I've been starting and closing this blog all morning. Its not just because i've been busy, but also because i can't seem to figure out what i want to say or how to say it.
i was compared to Edward Cullen last night. It actually led to a playful argument as to if i really deserved the title over that of Jacob. I mean really who wants to be the controlling vampire when you can be the easy going and lovable werewolf.
Aaron laughed about the entire situation...being a bit more comfortable with everything than i was. he reminded me of when i gave him the same name. i never remember saying it...he remember its like it was yesterday. the funny thing about aaron is he remember everything...he cane quote an entire story that i told him in passing to fill the silence 3 years ago that i never remembered telling him. i don't doubt that i said it...i'm just surprised that i did.
He told me i said it before i left. he remember its. me telling him that he was my edward and then getting out of the car. he said it was one of the last times he saw me.
he asked me..."if i'm your edward...than who is your jacob"
I wish i could remember when i said that. i wish it was crystallize din my memory like it was in his. i wish i could go back to that moment and change it.
those are words i would never want to hear...i can't believe that he had to.
its moments like this that i cant seem to remember my anger. i was so mad 4 months ago. 6 months ago. a year ago at this time. i was hurt, and bruised and angry...i wanted to punish him for everything he put me through for years and all he did was want to love me and i couldn't see it through the pain.
he would cry and i would be mad that he was even imply that he was hurting after i cried for him for so long. his tears were like salt in my wounds and i couldn't get away fast enough to save us both from the pain of it.
it was months of the two of us shouting at each other at night. yelling when we were apart just to cry when we were together...because we couldn't figure out a way to get back to how things were without giving up who we were and who we wanted to be to get there.
and everytime i turned around i would find someone pushing into my place in his heart until one day i just walked away and let him have them.
he told me he never wanted them....
but i just couldn't fight for him to love me anymore...
i know we can't just go back to how things were before. we can't pretend like time didn't pass...and i know we are both here with out eyes open and our hearts in our hands...neither willing to fall the way we had fallen before.
i won't say i gave ultimatums. he swore i did...i told him that in his mind he has created an image of me from someone else's memories...i just simply told him that i won't go back to how things were before. i won't wait 2 years to find out that i'm wasting my time. so maybe its good that we're simply taking everything one day at a time...i told him to tell me if he wanted to go...i've told him that before.
he said his ex wants to still be in his life. i asked him what that meant. not in a mean way- like a choose between her or me kind of way...but simply trying to understand what it meant to bring her into the dynamic. he shrugged. not really knowing what answer to say...
thats when i got mean. "so does that mean we're all going to hang out? go to the movie? cuddle?"
he looked at me and smiled. sly as always. i hit him for that...lol....only he can turn it into a joke.
i can't blame him for having her. for having needed her. for still caring for her after everything. she was here when he needed her here and i am thankful that she was...and bitter all at the same time.
I never really explained where all of this came from. Aaron returned a phone call yesterday...or a couple. or who knows...
and in an explanation it all turned into this.
that he'll end up with me...because i'm edward...to his bella...and her jacob
and i guess this is all an eclipse.
and it got me thinking back to reading those books. and i always read them rooting for Jacob. hoping that he would win out in the end. this was the first time i read hoping for edward...
the first time i saw myself in his character. the first time i saw it as my story...and i hoped that love...that impossible love that never should have existed was stronger than the soul mate she was born to have.
and it hurt to think of someone else as jacob.
and it hurt to think of myself as anything other than him...
and it made me rethink a lot of things.
and then he rolled over...and wrapped his arms around me...tucking my chin into his chest and kissing my forward and simply said "stay...
...i just want to hold you..."
and as always that was enough for me...
i'm sorry...i'm sorry for the entire situation...but not for the outcome. and i feel like edward in the since that i won't fight fair to keep him this time. i know what its like to be without him and i know that if feels better this way. i won't let this happen again if i can't help it...i won't let go this time...not until he tells me that there is nothing left to hold on to...