait 2 years to find out that i'm wasting my time. so maybe its good that we're simply taking everything one day at a time...i told him to tell me if he wanted to go...i've told him that before.

he said his ex wants to still be in his life. i asked him what that meant. not in a mean way- like a choose between her or me kind of way...but simply trying to understand what it meant to bring her into the dynamic. he shrugged. not really knowing what answer to say...

thats when i got mean. "so does that mean we're all going to hang out? go to the movie? cuddle?"

he looked at me and smiled. sly as always. i hit him for that...lol....only he can turn it into a joke.

i can't blame him for having her. for having needed her. for still caring for her after everything. she was here when he needed her here and i am thankful that she was...and bitter all at the same time.

I never really explained where all of this came from. Aaron returned a phone call yesterday...or a couple. or who knows...

and in an explanation it all turned into this.

that he'll end up with me...because i'm edward...to his bella...and her jacob

and i guess this is all an eclipse.

and it got me thinking back to reading those books. and i always read them rooting for Jacob. hoping that he would win out in the end. this was the first time i read hoping for edward...

the first time i saw myself in his character. the first time i saw it as my story...and i hoped that love...that impossible love that never should have existed was stronger than the soul mate she was born to have.

and it hurt to think of someone else as jacob.

and it hurt to think of myself as anything other than him...

and it made me rethink a lot of things.

and then he rolled over...and wrapped his arms around me...tucking my chin into his chest and kissing my forward and simply said "stay...

...i just want to hold you..."

and as always that was enough for me...

i'm sorry...i'm sorry for the entire situation...but not for the outcome. and i feel like edward in the since that i won't fight fair to keep him this time. i know what its like to be without him and i know that if feels better this way. i won't let this happen again if i can't help it...i won't let go this time...not until he tells me that there is nothing left to hold on to...

"You know Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies
and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence,
i might actually like you"
-Edward Cullen Eclipse Chapter 22 pg. 502

Monday, August 23, 2010

i think summing up my weekend will take more than 140 characters

this past weekend was crazy. not in the usual overly exaggerated crazy that i usually blog about...but in an expected kind of crazy. like an -i-knew-this-was-coming-just-surprised-it-came-so-soon kind of crazy.

i had a dream. i think it was friday night. it was one of those dreams where you know you're dreaming...but you're just conscious enough to make changes- to notice changes- like what color i was wearing and that i knew i didn't own something like that- and that i know i'd never been here...but i seemed to know where here was...

i was at a housewarming party for one of aaron's friends. I knew where we weer but it didn't look anything like what i knew it looked like. his ex girlfriend was there and even before i saw here i knew that she was there.

we spoke in my dream...over a punch bowl which i thought was odd. not that we spoke, but the fact that there was a punch bowl at all at a man's apartment. She said "this is awkward" I agreed...then she asked me if it bothered me...to be somewhere "where no one likes you."

"no. it probably would if i had to see you more often...."

and i woke up. that was it. I told aaron about that later. how weird it was...after he told me about the party that we were invited to.

i knew it was a set up. there was no way it couldn't be...

they called to invite him on the way back from the football game. the entire family was in the car and thought it seemed a little fishy. the comments. the silence. the one sided conversation.

i waited until he said something. until he told me once we got home that there was a party going on. that we were invited, but we weren't going to go. i asked him why. i asked who was invited...already knowing the answer...but wanting to know for sure.

he said he didn't want it to be awkward. I told him it wouldn't be awkward from my point of view.

"of course because you got me in the end"

i just looked at him and didn't say anything

"its going to happen eventually. there's no way it won't...i just want some warning before it happens. i'd rather get it over with..."

he thought about. got dressed and ready and then changed his mind 5 times before we left. He got 10-12 phone calls and text messages. "come" and "don't come" and finally we ended up on our way.

we talked to fill the silence for the entire 15 minute ride. He asked me if i was going to behave. i told him i wasn't going to say a word. that nothing was going to happen and to relax.

it was awkward of course. it was meant to be. his friends made it worse...but drunken men tend to do that.

there was never a moment of silence...but at the same time i can't seem to remember anything that was said.

something about UNO. Something about Nicole. Have I met Rodman? do i want something to drink? It felt like Wade said my name 100 times during the 15 minutes we were there. It felt like my name was the only one being said.

and she was there. I knew she would be.

