i miss you more

there is one person who can always make me cry...not even saying a word i can just look at her and feel my heart break

lorena

i don't know why...or maybe i do. just knowing all we have in common. all we don't and the one thing that keeps us tied together through it all...even though it probably shouldn't.

whenever i talk to her i cry. without even meaning to...and i try to keep it quiet. to sound normal on the phone. or in person. but i'm sure she know. i'm sure she can hear it...and sometimes i feel like i can hear her voice crack too


we both know how things should have ended. could have ended. of the sunday dinners that should have happened. the christmas eves that could have existed. the future that was just within grasp

she always sighs and say "like i've told you...if its mean to happen...it will"


her faith floors me.

i wish i felt that way...but i know its not true. as much as she does. it doesn't always end that way...the way it should. If it did we wouldn't have wars. or famine. or death. or depression

or fear


and have them. so how can she say it so calmly.

and i tell her "i know"

and i feel my breath shake

and my heart clench...and i know she feels it to...that inevitable breaking that always occurs when we know that this might be the last time we speak


but for some reason we keep coming back

or maybe i keep coming back........maybe its me that keeps prolonging the inevitable.



but i found myself this saturday standing in her living room like i used to stand so often. talking to her and her daughter and her husband like i used to. and everything was almost like it always was...except for the empty room upstairs and the silence we each kept trying to fill...and we almost succeeded...talking just to talk. making plans we knew we wouldn't keep and tossing promises as light as air...but we needed to hear them just the same...we all needed them floating there between us

to pretend there was some sort of security there



but knowing that it was gone. had been gone...might not have been there if not for the love i fell into with that family


trying to let them go almost hurts more...because i can't seem to figure out how...

and if i did...i'm not sure i would

and i'm sorry that i'm too selfish to do it



but i've lost too many people i've loved throughout my life. and i didn't mean to love them...but you can't choose your family...we just were...we always were...

and i pray for times like that again. happy times like that again without the whispering clock in our minds...afraid the door might open and someone will find us there as a.......family


i yearn for those days


i mourn them


i crave them

and i have to learn to let them go