a letter of advice - Day 1

Dear Miss L,


I've been trying to figure exactly what it is that i have been wanting to say to you. Its ironic because we are in the same position- or rather i've been in your position, years ago when this all began and he had someone else that had stayed and left and came back and he wasn't sure which way he wanted to go.


i ought to thank you. You said that i was able to revel in ignorance. and i did. i enjoyed 3 months of actually believing that aaron wanted only me. that aaron was willing to give up anything just to be with me and he would continuously point it out on every occasion. "you know i love you. i left her because i wanted you." the certainty in his statements were strong enough to erase the doubt that 3 years of being with him had created.


i won't lie and say that i'm surprised that you exist. there's always one like you. if it weren't you it would be someone else this i know because when you weren't answering he immediately sought the attentions of darneesha and jade and liz and anyone else that could comfort him in his times of weakness- in those moments when he thought that someone who was too good wouldn't stay.


lol...you heard that line before too...


and you decided to stay. much like several of the others had. willing to take bits and parts when you should have probably been demanding the whole...in a desperate plead that one day he'd realize that you were everything that i could never be....but i guess you didn't stop to thinking that if it weren't me, (just as if it weren't you), it would be someone else.


don't think that the lines that he's feeding you are any different than the lines i've already heard. don't think i don't hear your words repeated from his lips in angry. don't think i don't know.


don't think i'm dumb....just know that i've paid my dues. and i've worked...i've worked hard to keep someone who rarely knows which way he wants to go...and i know that times that he's shown up at my house crying begging me to stay. the times that he says he's just dumb and he didn't mean it. and that i should know he only wants me. we have forever.




it all comes down to how much you're willing to take. how much you willing to accept.




if his potential is worth the wait. if the love is strong enough. the connection. he belief that maybe it'll all turn out in the end.




it always comes down to that. the hope.






i'd greatly appreciate if you refrained from giving him advice. i'm sure you do it out of the goodness of your heart...but from one woman scorned to another...its a waste of time if you're not there constantly to back it up.


stop waiting. because there will always be another.



stop writing. its blowing up your spot.





but if all of the advice is for naught...then the most important thing i can possibly say is to simply play your role.






if he wanted you. he would be with you.




the end.










so go ahead. go hang out with the boys. finance his expenses. wait for the days that i'm not there to hang out and the phone calls after he's done talking to me...and stay there. and don't want for more.


its a waste of time.




enjoy the little hand outs that he's willing to give. because at the end of the day- when he's done playing these games and telling you what you want to hear so you can tell him what he does....he comes home to me.










and you can wait and have him when i'm done...if that ever happens. patience is a virtue they say. and then you both can talk about all the times you missed and how horrible i was...and know that he'll be probably be calling me then to....






::shrugs::








i guess thats all for now.








have fun at the football game in october. i'm sure it'll be amazing.


-Holly







oh and p.s. i really like your blog

Deja vu

so i found a blog yesterday....just surfing the web and being nosey as most females....scratch that....most people are on random days of when they have a feeling they're missing something.

i fond a blog that had me in it.

and i didn't quite know what to do....

at first i thought it was nothing. just the angry ramblings of a girl scorned...but i kept reading about things she couldn't have known about. things he shouldn't have said. and suddenly i watched a tunnel appear before my eyes mapping out my future in these endless moments of realization that always occur when i'm with you.

i wrote an entry yesterday.

on my computer at work that i considered posting...but at the last minute stopped and changed it entirely to what i actually poster. i stopped myself from listing my fears and doubts and concerns because i thought they were all for naught. that i would actually get myself to do what he's been asking me to do. i would try. i would trust him even though he had never given me a reason to in the first place.

and i came home and realized i probably should i have just followed my gut all along.

i emailed him the link. i couldn't find a slicker way of telling him. and he called and i told him to check his mail. and he asked why and i told him to just do it. stuck in this weird place where i couldn't stop laughing and finding humor in the entire situation.

it was like 2 years ago...when i found out about darneesha. when i was sitting on the floor next to him while he slept and his phone went off and i glanced over and saw my name....

and i cried. and i begged. and screamed. and i was with him the next day.

anyway. back to where we were. he started asking all these questions. flipping the situation to it being me for searching. and who was i going to believe him or her? and obviously she's crazy and she's lying. i have to see that.

and i just started reading things to him. things that she said that she couldn't have known. things he said that i've heard him say before.

and he tried to come up with an arguing point.

he tried.

and when he couldn't try anymore he said he didn't like being interrogated.

i told him i wasn't interrogating. the floor was open. i wasn't asking questions. i was reading.

he came up with reasons for everything. he called once. he never went over. he only said that to get her off the phone. he never told her he loved her. he never loved her....

on and on and i listened.

and waited for him to slip...which he did.