we stayed until it was clear we were no longer welcome. wade said he was tired and so we left. Richard left too. the drive home was quiet. filled with questions of why. why did it even happen and why did it seem the way it did and why would his friends try to create something that obviously wasn't

we talked through out the night until one or both of us fell asleep...and until the phone starting ringing at 5. it rang for the rest of the night. over and over until he turned it off and left it off until after church and the mall and the movies the next day.

he didn't know the number he said. i trust him simply because there's nothing else i can do about it.

i told him that eventually he was to going to have to pick up.

he said he didn't know what to do.

i didn't pick up all day. or not while i was there anyway. he told me when he dropped me off that he was probably going to pick up if she called again that night.

i said ok. simply ok...

and not to be different next time i saw him.

that i was afraid only because she has a way of making him think that i'm someone that i'm not...

but i had told him to call her before. i set myself up in that way. that if he wants to be with her than to go...but i'm not following my own footsteps and ending up where i was a year ago at this time.

i told him i couldn't share him. that i didn't know how...

so he called. i'm sure he did. and i'm just waiting now to see what happens from this point forward.

i guess i just have to trust that what is meant to happen will happen....and just hold on for the ride...

i just wish i could skip to the last page of this story
and know how it all
turns out

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


if you're reading this

i'm sorry

i'm sorry you're hurting. i'm sorry you're in pain. i'm sorry that in some way i was the cause of it.

i tried to give him a way out...

and we come full circle

you can learn a lot about someone by reading their diary.

thats not a new lesson...but rather one that is come back from the memories of trevor and i sneaking into meghan's room at night to peak into her secret correspondence. the love letters between her and the boyfriend she was forbidden from seeing, but like all romantic heroes that learned to pass secret messages within hymnals and love songs within scriptures all hidden before in audience in the choir stands at church.

we each found our own ways of rebelling against the constraints of being the children of the pastor. some a little more outspoken that other.

i signed up for the direct approach before i could ever understand what that would eventually mean.

from my father i learned many things. how to tear apart arguments. how to destroy hearts. how to lie and not get caught and how to read a lie before its ever spoken. i've used about 2 of these for the majority of my life. the most important being the reading of the lies....his greatest downfall...since he taught me what eventually lead to his expose.

i tend to find men that remind me of my father- and by the time i see if i try so hard to escape my inevitable future that i'm willing to rip my own heart out to do it.

i think my biggest fear is ending up like my mother.

not that i think her weak- she's the strongest person i've ever met...but she knew her naivete. she walked in with her eyes open and hoped that the man she loved, that she believe the lord handpicked for her- would love her the way her father had loved her mother. that he would learn to be faithful and true. and that he would be dependable and honest. and that he'd be everything he said that he would be.

my grandmother cried on her wedding day.

she begged my mother not to do it. my mother didn't listen.

and 25 + years later here we are.

and every time she watches one of her daughters fall in love she shakes her head and tells us not to. she tells us to look at her example to keep our eyes wide open and give our hearts only to the lord...but each time we jump in hoping that maybe this time will be the time.

i jump in searching. looking for the flaw so that when i see it i can escape before it drags me down with it. and each time its the same. each time its someone else

and i think subconsciously each time i stand there like that little girl standing on her front porch watching her father drive away into the night hoping that this man will turn around and choose me this time.

perhaps i ask for too much. perhaps i don't ask for enough.

maybe i peg myself too short. or i place myself too high.

or maybe i'm never meant to be loved in the end.

and there are moments like last night...when i gave aaron an out again...i always do this for him- give him a way to leave without hurting either one of us...

why do you love me?


why do you love me?

umm...because i do. uh....because for someone reason i can't be without

but you were without me. why do you love me?

why not?

those are the moments that break my heart. the little whispered moments thats put nicks and cracks into case that has been taped together too many times to stand much more.

thats not a reason. to be with someone because there's no other reason is a
reason to be together. and loving someone because there's no reason to love them
isn't a reason to love in the first place.

uh...i dunno holly. i'm not really thinking right now.

and that always happens too. a year ago i told him i wanted more. i wanted to be able to talk to him. i wanted to be able have dialogue and conversation. to go places and to do things and


simply more

and it hurt him that i even said it...

and now we're back to this point again. we had switched positions for a while. where he had wanted it and now i'm here again- the constant tug of war we play with ideas.

i want more because we both deserve it that way. i don't want to be your mother and i don't want to take away your manhood. i want you simply to be a man. to be who you are...but to want to be that with me...

and for some reason that i can never quite realize....no one can be that with me.

