i need to start posting these right after i write them...

We were talking the other day. It probably was a week ago…maybe longer. I was calling him a brat. I tend to do that these days but it could simply be because I’m seeing parts of him that I never saw before. The every day. Saturday mornings. Arguments with his mother. Refusals to act…and I don’t know. It doesn’t line up with the person that I know and love.

I asked him why. “why didn’t you ever mow the lawn. Like you know if we live together you’ll be mowing it right”

He looked at me and shrugged agreed that he would. Then he said “they never let me . they always thought I’d mess up. When ppl don’t let you do something you stop asking them. I’m not going to beg you to let me help…” I heard the anger build in his voice. I watched the hurt in his eyes. The years he’s tried to be more. To do more. And been shot down and insulted for it.

So I let him. I let him have the power he wanted. I used to complain about how I was tired of being the adult in the relationship. So now I’m giving it to him.

The apartments called. We were approved and they wanted payment. I didn’t have the money. He wasn’t ready to pay it. I told him to call. He didn’t on the first day. Never got to it on the second. I told him I simply couldn’t handle it. I’ve been stressed…I’m overwhelmed by my job. By my classes. By my car…I can’t take on the additional responsibility.

So he called. He called me and told me what he was going to say. He called me after he said. I probably would have done it differently…but I’m proud of him for acting when he did. It meant a lot.

Its like seeing him grow before my eyes.

I want him to be everything he’s always wanted to be. I want him to be more. I want us to be happy.

I hope this is simply step one to a long journey.

in search

there's this belief that youngest children are constantly trying to prove themselves.

i didn't particularly think it was true...

until i started trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my life

and realizes

that there is absolutely nothing new

that some sibling hasn't done before...

now i finally understand what they mean.

i guess its the curse of the youngest - - - to forever live in their shadows.

the same article said that the youngest have little ambition- used to getting whatever they want for doing barely anything...youngest children tend to get along on charm alone.

i won't deny my charm.

its gotten my through enough classes that i know it works when i need it to

kind of rusty at the moment...but the polish is coming out...finals are around the corner

i had a bf once who told me i had no ambition. he asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up

i was 19. barely 19. and happy just to be happy. so thats what i said.

"i want to be happy. i want to be happy and satisfied"

he shook his head and asked again, "what do you want to be when you grow up? like what do you want to do?"

i thought about it. we had been driving through the night from school to the eastern shore and of the three hour drive over 4 years ago i remember the night sky and smell of salt water like it was yesterday. the breeze. the rush. the excitement...

and the question.

i wanted to come up with something that would wow him. something that no one had told him before. some huge dramatic reenactment for what i had decided would be my future...but all i could see were the stars and all i could smell was the breeze...and the only thing i could think to say were my dreams...and the truth...and what all little girls grow up saying.

"i want to be a mother. thats what i always wanted to be. i want to be a stay-at-home-mom and raise my kids and be happy..."

simple

straight forward

the moon-kissed-dreams of a child.

he told me i had no ambition and shook his head and never realized

that that was the moment

that i began to fall

out of love

with

him.

i told him that story again recently, (i left out the last part for polite reasons)...out of the blue like he always does he popped back into my life...he's dating a girl as far opposite from me as he could find. i think the only thing we have in common is height. and location. and a patience larger than expected to deal with the men we do...

she calls him chauvinistic. tells him that all he wants is to control her. her dreams are huge compared to the simple ones i once had. she wants the big city and the big job and the corner office...and she wants to fight every man who gets in the way.

