atlantic city

honey...my problem isn't with you..

you're just another girl in a passing stream. you're just a chess piece in this game aaron is playing with his friends. you could easily be replaced with someone else.

its simply the fact that the game is still going that confuses me. i'm not worried about you...other than the fact that you keep placing yourself in situations where you continuously get hurt. i don't know why you do...if this is going to be how things continue to be at least i'll know in advance. . . . . .

hell what's your address? i'll send you a personal invite to the baby shower. . don't get it twisted. . please. .

my problem is with someone else entirely... now keep writing about my online...then we might have to talk... you let me know...eh? . .

xoxo .

-Holly . . .

question: "ur marrying him...why are you still worried about me?"
. answer: "i'm not. but i'm marrying him...so why are you still chasing after him like a bitch in heat?

about to make it pour

So I have this crazy idea that is probably going to get me into a lot of trouble. maybe it's because i'm selfish. maybe it's because i'm protective. maybe it's because as soon as i think of being a mother i turn into a hippie mama bear... but i think i want my kid off of facebook. 10 years ago that wouldn't even have been an issue. 5 years ago it would have been innovative to put them online. now its so over played...i want them off. my niece is a facebook celebrity. her face has been splashed across the cover page since she was right out of the womb. she has a daily update and probably followers. i feel like if i googled her names she'd have more hits than i do... i don't want that for my child. i feel like if you want to see her you can come see her. if you want to see pictures we'll upload pictures. do i want albums upon albums of her face copied and pasted on the internet. no i think i might start another blogger. i nicer one that doesn't deal with the feelings and emotions on certain things. have something dedicated to her that ppl can see. they can click into it and view the new comings and going. see what she's eaten, what she likes...but they can't take anything back. read: no right clicking. if you want a picture you better ask for one i want the number of pictures of her limited on facebook. there are too many ppl on there who i don't want in my or her life. maybe once in a while. maybe occassionally. on holidays or birthdays...but everyday. no and even then i want to know before you start posting pictures of her. i know a lot of people who aren't going to like that. well i push her out...i make the rules. if aaron wants to post pictures, ok. if i do. fine...but i'm not having a family of 75 that only want to be in her life for the novelty factor shooting of reams of pictures for ppl i don't know and who have nothign to do with us to see. the internet is public domain, i understand that. you can't copyright something that's not published...you can't hide anything on facebook. well i won't let her life be ruined by some picture someone else posted. its going to be a long talk that i have to have with her father...and a longer one with my family... but its not up for discussion. i'm her mother.... we're her parents the end

i think i might kill my MIL...

I had a shorter post earlier this morning, but i thought it might be better to expand a little.

I have nothing against Mother-in-Law.

I can't judge her parenting style or her life choices...or I can, but I'm going to choose not to for this entry...or this sentence. She raised two children to majority without any major mishaps. She lives comfortably with her family and she take care of her business... We got along fine for years.

Even when Bear-Bear and I weren't together MIL and I still spoke. We still caught up on major holidays, I sent pictures of my niece to her. I even hung out at her house on several occasions.

Everything was honky dory...until i found out i was pregnant... ::que the horror music:: in the beginning it was just little things. i told her i was pregnant and she lectured me as everyone was doing...i expected it...i let her with just a nod and silence.

then when BF told her she hugged and soothed and told him how everything was going to be ok. then she wanted a sit down with my mother and myself and her and aaron. ok fine...get your words out. she lectured, we assumed more for aaron than for me. i didn't take it seriously. i had already heard the talk. i already knew what she'd say. but there was a moment when things began to change

"i'm here for you both, aaron, you know that. i'm here for you emotionally...but not financially"

hmm...that one rubbed me the wrong way.

i'm not one to ask for things...unless i'm at a bar and want a drink...and even then i don't really ask for it.

i don't depend on ppl financially and i really haven't since i went to college. when we found out i was pregnant aaron and i were planning on moving out. we had a place. we just needed to sign the paper work. then this happened and i decided i wanted to save everything instead. we didn't ask for any money from either one of them. we didn't even ask for a place to stay...but the first thing she thinks to say in front of my mother is she's not here for us financially... my mother even mentioned it.

"hmm...thats strange," she said later. "You're my child. I will help you as much as I can..."

I let it slide and didn't say anything. then later when we were joking around, MIL and SIL and i...she started telling me everything i needed to put on it. she emphasized 2 car seats and 2 strollers... no thats not necessary. i know aaron and he's not going to have a car seat in his car if there isn't a baby in it...and he's not going to push a stroller when he can just carry her...she disagreed saying we'd need two. noo...we're just going to get 1

"well i want a stroller and a car seat for over here"

::silence::

i walked away.

i tend to do that a lot recently.

"so are you going to be grandma or GG?"
"no i'm not going to be grandma..."
while cringing "ok so what are you going to be?"
"well all the kids call my mom Mama..."
"oh..the great grandma...::blank stare::..."
"so i think i'll do that too"
"umm what...i dunno about that. 3 mamas...no i don't think so"
"yeah...i don't want to be grandma...i'll be mama"

::silence::

walks away

"the hospital you go to is horrible. you should have the baby at the hospital where i work"
"no, thanks...i like my hospital"
"but aaron was born there...then him and his daughter could both be born there"
"i was born in CA...but my baby isn't going to be born there..."

walks away

"i've chose the baby shower colors. i'm sure i want purple"
"no you should have pink"
"no...my sisters was pink and i didn't like it. i've decided on purple"
"no...it should be pink"

walks away

"did you make up that name for the baby"
"no its actually a name. it means [insert meaning]"
"hmmm...i dunno about that...maybe it'll grow on me.."

walks away

she's starting to blow me...i don't really know how to handle her from this point. aaron wants to keep things fair. what my mother knows he thinks his mother should.

my mother name is part of baby's middle name so his mother name should be as well [denied].

it just keeps going. i'm going to stop telling him things till we move in together...her influence is just too strong... i never thought i'd have one of those MIL that i would dread...but i'm going to... i don't think she realizes that after 4 years of knowing me i'm not going to be the push over she think i will...she'll ever move over or be walked over...but i'm not competing for first place when i've already won...

that was harsh...but fuck it...

we have 18 more years of this shit to go...