Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

are you ready?

i went out with Bran yesterday. Its nothing out of the ordinary. we've been having movie dates for the last 5 years...but it feels like things are changing...and the thought kind of terrifies me

my mother was actually awake when he came to pick me up. so was anneliese, so he finally got to meet her. she didn't hate him. thats the affect Bran has on people. no one can hate him. its not possible.

my mother has loved bran since the first moment she saw him. i had forgotten how long it was since she's seen him, since i've seen him every year (minus the 2 we don't speak of) and i guess i've become accustomed to him in that way. she couldn't stop gushing over the changed i've never noticed.

oh my goodness. you've grown. look Meghan, look how tall he is. But you
still have that baby face. awww, Bran, you're so cute. still cute, you were
always so cute

he laughed. in that good natured way that is brandon.

oh my goodness. listen to your voice. its gotten so deep. Meghan, did you hear
how deep his voice is...

i never noticed, but i guess thats how it goes. you don't notice something right in front of you. you don't see the subtle changes until someone else points them out.

this morning my mother told me she'd date Bran if she was my age

what? a handsome black man going places, are you kidding me? yeah i'd date him.
he's a catch. i don't know what's wrong with you...you need to scoop that up...

my sister even gave me the eye.

i don't know what has come over everyone.

i told my mother the thought terrified me.

what if it doesn't work out...then not only have i lost him...i've lost my
best friend

she looked at me, as serious as she's ever been

than don't let them...

as if it were that easy.

the situation between the two of us has been so complicated it would take years to untangle them all. but it all comes down to the basic fact that

he deserves better

and i don't know if he knows it, but i do and thats scarier than anything else. that if he were to ever realize that it would break my heart.

i usually avoid situations like this. running from people that i consider better than me. smarter than me, doing more than i could possibly imagine doing...if you're a faithful reader you've probably already figured that out. my insecurity probably stems from the Bran situation. the constant knowing that his waiting was more than i could ever deserve.

more than anyone could


i dunno

it scares me

to be so vulnerable in that way

i;d prefer my vulnerability in putting too much faith in people. expecting too much for them. wanting too much. waiting too long

i prefer to be the bran in my relationships

i'm absolutely terrified to be the me there

and to be expected of.

to both want more....

but who ever said growing up was ever going to be easy?

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