i'm good enough to have. to walk around with and to show off...but at the end of the day...for a reason i'll never quite understand...i'm not enough to have for more...

but i can't accept less than that anymore.

i've seen what more has to offer now

and at one point i would have been ok with the crumbs of what he could give to me....but i won't accept crumbs when i can give myself jewels.

and we're back again. we always come back to here- the two of us. destined to chase after what we never can quite reach.

maybe he can reach it with another

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

seeing through the rage rage...

its been a crazy weekend.

i wish that were an over exaggeration...but how else to complete a bad week but to have the weekend of weekends.

i probably shouldn't say weekend since it didn't end until monday (if we could actually call that an ending or simply a line drawn in the sand...like so many other lines that I have already etched there over the years)

When it comes to Aaron I never get to say what i want to. i think its a fear of losing him. a fear that it won't come out right. or that it will. or that if it all fell apart i wouldn't know which way was up again.

aaron has always been the person to make me feel insecure...

but when i everything started to cave in last week...i don't really know what happened. all of a sudden i watched my life flash before my eyes and it was like i'd already seen it played out this way before. i'd already lived these mistakes. i'd already cried these tears...and i couldn't cry them anymore

and i laughed.

i cracked up.

even while i told meghan and she started fuming. hissing and spitting like a mother cat over the entire situation and i just couldn't get over it. even while talking to aaron i laughed. while he asked me what to do i laughed.

it took hours before i could even feel the tears.

it took days before i felt the rage

it wasn't until monday in the middle of day that everything turned from hilarious to ridiculous.

perhaps thats what i needed 4 months for. i think that maybe thats what i needed to learn. that moment where i didn't care about the consequences and i actually stood up for myself.

he tried to flip the situation. he tried to brush it under the rug.

he tried to tell me it was no big deal because he always comes back to me. i shouldn't worry because he'll always come back.

i said no. i've waited too long for you as it is and i've given you more chances than anyone deserves and i'm not settling for 1 inch less than all of you.

i not settling for less than everything

and i won't share you

you can't have us both.

he said she said that to

i told him i dont' give a fuck what she said.

he can go back to her for all i care. i never asked him to leave.

i yelled. i scolded. i passed up and down my street, not wanting my family to hear my rage as i told him exactly what i thought about this entire situation.

i thought i could wait. wait for him to outgrow his selfishness. wait for him to see what he had in front of him. wait for him to grow up and then i simply told him

i can't

i can't keep waiting for you. its not fair for any of us.

i'm done.

i told him that if i find out he's talking to her again...if i even think he's talking someone...if i even have an inkling that this bull shit is happening again....I'm out.

the end.

i've put up with it too long.

there will be no discussion. no warning. no arguments. no tears. no phone calls. just silence. i'm out

he said he didn't like be threatened

i told him it wasn't a threat. it was a fact.

he didn't say anything after that.

now for her...i had some choice words. another side effect of this new independence thing...

i can only thank the lord than i didn't have a car this weekend. or a phone number.... i would say that i've controlled myself enough that i don't feel this way any longer...

but i have no reason to lie in this blog.

call my baby girl one more time and i'll show you exactly how i feel about the moniker. [the rest of the content has been censored by the owner]

i'm just being spiteful...i tried to tell you...

i have stories. and details. on the usual nonsense...but today just doesn't seem like the day for any of that. maybe once my vision clears i'll be able to tell you more.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

a letter of advice - Day 1

Dear Miss L,

I've been trying to figure exactly what it is that i have been wanting to say to you. Its ironic because we are in the same position- or rather i've been in your position, years ago when this all began and he had someone else that had stayed and left and came back and he wasn't sure which way he wanted to go.

i ought to thank you. You said that i was able to revel in ignorance. and i did. i enjoyed 3 months of actually believing that aaron wanted only me. that aaron was willing to give up anything just to be with me and he would continuously point it out on every occasion. "you know i love you. i left her because i wanted you." the certainty in his statements were strong enough to erase the doubt that 3 years of being with him had created.

i won't lie and say that i'm surprised that you exist. there's always one like you. if it weren't you it would be someone else this i know because when you weren't answering he immediately sought the attentions of darneesha and jade and liz and anyone else that could comfort him in his times of weakness- in those moments when he thought that someone who was too good wouldn't stay.

lol...you heard that line before too...

