jumbled together

i've been neglecting you, my sweets. To be completely honest I come on here every morning. I type and type and type and right before I submit i stop and htink about it and press save instead.

i'm a chicken i guess.


or i can't seem to place my words in a way that actually mean what i'm trying to say


everything gets jumbled up...and i get mad all over again. or sad. or needy...or....nothing. just numb and ocnfused and i'm back to not really knowing why i started typing in the first place.


so instead i'll write about something else.




i ordered my books today. late as usual. i had to wait until i got paid, and last pay check went to the vacation that i'm not sure if i told you about or if i saved it to look over later....i haven't quite figured that one out.


i'mleaving in a couple of minutes to go purchase the rest of my books. I actually need 2 for homework and the last ende dup being more expensive on line than the school book store.

i've been thinking a lot recently. nothing new i guess. whenever we play this game and dance this dance. trying to see who will end up with the power in the relationship i start to think.




to think if....

...i wanna do this anymore....



if i want this to be my life

my future


this constant game...




someone asked me what do i love about him. and i said his values. his love- for his family his friends

his loyalty


they said - to who?


and it made me think.



he's loyal to me...in that even constant understanding that he'll always come home. at the end of the day. at the end of the game. he'll always end up on my doorstep with the crooked smile and his nonchalant shrug...


but is it really fair to either one of us. we know we love each other. we know we belong together...but our way of showing that is by torturing each other until we'd rather just go...

just to come back




i'm so tired of making up...




i read a blog today. i've read it before. but i saw something different this time. each time i do...and it makes me realize how needy we all are sometimes. how needy i am for him. and for love and for affection...and commitment...and how needy he is as well


and i know if it weren't me it would be someone else. but for some reason there's something that always brings up back.

something...




and my biggest fear...is that we'll wake up one day



and that

something



will be

gone