seeing through the rage rage...

its been a crazy weekend.



i wish that were an over exaggeration...but how else to complete a bad week but to have the weekend of weekends.



i probably shouldn't say weekend since it didn't end until monday (if we could actually call that an ending or simply a line drawn in the sand...like so many other lines that I have already etched there over the years)



When it comes to Aaron I never get to say what i want to. i think its a fear of losing him. a fear that it won't come out right. or that it will. or that if it all fell apart i wouldn't know which way was up again.



aaron has always been the person to make me feel insecure...







but when i everything started to cave in last week...i don't really know what happened. all of a sudden i watched my life flash before my eyes and it was like i'd already seen it played out this way before. i'd already lived these mistakes. i'd already cried these tears...and i couldn't cry them anymore



and i laughed.





i cracked up.



even while i told meghan and she started fuming. hissing and spitting like a mother cat over the entire situation and i just couldn't get over it. even while talking to aaron i laughed. while he asked me what to do i laughed.



it took hours before i could even feel the tears.



it took days before i felt the rage









it wasn't until monday in the middle of day that everything turned from hilarious to ridiculous.







perhaps thats what i needed 4 months for. i think that maybe thats what i needed to learn. that moment where i didn't care about the consequences and i actually stood up for myself.



he tried to flip the situation. he tried to brush it under the rug.



he tried to tell me it was no big deal because he always comes back to me. i shouldn't worry because he'll always come back.









i said no. i've waited too long for you as it is and i've given you more chances than anyone deserves and i'm not settling for 1 inch less than all of you.



i not settling for less than everything



and i won't share you









you can't have us both.





he said she said that to





i told him i dont' give a fuck what she said.



he can go back to her for all i care. i never asked him to leave.









i yelled. i scolded. i passed up and down my street, not wanting my family to hear my rage as i told him exactly what i thought about this entire situation.





i thought i could wait. wait for him to outgrow his selfishness. wait for him to see what he had in front of him. wait for him to grow up and then i simply told him



i can't







i can't keep waiting for you. its not fair for any of us.



i'm done.







i told him that if i find out he's talking to her again...if i even think he's talking someone...if i even have an inkling that this bull shit is happening again....I'm out.





the end.





i've put up with it too long.







there will be no discussion. no warning. no arguments. no tears. no phone calls. just silence. i'm out





he said he didn't like be threatened







i told him it wasn't a threat. it was a fact.











he didn't say anything after that.













now for her...i had some choice words. another side effect of this new independence thing...



i can only thank the lord than i didn't have a car this weekend. or a phone number.... i would say that i've controlled myself enough that i don't feel this way any longer...





but i have no reason to lie in this blog.







call my baby girl one more time and i'll show you exactly how i feel about the moniker. [the rest of the content has been censored by the owner]



i'm just being spiteful...i tried to tell you...




i have stories. and details. on the usual nonsense...but today just doesn't seem like the day for any of that. maybe once my vision clears i'll be able to tell you more.