Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Those days that you can look back on and know that something big happened.
something life altering.
a chapter ended
a chapter begun
those little things like turning left instead of right. or staying in when everyone went out...or emailing someone you hadn't heard from....
yesterday was one of those moments
12/7/10 i'll always remember that day
a moment that led to another.
a step that ended one. or began one...
i don't know if i'm ready for them all
but i guess it's a little too late to worry about that now
Thursday, November 18, 2010
We were talking the other day. It probably was a week ago…maybe longer. I was calling him a brat. I tend to do that these days but it could simply be because I’m seeing parts of him that I never saw before. The every day. Saturday mornings. Arguments with his mother. Refusals to act…and I don’t know. It doesn’t line up with the person that I know and love.
I asked him why. “why didn’t you ever mow the lawn. Like you know if we live together you’ll be mowing it right”
He looked at me and shrugged agreed that he would. Then he said “they never let me . they always thought I’d mess up. When ppl don’t let you do something you stop asking them. I’m not going to beg you to let me help…” I heard the anger build in his voice. I watched the hurt in his eyes. The years he’s tried to be more. To do more. And been shot down and insulted for it.
So I let him. I let him have the power he wanted. I used to complain about how I was tired of being the adult in the relationship. So now I’m giving it to him.
The apartments called. We were approved and they wanted payment. I didn’t have the money. He wasn’t ready to pay it. I told him to call. He didn’t on the first day. Never got to it on the second. I told him I simply couldn’t handle it. I’ve been stressed…I’m overwhelmed by my job. By my classes. By my car…I can’t take on the additional responsibility.
So he called. He called me and told me what he was going to say. He called me after he said. I probably would have done it differently…but I’m proud of him for acting when he did. It meant a lot.
Its like seeing him grow before my eyes.
I want him to be everything he’s always wanted to be. I want him to be more. I want us to be happy.
I hope this is simply step one to a long journey.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
the office is different now. My boss - my former boss - is in training until the 19th. My former manager is acting as the boss and i worry that she might not know what she's doing. Everything seems to be crumbling. ripping apart at the seams...and there's nothing we can really do about it.
we got the short stick in this reorganization. unfortunately we were the losers of this war.
no one has thought of the consequences yet. It hasn't really been needed. We have an all hands meeting on monday when they'll tell us everything else they've decided. if no one else is worried the contractors are. Our jobs depend on the contract with API and well...API no longer exists.
all we can do is pray at this point. pray and send out our resumes just in case...and hope that the work that we've done here will be strong enough to keep us here...
and pray...mainly pray...
hmm...other updates. my car was hit on sunday. my mother told me it was a sign. she's rather upset at a million different things - the main one being the fact that i'm rarely home. she says the lord was trying to tell me something. i told her that maybe the lord was trying to tell all of us something...seeing that the accident happened while my car was parked and i was in VA....and 3 cars were involved. and a broken axle. and now 3 popped tired...
and about 4 huge dents in the side of my sweet innocent Gwyn.
so here I am again - carless.... i should be angrier than I am, but I've become accustomed to not having a car as my last car was so unreliable...now it just seems like the month of having a car was simply a dream.
McDaniel's homecoming is this weekend. I keep trying to decide if I want to go. I already told Aaron. he said he'd go if i wanted to...but i can't seem to muster up enough...enthusiasm...
there are so many people there that i have no need to see. i just don't know. the people i wanted to keep in contact with I have. The only people I would want to see are my old professors, and homecoming is probably the worse possible time to catch up.
i'll just wait and see what the weather is like on saturday and decide at the last minute like always.
this entry is rather lack luster. not much to say. its rainy and dreary and cold today...and i wish i'd stayed bundled up in my bed.
maybe i'll have better stories on a sunnier day...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
It feels like there are babies popping out everywhere.
There have been atleast 4 babyshowers in my office since I started in March. Before that there was Meghan and Tuck in December and before that a girl at my old job.
it almost makes me...almost want...one...
then i wake up.
and realize that i can't afford myself right now...let alone someone else.
it would be intriguing though. to have something that was yours. part of you. always a part of you. who lived within you. who needed only you for 9 months.
the concept doesn't even sound real....
work is that same. tedious and demanding. Its the last day for my boss. We have been reorganized...and her position was found to be...well....no longer needed....
or at least at the level it was.
it's been a hard couple of months...but the final point was last wednesday . I wanted to talk about it...but I was sworn to secrecy until the announcement was made.
She pulled me into her office and sat across from me in the small seating area designed to make her appear larger than life and stronger than man...and she looked weak. and she looked small. and tired.
more tired than i've ever seen her.
it was like in 24 hours she game an old woman...and i never rememebr the moment when the woman who hired me left and this woman took her place.
maybe it had been happening all along...maybe everything just happened at once...maybe nothing happened at all...
she told me how she knew i already knew...but she wanted to tell me before everyone else heard.
i stopped her
"take me with you"
she looked at me
and she cried.
one tear. and i watched her face crumble and as she tried to stoically white away the evidence of her own mortality...i knew.
it was over.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
i was standing with him. in the cold. on the street. outside his car. talking about plan. future plan and past plans...
and he asked about a threesome. the usually thing to irk me.
he said with his ex...to really get under my skin
i laughed and told him she wasn't my type
and then he brought up the strip club. his constant question of if i could be bisexual. thats something new...i've brushed it off as being silly...it'll probably get annoying soon.
i told him that i think the female body is beautiful. i think its aesthetically pleasing. does that mean the thought of a woman going down on me turns me on? no. it doesnt. it actually makes me feel kind of uncomfortable
he said "yeah but you said that girl from transformers was hot"
yeah. she friggin gorgeous.
then we got into an argument because he said she was just aight...
