one day at a time

I'm starting to hate my job....and its rather unfortunate.

given that I actually used to look forward to coming to this place



someone asked me the other day if i liked my job...and it actually took me a minute to figure out what it was that I wanted to say.
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"i love my job description...now all the extra crap i do. no i don't like that."

i hate coming home to complain about this place, but I can't seem to remember any of the funny moments. i can't seem to remember what i spent 20 minutes laughing about or the game i played with misti or the way rikia's baby kicked when she heard my voice or the 10 seconds of down time when i got to gchat with my brother...


all i remember is how many times the phone rang and how terry refused to answer it. or the 30 emails i got from dawn talking about the travel i don't need to schedule until november. or the memo that disappeared between here and 10A. or the woman who comes to my desk and talks to me like i'm a child. or the questions i was asked. or the work i was given. or the work that i did that i shouldn't have had to do.


and i'm just tired of complaining about this place.


i told the other contractors that i'm looking for other things. that it wasn't the money that was keeping me here...but maybe it is...because if it wasn't for the money i wouldn't be here either.


i'm just tired of this place now.



school is going well. i don't know if i'm taking it seriously. i don't know if i ever really took school seriously. it was never so hard that i really needed to. i'm taking the LSAT again in december. I'm heading to Morgan tomorrow to submit the rest of my application for an M.A. in History. I'm just spreading everything out wide...and hopefully something gets picked up. I just need something to get picked up.

BearBear is planning to start school in the spring. He's excited I can tell. excited about playing college ball...but worried about school and homework. I told him he'd be fine. that i'd be here if he needs any help. I think i'm worried as well. but not about that. but that he'll love it. the way i loved college. the freedom. the excitement. college is like nothing else you'll ever experience.


i want him to love it.


and i'm terrified all at the same time.



i'm glad he's finally doing what he wants to do.



we're heading to the redskins game on sunday. we have pretty amazing seats. he was supposed to go with his ex. they'd bought tickets over the summer. he was still planning on going in july when he told me he was just going to friends. i told him to go ahead and go...i think he was terrified of the consequences.

i have a crazy Jamaican side in me. I never knew it until recently.

there are moments when suddenly i hear my cousin Toya's voice escape my body. i feel her head twist back and forth and her hands clap to the beat of her words and when i realize its coming from me...that calm...measured...rage...i realize that blood run thick.


i'm starting to like that side of me.


it amuses aaron at the same time that it flusters him.

he accustomed to my calm. he accustomed to my tears. he's not accustomed to my voice anymore.


she's not going anymore.

moments after purchasing the tickets richard told aaron that he was going to surprise him with the seats. she'd given him the tickets...probably with the stipulation that i not go...probably with the stipulation that he not go either.

i heard them talk about it...in codes and silence and...next to me. lol. i listened because he stayed there so i could. i told him he could still go...that i could use these tickets. he twisted his lips and said "with who? Brandon"...the newest person he hates.

i laughed and told him he was dumb.

i prefer his sarcasm to his silence.



just taking things one day at a time.

one day.


and 3 years




and 4 months




at a time