thats not a new lesson...but rather one that is come back from the memories of trevor and i sneaking into meghan's room at night to peak into her secret correspondence. the love letters between her and the boyfriend she was forbidden from seeing, but like all romantic heroes that learned to pass secret messages within hymnals and love songs within scriptures all hidden before in audience in the choir stands at church.
we each found our own ways of rebelling against the constraints of being the children of the pastor. some a little more outspoken that other.
i signed up for the direct approach before i could ever understand what that would eventually mean.
from my father i learned many things. how to tear apart arguments. how to destroy hearts. how to lie and not get caught and how to read a lie before its ever spoken. i've used about 2 of these for the majority of my life. the most important being the reading of the lies....his greatest downfall...since he taught me what eventually lead to his expose.
i tend to find men that remind me of my father- and by the time i see if i try so hard to escape my inevitable future that i'm willing to rip my own heart out to do it.
i think my biggest fear is ending up like my mother.
not that i think her weak- she's the strongest person i've ever met...but she knew her naivete. she walked in with her eyes open and hoped that the man she loved, that she believe the lord handpicked for her- would love her the way her father had loved her mother. that he would learn to be faithful and true. and that he would be dependable and honest. and that he'd be everything he said that he would be.
my grandmother cried on her wedding day.
she begged my mother not to do it. my mother didn't listen.
and 25 + years later here we are.
and every time she watches one of her daughters fall in love she shakes her head and tells us not to. she tells us to look at her example to keep our eyes wide open and give our hearts only to the lord...but each time we jump in hoping that maybe this time will be the time.
i jump in searching. looking for the flaw so that when i see it i can escape before it drags me down with it. and each time its the same. each time its someone else
and i think subconsciously each time i stand there like that little girl standing on her front porch watching her father drive away into the night hoping that this man will turn around and choose me this time.
perhaps i ask for too much. perhaps i don't ask for enough.
maybe i peg myself too short. or i place myself too high.
or maybe i'm never meant to be loved in the end.
and there are moments like last night...when i gave aaron an out again...i always do this for him- give him a way to leave without hurting either one of us...
why do you love me?
why do you love me?
umm...because i do. uh....because for someone reason i can't be without
but you were without me. why do you love me?
those are the moments that break my heart. the little whispered moments thats put nicks and cracks into case that has been taped together too many times to stand much more.
thats not a reason. to be with someone because there's no other reason is a
reason to be together. and loving someone because there's no reason to love them
isn't a reason to love in the first place.
uh...i dunno holly. i'm not really thinking right now.
and that always happens too. a year ago i told him i wanted more. i wanted to be able to talk to him. i wanted to be able have dialogue and conversation. to go places and to do things and
and it hurt him that i even said it...
and now we're back to this point again. we had switched positions for a while. where he had wanted it and now i'm here again- the constant tug of war we play with ideas.
i want more because we both deserve it that way. i don't want to be your mother and i don't want to take away your manhood. i want you simply to be a man. to be who you are...but to want to be that with me...
and for some reason that i can never quite realize....no one can be that with me.
i'm good enough to have. to walk around with and to show off...but at the end of the day...for a reason i'll never quite understand...i'm not enough to have for more...
but i can't accept less than that anymore.
i've seen what more has to offer now
and at one point i would have been ok with the crumbs of what he could give to me....but i won't accept crumbs when i can give myself jewels.
and we're back again. we always come back to here- the two of us. destined to chase after what we never can quite reach.
maybe he can reach it with another