Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

i want my body back.

i want to sleep at night

i want to meet my daughter. and hold her. and look at her. and bring her home and meet her and get to know her

i want to heal. i want to be able to walk and not have my back hurt. to be able to roll over and sit down and stand up and climb stairs

i want the little things i never realized i wanted

i want my whining to be about crying babies and car seats and doing hair...

i don't want to be pregnant anymore...

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

i thought i just saw the finish line...who the fuck keeps moving me cheese?

I am sooo over being pregnant.



I'm 38 weeks and 5 days and I'm sick and tired of being pregnant. I've been counting down to August 4th since December...and now it's literally in shouting distance. Its close enough I can taste it...I can smell it. I feel the breeze coming off of it

and now my doctor is talking about 41 weeks

41 weeks and possible csection

like fuck you, too!

No dilation. no effacement. nothing. no talks of induction. no talks of squats or sex or walking for hours...just csection.

the baby's big

i get it

she's high and tight

i get it

she's so friggin comfortable she's not even THINKING about sliding into home base

like wtf?!?!

we had a long talk last night...me and baby. i explained to her how this is all going to work out. what she's going to do...what i'm going to do...and how important it is that she gets into the ball game

i haven't seen her following through on her side of the deal...but i'm hoping. i'm hoping she's just stubborn like her parents. that she's just oppositional like her father and will just eventually do what she needs to do in her own time

just surprise me, darling. take your time...but do what we've discussed.

i'd really appreciate it

because at this point...

it feels like i'm going to be pregnant


Wednesday, July 20, 2011


i might be hormonal...actually i am absolutely positive that I am- being 9 months pregnant with a 30 pound child...but i don't think me asking you to carry a fucking vacuum down 3 flights of stairs is enough to warrant a week of silence.

this is bull shit.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

i miss you

i miss sleeping...

people keep telling me that this is just my body preparing me for the rest of my life. no sleep at night. surviving off of fumes.

what they don't seem to understand is that once LO comes I can share the responsibility with Aaron. While she's incubating it's just me pacing the halls with her.

I'm sure i'll miss this. The feeling of her stretching and kicking inside of me. the tickling feeling of her hiccups and her fingers. the stretch and pull of her trying to make room where there isn't any.

but all i can think of right now is how much i miss sleeping

i miss sleeping on my stomach

i miss sleeping on my back

i miss sleeping laying down

i miss cuddling up next to aaron and knocking out as soon as the lights turn off

i miss sleeping straight until my alarm clock goes off

i miss 2 blankets and a fan on while i'm sleeping

i miss layering clothes before i go to bed

i miss hot showers right before sleep

god i miss sleeping...

now my night consists of fans and light sheets. piles of pillows to create and awkward half up half down position so i can breathe. falling asleep at 8 with the tv on to wake up at 12 with everything off except for me. peeing every 20 minutes. no comfortable position for longer than 10

and no real rest UNTIL the alarm goes off. Its always the last 5 minutes that I actually get comfortable. that last second before it's time to go to work that I actually could clothes my eyes and just stay...

i think while other ppl dream of amazing nights of hot sex or romantic nights of moon night strolls on sandy beaches... i will always dream of long nights with just me

and my pillows

and sleep

Monday, July 11, 2011

eviction notice

i love my daughter. i love her like i've never loved anything or anyone in my entire life.

she is my life...

i would give my life for her and i haven't even seen what she looks like...

but i promise

i cross my heart...

if she starts kicking me in the back like she did on monday afternoon i will evict her from her homestead

i am almost 37 weeks pregnant and i don't have anywhere else to go. MY belly can't possibly stretch anymore. i thought 5 months ago that was as far as i could get. i've surprised myself. currently the largest thing on me is my middle. i think if i measured around my waist and held it straight it would be as tall as i cam.

she was 7pounds 5 ounces 2 weeks ago...and she's just packing on the weight now.

she has my chubby cheeks and her father's powerful thighs.

and i don't think my back can take another day of her tantrums.

in all honesty i'm not ready for her to come out. i still have some cleaning to do. some relaxing to do...a few more weeks of working to do...

but we'll see. she's holding all of the cards at the moment. and i'm being run by a little person living inside of me

but, Little Bear, if you can hear me...mommy does not like you kicking me...

please stop

love, mommy

Friday, July 8, 2011

a piece of advice

if you never listen to a thing i say...and you just read this to laugh at the daily nonsense i'm put through...

please at least remember this one tidbit of advice:

marriage counselors are a god send.

this isn't our first counselor...we actually failed with him. I'm not sure if i posted that story or if its lost in the sea of saved, but unpublished entries.

it was ugly. a massacre. a debacle.

a jolly old gentleman who told aaron to stand up for himself...so aaron stood up...against the counselor.

i should have known it would end in flames after the first evening.

i loved the man. he's a pastor at my church. i see him rather often actually. aaron however. well lets just hope they never cross each others paths again.

well Pastor M (i probabaly should have mentioned his name earlier in this post) referred us to Justin.

