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Thursday, October 21, 2010

the end

My friend had a baby on saturday.

It feels like there are babies popping out everywhere.

There have been atleast 4 babyshowers in my office since I started in March. Before that there was Meghan and Tuck in December and before that a girl at my old job.

it almost makes me...almost want...one...

then i wake up.

and realize that i can't afford myself right now...let alone someone else.

it would be intriguing though. to have something that was yours. part of you. always a part of you. who lived within you. who needed only you for 9 months.

its crazy

and terrifying

ane beautiful

the concept doesn't even sound real....

work is that same. tedious and demanding. Its the last day for my boss. We have been reorganized...and her position was found to be...well....no longer needed....

or at least at the level it was.

it's been a hard couple of months...but the final point was last wednesday . I wanted to talk about it...but I was sworn to secrecy until the announcement was made.

She pulled me into her office and sat across from me in the small seating area designed to make her appear larger than life and stronger than man...and she looked weak. and she looked small. and tired.

more tired than i've ever seen her.

it was like in 24 hours she game an old woman...and i never rememebr the moment when the woman who hired me left and this woman took her place.

maybe it had been happening all along...maybe everything just happened at once...maybe nothing happened at all...

she told me how she knew i already knew...but she wanted to tell me before everyone else heard.

i stopped her

"take me with you"

she stopped.

she looked at me

and she cried.

one tear. and i watched her face crumble and as she tried to stoically white away the evidence of her own mortality...i knew.

it was over.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

moments like these

Something happened yesterday...probably something inconsequential...but its niggling in my mind

i was standing with him. in the cold. on the street. outside his car. talking about plan. future plan and past plans...

and he asked about a threesome. the usually thing to irk me.

he said with his ex...to really get under my skin

i laughed and told him she wasn't my type

and then he brought up the strip club. his constant question of if i could be bisexual. thats something new...i've brushed it off as being silly...it'll probably get annoying soon.

i told him that i think the female body is beautiful. i think its aesthetically pleasing. does that mean the thought of a woman going down on me turns me on? no. it doesnt. it actually makes me feel kind of uncomfortable

he said "yeah but you said that girl from transformers was hot"

megan fox?

yeah. she friggin gorgeous.

then we got into an argument because he said she was just aight...

moving forward. he asked why i wanted to go to a strip club with him. i reiterating the same rule. now a woman grinding on me wouldn't turn me on...it probably would turn him on

"its like...a turn on. showing you off. knowing you're attracted to them. that they're attracted to you...but that you're coming home with me at the end..."

he said he went once. he didn't lik eit

with her?

with a bunch of ppl

which one

::blank stare:: it doesn't matter

then a shook my head...

and he said

"don't pretend to be all innocent. you've done things"


completely out of no where. i asked him what that meant. where that had come from. he just shook his head

so you're mad at me now over something else you've assumed i've done?

he shook his head

its the little moments that always come back

we're going to a surprise birthday part this weekend. thrown by the girl who used to be a friend. i guess you could say we're enemies now. or i'm her enemy at least


something changed along the way of growing up...that moment when you realize that you've gotta look out for yourself first

she learned that first...but forgot that i'd learn it too.

and we did what we needed to protect ourselves.

so sam's having a surprise party on saturday. we're going. aaron said she asked that i come. specifically that he bring me

i asked if it was a set up...since there's no other way of seeing it.

its going to be interesting.

it always is.

we'll see how it all turns out in the end.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Never take a day off in the middle of the week.

i took off yesterday. Played hookie with BearBear and went up to Morgan State. There was a bunch of paperwork he needed to complete. He actually still needs to complete it. its currently sitting in my car as i forgot to leave it at his house when I came back home last night.

his mother has set a curfew for him. which i found utterly hilarious...or annoying. whichever. but after the fiasco a couple of weeks ago i understand why she did it. it means that at a certain point he has to be in bed. and i have to be home too. so i guess you can say that she's set one for me as well. Sunday through thursday, she says. this just happens to be the week that i've been there everyday. and out everyday. by 10...well no later than 11....thirty....sometimes...

ok so the curfew isn't really working...except she's growing horse saying the same things over and over and he's getting annoyed that she's still bugging him

i think there is a time in everyone's life when they realize its time to just move out.

he'll probably live on campus in the spring. i've been looking for apartments up there. i've been budgeting and trying to figure everything out...but if money is still looking the way money is...he'll be living on campus in the spring...and i'll be finishing school and saving up and seeing how things are in the summer. i wouldn't mind moving out. i WANT to move out...but if i can't afford it...well than i can't afford it.

it was either an apartment or a car...and when it came down to the wire the car was the most important at the time.

wade just sold the other apartment too. lol. perfect timing. either way the hour commute to school every morning and night was bound to get annoying in no time.

not to mention living next to wade.

i can't just imagine the awkward conversations in the stair well...

i asked aaron what happened to daphney the other night. i'd never met her. but i'd heard about her. after nene who was after nicole. and before nene who was before nicole. she was right in the middle.

aaron said that he was just comfortable. he had nothing to complain about...so there was no reason to leave.