moving forward. he asked why i wanted to go to a strip club with him. i reiterating the same rule. now a woman grinding on me wouldn't turn me on...it probably would turn him on
"its like...a turn on. showing you off. knowing you're attracted to them. that they're attracted to you...but that you're coming home with me at the end..."
he said he went once. he didn't lik eit
with a bunch of ppl
::blank stare:: it doesn't matter
then a shook my head...
and he said
"don't pretend to be all innocent. you've done things"
completely out of no where. i asked him what that meant. where that had come from. he just shook his head
so you're mad at me now over something else you've assumed i've done?
he shook his head
its the little moments that always come back
we're going to a surprise birthday part this weekend. thrown by the girl who used to be a friend. i guess you could say we're enemies now. or i'm her enemy at least
something changed along the way of growing up...that moment when you realize that you've gotta look out for yourself first
she learned that first...but forgot that i'd learn it too.
and we did what we needed to protect ourselves.
so sam's having a surprise party on saturday. we're going. aaron said she asked that i come. specifically that he bring me
i asked if it was a set up...since there's no other way of seeing it.
its going to be interesting.
it always is.
we'll see how it all turns out in the end.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
i took off yesterday. Played hookie with BearBear and went up to Morgan State. There was a bunch of paperwork he needed to complete. He actually still needs to complete it. its currently sitting in my car as i forgot to leave it at his house when I came back home last night.
his mother has set a curfew for him. which i found utterly hilarious...or annoying. whichever. but after the fiasco a couple of weeks ago i understand why she did it. it means that at a certain point he has to be in bed. and i have to be home too. so i guess you can say that she's set one for me as well. Sunday through thursday, she says. this just happens to be the week that i've been there everyday. and out everyday. by 10...well no later than 11....thirty....sometimes...
ok so the curfew isn't really working...except she's growing horse saying the same things over and over and he's getting annoyed that she's still bugging him
i think there is a time in everyone's life when they realize its time to just move out.
he'll probably live on campus in the spring. i've been looking for apartments up there. i've been budgeting and trying to figure everything out...but if money is still looking the way money is...he'll be living on campus in the spring...and i'll be finishing school and saving up and seeing how things are in the summer. i wouldn't mind moving out. i WANT to move out...but if i can't afford it...well than i can't afford it.
it was either an apartment or a car...and when it came down to the wire the car was the most important at the time.
wade just sold the other apartment too. lol. perfect timing. either way the hour commute to school every morning and night was bound to get annoying in no time.
not to mention living next to wade.
i can't just imagine the awkward conversations in the stair well...
i asked aaron what happened to daphney the other night. i'd never met her. but i'd heard about her. after nene who was after nicole. and before nene who was before nicole. she was right in the middle.
aaron said that he was just comfortable. he had nothing to complain about...so there was no reason to leave.
...aaron said he had been too....
he says he doesn't know what happened to her. "they don't talk anymore" just that. simple and straight forward. they just don't...
i wonder if it ever gets to nicole...what happened after her. and before her...and during her...or if it ever gets to wade...
i wonder if the questions that we had are usual questions that they have...or if we just deal with things differently.
last sunday it came up again. how angry he was. comparing this halloween to last halloween.
"why didn't we hang out?....why did you want to be there with me?..."
i didn't know where it came from. and i sat there in church trying to remember how we both ended up in different locations. he had been there and i had been here...and we'd been together weeks before and we'd been together weeks after. and he was so mad...
and i could remember the itch of anger that i had...but for the life of my a couldn't remember
until memories of baby showers and pink balloons came into my mind. or standing in line at a movie theatre and watching him storm out before the movie began. and fear. being in a car...and terrified...as he sped by the house. shouting. yelling. and cursing...and crying. of tears. i remember tears.
i told him that. that the baby shower had been before halloween thats why...he didn't remember why.
i told him he has recreated a past where he did nothing wrong.
that i was the bad guy...but i still remember.
and its not fair that he get angry over things that i can't change. and that i don't get mad at things that are still happening....interestingly enough. maybe i need to. maybe i ought to...
but i had time to get angry. i had time to bad angry. to rant and rave and forgive him....i guess he's still in rave...heading towards forgive.
i'm just enjoying the nice moments that are happening now...and letting go of the bad ones.
its nice to point out that its him picking the fights this time.
how the tables have turned
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
given that I actually used to look forward to coming to this place
someone asked me the other day if i liked my job...and it actually took me a minute to figure out what it was that I wanted to say.
. . .
. . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"i love my job description...now all the extra crap i do. no i don't like that."
i hate coming home to complain about this place, but I can't seem to remember any of the funny moments. i can't seem to remember what i spent 20 minutes laughing about or the game i played with misti or the way rikia's baby kicked when she heard my voice or the 10 seconds of down time when i got to gchat with my brother...
all i remember is how many times the phone rang and how terry refused to answer it. or the 30 emails i got from dawn talking about the travel i don't need to schedule until november. or the memo that disappeared between here and 10A. or the woman who comes to my desk and talks to me like i'm a child. or the questions i was asked. or the work i was given. or the work that i did that i shouldn't have had to do.
and i'm just tired of complaining about this place.
i told the other contractors that i'm looking for other things. that it wasn't the money that was keeping me here...but maybe it is...because if it wasn't for the money i wouldn't be here either.
i'm just tired of this place now.
school is going well. i don't know if i'm taking it seriously. i don't know if i ever really took school seriously. it was never so hard that i really needed to. i'm taking the LSAT again in december. I'm heading to Morgan tomorrow to submit the rest of my application for an M.A. in History. I'm just spreading everything out wide...and hopefully something gets picked up. I just need something to get picked up.