I personally was ready to give up. I mean seriously, who fails marriage counseling? but we went and met with him. i expected the same thing to happen. we walk into the room where a man who barely reaches 5'9" and somewhere between 27 and 39 - a stocky little man with a huge personality who had the audacity to curse in a church.

it was love at first sight

i must admit that it feels like the conversation tends to turn more towards football, weight lifting and injuries...but real matters get discusses in the middle.

we talk about concerns. he listens. asks questions. poses ideas. turns it into a sports analogy i don't understand but some how issues get resolved.

- - -

we are having some huge cultural differences. that's the only way i can think of describing it. i knew from the beginning that Aaron was from a large hispanic family. That's what i loved about it. all of the laughter and joy. the bickering the making up. Even when we weren't together i loved it. Hell i talked to his mother at least once a month while we weren't together.

but then i got pregnant

and everything changed

all of a sudden i wasn't the GF anymore...i was ONE OF THEM...and my child was THEIRS...and my opinions were the last anyone cared to hear about.

it was like one day everything was great and the next day....no one spoke to me again.

i don't even know if we talk now. they tell me what they've planned. i tell them no thanks we already have it covered and pause. repeat. i swear everything turns into a discussion.

no i don't want to do that

well i think you should

well i really don't want to do that

well we all think you should

well i'm not doing it

well we were so sure that you would

no. i'm not

o. ok...well we really think it would be best if you would.

it makes me want to rip my hair out. Aaron is immune...he just ignores it. pretends to be asleep. walks away. says ok and then just does w/e it is that he wanted to do in the first place.

I don't want to play these games for the rest of my life

my way of avoiding it and just not going over there. just not talking to them.

so now they think i don't like them...but how do i tell them its not that i don't like you...i just don't like how to try to control my life.

its an issue that aaron will have to step inbetween for the rest of our lives together. i just don't have the patience for it...i just don't have the attention span to care about their hurt feelings

but at least last night we were able to talk about it. at least the tip of the iceberg anyway.

and it was nice that the Justin understood where i was coming from. he understood extended families. he understood how crazy ppl get when babies come along. he knew what we needed...

and i appreacitate that.

i'm not saying everythings fixed. i'm not saying that the world is rainbows and unicorns...

but i can say that today...today its sunny out...and i'm not afraid of the ppl that usually make it rain

and i can thank our counselor for that

Thursday, July 7, 2011

i don't want to talk about it

there's a woman in my office that is very quickly getting on my nerves. I don't know if it's hormones or just the fact that i'm over ignorance.

She's a nice girl, don't get my wrong. She's funny and friendly...and ghetoo as hell. Barely graduated from highschool...been with the same guy since middle school. broken up and gotten back together while living together for almost 10 years now and have a child together.

She misses being pregnant...and continues to tell me how much i'm going to miss it as well

i really don't understand what its with other women telling you about yourself when you're pregnant. please Lord...don't let me become one of those women...

She comes up to my desk to replay her birthing experience. to cuss about the lactation coach who tried to force her into breast feeding. about how women with csections have flatter stomachs faster...and how she can't wait to see my baby

and why aren't i ask excited


i'm at work...i'm not talking about being pregnant...i'm just at work.

and the fact that throughout this entire pregnancy all anyone else has done was tell me how i should be reacting has made it so i've never had to chance to really have my own feelings about the situation

i am excited. i love her. its funny to feel her wiggling inside of me. i wonder what she's going to look like. i can't wait to meet her

but i'm sick and friggin tired of eveyrone TELLING me what she's going to look like. how tall she's going to be. when she's going to be born. how she's going to act. how i'm going to act

back the fuck off!

i'm excited...i am...but i don't want to talk about it

and i particularly don't want to hear you talking about it either.

i finally told her that i don't really feel like talking about it anymore...its the only subject anyone will discuss with me now. its been 9 months of the exact same topic...lord...can someone talk about something other than what it was like when they gave birth or tried to breast feed?!?!

she told me I was being stank...and she can't wait until the baby's out so she can kick my butt

i walked away


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

rules for DDay

I'm creating a list of rules and regulations for delivery...my mother thinks I'm being controlling...which is partly true...but also for the simple fact that once delivery is literally within seeing distance you slowly, but surely lose your mind.

