i love you. i will always love you. but there are some things that i’ve learned from the time we were apart. that you can’t change someone…you can only influence them either for the better or from the worst. you can’t make someone love you. and loving them more, won’t change anything.
and forgiveness is something that you must give willingly.
you couldn’t make me forgive you…i needed time on my own to. to stop and start over and look at things from both sides and figure out what my heart was telling me. any maybe you were never given that time. it took me months to go from sadness to anger to sadness to acceptance and now i’m here standing before you whole…and you haven’t gotten here yet.
you’re still angry.
and i can’t change that because i can’t fix what is still hurt inside of you…because i can’t go back and change something that has already happened.
i learned that there are some things that people can’t handle. each one of us has our breaking point and each one of us has out insecurity. i know mine. i’ve known mine for years…and i think i know yours
they’re the same.
not being able to do anything about it. that feeling of emptiness. of abandonment. i felt it each time you reached out to someone else rather than to me…and when i couldn’t take it anymore i went to find a way to make myself whole…a way that i wouldn’t hurt every time you looked at someone else or didn’t call me or chose to not be with me…
a way that i would never feel empty again…
but even with that said and done that doesn’t mean that i’m ok with them. with them women that you still need to show yourself you’ll never be alone.
i’ve learned to love you and i’m learning to trust you as who you are now…not who you were then…but these…these are all memories of the past that are still here haunting me…
i know myself. i know my breaking point and i know what i can’t do again
and i can’t do that. i can’t sit around waiting for the same things to happen….and i feel like i’m watching it play out again.
i can’t be your friend. I don’t know how to change loving you…and i can’t live every day waiting for you to realize that you love them more. or you love me less. or you hate me more than you’ll ever be able to love me…
and maybe you’re right…i can’t just go with the flow. because we’ve always been two people stuck in definites that i won’t settle for maybes with you.
but i know i won’t put up with the maybe of them.
so i’ve drawn my line in the sand
and i can’t cross it knowing that i’ll burn in the end.
and i know you won’t cross it scared you might hurt all over again….
so we’re at a stale mate.