Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Monday, July 26, 2010

all over again

i'm so tired of these heartbroken posts. it seems like i only write when i have something to cry over...but i don't want to let it out. well i def. let it out this morning

embarrassingly enough in the middle of my office. on the phone with your mother

and she told me "i told you so"

like that would help.

i don't know where it all started. the ending. wherever we are. because i decided to go out? no it had to be before that. i felt it different when you picked me up on wednesday. something was different in the air around you...but it kept shifting. and when you called on thursday i knew you'd be mad, but i didn't want to fall into the old pattern of being afraid to go out because you'd be mad...when you weren't afraid of my reaction. so i told you. i had to wait for you to call and i admit that i did think twice before answering...thinking it would just make things easier to lie and say that i didn't

and you said "well it's not like we're together...i want my independence." and i felt the little hope i had for us begin to shrivel at that moment.

and then you said you had plans for friday that you'd had since tuesday...but you didn't tell me

"because if plans fell through i was going to hang out with you...but if i told you, you'd make plans with your girls and if my plans fell through and i told you you wouldn't be able to chill"

and i told you that was selfish. and i guessed i would go out because i didn't want to stay in...and you huffed and puffed. and i repeated those words you said to hurt me

"its not like we're together...i want my Independence" and you tried to hang up on me...saying that you didn't know where things were going...and i said it wasn't fair that you could say them to me, but i couldn't say anything back.

and friday you went out. and you said you didn't know where. you were just going to go with the flow. and i remember other times you went with the flow and ended up at the club after you said you wouldn't go...but you said it was by accident.

i told you i only went out because i knew there was no way i would be able to see you. you decided to go out to get back at me. you told me if i went out it was all revenge.

you didn't understand

and on saturday it was like time had rewound. you said you'd be there at 1 and i waited. i waited for hours for you to come and you didn't show until 3 and you were different. even worse than before. and you were mad at me for being mad at you and we'd talked about this before. this wasn't new.

and the whole day was like that. at that night we talked finally. about how i felt that you were just punishing me for hurting you. for everything i did and didn't do when i wasn't with you. how i had a life that you didn't. not realizing what i gave up again for you. and how again you didn't give up anything for me.

and you told me how you were just getting over me when i showed up. and you told me i only showed up because you were with someone else. and i cried and only then did you break and be you...and we went upstairs and you went in the shower and there was your phone. and i knew i shouldn't have

i knew i had no right

but i couldn't read your mind. i wanted to know

and i wish it hadn't been there

the same things that were always there. the same girls that were always there. the same hurt that was always there. and your sister drove me home. and you called me and you were mad. and i knew you'd be mad. that i'd never change. that i did it again. that i was over reacting. that i should have stayed and confronted you and listened to reason...and that i did it again

and maybe i should have stayed. maybe i should have stood up to you and told you how i felt. but neither of us was right in that situation. i shouldn't have looked and you shouldn't have acted and now we're stuck in this situation again

and you called me the next morning and left a voicemail saying it was over. you couldn't be with someone like me.

that we could be friends

how many times am i going to here that line?

and i called you back. how dare you leave that message. and you said it again. and i said "ok"

what else was there to say?

the ball was in your court again and you said you didn't want to play.

so i told your sister goodbye. and i packed up my heart again

"take my heart lord,
take and seal it

seal it for thy courts above"

as i always do when you hurt me and hope that a little more will be locked away this time.

and you called again, but my phone was dead. the jumping power outages that squatted over my neighborhood for hours and you told me i blocked your number. you told me that you missed me...and that it wasn't that you never wanted to talk to me again...you wanted to be my friend. not my enemy.

i listened to it 5 times in side meghan's car waiting for my phone to charge to at least 20%.

"i don't know hot to reach you. i hope i can talk to you later today. or tomorrow...i dunno. eh...i i hope you have a good day"
"uh hey...i wanted to talk to you..."

over and over till i could repeat the words in unis ion with you

and even then i couldn't understand what you were saying

i emailed you. i emailed you 3 times. like the trinity. my last 3 times

1. you're ripping my heart out. i love you. why are you doing this

2. i want the last word like you always get. you'll never change. i did nothing wrong.

3. i sent this afternoon- i wish you all the best.


and i said goodbye to your mother. even though she told me i was wrong. i should have waiting. i moved too fast. i let you in too soon and that you'll never learn.

and yesterday i said goodbye to your sister.

and i restored your old facebook. and left your email alone.

and blocked me so you have the choice to do whatever it is that you want.

and i packed up my heart

and cried at my desk

and let go


or began to. its going to be hard...just like before

but maybe not for you. you were already half let go of me. i had let go before. a year ago before and i was almost past it all. when we came back and i fell back in 100% and you ripped my heart out of my chest.

you just wiped off the debris you never felt and walked away

"i missed you today"

well i hope you get used to the feeling.

you're going to miss a lot of things.

i pray i don't miss a thing
p.s. your mother asked you if you wanted to be with me...and if not to let me go. because it wasn't fair to do this back and forth thing wasn't fair. then she threated to kick you out. and then said i went to fast and the i told you so i never wanted to hear.
i reminded her of ann and carlos. that they should have worked together to make things work and it won't work with just one person putting in all of the effort.
i could hear her shake her head. i could hear her pity.
and i cried. i cried hard knowing that i was the foot again...and i should have known better again. and i fell for it again...

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