4 years later - now his dreams seem small.

he wants a farm. in the country. a few acres. a few crops. kids and students...and quiet.

i wonder where their middle ground will land.

he proposes to me once a week.

i keep telling him i'm not that girl anymore.

we laugh. and joke...and pretend like we can remember what it was that brought us together...and forget what ultimately drove us apart.

and then i'm here. again. minus the breeze and the stars dulled my street lights and car fumes...and that question comes back.

and i still don't have an answer.

i want to be successful- but doing what?

i want to be happy- but why?

i want to be satisfied....- but how?

i want to be an old woman surrounded by the people i love and i want that moment right before my last breath and i want that thought to be

"i don't regret anything..."

i once wrote a poem that said

"i want the world/on a silver platter/and i want to fight for it"

but i'm growing tired of that fight...

i wonder if you'd be there

to fight for me...

because i think

very soon

i'm going to take a break from it...

and rest

and just be that naive little girl for a while

and just be

"happy"

and in search

of

"satisfied"

insert original title

it's been a while since i've posted. well actually it's been a while since i've written. I have tons of posts saved that when the mood arises i just send through to publish....i just rarely have the time to sit and write anymore.





the office is different now. My boss - my former boss - is in training until the 19th. My former manager is acting as the boss and i worry that she might not know what she's doing. Everything seems to be crumbling. ripping apart at the seams...and there's nothing we can really do about it.







we got the short stick in this reorganization. unfortunately we were the losers of this war.





no one has thought of the consequences yet. It hasn't really been needed. We have an all hands meeting on monday when they'll tell us everything else they've decided. if no one else is worried the contractors are. Our jobs depend on the contract with API and well...API no longer exists.

all we can do is pray at this point. pray and send out our resumes just in case...and hope that the work that we've done here will be strong enough to keep us here...


and pray...mainly pray...



hmm...other updates. my car was hit on sunday. my mother told me it was a sign. she's rather upset at a million different things - the main one being the fact that i'm rarely home. she says the lord was trying to tell me something. i told her that maybe the lord was trying to tell all of us something...seeing that the accident happened while my car was parked and i was in VA....and 3 cars were involved. and a broken axle. and now 3 popped tired...

and about 4 huge dents in the side of my sweet innocent Gwyn.

so here I am again - carless.... i should be angrier than I am, but I've become accustomed to not having a car as my last car was so unreliable...now it just seems like the month of having a car was simply a dream.

smh



McDaniel's homecoming is this weekend. I keep trying to decide if I want to go. I already told Aaron. he said he'd go if i wanted to...but i can't seem to muster up enough...enthusiasm...

there are so many people there that i have no need to see. i just don't know. the people i wanted to keep in contact with I have. The only people I would want to see are my old professors, and homecoming is probably the worse possible time to catch up.


i'll just wait and see what the weather is like on saturday and decide at the last minute like always.




this entry is rather lack luster. not much to say. its rainy and dreary and cold today...and i wish i'd stayed bundled up in my bed.


maybe i'll have better stories on a sunnier day...

the end

My friend had a baby on saturday.



It feels like there are babies popping out everywhere.



There have been atleast 4 babyshowers in my office since I started in March. Before that there was Meghan and Tuck in December and before that a girl at my old job.



it almost makes me...almost want...one...



then i wake up.



and realize that i can't afford myself right now...let alone someone else.









it would be intriguing though. to have something that was yours. part of you. always a part of you. who lived within you. who needed only you for 9 months.



its crazy



and terrifying





ane beautiful





the concept doesn't even sound real....



















work is that same. tedious and demanding. Its the last day for my boss. We have been reorganized...and her position was found to be...well....no longer needed....



or at least at the level it was.





it's been a hard couple of months...but the final point was last wednesday . I wanted to talk about it...but I was sworn to secrecy until the announcement was made.



She pulled me into her office and sat across from me in the small seating area designed to make her appear larger than life and stronger than man...and she looked weak. and she looked small. and tired.



more tired than i've ever seen her.



it was like in 24 hours she game an old woman...and i never rememebr the moment when the woman who hired me left and this woman took her place.





maybe it had been happening all along...maybe everything just happened at once...maybe nothing happened at all...







she told me how she knew i already knew...but she wanted to tell me before everyone else heard.





i stopped her





"take me with you"





she stopped.



she looked at me





and she cried.









one tear. and i watched her face crumble and as she tried to stoically white away the evidence of her own mortality...i knew.





it was over.

moments like these

Something happened yesterday...probably something inconsequential...but its niggling in my mind





i was standing with him. in the cold. on the street. outside his car. talking about plan. future plan and past plans...



