well i started going out after my last relationship. I started dragging Isata with me and she slowly starting giving pointers....without realizing she was. more like "if he can dance with you he can buy you a drink." or "don't do something stupid because you don't know who's watching you...and someone's always watching." "Never give your number out...always take their number. then you can choose if you want to talk to them or not" and "never pay to get into the club. they should be paying us to go." little things that i actually started reciting back to her when we went out on saturday. she couldn't stop laughing that i had remembered all the little things she said in passing.
my sister was pregnant when i finally became single. All those times she had asked me to go out with her and she wanted to do things i always said no to stay with some bf and as soon as she can't go out anymore i'm single...she was a little bitter about that. but her pointers are a bit more elegant...eloquent "people like us...with integrity tend to give too much of ourselves without meaning to. be careful. be wary. have a game plan" and "don't reach for your purse...i know i do it all the time because we were raised to take care of ourselves...but men need to know that we expect more of them than to pay for ourselves...you can still be independent and have standards" all of her lessons come with stories. the before and the after. what she used to do...what she learned...and now what she expects.
my standards have always been so low. without meaning to be. I just always thought that if i loved hard enough everything else would fall into place.
and i'm not saying thats wrong.
but i am saying thats how you get walked on.
and i've been walked on a lot.
i put on make up likewar paintbefore i go out.and when i wash it off isecretly............hopesome of my own insecuritieswill wipe away as welli create a maskstrongerthan who i think i amwithout fearsor caresor thought of what tomorrowwill bringand peoplesilencein her presencethey..............stopand she sway with the powershe has over them......................................a..............l.................li wish i felt thatway onmonday
sometimes you've just got to learn the hard way