and i heard about his plans to go to a football game with her in october. and how he spoke to her 2 weeks ago and that was why he flipped. everytime he snaps its because he speaks to her he said. that all he wanted was to have me and still be friends with her and just not tell me.

i don't tell you stuff because i know you'll be mad....

i've told you before that i'd rather hear them from you...i get mad because i hear them from everyone else.

he said he didn't know what to do

i told him i couldn't tell him what.

the ball was in his court as always.

the phone died at some point and ashley came to pick me up.

he called twice more throughout the evening to tell me about getting my car fixed tomorrow. and that he'd see me in the am

i said ok. i've been waiting for him to call his friends about that for a while.

i won't lie and say that i know what to do. ranting to ashley i had such a plan. such an idea. i laughed as i told her the story and she asked. no. she stated

you love him

ha...yeah. but i'm not retarded.

or maybe i am because he constantly treats me like i must be.

i remember talking to his mother and she said that aaron couldn't keep going back and forth...and i brushed the comment aside not understand what she meant.

now i do.

and through the blog she talks about texts. but i wonder who's phone he's using there.

i'm trying to lay all my egg in a row. see what i have. what i could have. what i should let go...and have a plan before i see him

because right now i'm standing on a stone in an ocean before a storm and i have no way out...

he said gaby told him that if he was going to be with me he could never talk to her again. he said he knew.

i guess he just didn't listened.

i guess he just doesn't know what he wants.

lets see what he says today. after talking to his friends. after talking to her. lets see what angle he takes.

lord, please protect me...please help

Second Guessing

. . .

you know how they say time flies when you're having fun....and the day goes quicker when you stay busy....well something must be wrong with today

because its only 12:33

and i feel like it should be 5

its been a hectic morning, transitioning from one set of people to another and tying up loose ends before the weekend. there have been numerous melt downs. a couple of arguments. a few minutes set aside for gossiping and yet here we still are.


i don't even know what to say.


i have little to show for the hours of work...but everyday seems to go that way. a full day and at the end i have to stop and wonder what exactly i did for most of it.




yesterday was dramatic. no i shouldn't say that. it wasn't yesterday. it was more like midnight.

aaron and i play this game where we pretend like the other doesn't know. or rather aaron plays the game and i watch it happen. this silent truce that things are as they appear and theres no secret underlaying plot that we're both trying to figure out.

i usually play along for awhile. i tend to prefer the rose tinted perspective of a woman in love to reality...but eventually i throw my chips in. i always do. i lay them on the table and see what hand you choose to play.

like playing poker when i already know your hand


or BS


and we resolve the issue...or yell and cry and pretend like there is no longer an issue...and wait until the game begins again.



you started playing that game again yesterday. or maybe you've been playing it for a while and its just now that i'm starting to read it for what it is. i'm rusty at this now it seems...





but that doesn't mean i don't know.



it doesn't mean i won't act...it just means that its begun again.







and i don't know





if






i really want to play this













anymore..............

..........

lets be realistic

so yesterday was the day from hell...maybe its just the week from hell...things just haven't been going great for me since monday. thank goodness its almost over.

today has been much better. my coworker's last day is tomorrow. we threw together a going away bash in about 15 minutes and have enough food to feed a small nation...oh well. better too much than too little.

been rather upset over a conversation from yesterday. I don't know if i got upset because of the subject or if i was already upset from before.

remember when i said it was like no time has passed? Like we just started again last august. except the the positions are reversed. and i'm the one waiting and he's the one going...and he says its not because he's getting back at me...but he just likes to

::blank stare::

the concept of playing with fire comes to mind...

something about if you don't like the heat and staying out of the kitchen.

strange cliches.

just ideas....



and nothing else.

oh well. i guess i'll call some people. make some plans. go some places

change my priorities a little.

fix them

be realistic.

for once...

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

second time around

I haven't updated in a while. and while i probably cook blame this on my life being relatively peaceful at the moment and i tend to use this place to rant...but rather i've just been too busy...

not to mention the last time I tried to upload this post half of it erased. so this is attempt number 2...

Rebecca got into Catholic University for law! She put in her two weeks notice. We're all sooo happy for her. They are going to be hard shoes to fill...as long as my coworker terry will get off my back everything will go smoothly...



this chick...OMG....so she hears that Becky is leaving and tries to bumrush the position. go ahead- you can have it. She's a federal employee who's been here for over 5 years. she has preference. she has the grade level. she has a bad attitude.



she scheduled a meeting with my manager, which was sneaky because i handle her calendar- as well as 2 other ppls as well...so who knows how she finagled her way on there. then she proceeds to talk to her for 2 hours telling her (phyllis,my manager) all of her accomplishments, her work experience, her expertise...and how she deserves more responsibility and more work...