BearBear is planning to start school in the spring. He's excited I can tell. excited about playing college ball...but worried about school and homework. I told him he'd be fine. that i'd be here if he needs any help. I think i'm worried as well. but not about that. but that he'll love it. the way i loved college. the freedom. the excitement. college is like nothing else you'll ever experience.
i want him to love it.
and i'm terrified all at the same time.
i'm glad he's finally doing what he wants to do.
we're heading to the redskins game on sunday. we have pretty amazing seats. he was supposed to go with his ex. they'd bought tickets over the summer. he was still planning on going in july when he told me he was just going to friends. i told him to go ahead and go...i think he was terrified of the consequences.
i have a crazy Jamaican side in me. I never knew it until recently.
there are moments when suddenly i hear my cousin Toya's voice escape my body. i feel her head twist back and forth and her hands clap to the beat of her words and when i realize its coming from me...that calm...measured...rage...i realize that blood run thick.
i'm starting to like that side of me.
it amuses aaron at the same time that it flusters him.
he accustomed to my calm. he accustomed to my tears. he's not accustomed to my voice anymore.
she's not going anymore.
moments after purchasing the tickets richard told aaron that he was going to surprise him with the seats. she'd given him the tickets...probably with the stipulation that i not go...probably with the stipulation that he not go either.
i heard them talk about it...in codes and silence and...next to me. lol. i listened because he stayed there so i could. i told him he could still go...that i could use these tickets. he twisted his lips and said "with who? Brandon"...the newest person he hates.
i laughed and told him he was dumb.
i prefer his sarcasm to his silence.
just taking things one day at a time.
and 3 years
and 4 months
at a time
Friday, October 1, 2010
strangely enough i'm pretty sure none of us saw this coming...maybe our parents did. who knows. i guess i should give some background- i'm not sure if i ever told this from where it began-
it started with wade and nicole. they met in middle school i think. 8th grade and dated non stop (or later i found out- on and off) for years. she lasted through everyone elses relationship. aaron and jordana. sam and someone. richard and...well i don't know if richard ever really dated anyone. nicole lasted...well everyone else faded...
and then richard became one with ashley. they met in school. nicole and ashley hit it off...or were forced to after forced interaction since wade and richard had become best friends.
and then i came along. i didn't meet either one of them for years...but shay followed with sam and we hti it off (i'm sure i mentioned the downfall of that one.)
there are side stories. a valentines day we were forced to sit together. birthday parties. new years. vacations. events that should have been single...but weren't.... but we all managed. the point of this story is the exits.
ashley went first. shortly after graduation. she lived in penn and he lived in md and the distance simply became too much. i didn't particularly care for him so i didn't think much of it...plus i had been in attendance when he started hitting on out waitress when his gf wasn't around and i thought he was wack to begin with...
then nicole. she received a phone call from the other girl that he was sleeping with and she dipped. it wasn't surprising after he came to a party at my school and tried to sneak into the bedroom of one of my younger housemates...i jokingly told that to nicole once...she later told me that she wished she'd paid more attention to my story. she packed up her stuff and disappeared for a year.
and then i did. finally i couldn't deal with everything that had went up and fell down and simply needed somewhere to stand where the floor stayed beneath me...
then shay. on and off and on again. i think she stayed the longest.
wade had nene and then daphney and then nene and then daphney and then...well you get the point...
and aaron had khalilah
and richard had...well i dunno who richard had but he said that their relationship was open...i'm not sure what she said.
we won't talk about the others...
there were vacations. and birthday parties. and family events. and a history there...
ashley came back first. just sort of appeared as if she had never left.
then i did. an email that turned into more and the usual ups and downs and round and rounds that make the world wind that in our relationship.
and finally nicole.
no one saw that coming.
they say she called him out of the blue. just called to say that she had forgiven him. just that. she didn't trust him, but she forgave him.
they hung out.
he said he wasn't feeling it. he just wasn't there anymore
women only want you when you're up. they only want you when everythings going for you and they want your money...
he ranted and raved and complained to them.
aaron told me nicole wanted to have a game night on saturday and we were all invited.
nicole? i thought you said he wasn't feeling her...
he shrugged...i don't even know...but you wanna go?
wade-nicole, richard-ashley, sam-shay...why?
shrugs...just wondering. last time you said everyone...well it was everyone. just making sure...
he looked at me. shook his head and laughed...
and so there's the plan. we'll see if actually happens. there's a history here. not just between the men- but between the women too.
things aren't as secretly nice and cozy as they used to be...
its just funny how we all came back.
i think its just a time. right after graduation. a moment when women realize that something shifted. life just alters out of the blue. your friends are getting married. people aer moving out. and here you are...where you were years ago going through the same shit that had happened before. i expected life to change once i got home...and it didn't. or it did...but not the way i expected it to.
i think we needed to learn that we could live without it. without the comfort we were used to. that we could survive on our own if we needed to. that we deserved more. that we could do worse or better or in between.
we needed to learn where we wanted to be...
i resented her because she had what i did not during our silence...but i can't.
i resent what she had. that she was there...but not what we needed to learn.
the strange moments that make up life...and growing up...and adolescents and adulthood. these are the moments that make us who we are.
its strange how things turn out.
life is funny that way
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
- - - -
i started writing that last week. obviously it proves that my posting skills are in need of help.
he's talking to her again.
i wish i didn't know. i wish i didn't look. i wish i could pretend like it wasn't happening...but i've never been that girl.
wade's helping. i wish i didn't know that either.
but birds of a feather...
i wish i could escape this flock...
i wish i was never in it to begin with...
i wish i listened to my own advice.
i wish i knew what i was looking for every time i went looking for something
i wish what i was looking for would just appear without me searching. that they were bold enough to just let me know...at least then...at least then i'd know...
i wish i didn't keep asking for a sign...
i wish i hadn't started all of these as wishes...now i can't seem to stop.
i just want it all. i want my fairy tale and my dream come true. i want you to want me as much as i want you...
and i don't want to worry about it anymore.
and i feel like every time i'm not there...you forget.
i wish i knew what you wanted.
i wish i knew what i did....
i wish things were different this time around...
i wish that wishing...did more....than make me realize...
everything i want
and don't have...
and how much more i want...
i wish dreams came true...
