i feel the breeze blowing in

I haven't been in the mood to talk recently...its a trend i have. once in a while i just disappear for a while. its usually blamed on a boyfriend or a family situation or a million and one other things that have occurred between my social climax that lead to the steady decline into...

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silence

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i don't really know whats brought it on this time. i felt it coming on on the drive back from myrtle beach. maybe that was it...maybe that caused it...

i used to call these my "gypsy days" when i was in high school. a moment that i just wanted to be carried away with the breeze...i'm not sure if i even want to go anywhere.


i don't know how to describe the feeling... of being boxed in and....free....all at the same time....


i'm not quite sure what i'm going to do about it.


i've been avoiding phone calls. first from the boys i met by the sea. nice guys who want to take me out...but i'm just not in the mood for small talk...that in their mind will only lead to one conclusion

that never will



and then my brother called...and i ignored him too...and i didn't mean to. i just wasn't in the mood for serious conversations. or joking. or conversing at all.

i just posted up in my mother room. a cup of water to my left. my mother to my right and my lap top obviously in my lap and just stayed there for the night...

and when the moon rise and my mother slept a crept out of her room to my own and skipped around a romance novel till i had enough hope to go to sleep...and possibly wake up happier than i felt that day


i'm still here though. in this rut

i feel a hand clenching my heart and myself being pushed forward...and i want to run and escape and come back and sleep and wait till this feeling goes away like it always does eventually.

maybe its just the feeling that somethings coming. something right around the corner. maybe all along these "gypsy days" are just my own anticipation. I wish i could remember what happened after them in school...

i wish i knew what to expect


or maybe one day the hand will be gone. and the push gone. and the need gone and i'll be back to being who i always am


but for today...i'm someone else today...i'm somewhere else...and i dont know when i'll be back