i had a dream. i think it was friday night. it was one of those dreams where you know you're dreaming...but you're just conscious enough to make changes- to notice changes- like what color i was wearing and that i knew i didn't own something like that- and that i know i'd never been here...but i seemed to know where here was...
i was at a housewarming party for one of aaron's friends. I knew where we weer but it didn't look anything like what i knew it looked like. his ex girlfriend was there and even before i saw here i knew that she was there.
we spoke in my dream...over a punch bowl which i thought was odd. not that we spoke, but the fact that there was a punch bowl at all at a man's apartment. She said "this is awkward" I agreed...then she asked me if it bothered me...to be somewhere "where no one likes you."
"no. it probably would if i had to see you more often...."
and i woke up. that was it. I told aaron about that later. how weird it was...after he told me about the party that we were invited to.
i knew it was a set up. there was no way it couldn't be...
they called to invite him on the way back from the football game. the entire family was in the car and thought it seemed a little fishy. the comments. the silence. the one sided conversation.
i waited until he said something. until he told me once we got home that there was a party going on. that we were invited, but we weren't going to go. i asked him why. i asked who was invited...already knowing the answer...but wanting to know for sure.
he said he didn't want it to be awkward. I told him it wouldn't be awkward from my point of view.
"of course because you got me in the end"
i just looked at him and didn't say anything
"its going to happen eventually. there's no way it won't...i just want some warning before it happens. i'd rather get it over with..."
he thought about. got dressed and ready and then changed his mind 5 times before we left. He got 10-12 phone calls and text messages. "come" and "don't come" and finally we ended up on our way.
we talked to fill the silence for the entire 15 minute ride. He asked me if i was going to behave. i told him i wasn't going to say a word. that nothing was going to happen and to relax.
it was awkward of course. it was meant to be. his friends made it worse...but drunken men tend to do that.
there was never a moment of silence...but at the same time i can't seem to remember anything that was said.
something about UNO. Something about Nicole. Have I met Rodman? do i want something to drink? It felt like Wade said my name 100 times during the 15 minutes we were there. It felt like my name was the only one being said.
and she was there. I knew she would be.
we stayed until it was clear we were no longer welcome. wade said he was tired and so we left. Richard left too. the drive home was quiet. filled with questions of why. why did it even happen and why did it seem the way it did and why would his friends try to create something that obviously wasn't
we talked through out the night until one or both of us fell asleep...and until the phone starting ringing at 5. it rang for the rest of the night. over and over until he turned it off and left it off until after church and the mall and the movies the next day.
he didn't know the number he said. i trust him simply because there's nothing else i can do about it.
i told him that eventually he was to going to have to pick up.
he said he didn't know what to do.
i didn't pick up all day. or not while i was there anyway. he told me when he dropped me off that he was probably going to pick up if she called again that night.
i said ok. simply ok...
and not to be different next time i saw him.
that i was afraid only because she has a way of making him think that i'm someone that i'm not...
but i had told him to call her before. i set myself up in that way. that if he wants to be with her than to go...but i'm not following my own footsteps and ending up where i was a year ago at this time.
i told him i couldn't share him. that i didn't know how...
so he called. i'm sure he did. and i'm just waiting now to see what happens from this point forward.
i guess i just have to trust that what is meant to happen will happen....and just hold on for the ride...
i just wish i could skip to the last page of this story
and know how it all