and he asked about a threesome. the usually thing to irk me.



he said with his ex...to really get under my skin







i laughed and told him she wasn't my type







and then he brought up the strip club. his constant question of if i could be bisexual. thats something new...i've brushed it off as being silly...it'll probably get annoying soon.





i told him that i think the female body is beautiful. i think its aesthetically pleasing. does that mean the thought of a woman going down on me turns me on? no. it doesnt. it actually makes me feel kind of uncomfortable





he said "yeah but you said that girl from transformers was hot"







megan fox?





yeah. she friggin gorgeous.



then we got into an argument because he said she was just aight...











moving forward. he asked why i wanted to go to a strip club with him. i reiterating the same rule. now a woman grinding on me wouldn't turn me on...it probably would turn him on





"its like...a turn on. showing you off. knowing you're attracted to them. that they're attracted to you...but that you're coming home with me at the end..."





he said he went once. he didn't lik eit





with her?





with a bunch of ppl







which one





::blank stare:: it doesn't matter





then a shook my head...



and he said





"don't pretend to be all innocent. you've done things"













....what?....





completely out of no where. i asked him what that meant. where that had come from. he just shook his head



so you're mad at me now over something else you've assumed i've done?





he shook his head









its the little moments that always come back









we're going to a surprise birthday part this weekend. thrown by the girl who used to be a friend. i guess you could say we're enemies now. or i'm her enemy at least

something


something changed along the way of growing up...that moment when you realize that you've gotta look out for yourself first


she learned that first...but forgot that i'd learn it too.

and we did what we needed to protect ourselves.



so sam's having a surprise party on saturday. we're going. aaron said she asked that i come. specifically that he bring me


i asked if it was a set up...since there's no other way of seeing it.



its going to be interesting.


it always is.





we'll see how it all turns out in the end.

realizations.

Never take a day off in the middle of the week.








i took off yesterday. Played hookie with BearBear and went up to Morgan State. There was a bunch of paperwork he needed to complete. He actually still needs to complete it. its currently sitting in my car as i forgot to leave it at his house when I came back home last night.



his mother has set a curfew for him. which i found utterly hilarious...or annoying. whichever. but after the fiasco a couple of weeks ago i understand why she did it. it means that at a certain point he has to be in bed. and i have to be home too. so i guess you can say that she's set one for me as well. Sunday through thursday, she says. this just happens to be the week that i've been there everyday. and out everyday. by 10...well no later than 11....thirty....sometimes...



ok so the curfew isn't really working...except she's growing horse saying the same things over and over and he's getting annoyed that she's still bugging him





i think there is a time in everyone's life when they realize its time to just move out.









he'll probably live on campus in the spring. i've been looking for apartments up there. i've been budgeting and trying to figure everything out...but if money is still looking the way money is...he'll be living on campus in the spring...and i'll be finishing school and saving up and seeing how things are in the summer. i wouldn't mind moving out. i WANT to move out...but if i can't afford it...well than i can't afford it.



it was either an apartment or a car...and when it came down to the wire the car was the most important at the time.





wade just sold the other apartment too. lol. perfect timing. either way the hour commute to school every morning and night was bound to get annoying in no time.







not to mention living next to wade.







i can't just imagine the awkward conversations in the stair well...









i asked aaron what happened to daphney the other night. i'd never met her. but i'd heard about her. after nene who was after nicole. and before nene who was before nicole. she was right in the middle.



aaron said that he was just comfortable. he had nothing to complain about...so there was no reason to leave.



...aaron said he had been too....



he says he doesn't know what happened to her. "they don't talk anymore" just that. simple and straight forward. they just don't...





i wonder if it ever gets to nicole...what happened after her. and before her...and during her...or if it ever gets to wade...



i wonder if the questions that we had are usual questions that they have...or if we just deal with things differently.











last sunday it came up again. how angry he was. comparing this halloween to last halloween.



