Dear Miss L,
I've been trying to figure exactly what it is that i have been wanting to say to you. Its ironic because we are in the same position- or rather i've been in your position, years ago when this all began and he had someone else that had stayed and left and came back and he wasn't sure which way he wanted to go.
i ought to thank you. You said that i was able to revel in ignorance. and i did. i enjoyed 3 months of actually believing that aaron wanted only me. that aaron was willing to give up anything just to be with me and he would continuously point it out on every occasion. "you know i love you. i left her because i wanted you." the certainty in his statements were strong enough to erase the doubt that 3 years of being with him had created.
i won't lie and say that i'm surprised that you exist. there's always one like you. if it weren't you it would be someone else this i know because when you weren't answering he immediately sought the attentions of darneesha and jade and liz and anyone else that could comfort him in his times of weakness- in those moments when he thought that someone who was too good wouldn't stay.
lol...you heard that line before too...
and you decided to stay. much like several of the others had. willing to take bits and parts when you should have probably been demanding the whole...in a desperate plead that one day he'd realize that you were everything that i could never be....but i guess you didn't stop to thinking that if it weren't me, (just as if it weren't you), it would be someone else.
don't think that the lines that he's feeding you are any different than the lines i've already heard. don't think i don't hear your words repeated from his lips in angry. don't think i don't know.
don't think i'm dumb....just know that i've paid my dues. and i've worked...i've worked hard to keep someone who rarely knows which way he wants to go...and i know that times that he's shown up at my house crying begging me to stay. the times that he says he's just dumb and he didn't mean it. and that i should know he only wants me. we have forever.
it all comes down to how much you're willing to take. how much you willing to accept.
if his potential is worth the wait. if the love is strong enough. the connection. he belief that maybe it'll all turn out in the end.
it always comes down to that. the hope.
i'd greatly appreciate if you refrained from giving him advice. i'm sure you do it out of the goodness of your heart...but from one woman scorned to another...its a waste of time if you're not there constantly to back it up.
stop waiting. because there will always be another.
stop writing. its blowing up your spot.
but if all of the advice is for naught...then the most important thing i can possibly say is to simply play your role.
if he wanted you. he would be with you.
so go ahead. go hang out with the boys. finance his expenses. wait for the days that i'm not there to hang out and the phone calls after he's done talking to me...and stay there. and don't want for more.
its a waste of time.
enjoy the little hand outs that he's willing to give. because at the end of the day- when he's done playing these games and telling you what you want to hear so you can tell him what he does....he comes home to me.
and you can wait and have him when i'm done...if that ever happens. patience is a virtue they say. and then you both can talk about all the times you missed and how horrible i was...and know that he'll be probably be calling me then to....
i guess thats all for now.
have fun at the football game in october. i'm sure it'll be amazing.
oh and p.s. i really like your blog