...aaron said he had been too....

he says he doesn't know what happened to her. "they don't talk anymore" just that. simple and straight forward. they just don't...

i wonder if it ever gets to nicole...what happened after her. and before her...and during her...or if it ever gets to wade...

i wonder if the questions that we had are usual questions that they have...or if we just deal with things differently.

last sunday it came up again. how angry he was. comparing this halloween to last halloween.

"why didn't we hang out?....why did you want to be there with me?..."

i didn't know where it came from. and i sat there in church trying to remember how we both ended up in different locations. he had been there and i had been here...and we'd been together weeks before and we'd been together weeks after. and he was so mad...

and i could remember the itch of anger that i had...but for the life of my a couldn't remember

until memories of baby showers and pink balloons came into my mind. or standing in line at a movie theatre and watching him storm out before the movie began. and fear. being in a car...and terrified...as he sped by the house. shouting. yelling. and cursing...and crying. of tears. i remember tears.

i told him that. that the baby shower had been before halloween thats why...he didn't remember why.

i told him he has recreated a past where he did nothing wrong.

that i was the bad guy...but i still remember.

and its not fair that he get angry over things that i can't change. and that i don't get mad at things that are still happening....interestingly enough. maybe i need to. maybe i ought to...

but i had time to get angry. i had time to bad angry. to rant and rave and forgive him....i guess he's still in rave...heading towards forgive.



we'll see....

i'm just enjoying the nice moments that are happening now...and letting go of the bad ones.

its nice to point out that its him picking the fights this time.

how the tables have turned

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

one day at a time

I'm starting to hate my job....and its rather unfortunate.

given that I actually used to look forward to coming to this place

someone asked me the other day if i liked my job...and it actually took me a minute to figure out what it was that I wanted to say.
. . .
. . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . .

"i love my job description...now all the extra crap i do. no i don't like that."

i hate coming home to complain about this place, but I can't seem to remember any of the funny moments. i can't seem to remember what i spent 20 minutes laughing about or the game i played with misti or the way rikia's baby kicked when she heard my voice or the 10 seconds of down time when i got to gchat with my brother...

all i remember is how many times the phone rang and how terry refused to answer it. or the 30 emails i got from dawn talking about the travel i don't need to schedule until november. or the memo that disappeared between here and 10A. or the woman who comes to my desk and talks to me like i'm a child. or the questions i was asked. or the work i was given. or the work that i did that i shouldn't have had to do.

and i'm just tired of complaining about this place.

i told the other contractors that i'm looking for other things. that it wasn't the money that was keeping me here...but maybe it is...because if it wasn't for the money i wouldn't be here either.

i'm just tired of this place now.

school is going well. i don't know if i'm taking it seriously. i don't know if i ever really took school seriously. it was never so hard that i really needed to. i'm taking the LSAT again in december. I'm heading to Morgan tomorrow to submit the rest of my application for an M.A. in History. I'm just spreading everything out wide...and hopefully something gets picked up. I just need something to get picked up.

BearBear is planning to start school in the spring. He's excited I can tell. excited about playing college ball...but worried about school and homework. I told him he'd be fine. that i'd be here if he needs any help. I think i'm worried as well. but not about that. but that he'll love it. the way i loved college. the freedom. the excitement. college is like nothing else you'll ever experience.

i want him to love it.

and i'm terrified all at the same time.

i'm glad he's finally doing what he wants to do.

we're heading to the redskins game on sunday. we have pretty amazing seats. he was supposed to go with his ex. they'd bought tickets over the summer. he was still planning on going in july when he told me he was just going to friends. i told him to go ahead and go...i think he was terrified of the consequences.

i have a crazy Jamaican side in me. I never knew it until recently.

there are moments when suddenly i hear my cousin Toya's voice escape my body. i feel her head twist back and forth and her hands clap to the beat of her words and when i realize its coming from me...that calm...measured...rage...i realize that blood run thick.

i'm starting to like that side of me.