and you decided to stay. much like several of the others had. willing to take bits and parts when you should have probably been demanding the whole...in a desperate plead that one day he'd realize that you were everything that i could never be....but i guess you didn't stop to thinking that if it weren't me, (just as if it weren't you), it would be someone else.

don't think that the lines that he's feeding you are any different than the lines i've already heard. don't think i don't hear your words repeated from his lips in angry. don't think i don't know.

don't think i'm dumb....just know that i've paid my dues. and i've worked...i've worked hard to keep someone who rarely knows which way he wants to go...and i know that times that he's shown up at my house crying begging me to stay. the times that he says he's just dumb and he didn't mean it. and that i should know he only wants me. we have forever.

it all comes down to how much you're willing to take. how much you willing to accept.

if his potential is worth the wait. if the love is strong enough. the connection. he belief that maybe it'll all turn out in the end.

it always comes down to that. the hope.

i'd greatly appreciate if you refrained from giving him advice. i'm sure you do it out of the goodness of your heart...but from one woman scorned to another...its a waste of time if you're not there constantly to back it up.

stop waiting. because there will always be another.

stop writing. its blowing up your spot.

but if all of the advice is for naught...then the most important thing i can possibly say is to simply play your role.

if he wanted you. he would be with you.

the end.

so go ahead. go hang out with the boys. finance his expenses. wait for the days that i'm not there to hang out and the phone calls after he's done talking to me...and stay there. and don't want for more.

its a waste of time.

enjoy the little hand outs that he's willing to give. because at the end of the day- when he's done playing these games and telling you what you want to hear so you can tell him what he does....he comes home to me.

and you can wait and have him when i'm done...if that ever happens. patience is a virtue they say. and then you both can talk about all the times you missed and how horrible i was...and know that he'll be probably be calling me then to....


i guess thats all for now.

have fun at the football game in october. i'm sure it'll be amazing.


oh and p.s. i really like your blog

Deja vu

so i found a blog yesterday....just surfing the web and being nosey as most females....scratch that....most people are on random days of when they have a feeling they're missing something.

i fond a blog that had me in it.

and i didn't quite know what to do....

at first i thought it was nothing. just the angry ramblings of a girl scorned...but i kept reading about things she couldn't have known about. things he shouldn't have said. and suddenly i watched a tunnel appear before my eyes mapping out my future in these endless moments of realization that always occur when i'm with you.

i wrote an entry yesterday.

on my computer at work that i considered posting...but at the last minute stopped and changed it entirely to what i actually poster. i stopped myself from listing my fears and doubts and concerns because i thought they were all for naught. that i would actually get myself to do what he's been asking me to do. i would try. i would trust him even though he had never given me a reason to in the first place.

and i came home and realized i probably should i have just followed my gut all along.

i emailed him the link. i couldn't find a slicker way of telling him. and he called and i told him to check his mail. and he asked why and i told him to just do it. stuck in this weird place where i couldn't stop laughing and finding humor in the entire situation.

it was like 2 years ago...when i found out about darneesha. when i was sitting on the floor next to him while he slept and his phone went off and i glanced over and saw my name....

and i cried. and i begged. and screamed. and i was with him the next day.

anyway. back to where we were. he started asking all these questions. flipping the situation to it being me for searching. and who was i going to believe him or her? and obviously she's crazy and she's lying. i have to see that.

and i just started reading things to him. things that she said that she couldn't have known. things he said that i've heard him say before.

and he tried to come up with an arguing point.

he tried.

and when he couldn't try anymore he said he didn't like being interrogated.

i told him i wasn't interrogating. the floor was open. i wasn't asking questions. i was reading.

he came up with reasons for everything. he called once. he never went over. he only said that to get her off the phone. he never told her he loved her. he never loved her....

on and on and i listened.

and waited for him to slip...which he did.

and i heard about his plans to go to a football game with her in october. and how he spoke to her 2 weeks ago and that was why he flipped. everytime he snaps its because he speaks to her he said. that all he wanted was to have me and still be friends with her and just not tell me.

i don't tell you stuff because i know you'll be mad....

i've told you before that i'd rather hear them from you...i get mad because i hear them from everyone else.

he said he didn't know what to do

i told him i couldn't tell him what.

the ball was in his court as always.

the phone died at some point and ashley came to pick me up.

he called twice more throughout the evening to tell me about getting my car fixed tomorrow. and that he'd see me in the am

i said ok. i've been waiting for him to call his friends about that for a while.

i won't lie and say that i know what to do. ranting to ashley i had such a plan. such an idea. i laughed as i told her the story and she asked. no. she stated

you love him

ha...yeah. but i'm not retarded.

