more....MoRe....MORE

i hate men who don't know how to love their children.

and it's unfortunate because i'm growing up in an era where its rare for a man to have grown up with his father. its rare to reach the age of 20 and still have both parents married and living together and raising their children as a unit. its rare to reach the age of 15 and still have that

12

9

7

its rare to give birth and have a husband.

i don't want to fall into these categories in my future and i fear that i will settle for less than i deserve in a husband to have more than my children could wish for in a father. i want a husband who will love his children more than his life. who would sacrifice everything for them. to give up everything. jump through hoops. through fire. through jobs they hate...so their kids can have new shoes on the first day of school and can take ballet lessons they won't remember. and have that toy on christmas everyone else is getting. who will argue to allow their sons to grow their hair out because they want to and not to let their daughters date until their 30 and who will tell them they have to save up to pay for their car, but buy them one anyway because they remember what it was like to be young and to want more

i want more for my children than i had...and i had a good childhood. in the rose tinted views of my youth my family was perfect. my mother cooked dinners. my father gave bike lessons. my siblings argued and loved and we have family portraits every three years of toothy, gleeful lies that everyone wanted to believe and we did until we were old enough to see things for what they really were.

i want more for my niece than i had. i want more than her brother has. and i want more than her father offers.

i think i live in a fantasy world where i can make the future everything i want it to be...and i fear that when it finally happens i will be disappointed...i don't want to live in disappointment for my children. i'm accustomed to it for myself.

i just want more

so much more

and i don't know what to do about it.