i guess i'm not so lonely right now. well maybe i am since i'm writing....i'm in between places right now.
i've started sending out applications again. for school. for anything. i've been looking at apartments...but i doubt i'll move anywhere. i just settle where i am and get comfortable and never leave.
i'm comfortable in the job i'm in. i wish it were more...and it has potential of being more...but i literally have nothing to complain about. id be more comfortable with a car and since Methuselah decided to kick the bucket last week i'm kind of SOL.
i'm trying to learn who this new aaron is. he's changed. he's different. in a good way i think...more independant than i remember. less needy...which is what i wanted...but now its strange...like watching a child leave his mother and go to school for the first time. that knowing that you're not needed anymore
his need was suffocating me
and now i long for the struggle
but at night when he holds me...reaching out to clasp me. the pull. the strength...i see it there. those shoulders. those arms. the need beneath it all.
we both know we can survive apart. we've done it. we were fine. but maybe we needed that time apart...that survival to know that we prefer it together...
but i still wait for him. his calls. his arrival. him...and when he's not here i miss it. the smell of him. the strength of him. his face...i tell him that in emails
i miss your face
and it seems so little and inconsequential...and childish...but i wonder if he understands it at all. that moment that has been crystallized into my memory. looking at him. just looking at him for the first time in months...and...for once i'm at a lose for words
there he was. the man i always remembered. as if i had trapped time in a bottle and simple stepped back in to where i had stood before. and i traced the bridge nose with my finger. and ran my fingers through his hair...and everything that i knew and didn't know and wished to know and never wanted to know and...everything was there
and i realized how much i'd missed it
and him
just by looking at him....
ok away from my melodramatic memories...i'm back to applying for school. any and every program in the area that i could be accepted into. I just need to get somewhere and do something and move on with me life. i'm watching it pass me by and its depressing.
i don't have a plan. i know that now. i'm ok with that now.
i wanted something etched in stone.
day one.
year one.
entry: I know what I want to do...
but i don't...and i'm fine with that. but i do want to be in school. i don't care what school. i don't care what program...but maybe once i'm there i will. maybe once i'm there things will start to fall into place the way that they used to...or everything will fall apart the way that it used to...and i'll figure out what is going on in the end
well we'll see where we go from here...we'll see where the wind takes me from here...
i'll just let it up and blow me away
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