Monday, September 13, 2010
tackle each other in the street
pull out a knife
and burn anniversary pictures
kind of fights.
fights that she'd tell me about and i wouldn't know if i should laugh or tell her boyfriend to run away while he could.
they got married last may.
a beautiful wedding where i cried. i wrote about it on here. trying to find the right words to explain how happy i was for them.
and i sat there and remembered when we went to dinner and they would laugh about their fights. laugh about how irrational the other person was. tear each other apart with smiles and then go home together at the end of it all.
i remember when she so simply told me that this was what God had planned for them and they knew it...so regardless of the fights and the misunderstandings...they just knew that they would still be together at the end of it. that was what kept them going...and kept them knowing that the fights were only for today.
i think she's rubbing off on me.
and we've gotten to the point where after its over we can laugh
its taken us years to get here...i hope it stays
we had a good weekend.
its been so long since we've had one. with everything else getting in the way. everyone one. every memory. finally we had a weekend where it just was....
i don't really know what else to say. i just kind of want to wade in this feeling of contentment and avoid any possible clouds. i told him we may as well just talk about our issues...since we both know at the end of the day we're both going to be here looking at each other.
it the simple arrogance between the two of us.
that at the end of the day.
we're both coming back....
but sometimes its just ok to now know. i'm ok not knowing.
and i hope that for as long as this lasts. this moment.
that its as sweet as it was waking up next to him on saturday morning. with my niece screaming between us.
the moment he picked her up and walked out of the room to parade her around.
its those little icing days that make things worth waiting for
Friday, September 10, 2010
i'm a chicken i guess.
or i can't seem to place my words in a way that actually mean what i'm trying to say
everything gets jumbled up...and i get mad all over again. or sad. or needy...or....nothing. just numb and ocnfused and i'm back to not really knowing why i started typing in the first place.
so instead i'll write about something else.
i ordered my books today. late as usual. i had to wait until i got paid, and last pay check went to the vacation that i'm not sure if i told you about or if i saved it to look over later....i haven't quite figured that one out.
i'mleaving in a couple of minutes to go purchase the rest of my books. I actually need 2 for homework and the last ende dup being more expensive on line than the school book store.
i've been thinking a lot recently. nothing new i guess. whenever we play this game and dance this dance. trying to see who will end up with the power in the relationship i start to think.
to think if....
...i wanna do this anymore....
if i want this to be my life
this constant game...
someone asked me what do i love about him. and i said his values. his love- for his family his friends
they said - to who?
and it made me think.
he's loyal to me...in that even constant understanding that he'll always come home. at the end of the day. at the end of the game. he'll always end up on my doorstep with the crooked smile and his nonchalant shrug...
but is it really fair to either one of us. we know we love each other. we know we belong together...but our way of showing that is by torturing each other until we'd rather just go...
just to come back
i'm so tired of making up...
i read a blog today. i've read it before. but i saw something different this time. each time i do...and it makes me realize how needy we all are sometimes. how needy i am for him. and for love and for affection...and commitment...and how needy he is as well
and i know if it weren't me it would be someone else. but for some reason there's something that always brings up back.
and my biggest fear...is that we'll wake up one day
Friday, September 3, 2010
thats seems to happen more often these days...much like last year at this time. when suddenly people i hadn't seen in years became the center of my existence for the few months after graduation where i couldn't figure out where my feet should land.
talking to jemar always makes the world flip around a little. even the first time we spoke, in the middle of a group interview, where i couldn't figure out how i was supposed to answer i looked up and saw a behemoth trying not to laugh at me from across a conference room and it just seemed as if he'd always been there...right on the edges of my stories for year.
we weer good friends simply because we didn't know how to be anything else. and as all good friends we vanish for years simply to walk back in and act as if we'd never left.
he always gets straight to the point.
he sent a short straight to the point message. he asked questions about things we had once talked about. he questioned my future plans. he asked about my family.
and he never gave me an option to disappear
::you don't have to friend me on facebook. i understand....but please respond::
it took me a couple of hours to find the wording to tell him to never contact me again. the way i had in march and february and december and november.
when he proved to be less of a friend than i needed him to be.
instead i said
i answered his question. i didn't add any of my own. i told him what the streets had remarked about him.
and only inquired once about his dog....
he's that friend that will probably always hop in and out as is convenient for him. like brandon...but...inconsequential in comparison.
i think shared tears make people bond for life.
and though i wish we'd never had those moments. those calls where i sobbed asking him why my love couldn't love me...and he'd tell me the male point of view and tell me to buck up...but would call back two days later to make sure i was ok.
and the day funeral when i first saw his shoulder slump. standing beside the hearse, surrounded by his teammates, but a head above the crowd...i saw a quiver go down his spine....i don't know how i made it to him. i had been almost a block away when i saw him break. the team was crowding around...people were everywhere and couldn't even be seen above the crowd...but i remember making it there and just stopping. and looking at him as he hung his head down. the first time i saw that giant of a man let his chin fall and i didn't know what else to do but hug him.
he told me a year later, laughing, that it felt like a child wrapped around his knees...but i remember hearing him gasp for air between his sobs. his hand covering his face while he held on to me as if a drowning man seeking land...
none of his teammate speak about that day. but i remember it. i remember when i let go turning and seeing other reach out for me. for comfort that no one else was there to give.
i think the sealed our place in each others lives.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Christeenna has had an on again off again relationship with the bad boy next door that has been affectionaly nicknamed "Long-Hair-Don't-Care" and now that he's finally buzzed off the greasy strands she was so enthralled with "Short-Hair-In-Jail" or simply "The Lesbian" as her brother states...
