I'm really starting to look forward to september...because August has been the month from hell for me. a roller coaster of ups and downs and sideways where i'm never quite sure which way is up and which way is just...wrong...
i used to say that Septembers were the months i hate the most...or decembers. I'm just quite sure why septembers rarely work out for me...december is just filled with memories i'd rather leave there unopened beneath the christmas tree and just push them back into a corner is search for january and new beginnings.
august however seems to be the time for next beginnings for me. or old endings. or faded memories and new ideas...that all compile into dramatic moments that can't be remade in movies or blog entries or tweets.
it just seems like a lot of.....something.....that never really lets go until the month is over
or the year
or the phase that i seem to get stuck in around this time.
he asked me what my biggest fear was. on saturday. amid a fight bigger than one we've ever gotten into...but smaller in concept that anything thats ever really mattered.
you know those moments when you've gone too far. you know those moments when you're in the wrong...and you know those moments you're too afraid to do anything...even cry...because weakness won't prove anything...and neither will pain.
he asked me what my biggest fear was.
and i told him it was becoming my mother.
they are words that i've thought. words that i might have written down. but i never heard my own voice say them. i heard the sob in the chest before my ears could. to know that i knew what scared me most.
he told me you can't live in fear.
i said she had no idea. she never saw it coming...she thought everything was fine until the day everything fell apart. when he left the email open on the computer and she saw all of her dreams burn apart...and maybe thats why i always look...because i'd rather have warning in the end. to show up at the game knowing what the score is.
he compared us. he does that more than i like. more than i can possibly say. that he never fought with her the way he fights with me and he thought things would be different this time around.
i asked him why he stays
he looked at me. i don't know. maybe i'm a crazy....
...or maybe i don't want you to hurt the way that i did...
i told him to just tell me what he wants. i'll go if he tells me to go...but he has to say it.
he said he wouldn't say what he didn't believe. he wants me...but me without the fear and with the trust...how things used to be.
and i cried.
i told him not to paint me as the villain alone. i've never taken away he choices. i told him what i did not want. what i didn't like...and gave him the choice to stop or not....she didn't. she just took the option away to prevent it from happening.
he didn't say anything then.
he said he didn't believe i loved him, but rather than i didn't want him to be with her.
i asked him why i would put myself through this if i didn't love him...
(i don't like pain that much...)
we sat their quietly arguing in his living room till he suddenly stood up and told me he thought i should go upstairs.
i told him to make a decision. the door opened right after that. i fled. i know his family too well than to pretend a smile with tears in my eyes.
we do this too often.
these fights. these arguments.
i had breakfast with mango right in time. to be able to talk to someone who's stood in my shoes. she has she knows what i'm going to say before i say it. her relationship with erlin. their breakup. his jennifer. and she came back...she said that the girls never leave. she just shrugged. "not until they do something that makes them never want to go back to them..."
i reminded her of myrtle beach. laying on the sand at sunset and i had asked her "do you think you're just going to end up with erlin at the end of this" she looked stung that i asked and i tried to fix the statement so it didn't sound as judgmental as she assumed, " i mean like...at the end of the day when you think of it all do you think that he's probably going to be the one that you marry. the one you have kids with...regardless of all of this."
she swore she would never. she said that she couldnt...and she flipped the story back to me...
i gave examples why i couldn't. why i wouldn't. how it could never/ would never/ simply had to not happen...
the next time we spoke i told her i was talking to aaron. she laughed. she said she was back with erlin. she said "holly i knew you were put in my life for a reason. the first time you walked into the office and we started talking about relationships i knew you were put there for a reason...."
i don't know if its positive or negative. as soon as we stopped working together we went back to what we knew in our hearts was where we'd be.
and the little lessons she told me and i refused to listen to come back some times. late at night...
"guys are going to cheat, holly. let it go. they're going to because they can and they can get away with it. it all comes down to how much you can take. and if its enough to know that at the end of the day he's going to come back to you."
i told her i would never settle for that. I would never allow that.
and now i catch myself thinking...maybe...maybe i would. maybe i would turn a blind eye...because knowing what life is like without you hurts more than knowing about this...
maybe...maybe that is what life really is.