phyllis asks Terry if she's telling her this because she wants to apply for the new position that opened up in the other building...she said no. she want's becky's job.



sry that one hasn't been posted





simmer down...



any way. my boss is out of town so phyllis makes an executive decision to shut terry up. "look over the SOPs and assess them. Get back to me with what you think should be changed...while your at it- give me your working hours and what you do during the day because i need to make sure your working all 8 hours because you're saying that you don't have enough to do..."



so this chick comes back and tells paula and me that she has been promoted and is now the supervisor of the front office and that we need to provide a list of our daily activities to her asap and that things are going to change. "things haven't been working the way that they've been going...and we're going to change them so they are..."



i thought things were working fine...



however, they would work better if you picked up the phone once in a while

or did anything once in a while

but i never cared. we work on two different things. you stay on your side. i'll stay on mine.



well homie decided to cross the line



destroy the line



she kicked that crap to the floor and danced on its grave...





i gave her my list of activities. i have to provide my contracting company with a monthly list of accomplishments so i printed her May's list. She then proceeded to ask me about each one as if i was lying about it...and came back to follow up on them and make sure i was actually doing them throughout the day....





i went to my COTR, i snitched. i shouldn't have...but i don't have to answer to anyone, but him. I'm a contractor...we don't answer to the same ppl...



she kept going. for two days she acted a fool





she took 2 hour lunches. she woulnd't talk to anyone unless she was telling us what to do.



paula even went to the COTR and her mother owns my company...



things get worse before they got better....





i spoke to phyllis yesterday on my way to work



she stopped by after a meeting and as she was leaving

"ummm phyllis i actually wanted to talk to you..."

"oh really...?"her head tilting to the side like a amused if not slightly confused puppy (for some reason Phylis has always reminded my of a puppy. maybe its the hair...or her eagerness to please my boss...its sweet...its endearing...its kind of weird...)

"its about terry"



Phyllis busted out laughing....she said that she doesn't know what happened. Terry came and spoke to her. She told her to look over the SOPs. she said htat she told her she could handle things so phyllis gave her an assignment to see if she could handle it...

Update on the Terry situation. Phyllis talked to me on Friday and said that she reiterated what she had asked Terry to do...but supposedly thats what terry thinks she's doing. (side eye..) terry decided to take her customary 2 hour lunch and then leave at noon which i said nothing about. wow i can't wait to be federal...life would be so much easier if i literally had no rules to follow. (note to self- finish KSAs...)Now we hae to have a front office meeting to discuss everything. I'm waiting until rebecca gets here to talk about it...i'm not ready to confront terry on my own.

the weekend was good. minus the UFC party awkwardness. i'm going to have to tell the background story of that one day. probably later today when i have time.

things are good with Bear-Bear....i don't want to jinx anything so i'll leave details to the imagination and probably come back and rant later. (goodness this post was better the first time around)

its as if last summer never happened. like last year never happened. that we simply ignored August to June and picked up in August as if we had always been here...we don't talk about the differences but we know they're there. the changes in music. the newly acquired tastes in food. the clothes the attitude on both sides things have changed. little inconsequential things...but its like suddenly looking at your right hand and seeing freckles there that had never been there before.

tell me something i don't know about you...

he looked at me and shrugged and laughed as if to say that i know pretty much all there is...and i did...but not anymore.

but even than there is only so much i want to know...we have talked about the few things we wanted to know.

the one date i went on- antonio

where- ben's chili bowl

what did you talk about - you...ironically...

he was furious either way. i tol dhim he wasn't justified. that i haven't said anything about his relationship. i never said a word about that. but he's mad that i had the audacity to go on a date...

he doesn't talk about her. he knows me well enough that i'm curious but not enough to want him to tell me. he told me enough about jordana the first time around that i'd prefer to live with the mystery of this one. he had in june. he mentioned her. the good things. what he liked. the bad. the different. he told me he wished they could still be friends but that he knew i would never be ok with it.

i never said no. i simply never said yes. she ended up making the decision for him. simply by saying not to contact her again.

i have enough issues with his BFF Neesha...i don't know if i could deal with two girls who love him popping up at all occasions. that doesn't mean i'm not curious.

he says its nosey...this was after he grilled me on tony...and went though my missed calls. we're too much a like in the little ways to notice these small things. he says he want's his independence. i told him i never took it. he said he wants his privacy. i said i want to trust him.

its the usual conversation. it happens silently now...after the black-out-blow-out. I told him not to leave messages anymore...

so we're here in limbo. that he's ok with but not ok with. he wants to say friends but if i do he growls. or if someone says hi. or smiles. or walks to close. or sits to near. i told him it was his decision. its comfortable how it is right now. I think i'm most afraid that i'll get too comfortable here. that we both will.

eh...

i liked this post better the first time...oh well....we can't always have what we want.