I'm not a big fan of him.
there are a thousand reasons why...but this blog is no where near private enough to disclose all of that information. however i'm sure you could google his name and just read the court cases yourself.
its all public record...
anyway...he has a girlfriend. A fact he forgot to disclose to Scoob (christeenna), but rather she found out from his facebook when a new relationship status popped up. he even went so far as to tell her that he never planned on telling her the information.
have i mentioned that i don't like this kid?
Anyway so "S-H-I-J" has been calling nonstop. as expected. she blocked his number, so he started calling from another. when he found himself in a situation where he was only allowed one phone call (please follow me here...i'm trying not to type it out) he called her first. it just keeps happening this way.
she told me this weekend that she made the mistake of calling him back though. he said he needed help on the placement tests for school. He said he needed help registering for classes and scoob met him on campus and helped him go through the steps. this lead to talking again and calling and the same old stories that we should all be used to...
then she called him back and she answered....
things quickly went down hill. flew down hill. plummeted off a cliff if it were...
scoob laughed when the girl cussed at her. laughed in her face.
I don't think she was expected it when he sided with the other girl and not her. He called back and told scoob that he thought she knew he was still dating her...that scoob needed to be nicer.
scoob told him not to call anymore.
she told me that she wished she's come over. that the girl would cross over the side walk into her yard so that she could tell her about herself. i told her not to. its pointless...it'll happen eventually. you know when things are already in the works. the world is too small a place and their neighborhood too small in general for them not to meet on the same side of the pavement.
i tried to tell her the girls point of view. i tried to explain to her how she probably felt. what he's probably said. how it probably hurts to hear about her all the time.
Luz shook her head and said "holly. you and christeenna are on the same side in this...don't stand up for her..."
but we weren't. and i wouldn't. because i didn't feel like that was the side i was meant to be on.
and that night when scoob told her brother. laughing about how this girl was stalking her and knew everything about her and how she wished she could meet her in the street there i was again trying to tell her...to explain. but it was pointless.
"she's not the enemy christeenna...and neither are you...not in this situation..."
i wish she would listen to me sometimes. that i was a credible enough source that she would hear me when i give advice. when i tell her not to follow in my footsteps. when we write down pros and cons.
i've never seen her cry. but i've seen her eyes after these tings have happened. i've seen her laugh to save face. and i've seen her pick up the pieces of her heart just to hold them out again to be slapped away.
i want more for her than what i want for myself...
and she just wants to be loved.
i see myself in her eyes...
and it hurts...
Monday, August 30, 2010
i used to say that Septembers were the months i hate the most...or decembers. I'm just quite sure why septembers rarely work out for me...december is just filled with memories i'd rather leave there unopened beneath the christmas tree and just push them back into a corner is search for january and new beginnings.
august however seems to be the time for next beginnings for me. or old endings. or faded memories and new ideas...that all compile into dramatic moments that can't be remade in movies or blog entries or tweets.
it just seems like a lot of.....something.....that never really lets go until the month is over
or the year
or the phase that i seem to get stuck in around this time.
he asked me what my biggest fear was. on saturday. amid a fight bigger than one we've ever gotten into...but smaller in concept that anything thats ever really mattered.
you know those moments when you've gone too far. you know those moments when you're in the wrong...and you know those moments you're too afraid to do anything...even cry...because weakness won't prove anything...and neither will pain.
he asked me what my biggest fear was.
and i told him it was becoming my mother.
they are words that i've thought. words that i might have written down. but i never heard my own voice say them. i heard the sob in the chest before my ears could. to know that i knew what scared me most.
he told me you can't live in fear.
i said she had no idea. she never saw it coming...she thought everything was fine until the day everything fell apart. when he left the email open on the computer and she saw all of her dreams burn apart...and maybe thats why i always look...because i'd rather have warning in the end. to show up at the game knowing what the score is.
he compared us. he does that more than i like. more than i can possibly say. that he never fought with her the way he fights with me and he thought things would be different this time around.
i asked him why he stays
he looked at me. i don't know. maybe i'm a crazy....
...or maybe i don't want you to hurt the way that i did...
i told him to just tell me what he wants. i'll go if he tells me to go...but he has to say it.
he said he wouldn't say what he didn't believe. he wants me...but me without the fear and with the trust...how things used to be.
and i cried.
i told him not to paint me as the villain alone. i've never taken away he choices. i told him what i did not want. what i didn't like...and gave him the choice to stop or not....she didn't. she just took the option away to prevent it from happening.
he didn't say anything then.
he said he didn't believe i loved him, but rather than i didn't want him to be with her.
i asked him why i would put myself through this if i didn't love him...
(i don't like pain that much...)
we sat their quietly arguing in his living room till he suddenly stood up and told me he thought i should go upstairs.
i told him to make a decision. the door opened right after that. i fled. i know his family too well than to pretend a smile with tears in my eyes.
we do this too often.
these fights. these arguments.
i had breakfast with mango right in time. to be able to talk to someone who's stood in my shoes. she has she knows what i'm going to say before i say it. her relationship with erlin. their breakup. his jennifer. and she came back...she said that the girls never leave. she just shrugged. "not until they do something that makes them never want to go back to them..."
i reminded her of myrtle beach. laying on the sand at sunset and i had asked her "do you think you're just going to end up with erlin at the end of this" she looked stung that i asked and i tried to fix the statement so it didn't sound as judgmental as she assumed, " i mean like...at the end of the day when you think of it all do you think that he's probably going to be the one that you marry. the one you have kids with...regardless of all of this."
she swore she would never. she said that she couldnt...and she flipped the story back to me...
i gave examples why i couldn't. why i wouldn't. how it could never/ would never/ simply had to not happen...
the next time we spoke i told her i was talking to aaron. she laughed. she said she was back with erlin. she said "holly i knew you were put in my life for a reason. the first time you walked into the office and we started talking about relationships i knew you were put there for a reason...."
i don't know if its positive or negative. as soon as we stopped working together we went back to what we knew in our hearts was where we'd be.
and the little lessons she told me and i refused to listen to come back some times. late at night...