"why didn't we hang out?....why did you want to be there with me?..."



i didn't know where it came from. and i sat there in church trying to remember how we both ended up in different locations. he had been there and i had been here...and we'd been together weeks before and we'd been together weeks after. and he was so mad...



and i could remember the itch of anger that i had...but for the life of my a couldn't remember





until memories of baby showers and pink balloons came into my mind. or standing in line at a movie theatre and watching him storm out before the movie began. and fear. being in a car...and terrified...as he sped by the house. shouting. yelling. and cursing...and crying. of tears. i remember tears.





i told him that. that the baby shower had been before halloween thats why...he didn't remember why.





i told him he has recreated a past where he did nothing wrong.





that i was the bad guy...but i still remember.





and its not fair that he get angry over things that i can't change. and that i don't get mad at things that are still happening....interestingly enough. maybe i need to. maybe i ought to...


but i had time to get angry. i had time to bad angry. to rant and rave and forgive him....i guess he's still in rave...heading towards forgive.



hopefully....


eventually...




we'll see....






i'm just enjoying the nice moments that are happening now...and letting go of the bad ones.


its nice to point out that its him picking the fights this time.


how the tables have turned

one day at a time

I'm starting to hate my job....and its rather unfortunate.

given that I actually used to look forward to coming to this place



someone asked me the other day if i liked my job...and it actually took me a minute to figure out what it was that I wanted to say.
.
. . .
. . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . .

"i love my job description...now all the extra crap i do. no i don't like that."

i hate coming home to complain about this place, but I can't seem to remember any of the funny moments. i can't seem to remember what i spent 20 minutes laughing about or the game i played with misti or the way rikia's baby kicked when she heard my voice or the 10 seconds of down time when i got to gchat with my brother...


all i remember is how many times the phone rang and how terry refused to answer it. or the 30 emails i got from dawn talking about the travel i don't need to schedule until november. or the memo that disappeared between here and 10A. or the woman who comes to my desk and talks to me like i'm a child. or the questions i was asked. or the work i was given. or the work that i did that i shouldn't have had to do.


and i'm just tired of complaining about this place.


i told the other contractors that i'm looking for other things. that it wasn't the money that was keeping me here...but maybe it is...because if it wasn't for the money i wouldn't be here either.


i'm just tired of this place now.



school is going well. i don't know if i'm taking it seriously. i don't know if i ever really took school seriously. it was never so hard that i really needed to. i'm taking the LSAT again in december. I'm heading to Morgan tomorrow to submit the rest of my application for an M.A. in History. I'm just spreading everything out wide...and hopefully something gets picked up. I just need something to get picked up.

BearBear is planning to start school in the spring. He's excited I can tell. excited about playing college ball...but worried about school and homework. I told him he'd be fine. that i'd be here if he needs any help. I think i'm worried as well. but not about that. but that he'll love it. the way i loved college. the freedom. the excitement. college is like nothing else you'll ever experience.


i want him to love it.


and i'm terrified all at the same time.



i'm glad he's finally doing what he wants to do.



we're heading to the redskins game on sunday. we have pretty amazing seats. he was supposed to go with his ex. they'd bought tickets over the summer. he was still planning on going in july when he told me he was just going to friends. i told him to go ahead and go...i think he was terrified of the consequences.

i have a crazy Jamaican side in me. I never knew it until recently.

there are moments when suddenly i hear my cousin Toya's voice escape my body. i feel her head twist back and forth and her hands clap to the beat of her words and when i realize its coming from me...that calm...measured...rage...i realize that blood run thick.


i'm starting to like that side of me.


it amuses aaron at the same time that it flusters him.

he accustomed to my calm. he accustomed to my tears. he's not accustomed to my voice anymore.


she's not going anymore.

moments after purchasing the tickets richard told aaron that he was going to surprise him with the seats. she'd given him the tickets...probably with the stipulation that i not go...probably with the stipulation that he not go either.

i heard them talk about it...in codes and silence and...next to me. lol. i listened because he stayed there so i could. i told him he could still go...that i could use these tickets. he twisted his lips and said "with who? Brandon"...the newest person he hates.

i laughed and told him he was dumb.

i prefer his sarcasm to his silence.



just taking things one day at a time.

one day.


and 3 years




and 4 months




at a time