it amuses aaron at the same time that it flusters him.

he accustomed to my calm. he accustomed to my tears. he's not accustomed to my voice anymore.

she's not going anymore.

moments after purchasing the tickets richard told aaron that he was going to surprise him with the seats. she'd given him the tickets...probably with the stipulation that i not go...probably with the stipulation that he not go either.

i heard them talk about it...in codes and silence and...next to me. lol. i listened because he stayed there so i could. i told him he could still go...that i could use these tickets. he twisted his lips and said "with who? Brandon"...the newest person he hates.

i laughed and told him he was dumb.

i prefer his sarcasm to his silence.

just taking things one day at a time.

one day.

and 3 years

and 4 months

at a time

Friday, October 1, 2010

i feel like I'm in an episode of cheers

so it looks like the old crew is all back together again...

strangely enough i'm pretty sure none of us saw this coming...maybe our parents did. who knows. i guess i should give some background- i'm not sure if i ever told this from where it began-

it started with wade and nicole. they met in middle school i think. 8th grade and dated non stop (or later i found out- on and off) for years. she lasted through everyone elses relationship. aaron and jordana. sam and someone. richard and...well i don't know if richard ever really dated anyone. nicole lasted...well everyone else faded...

and then richard became one with ashley. they met in school. nicole and ashley hit it off...or were forced to after forced interaction since wade and richard had become best friends.

and then i came along. i didn't meet either one of them for years...but shay followed with sam and we hti it off (i'm sure i mentioned the downfall of that one.)

there are side stories. a valentines day we were forced to sit together. birthday parties. new years. vacations. events that should have been single...but weren't.... but we all managed. the point of this story is the exits.

ashley went first. shortly after graduation. she lived in penn and he lived in md and the distance simply became too much. i didn't particularly care for him so i didn't think much of it...plus i had been in attendance when he started hitting on out waitress when his gf wasn't around and i thought he was wack to begin with...

then nicole. she received a phone call from the other girl that he was sleeping with and she dipped. it wasn't surprising after he came to a party at my school and tried to sneak into the bedroom of one of my younger housemates...i jokingly told that to nicole once...she later told me that she wished she'd paid more attention to my story. she packed up her stuff and disappeared for a year.

and then i did. finally i couldn't deal with everything that had went up and fell down and simply needed somewhere to stand where the floor stayed beneath me...

then shay. on and off and on again. i think she stayed the longest.

wade had nene and then daphney and then nene and then daphney and then...well you get the point...

and aaron had khalilah

and richard had...well i dunno who richard had but he said that their relationship was open...i'm not sure what she said.

we won't talk about the others...

there were vacations. and birthday parties. and family events. and a history there...

ashley came back first. just sort of appeared as if she had never left.

then i did. an email that turned into more and the usual ups and downs and round and rounds that make the world wind that in our relationship.

and finally nicole.

no one saw that coming.

they say she called him out of the blue. just called to say that she had forgiven him. just that. she didn't trust him, but she forgave him.

they hung out.

he said he wasn't feeling it. he just wasn't there anymore

women only want you when you're up. they only want you when everythings going for you and they want your money...

he ranted and raved and complained to them.

aaron told me nicole wanted to have a game night on saturday and we were all invited.

i stopped.

nicole? i thought you said he wasn't feeling her...

he shrugged...i don't even know...but you wanna go?

who's everyone?

wade-nicole, richard-ashley, sam-shay...why?

shrugs...just wondering. last time you said everyone...well it was everyone. just making sure...

he looked at me. shook his head and laughed...

and so there's the plan. we'll see if actually happens. there's a history here. not just between the men- but between the women too.

things aren't as secretly nice and cozy as they used to be...

its just funny how we all came back.

i think its just a time. right after graduation. a moment when women realize that something shifted. life just alters out of the blue. your friends are getting married. people aer moving out. and here you are...where you were years ago going through the same shit that had happened before. i expected life to change once i got home...and it didn't. or it did...but not the way i expected it to.

i think we needed to learn that we could live without it. without the comfort we were used to. that we could survive on our own if we needed to. that we deserved more. that we could do worse or better or in between.

we needed to learn where we wanted to be...

i resented her because she had what i did not during our silence...but i can't.

i resent what she had. that she was there...but not what we needed to learn.

maybe i needed to learn that i could survive without your loving
and maybe...maybe you needed ot learn that you could survive and be loved...
i can't resent that.

the strange moments that make up life...and growing up...and adolescents and adulthood. these are the moments that make us who we are.

its strange how things turn out.

life is funny that way