Deja vu

so i found a blog yesterday....just surfing the web and being nosey as most females....scratch that....most people are on random days of when they have a feeling they're missing something.

i fond a blog that had me in it.

and i didn't quite know what to do....

at first i thought it was nothing. just the angry ramblings of a girl scorned...but i kept reading about things she couldn't have known about. things he shouldn't have said. and suddenly i watched a tunnel appear before my eyes mapping out my future in these endless moments of realization that always occur when i'm with you.

i wrote an entry yesterday.

on my computer at work that i considered posting...but at the last minute stopped and changed it entirely to what i actually poster. i stopped myself from listing my fears and doubts and concerns because i thought they were all for naught. that i would actually get myself to do what he's been asking me to do. i would try. i would trust him even though he had never given me a reason to in the first place.

and i came home and realized i probably should i have just followed my gut all along.

i emailed him the link. i couldn't find a slicker way of telling him. and he called and i told him to check his mail. and he asked why and i told him to just do it. stuck in this weird place where i couldn't stop laughing and finding humor in the entire situation.

it was like 2 years ago...when i found out about darneesha. when i was sitting on the floor next to him while he slept and his phone went off and i glanced over and saw my name....

and i cried. and i begged. and screamed. and i was with him the next day.

anyway. back to where we were. he started asking all these questions. flipping the situation to it being me for searching. and who was i going to believe him or her? and obviously she's crazy and she's lying. i have to see that.

and i just started reading things to him. things that she said that she couldn't have known. things he said that i've heard him say before.

and he tried to come up with an arguing point.

he tried.

and when he couldn't try anymore he said he didn't like being interrogated.

i told him i wasn't interrogating. the floor was open. i wasn't asking questions. i was reading.

he came up with reasons for everything. he called once. he never went over. he only said that to get her off the phone. he never told her he loved her. he never loved her....

on and on and i listened.

and waited for him to slip...which he did.

and i heard about his plans to go to a football game with her in october. and how he spoke to her 2 weeks ago and that was why he flipped. everytime he snaps its because he speaks to her he said. that all he wanted was to have me and still be friends with her and just not tell me.

i don't tell you stuff because i know you'll be mad....

i've told you before that i'd rather hear them from you...i get mad because i hear them from everyone else.

he said he didn't know what to do

i told him i couldn't tell him what.

the ball was in his court as always.

the phone died at some point and ashley came to pick me up.

he called twice more throughout the evening to tell me about getting my car fixed tomorrow. and that he'd see me in the am

i said ok. i've been waiting for him to call his friends about that for a while.

i won't lie and say that i know what to do. ranting to ashley i had such a plan. such an idea. i laughed as i told her the story and she asked. no. she stated

you love him

ha...yeah. but i'm not retarded.

or maybe i am because he constantly treats me like i must be.

i remember talking to his mother and she said that aaron couldn't keep going back and forth...and i brushed the comment aside not understand what she meant.

now i do.

and through the blog she talks about texts. but i wonder who's phone he's using there.

i'm trying to lay all my egg in a row. see what i have. what i could have. what i should let go...and have a plan before i see him

because right now i'm standing on a stone in an ocean before a storm and i have no way out...

he said gaby told him that if he was going to be with me he could never talk to her again. he said he knew.

i guess he just didn't listened.

i guess he just doesn't know what he wants.

lets see what he says today. after talking to his friends. after talking to her. lets see what angle he takes.

lord, please protect me...please help