or maybe i am because he constantly treats me like i must be.

i remember talking to his mother and she said that aaron couldn't keep going back and forth...and i brushed the comment aside not understand what she meant.

now i do.

and through the blog she talks about texts. but i wonder who's phone he's using there.

i'm trying to lay all my egg in a row. see what i have. what i could have. what i should let go...and have a plan before i see him

because right now i'm standing on a stone in an ocean before a storm and i have no way out...

he said gaby told him that if he was going to be with me he could never talk to her again. he said he knew.

i guess he just didn't listened.

i guess he just doesn't know what he wants.

lets see what he says today. after talking to his friends. after talking to her. lets see what angle he takes.

lord, please protect me...please help

Second Guessing

Friday, August 13, 2010

. . .

you know how they say time flies when you're having fun....and the day goes quicker when you stay busy....well something must be wrong with today

because its only 12:33

and i feel like it should be 5

its been a hectic morning, transitioning from one set of people to another and tying up loose ends before the weekend. there have been numerous melt downs. a couple of arguments. a few minutes set aside for gossiping and yet here we still are.

i don't even know what to say.

i have little to show for the hours of work...but everyday seems to go that way. a full day and at the end i have to stop and wonder what exactly i did for most of it.

yesterday was dramatic. no i shouldn't say that. it wasn't yesterday. it was more like midnight.

aaron and i play this game where we pretend like the other doesn't know. or rather aaron plays the game and i watch it happen. this silent truce that things are as they appear and theres no secret underlaying plot that we're both trying to figure out.

i usually play along for awhile. i tend to prefer the rose tinted perspective of a woman in love to reality...but eventually i throw my chips in. i always do. i lay them on the table and see what hand you choose to play.

like playing poker when i already know your hand

or BS

and we resolve the issue...or yell and cry and pretend like there is no longer an issue...and wait until the game begins again.

you started playing that game again yesterday. or maybe you've been playing it for a while and its just now that i'm starting to read it for what it is. i'm rusty at this now it seems...

but that doesn't mean i don't know.

it doesn't mean i won't act...it just means that its begun again.

and i don't know


i really want to play this



Thursday, August 12, 2010

lets be realistic

so yesterday was the day from hell...maybe its just the week from hell...things just haven't been going great for me since monday. thank goodness its almost over.

today has been much better. my coworker's last day is tomorrow. we threw together a going away bash in about 15 minutes and have enough food to feed a small nation...oh well. better too much than too little.

been rather upset over a conversation from yesterday. I don't know if i got upset because of the subject or if i was already upset from before.

remember when i said it was like no time has passed? Like we just started again last august. except the the positions are reversed. and i'm the one waiting and he's the one going...and he says its not because he's getting back at me...but he just likes to

::blank stare::

the concept of playing with fire comes to mind...

something about if you don't like the heat and staying out of the kitchen.

strange cliches.

just ideas....

and nothing else.

oh well. i guess i'll call some people. make some plans. go some places

change my priorities a little.

fix them

be realistic.

for once...

Friday, August 6, 2010

second time around

I haven't updated in a while. and while i probably cook blame this on my life being relatively peaceful at the moment and i tend to use this place to rant...but rather i've just been too busy...

not to mention the last time I tried to upload this post half of it erased. so this is attempt number 2...

Rebecca got into Catholic University for law! She put in her two weeks notice. We're all sooo happy for her. They are going to be hard shoes to fill...as long as my coworker terry will get off my back everything will go smoothly...

this chick...OMG....so she hears that Becky is leaving and tries to bumrush the position. go ahead- you can have it. She's a federal employee who's been here for over 5 years. she has preference. she has the grade level. she has a bad attitude.

she scheduled a meeting with my manager, which was sneaky because i handle her calendar- as well as 2 other ppls as well...so who knows how she finagled her way on there. then she proceeds to talk to her for 2 hours telling her (phyllis,my manager) all of her accomplishments, her work experience, her expertise...and how she deserves more responsibility and more work...

phyllis asks Terry if she's telling her this because she wants to apply for the new position that opened up in the other building...she said no. she want's becky's job.

sry that one hasn't been posted

simmer down...

any way. my boss is out of town so phyllis makes an executive decision to shut terry up. "look over the SOPs and assess them. Get back to me with what you think should be changed...while your at it- give me your working hours and what you do during the day because i need to make sure your working all 8 hours because you're saying that you don't have enough to do..."