"guys are going to cheat, holly. let it go. they're going to because they can and they can get away with it. it all comes down to how much you can take. and if its enough to know that at the end of the day he's going to come back to you."
i told her i would never settle for that. I would never allow that.
and now i catch myself thinking...maybe...maybe i would. maybe i would turn a blind eye...because knowing what life is like without you hurts more than knowing about this...
maybe...maybe that is what life really is.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I've been starting and closing this blog all morning. Its not just because i've been busy, but also because i can't seem to figure out what i want to say or how to say it.
i was compared to Edward Cullen last night. It actually led to a playful argument as to if i really deserved the title over that of Jacob. I mean really who wants to be the controlling vampire when you can be the easy going and lovable werewolf.
Aaron laughed about the entire situation...being a bit more comfortable with everything than i was. he reminded me of when i gave him the same name. i never remember saying it...he remember its like it was yesterday. the funny thing about aaron is he remember everything...he cane quote an entire story that i told him in passing to fill the silence 3 years ago that i never remembered telling him. i don't doubt that i said it...i'm just surprised that i did.
He told me i said it before i left. he remember its. me telling him that he was my edward and then getting out of the car. he said it was one of the last times he saw me.
he asked me..."if i'm your edward...than who is your jacob"
I wish i could remember when i said that. i wish it was crystallize din my memory like it was in his. i wish i could go back to that moment and change it.
those are words i would never want to hear...i can't believe that he had to.
its moments like this that i cant seem to remember my anger. i was so mad 4 months ago. 6 months ago. a year ago at this time. i was hurt, and bruised and angry...i wanted to punish him for everything he put me through for years and all he did was want to love me and i couldn't see it through the pain.
he would cry and i would be mad that he was even imply that he was hurting after i cried for him for so long. his tears were like salt in my wounds and i couldn't get away fast enough to save us both from the pain of it.
it was months of the two of us shouting at each other at night. yelling when we were apart just to cry when we were together...because we couldn't figure out a way to get back to how things were without giving up who we were and who we wanted to be to get there.
and everytime i turned around i would find someone pushing into my place in his heart until one day i just walked away and let him have them.
he told me he never wanted them....
but i just couldn't fight for him to love me anymore...
i know we can't just go back to how things were before. we can't pretend like time didn't pass...and i know we are both here with out eyes open and our hearts in our hands...neither willing to fall the way we had fallen before.
i won't say i gave ultimatums. he swore i did...i told him that in his mind he has created an image of me from someone else's memories...i just simply told him that i won't go back to how things were before. i won't wait 2 years to find out that i'm wasting my time. so maybe its good that we're simply taking everything one day at a time...i told him to tell me if he wanted to go...i've told him that before.
he said his ex wants to still be in his life. i asked him what that meant. not in a mean way- like a choose between her or me kind of way...but simply trying to understand what it meant to bring her into the dynamic. he shrugged. not really knowing what answer to say...
thats when i got mean. "so does that mean we're all going to hang out? go to the movie? cuddle?"
he looked at me and smiled. sly as always. i hit him for that...lol....only he can turn it into a joke.
i can't blame him for having her. for having needed her. for still caring for her after everything. she was here when he needed her here and i am thankful that she was...and bitter all at the same time.
I never really explained where all of this came from. Aaron returned a phone call yesterday...or a couple. or who knows...
and in an explanation it all turned into this.
that he'll end up with me...because i'm edward...to his bella...and her jacob
and i guess this is all an eclipse.
and it got me thinking back to reading those books. and i always read them rooting for Jacob. hoping that he would win out in the end. this was the first time i read hoping for edward...
the first time i saw myself in his character. the first time i saw it as my story...and i hoped that love...that impossible love that never should have existed was stronger than the soul mate she was born to have.
and it hurt to think of someone else as jacob.
and it hurt to think of myself as anything other than him...
and it made me rethink a lot of things.
and then he rolled over...and wrapped his arms around me...tucking my chin into his chest and kissing my forward and simply said "stay...
...i just want to hold you..."
and as always that was enough for me...
i'm sorry...i'm sorry for the entire situation...but not for the outcome. and i feel like edward in the since that i won't fight fair to keep him this time. i know what its like to be without him and i know that if feels better this way. i won't let this happen again if i can't help it...i won't let go this time...not until he tells me that there is nothing left to hold on to...
Monday, August 23, 2010
i had a dream. i think it was friday night. it was one of those dreams where you know you're dreaming...but you're just conscious enough to make changes- to notice changes- like what color i was wearing and that i knew i didn't own something like that- and that i know i'd never been here...but i seemed to know where here was...
i was at a housewarming party for one of aaron's friends. I knew where we weer but it didn't look anything like what i knew it looked like. his ex girlfriend was there and even before i saw here i knew that she was there.
we spoke in my dream...over a punch bowl which i thought was odd. not that we spoke, but the fact that there was a punch bowl at all at a man's apartment. She said "this is awkward" I agreed...then she asked me if it bothered me...to be somewhere "where no one likes you."
