today would have been our 3 year anniversary. three years of ups and downs. or rather one year of ups and 2 years of downs...but it would have been something big and important and life altering.
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for some weird reason 3 is a big number in relationships
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the 3rd date makes things sexual (most of the time)
the 3rd month makes things official
the 3rd year makes things permanent
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my friend shalanda said that at 3 years it's time to start talking about marriage.
"if he hasn't proposed by 3 years, cut him loose"
we never got to that point. we barely made it to 2...and 3 months after 2 we broke up. and then we argued for 9. and have the last stray 3 months later we're back...to something.
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its strange but sometimes it seems like nothing changed. when i look at him i feel like the same girl who would walk over hot coals just to hear him say "i love you"
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i pray i'm not that girl anymore
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my mother says i'm just in a "desperate search for family"
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maybe i am...maybe when i see him i hear those words...
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maybe i'm a glutton for punishment.
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but things are different and deep down we know they are. When you put the nails in the coffin...even when you pull them out the holes are still there. the pit is still dug
and its hard to jump over it and pretend like you didn't notice it there
"do you think we'll work this time"
"i hope so"
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i remember when the answer used to be "yes" the faith we had in each other was so deep it was frightening.
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i told him he's different now. he carries himself differently. the insecure boy i knew was gone and
there's this man in his place. its frightening...and exhilarating...
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but sometimes when he doesn't know it i see him there. my little boy still. and i wish i saw him more often.
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when i saw him again after all the time it was him still. he paced the room like a lion in his cage...a lion terrified something would get in...or worse that he'd get out. and when he sat next to me a tear leaked down his cheek and he wouldn't look me in the eye
"you left me, holly...i never thought you'd do that...but you left me"
i couldn't cry when he said it...because i had
and later. days later. i told him
"i'm sorry i hurt you."
"you can't say that to me" he said, " you can't say that because you left
me. you weren't there when i needed you the most..."
and i didn't know what to say. i saw myself crying as i always had...but no tears would come. perhaps i felt them...but after all the times i swore to never cry over you my eyes finally listened and refused...
"i just couldn't do it anymore...i couldn't stay...it was like i kept
competing with all these other girls for you to love me. i just couldn't hurt
anymore. i thought -"
"- don't. please don't. i don't want to hear how i hurt you. it hurts me to
know that i did."
we told each other what happened when we were apart...leaving out details neither one of us wanted to know...
"i text you while i was there...you didn't get it of course because i'd
shut your phone off by then..."
"what did you say"
"why couldn't you love me... ::shrugs::"
"i never stopped loving you. you just stopped being able to see it. i
always loved you, i just kept doing stupid stuff...but i never stopped loving
you."
he left his gf. or whatever he called it. he swears it wasn't a relationship...but he told me she cried. he said he had promised himself he'd never break up with a girl after the one time in elementary school...but she told him to get his stuff and then cried when he did
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and i was sorry that she was hurt
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and i little vengeful. happy that for once he chose me over all the other girls in his life...but i know what it feels like to watch him leave
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he said he wished in a perfect world they could still be friends...but he knew i wouldn't be ok with it
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i didn't say anything. i wished i could say i would be...i wouldn't. i wouldn't be able to look at someone who had stood where i stand. who held him while he slept. who looked at him and wished she could see the mirror image 40 years later.
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i stayed silent because i wasn't strong enough to respond. but he knew...
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he left the security of her for the maybe of me...
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packed up his stuff. walked away from a set future.
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i asked him why
the certainty that drifts in and out of our relationship...
"we would have been rich though..." he laughed
"well you can go back"
he glared at me...
"you would rather be poor with me than rich with her..."
"i didn't love her, holly...i love you...i want to be with you. i always
wanted to be with you.......maybe i just needed that time to get it all out of
my system."
he told me to go to germany
"i feel like you broke up with me because you wanted to do all those things
you couldn't do when you were with me and i dont' want you not go and then
regret it and think back that you could have if we weren't together"
"i didn't break up with you for that. i broke up with you because you kept
doing the same shit...lol....
...all i ever wanted was you, aaron. just you..."
and every night when i pack up my life i hold on to him a little tighter hoping that the next day i won't wake up and be back where i was a month ago. 2 weeks ago. this time last week...
i told him i'm scared. i echoed the words he'd said a few days before
"things are just too good to be true. i'm scared..."
he said "don't be. i just want to live each day at a time..."
and i am. i dont' look further than tomorrow. and i put together puzzle pieces to piece back the life i remember him in and try to place him back on a path that he can travel on...and i keep my little pieces together so that if things unravel at the seams i will still be in one piece
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and it hurts a little to know that i do that...
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but i do...
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and for now i don't want to hear what anyone has to say...though i've heard them say it.
i just want a summer to love again. and i'll worry about the fall when i see it.
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