so this chick comes back and tells paula and me that she has been promoted and is now the supervisor of the front office and that we need to provide a list of our daily activities to her asap and that things are going to change. "things haven't been working the way that they've been going...and we're going to change them so they are..."

i thought things were working fine...

however, they would work better if you picked up the phone once in a while

or did anything once in a while

but i never cared. we work on two different things. you stay on your side. i'll stay on mine.

well homie decided to cross the line

destroy the line

she kicked that crap to the floor and danced on its grave...

i gave her my list of activities. i have to provide my contracting company with a monthly list of accomplishments so i printed her May's list. She then proceeded to ask me about each one as if i was lying about it...and came back to follow up on them and make sure i was actually doing them throughout the day....

i went to my COTR, i snitched. i shouldn't have...but i don't have to answer to anyone, but him. I'm a contractor...we don't answer to the same ppl...

she kept going. for two days she acted a fool

she took 2 hour lunches. she woulnd't talk to anyone unless she was telling us what to do.

paula even went to the COTR and her mother owns my company...

things get worse before they got better....

i spoke to phyllis yesterday on my way to work

she stopped by after a meeting and as she was leaving

"ummm phyllis i actually wanted to talk to you..."

"oh really...?"her head tilting to the side like a amused if not slightly confused puppy (for some reason Phylis has always reminded my of a puppy. maybe its the hair...or her eagerness to please my boss...its sweet...its endearing...its kind of weird...)

"its about terry"

Phyllis busted out laughing....she said that she doesn't know what happened. Terry came and spoke to her. She told her to look over the SOPs. she said htat she told her she could handle things so phyllis gave her an assignment to see if she could handle it...

Update on the Terry situation. Phyllis talked to me on Friday and said that she reiterated what she had asked Terry to do...but supposedly thats what terry thinks she's doing. (side eye..) terry decided to take her customary 2 hour lunch and then leave at noon which i said nothing about. wow i can't wait to be federal...life would be so much easier if i literally had no rules to follow. (note to self- finish KSAs...)Now we hae to have a front office meeting to discuss everything. I'm waiting until rebecca gets here to talk about it...i'm not ready to confront terry on my own.

the weekend was good. minus the UFC party awkwardness. i'm going to have to tell the background story of that one day. probably later today when i have time.

things are good with Bear-Bear....i don't want to jinx anything so i'll leave details to the imagination and probably come back and rant later. (goodness this post was better the first time around)

its as if last summer never happened. like last year never happened. that we simply ignored August to June and picked up in August as if we had always been here...we don't talk about the differences but we know they're there. the changes in music. the newly acquired tastes in food. the clothes the attitude on both sides things have changed. little inconsequential things...but its like suddenly looking at your right hand and seeing freckles there that had never been there before.

tell me something i don't know about you...

he looked at me and shrugged and laughed as if to say that i know pretty much all there is...and i did...but not anymore.

but even than there is only so much i want to know...we have talked about the few things we wanted to know.

the one date i went on- antonio

where- ben's chili bowl

what did you talk about - you...ironically...

he was furious either way. i tol dhim he wasn't justified. that i haven't said anything about his relationship. i never said a word about that. but he's mad that i had the audacity to go on a date...

he doesn't talk about her. he knows me well enough that i'm curious but not enough to want him to tell me. he told me enough about jordana the first time around that i'd prefer to live with the mystery of this one. he had in june. he mentioned her. the good things. what he liked. the bad. the different. he told me he wished they could still be friends but that he knew i would never be ok with it.

i never said no. i simply never said yes. she ended up making the decision for him. simply by saying not to contact her again.

i have enough issues with his BFF Neesha...i don't know if i could deal with two girls who love him popping up at all occasions. that doesn't mean i'm not curious.

he says its nosey...this was after he grilled me on tony...and went though my missed calls. we're too much a like in the little ways to notice these small things. he says he want's his independence. i told him i never took it. he said he wants his privacy. i said i want to trust him.

its the usual conversation. it happens silently now...after the black-out-blow-out. I told him not to leave messages anymore...

so we're here in limbo. that he's ok with but not ok with. he wants to say friends but if i do he growls. or if someone says hi. or smiles. or walks to close. or sits to near. i told him it was his decision. its comfortable how it is right now. I think i'm most afraid that i'll get too comfortable here. that we both will.


i liked this post better the first time...oh well....we can't always have what we want.