Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Friday, September 3, 2010

you know its almost fall...

when old friends start popping out of the woodwork. and mornings are darker when text messages come in from strangers bringing up memories of when you once called them friends.

thats seems to happen more often these days...much like last year at this time. when suddenly people i hadn't seen in years became the center of my existence for the few months after graduation where i couldn't figure out where my feet should land.

talking to jemar always makes the world flip around a little. even the first time we spoke, in the middle of a group interview, where i couldn't figure out how i was supposed to answer i looked up and saw a behemoth trying not to laugh at me from across a conference room and it just seemed as if he'd always been there...right on the edges of my stories for year.

we weer good friends simply because we didn't know how to be anything else. and as all good friends we vanish for years simply to walk back in and act as if we'd never left.

::word on the street is that you hate me. but as you know i'm not from the street
so i wanted to ask you myself::

he always gets straight to the point.

he sent a short straight to the point message. he asked questions about things we had once talked about. he questioned my future plans. he asked about my family.

and he never gave me an option to disappear

::you don't have to friend me on facebook. i understand....but please respond::

it took me a couple of hours to find the wording to tell him to never contact me again. the way i had in march and february and december and november.

when he proved to be less of a friend than i needed him to be.

instead i said

::oh the streets...how i love hearing what they have to save about me.
i don't hate you- simply because i don't see you enough to remember to::

i answered his question. i didn't add any of my own. i told him what the streets had remarked about him.

and only inquired once about his dog....

he's that friend that will probably always hop in and out as is convenient for him. like brandon...but...inconsequential in comparison.

i think shared tears make people bond for life.

and though i wish we'd never had those moments. those calls where i sobbed asking him why my love couldn't love me...and he'd tell me the male point of view and tell me to buck up...but would call back two days later to make sure i was ok.

and the day funeral when i first saw his shoulder slump. standing beside the hearse, surrounded by his teammates, but a head above the crowd...i saw a quiver go down his spine....i don't know how i made it to him. i had been almost a block away when i saw him break. the team was crowding around...people were everywhere and couldn't even be seen above the crowd...but i remember making it there and just stopping. and looking at him as he hung his head down. the first time i saw that giant of a man let his chin fall and i didn't know what else to do but hug him.

he told me a year later, laughing, that it felt like a child wrapped around his knees...but i remember hearing him gasp for air between his sobs. his hand covering his face while he held on to me as if a drowning man seeking land...

none of his teammate speak about that day. but i remember it. i remember when i let go turning and seeing other reach out for me. for comfort that no one else was there to give.

i think the sealed our place in each others lives.

that moment.

those moments

at funerals.

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