"no. it probably would if i had to see you more often...."
and i woke up. that was it. I told aaron about that later. how weird it was...after he told me about the party that we were invited to.
i knew it was a set up. there was no way it couldn't be...
they called to invite him on the way back from the football game. the entire family was in the car and thought it seemed a little fishy. the comments. the silence. the one sided conversation.
i waited until he said something. until he told me once we got home that there was a party going on. that we were invited, but we weren't going to go. i asked him why. i asked who was invited...already knowing the answer...but wanting to know for sure.
he said he didn't want it to be awkward. I told him it wouldn't be awkward from my point of view.
"of course because you got me in the end"
i just looked at him and didn't say anything
"its going to happen eventually. there's no way it won't...i just want some warning before it happens. i'd rather get it over with..."
he thought about. got dressed and ready and then changed his mind 5 times before we left. He got 10-12 phone calls and text messages. "come" and "don't come" and finally we ended up on our way.
we talked to fill the silence for the entire 15 minute ride. He asked me if i was going to behave. i told him i wasn't going to say a word. that nothing was going to happen and to relax.
it was awkward of course. it was meant to be. his friends made it worse...but drunken men tend to do that.
there was never a moment of silence...but at the same time i can't seem to remember anything that was said.
something about UNO. Something about Nicole. Have I met Rodman? do i want something to drink? It felt like Wade said my name 100 times during the 15 minutes we were there. It felt like my name was the only one being said.
and she was there. I knew she would be.
we stayed until it was clear we were no longer welcome. wade said he was tired and so we left. Richard left too. the drive home was quiet. filled with questions of why. why did it even happen and why did it seem the way it did and why would his friends try to create something that obviously wasn't
we talked through out the night until one or both of us fell asleep...and until the phone starting ringing at 5. it rang for the rest of the night. over and over until he turned it off and left it off until after church and the mall and the movies the next day.
he didn't know the number he said. i trust him simply because there's nothing else i can do about it.
i told him that eventually he was to going to have to pick up.
he said he didn't know what to do.
i didn't pick up all day. or not while i was there anyway. he told me when he dropped me off that he was probably going to pick up if she called again that night.
i said ok. simply ok...
and not to be different next time i saw him.
that i was afraid only because she has a way of making him think that i'm someone that i'm not...
but i had told him to call her before. i set myself up in that way. that if he wants to be with her than to go...but i'm not following my own footsteps and ending up where i was a year ago at this time.
i told him i couldn't share him. that i didn't know how...
so he called. i'm sure he did. and i'm just waiting now to see what happens from this point forward.
i guess i just have to trust that what is meant to happen will happen....and just hold on for the ride...
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
thats not a new lesson...but rather one that is come back from the memories of trevor and i sneaking into meghan's room at night to peak into her secret correspondence. the love letters between her and the boyfriend she was forbidden from seeing, but like all romantic heroes that learned to pass secret messages within hymnals and love songs within scriptures all hidden before in audience in the choir stands at church.
we each found our own ways of rebelling against the constraints of being the children of the pastor. some a little more outspoken that other.
i signed up for the direct approach before i could ever understand what that would eventually mean.
from my father i learned many things. how to tear apart arguments. how to destroy hearts. how to lie and not get caught and how to read a lie before its ever spoken. i've used about 2 of these for the majority of my life. the most important being the reading of the lies....his greatest downfall...since he taught me what eventually lead to his expose.
i tend to find men that remind me of my father- and by the time i see if i try so hard to escape my inevitable future that i'm willing to rip my own heart out to do it.
i think my biggest fear is ending up like my mother.
not that i think her weak- she's the strongest person i've ever met...but she knew her naivete. she walked in with her eyes open and hoped that the man she loved, that she believe the lord handpicked for her- would love her the way her father had loved her mother. that he would learn to be faithful and true. and that he would be dependable and honest. and that he'd be everything he said that he would be.
my grandmother cried on her wedding day.
she begged my mother not to do it. my mother didn't listen.
and 25 + years later here we are.
and every time she watches one of her daughters fall in love she shakes her head and tells us not to. she tells us to look at her example to keep our eyes wide open and give our hearts only to the lord...but each time we jump in hoping that maybe this time will be the time.
i jump in searching. looking for the flaw so that when i see it i can escape before it drags me down with it. and each time its the same. each time its someone else
and i think subconsciously each time i stand there like that little girl standing on her front porch watching her father drive away into the night hoping that this man will turn around and choose me this time.
perhaps i ask for too much. perhaps i don't ask for enough.
maybe i peg myself too short. or i place myself too high.
or maybe i'm never meant to be loved in the end.
and there are moments like last night...when i gave aaron an out again...i always do this for him- give him a way to leave without hurting either one of us...
why do you love me?
why do you love me?
umm...because i do. uh....because for someone reason i can't be without
but you were without me. why do you love me?
those are the moments that break my heart. the little whispered moments thats put nicks and cracks into case that has been taped together too many times to stand much more.
thats not a reason. to be with someone because there's no other reason is a
reason to be together. and loving someone because there's no reason to love them
isn't a reason to love in the first place.
uh...i dunno holly. i'm not really thinking right now.
and that always happens too. a year ago i told him i wanted more. i wanted to be able to talk to him. i wanted to be able have dialogue and conversation. to go places and to do things and
and it hurt him that i even said it...
and now we're back to this point again. we had switched positions for a while. where he had wanted it and now i'm here again- the constant tug of war we play with ideas.
i want more because we both deserve it that way. i don't want to be your mother and i don't want to take away your manhood. i want you simply to be a man. to be who you are...but to want to be that with me...
and for some reason that i can never quite realize....no one can be that with me.
i'm good enough to have. to walk around with and to show off...but at the end of the day...for a reason i'll never quite understand...i'm not enough to have for more...
but i can't accept less than that anymore.
i've seen what more has to offer now
and at one point i would have been ok with the crumbs of what he could give to me....but i won't accept crumbs when i can give myself jewels.
