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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

naive and jaded all at once

i had a long talk with my brother last night. its interesting that we keep having these talks.. its been so long since i actually had a conversation with my brother.

he's been gone for so long. literally and figuratively speaking

its nice to have him back

we were talking about relationships. the purpose of them. the importance of them.
the need.

we see things differently- which is to be expected coming from two genders

and after the age of 16 two completely different households,

but its funny what we do think is similar.

he was surprised that i agreed with him on the things i did. was shocked by what i refuted. but we always play verbal chess. i always win, he always tries....but it keeps our discussion skills a bit higher than the average person...my family prides itself on our intelligence...thus we spend most of our time challenging each other

it makes for great family gatherings

anyway. my brother looks at relationship as mergers. i guess thats bound to happen when you're in school too long and all you talk about all day is business.

he explained to my the game theory. that the only way someone is going to stay in a relationship is if there is a strong enough incentive for them to remain there.

i asked him about love

or comfort

or protection

he said you could get those anywhere...hell he had a comforter that did all of those

love isn't enough to stay married

I explained that what he talked about- this incentive- we don't have that in American society. I don't need to stay with anyone. i can do it all by myself. in other cultures perhaps that would work

he agreed. he said that marriage went down with women's rights

he expected me to refute it

i didn't.

when women didn't have a choice of course they were forced to remain married.

now there's not point for me to get married- other than my own need to be with someone

he said Need. thats the only way you'll stay there. and if you don't need it you won't

need that other person to be whole...

i asked him
were ever in a relationship that once it was over you didn't know who you were anymore


so there's the difference. i have. i never want to be there again. where he feels like he needs me to be him. and i'm nothing alone. i don't want to be needed like that again. i never want to feel like that again

when you go into a relationship you should be able to stand on your own two feet alone

he was silent

i guess we both have our own relationship issues

naive where we should be jaded

jaded where we should be naive

my family is made up of contradictions

we ended up just agreeing to disagree...

but it was nice to see the world through his eyes for a night

1 comment:

  1. i had a conversation just like this the other day... maybe not a conversation; maybe it was me just writing down my thoughts. Either way optimistically speaking shouldn't love be the incentive. Real Love. Yes a comforter can keep you warm, comfort you, protect you, but it can't love you...

    The whole idea of being jaded and naive also hits home in negative way. I have no experience to speak of in the ways of relationships, but I've realized that I'm terrified of men. TERRIFIED! They're monsters. And the rational side of my brain says "no not everyone is like that," and "there are good guys out there," but what I've been exposed to on the regular makes me think otherwise. My father is the best kind of man out there. My brothers, I respect them... but to be jaded. I've been on the sidelines of such brutal trash talk for years. Simply years. Being a young person with a mature mind gives you preview to many adult situations and conversations I now wish I wasn't exposed to. The relationship between my mother and father speaks strong to the idea that it can be done... but for some reason none of that matters. I've seen too much of the other side.

    ... and then you get to the need... the optimism, the hope. That part of me still lives, still wants a chance. I'm still young it could happen. but, I'm a contradiction. I desperately want what terrifies me.