enjoy it while you can

I went to my primary care yesterday. I seem to have a cold that will never end. it started as allergies and morphed into some kind of monster that is ruining my life. When I saw my OB about 2 weeks ago he told me that there wasn't much he could do. He said drink plenty of orange juice and use afrin

my PC told me to only use afrin for emergencies.

he also told me to vacuum my room and dust.

lol

he's a cute older man who's missing part of his left pointer finger. he uses his doctor's stool to wheel he's heft around the examining rooms and jokes about his wife and children. he's sweet in an adorable grandfather kind of way.

He asked me how fat along I was. and smiled. and told me to enjoy it

"this is the only time you'll ever have complete control over [your baby]"

he went on...talking about how women have a special connection with their children. "love them" he said. men have short attention spans. maybe 5 - 10 minutes they'll focus and then they are onto something else while women for 24 hours in a day are focuses on their children.

he always says the things that mean the most.

i broke up with aaron last weekend.

everyone laughs and says it won't last...but there are somethings that are unforgivable...somethings that tear you down from the inside...and i don't know how much longer i can deal with those.

There are few people who can make me feel inferior. i grew up in a household where it was my father's tactic to control us through intimidation. it worked occasionally. i was one of the few who wouldn't be held down.

but when he walked out. and started over. and named his youngest child the name that was meant for me...it was another nail in the coffin of the love i had felt for him

the moment when you realize that you've finally been completely replaced.

aaron has a way of doing that. of making it seem as if there is always something that won't be good enough for him. its ironic that he can do that. as if he is the prize and i the fighter. in every other relationship its the other way around...but with him its me constantly begging for affection...me constantly waiting for approval.

even when he had nothing to offer all i wanted was him...and he came with a list of stipulations.

after everything we've been though...

everything he's done...

he had the audacity to ask more of me....

and scoff when i asked for small tokens in return.

i won't beg. i don't need to. i don't deserve it.

at the time he's telling me to wait on filing our taxes until we get married...he's texting some new girl in his phone.

there's always someone else.

my sister told me to not sweat it. that while i'm pregnant to let things slide otherwise i was bound to lose my mind. ...but i refuse to settle for less because i'm in this situation.

i refuse to settle for handouts when i could just be patient and wait for my prize.

i have more to live for now than this. i have more to focus on. something bigger than me just waiting for their time.

and if that means i have to go this alone...than i will.

because i don't have time to wait any longer...

i'm sorry i wasn't enough...