and we're back again. we always come back to here- the two of us. destined to chase after what we never can quite reach.
maybe he can reach it with another
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
i wish that were an over exaggeration...but how else to complete a bad week but to have the weekend of weekends.
i probably shouldn't say weekend since it didn't end until monday (if we could actually call that an ending or simply a line drawn in the sand...like so many other lines that I have already etched there over the years)
When it comes to Aaron I never get to say what i want to. i think its a fear of losing him. a fear that it won't come out right. or that it will. or that if it all fell apart i wouldn't know which way was up again.
aaron has always been the person to make me feel insecure...
but when i everything started to cave in last week...i don't really know what happened. all of a sudden i watched my life flash before my eyes and it was like i'd already seen it played out this way before. i'd already lived these mistakes. i'd already cried these tears...and i couldn't cry them anymore
and i laughed.
i cracked up.
even while i told meghan and she started fuming. hissing and spitting like a mother cat over the entire situation and i just couldn't get over it. even while talking to aaron i laughed. while he asked me what to do i laughed.
it took hours before i could even feel the tears.
it took days before i felt the rage
it wasn't until monday in the middle of day that everything turned from hilarious to ridiculous.
perhaps thats what i needed 4 months for. i think that maybe thats what i needed to learn. that moment where i didn't care about the consequences and i actually stood up for myself.
he tried to flip the situation. he tried to brush it under the rug.
he tried to tell me it was no big deal because he always comes back to me. i shouldn't worry because he'll always come back.
i said no. i've waited too long for you as it is and i've given you more chances than anyone deserves and i'm not settling for 1 inch less than all of you.
i not settling for less than everything
and i won't share you
you can't have us both.
he said she said that to
i told him i dont' give a fuck what she said.
he can go back to her for all i care. i never asked him to leave.
i yelled. i scolded. i passed up and down my street, not wanting my family to hear my rage as i told him exactly what i thought about this entire situation.
i thought i could wait. wait for him to outgrow his selfishness. wait for him to see what he had in front of him. wait for him to grow up and then i simply told him
i can't keep waiting for you. its not fair for any of us.
i told him that if i find out he's talking to her again...if i even think he's talking someone...if i even have an inkling that this bull shit is happening again....I'm out.
i've put up with it too long.
there will be no discussion. no warning. no arguments. no tears. no phone calls. just silence. i'm out
he said he didn't like be threatened
i told him it wasn't a threat. it was a fact.
he didn't say anything after that.
now for her...i had some choice words. another side effect of this new independence thing...
i can only thank the lord than i didn't have a car this weekend. or a phone number.... i would say that i've controlled myself enough that i don't feel this way any longer...
but i have no reason to lie in this blog.
call my baby girl one more time and i'll show you exactly how i feel about the moniker. [the rest of the content has been censored by the owner]
i'm just being spiteful...i tried to tell you...
i have stories. and details. on the usual nonsense...but today just doesn't seem like the day for any of that. maybe once my vision clears i'll be able to tell you more.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I've been trying to figure exactly what it is that i have been wanting to say to you. Its ironic because we are in the same position- or rather i've been in your position, years ago when this all began and he had someone else that had stayed and left and came back and he wasn't sure which way he wanted to go.
i ought to thank you. You said that i was able to revel in ignorance. and i did. i enjoyed 3 months of actually believing that aaron wanted only me. that aaron was willing to give up anything just to be with me and he would continuously point it out on every occasion. "you know i love you. i left her because i wanted you." the certainty in his statements were strong enough to erase the doubt that 3 years of being with him had created.
i won't lie and say that i'm surprised that you exist. there's always one like you. if it weren't you it would be someone else this i know because when you weren't answering he immediately sought the attentions of darneesha and jade and liz and anyone else that could comfort him in his times of weakness- in those moments when he thought that someone who was too good wouldn't stay.
lol...you heard that line before too...
and you decided to stay. much like several of the others had. willing to take bits and parts when you should have probably been demanding the whole...in a desperate plead that one day he'd realize that you were everything that i could never be....but i guess you didn't stop to thinking that if it weren't me, (just as if it weren't you), it would be someone else.
don't think that the lines that he's feeding you are any different than the lines i've already heard. don't think i don't hear your words repeated from his lips in angry. don't think i don't know.
don't think i'm dumb....just know that i've paid my dues. and i've worked...i've worked hard to keep someone who rarely knows which way he wants to go...and i know that times that he's shown up at my house crying begging me to stay. the times that he says he's just dumb and he didn't mean it. and that i should know he only wants me. we have forever.
it all comes down to how much you're willing to take. how much you willing to accept.
if his potential is worth the wait. if the love is strong enough. the connection. he belief that maybe it'll all turn out in the end.
it always comes down to that. the hope.
i'd greatly appreciate if you refrained from giving him advice. i'm sure you do it out of the goodness of your heart...but from one woman scorned to another...its a waste of time if you're not there constantly to back it up.
stop waiting. because there will always be another.
stop writing. its blowing up your spot.
but if all of the advice is for naught...then the most important thing i can possibly say is to simply play your role.
if he wanted you. he would be with you.
so go ahead. go hang out with the boys. finance his expenses. wait for the days that i'm not there to hang out and the phone calls after he's done talking to me...and stay there. and don't want for more.
its a waste of time.
enjoy the little hand outs that he's willing to give. because at the end of the day- when he's done playing these games and telling you what you want to hear so you can tell him what he does....he comes home to me.
and you can wait and have him when i'm done...if that ever happens. patience is a virtue they say. and then you both can talk about all the times you missed and how horrible i was...and know that he'll be probably be calling me then to....
i guess thats all for now.
have fun at the football game in october. i'm sure it'll be amazing.
oh and p.s. i really like your blog