Every time i turn around I hear about another random relative being invited for EDD and its driving me nuts. 1) because no one asked me how i felt about it and 2) because everyone is only thinking of themselves.

For once....i'm being completely selfish and considering my own feelings after i give birth.

so this is what i have so far:

I would like to set up some ground rules…because i think its only fair as I’m the one who’s giving birth to the baby and I’m starting to feel like everything ifs being taken out of my hands without asking me.

1) The day I go into labor – we’ll let everyone know, but please don’t come to the
hospital - wait until we call and say we are ready for visitors
This rule is to prevent unneeded stress to both the laboring woman (holly) and the laboring attendants (mom and Aaron). We will let Aaron’s mother know and my sister as soon as the baby is born and let them know when they can come to the hospital once I’ve been moved to the mommy and me floor

2) Please on the day that the baby is born i would like to limit visitors to just immediate family, (ie mom, dad, sister, brother. Please no extended family)
I understand that everyone is very excited to meet the baby, but I expect to be very tired after giving birth and would like time to rest. I would also like to have time with just my baby and my husband to bond as well as to establish breastfeeding. These are moments that can’t be taken back and I would really appreciate if everyone respected the need to calm and solace.

3) The day after delivery can we please limit visitors to the following times

4) When visiting – please no more than 4 people plus parents in the room.

5) Upon release from the hospital – please respect the same visiting hours and number of people at a time.

6) No pictures on facebook. I don’t want my daughter flashed across the Internet and when she is i want it to be done by either her father or mother.

7) Please respect the parents’ wishes. We understand that the advice given is from seasoned parents, but as this is our first child, we have our own ideas and plans on how to raise her. We will ask when we need help and advice, but extreme amount of advice can be overwhelming and will most likely be ignored.

do i think any of these will go over smoothly? OF COURSE NOT

do i expect a lot of family discussion about it? DEFINITELY

will i continue to do this for the rest of my life? IF I THINK ITS NECESSARY

we are coming from 2 completely different cultures. 1 that thinks as a unit and one that thinks as individuals.

I only need one person to depend on and i need that to be my husband....so i need him...for ONCE....to see things from my point of view. just once to back me on what i think is important and just ONCE(!!!!) stand up to his mother and tell her to sit the fuck down.

i'm not going to stress too much about this...but trust and believe that I will be telling the hospital staff the same things...so if aaron can't grow some...i know they will

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I don't know how I could possible have postpartum depression after the stressed out depressed nine months that i've just gone through.

I guess in hispanic families they prevent PPD by treating pregnant women like shit and celebrating the father of the child for knocking them up. since the moment i let them know that we conceived i've been cut off, ignored, brushed aside, reprimanded, corrected and told that i'm "overly protective." I think at this point i'm prepared for absolutely anything after the baby is born.

they, however, have no idea just how overly protective i plan on becoming....

5 more weeks until EDD (expected delivery day). I'm looking forward to finally meeting the little girl who has claimed residence of my body...and at the same time dreading having to share her with other people. I almost want to hold her in to protect her from the firestorm that her birth will cause in this family.

I'm completely over the group think.

I'm done with the extended family mentality

I'm over the cultural difference and the excuses

"this is what we do"

"this is how it's always been done"

" this is who we are"

when are they going to realize that i'm not one of them...and my daughter won't be raised that way.

how dare she tell me i "can't be overly protective." maybe someone should have been more protective with their children. Maybe then they wouldn't all have smoked weed and had sex before ever getting a high school diploma. Maybe someone would have graduated from college now. Maybe the honor roll would have been an actuality rather than a dream. Maybe they would have succeeded more in life if someone actually looked out for their children rather than what everyone else thought was the right thing to do.

My mother was overly protective with us...and maybe we didn't do things the way she planned...but we all have graduated from college. We all can support ourselves. We all succeeded in life to this point. no one can fault her for the choice that she made to put us first in life...and no one will fault me.

fuck all of you and your group think.

fuck you and your third world mentality.

fuck you for looking down your ignorant noses at me for wanting more for my child than you ever wanted for yours.

In your desperate attempt to keep everyone on the same level you have hindered yourself for generations. I want my daughter to far exceed even the heights that I have dreamt for myself.

i hope that she looks back on you all and shakes her head...that you all were small hurdles that her mother over took so that she could claim her spot in the stars

how dare you expect her to huddle on the ground with you all...

....when there is an entire universe for her to explore.

fuck you all very much...for showing me that at the end of the day...none of you matter