i said yes...i went to high school with this girl named Adrian...why was she talking shit?
of course she was...why did i even ask
supposedly she said how i used to be really cool until i started dating this guy and then i lost my mind.
i laughed
cracked up that something that happened 5 years ago was still showing up wherever i turned. it was hilarious in its simplicity
that no matter how far you go...you can't escape your past. and it was such a past...
i hit up Brandon. I had to tell him. I had to tell someone. Matt wouldn't understand, Ryan isn't a reliable enough penpal...and i don't talk to anyone else who would know. would understand.
who'd laugh
he didn't. i should have expected that. i should have known my hidden anger would be expressed in him. he was furious.
explosions of anger
WTF. That was 5 years ago!
i told him i was mad. that it was funny that she would say anything. she wasn't even there when everything went down. it didn't matter...
it was one of those moments we both realized that something would never change. somethings were ingrained in what people thought of us. years and years later.
and its funny that this all came about after i found my xanga. after i started to remember. but let me go back. come with me and see where this all started.
. . . .
I was 16 when i met them both. Ryan and Brandon. I met them and had no idea that they knew each other...but i probably should have. they reminded me of each other. the little things they said. the little ways they acted. but i didn't know.
My father had started acting crazy and i didn't make the field hockey team and 100 other things that ruin the lives of teenagers had my signing up to manage the football team at my high school. I was notoriously shy with people i didn't know, so i don't know how i got myself to do it...but i did. it was me, a tall skinny girl named bonnie and a tall round one name Ana and that was it. the 3 of us where ever they went. whatever they did.
Bonnie fit in better. she knew them. she had been a manager for 2 years already and she loved the team and they loved her. they accomodated Ana because she was a part of the packaged deal. it was a different kind of love i guess. Bonnie, a girl they could chill with and take home to mom, Ana who could chill. and me...who stayed on the outskirts...but was a part of the team eventually.
Ryan was on the team too. I don't know when i noticed him. when we first spoke. he was a running back. not because he loved football, but because he hated cross country and had to stay in shape for track- his true passion.
he was what all high school crushes were made of. tall and chocolate with a smile like sunshine...and innocence. or what i thought was innocence. and i was lost. hopeless lost in everything that made up
him.
i knew my role. as friend. i knew he had a gf. not at first, but eventually. the on again off again relationship that made up his identity at school. but it was always there. in the back of my mind...but i was used to being the little sister.
i don't know when he got my number, but he never called. he'd text though. that was when i couldn't text back. and i'd wait all day until football practice when it was just him and i on the sidelines.
our little inside jokes. our little laughs. our secret smiles....everything and nothing. and heaven.
i met brandon in class. he sat behind me in physics. he was what bestfriends were made of. tall, and sturdy and honest. loyal to a fault. and knowledge, where ryans innocence was. and laughter to mask the pain that was always gently hidden inbig brown eyes.
i turned around one day and saw his sketch book and was intrigued by him. intrigued with what made up
him...
he always could make me laugh. always had a story. and always was looking and watching and knowing.
it's so long ago i can't tell you how i found out that they knew each other. i can't tell you how little things turned out and became what they did. but it was them. the two best friends and me....and it changed everything the 3 of us.
i went to prom with Brandon. Asked him because i liked him and i knew we'd have fun.
it was the same week Ryan sent me a letter. he told me he always wished we'd been together. that he wasn't happy with her. that he'd always care about me
we all sat in the same limo. all three of us. with dates and extra.
and after prom brandon told me he loved me
and after graduation i started dating ryan
in the selfish innocent way of children. i wanted. so i had. and i apologized every stop of the way. but i wanted to love too. i wanted to know what it felt like to be loved....
it was only 6months. maybe 3 of actually being together before he left for school. he broke up with me in january. i was heart broken until june when i met tyler and tried to make him everything ryan could never be.
and i'd come home for summers and find my brandon. my sweet brandon. the only one i ever come back to. the only one i ever apologize too. the only real constant in my life.
and i ran away to mcdaniel to get away from the glares i received. the judgement fromt he people i went to school with. remember the day Davon and i talked
i thought you hated me
i didn't hate. i was disappointed
in me?
i never thought you'd do something like that.
but i guess it doesn't matter how far you run... it all came back at a wedding. years later. by a girl who actually had gradauted before anything went down.
and some how i ended up the guilty party all over again. but i've learned to keep my life a little quieter these days. I don't date people others know...and i don't tell people who i'm friends with...and i never let go of the people who matter.
and i know that brandon is too good for me...and deserves so much better than me. and ryan will always be my first love...no matter how many times i hate him.
and that i'm still me at the end of the day...
and i will never regret that
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