I was late for work today.
dreadfully late for work.
so late i actually considered calling in sick, before realizing i'm still in my 3 month probationary period- thus i've only accrued 6 sick hours- not enough to take a day off....so i came in.
my battery was dead. its becoming a habit of mine to leave the lights on on my car- like i'm testing the fates to see if maybe, just maybe they'll let me off once.
they never do.
i had to call AAA and i got in an argument with the woman who swore there was an address to the parking lot i was sitting in, and then acted like i was lying about my membership because i didn't know my father's address...i almost asked to speak to her supervisor. . . . i controlled myself somehow and didn't.
but i wanted to.
now i'm here with absolutely nothing to do. as usual. i kind of wish i'd just slept in and came in late- at least then i wouldn't be nodding off right now.
switching topics. I was going through one of the many boxes from school that i never unpacked and found yet another vault of poems and letters. talk about too soon. I'd almost forgotten about these ones. but in my heart i knew there were more.
they stole my heart all over again.
more than they had the first time
they broke my heart this time too.
there was so much more there- that i didn't allow myself to see the first time. so much more meaning in each syllable. so much more heart in each word.
i wonder how i responded then.
i wonder how i'd respond now.
i told tosin. she told me to burn them so they wouldn't make me cry.
the thought of doing that made me cry harder.
so i hid them from myself instead. in a terribly inconvenient place where i probably won't go into for months- maybe years.
she asked me what i'd do when i did. i said i'd probably cry all over again. but i didn't want to think about that now. just taking each second as each second comes.
my sister said that that was his game. those were his lines. he used the same on her 3 years later. the same on others months later. i shouldn't let it get to me. but i don't know if i'm really mad at him . . . . or at myself. at my own fear. my own insecurity.
i want to say what happened was meant to happen. but i feel like that fox in that fable who swore the grapes were sour just because he couldn't reach them.
i wish i remembered the moral of that tale
but if we were together would he have grown? would i have? would we have stay where we were? would we still be? would we have loves? would we have gotten hurt? where would i be now?
who would i be now?
i did what i thought would keep us all safe.
i thought if we did try- than in the end he would leave- we wouldn't even be friends at the end of the story
ironically we had the same result- just without the middle . . . . .
. . . .so at the end was it all in vain?