I sent an email last night...an email long time coming...but that needed to be sent.
a goodbye email
sometimes its easier to say the goodbye than to wait for the goodbye to come.
i wrote one before...but sent it to an email that was no longer working...and i think i knew that subconsciously when i sent it...i cheaters way out of telling you how i felt. he wrote me a letter once. its a trend in my relationships to tell everything in one rushed monologue on paper so that you're not there when its finally being heard.
i'm the queen of crying and crying and whispering my sorrows to you while you sleep...but the men i love- they write. they don't say a word but they write it all down nonetheless...i think in the end they're better heard than i am.
but i wrote a letter. and i tried to keep it short. a teacher once told me "anything over 3 pages is just a rant" stop reading was implied...i didn't want it to seem that way
i wanted to apologize for my mistakes...for my insecurities...but i didn't want to be alone in them. i didn't want to carry the burden but i didn't want to bring out that old hurt again either
Hannah Miet wrote the other day "the narrator was angry but nostalgic. The narrator was sympathetic but unforgiving. The narrator was entirely unsure of what the narrator wanted to say"
i felt that way last night...but i just kept writing. and after a while i would erase and rewrite and read and rewrite and add hear and take off there...sewing a garment of i'm sorry s. and i forgive you s and please tell me you want me again wrapped up in a huge quilt of i'm stronger now than i used to be...
and i saved it like all the other letters i wrote but never sent. it weighed down my inbox...this blanket i created. it stared at me through links and webpages and tvshows and it whispered words like
what would it hurt?
don't do it...
but in the end i did. i clicked it fast thinking i could blame it on a flick of the wrist...but it wouldn't let me. it popped up "there is no subject. are you sure you still want to send this?"
and i saved it again...and came back an hour later and tried again...this time i couldn't blame it on anything
i knew what i was doing this time...but i ended it with "goodbye i guess..."
after all of it i'm still as insecure as i always thought i was...for you. for anyone...but i let you know...
at least i had a chance to let you know