Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Monday, February 28, 2011

don't give a f-

i just had a moodswing.

actually i don't even know if it was a moodswing as much as an outburst of emotion. that rarely occurs. I'm an angry crier...not something that i'm particularly proud of, but something i've grown accustomed to.

well i didn't cry this time. i went off. calmly to a certain point.

a coworker decided to use me to make an example during a staff meeting.

problem: her facts were wrong and her argument was weak....

and i all but told her so.... her response was to say the same things louder and more aggressively...

ummm....do you realize i'm pregnant...


have a seat

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Officially Team Pink

Latest update:

I got into a fight with the receptionists at my OB.

They are pretty incompetent. I kept asking what the point of my 16 week visit was if I wasn't having a full anatomy. They had no idea and told me to just cancel...i told them to give me a nurse to talk to...which meant they put me on hold until i hung up and then called back. it took me around 4 to 5 calls ebfore they finally told me it was for the rest of my blood work and (quote)
"you can tell you BF not to bother coming. you're not going to have a sonogram. i mean if you do...well you do...but you're not supposed to"


so i scheduled a sonogram at That's My Baby, a place just for sonograms and gender screenings in Bowie.

Monday was a day off so i scheduled it and told aaron to meet me there (regardless of the ongoing strife...its your kid so either be there for them or dip...) my sister and mother were coming, mom backed out due to work and aaron's little sister took her place.

i was wrong totally wrong every prediction that i had said. that deep gut feeling... wrong wrong wrong lol. i'm officially team pink. or rather Team Purple.

I'm having a little girl in august. Or if she has any say in it...in July. She's measuring 2 weeks larger than she really is. with big feet and a big head...and she's tap dancing on my bladder...nestled right underneath my belly button.

none of this seems like much to you...but let me explain. At 16 weeks your uterous should be half the distance from your pelvic bone to your belly button. the baby should be around 4 1/2 inches long and way about 3 1/2 ounces. roughly the size of an avocado. my baby...is 8 ounces. an avocado might seem small in comparison to my 5'9" sister. i'm 5'3" (and barely). An avocado in comparison to my torso is pretty big...and knowing she's showing up around the size of an 18 weeker...well....its terrifying. if i show up in June and they tell me that she is already 10 pounds I'm going to say to induce me immediately. lol

i have another doctor's appointment in March. March 4th to be exact. A full anatomy with one of the OBs at my office ( there are 7....so i'm pretty sure I'll never see the same one twice...) we'll see if anything changed. Like if a hamburger suddenly morfs into a hot dog

There is plenty that I could say about Aaron...but not today. I'm too tired to talk about it. Life is changing so constantly that I'm simply too tired to keep holding on and trying to catch up... i think i'll just watch it for a while and create my only little nest out here for the time being... a little nest for me and my little girl.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Well I guess its official

So i'm crazy about grilled cheese at the moment. I mean i eat one at least once a day...if not twice.

Well i ran over to the other building to grab a grilled cheese to breakfast since my coworker was running late and my boss had her door closed thus could not fault me for leaving the office unattended. Waiting in a ridiculously long line for the quickest possible food and then grabbed a bunch of unnecessary snack foods which rikia ate before i ever got to them (at least I had a salad for lunch)...got into line with my favorite cashier - a little hispanic women we you can tell who she likes by how much spanish she chooses to speak (Homa Mami, Hello sir...)

She laughed at my smile "you have a lot of energy! ha ha. i have none. not in the morning"

"o...well actually i was just really excited about my food"

she laughed "no its good. this is good. its good for the baby"

looks down at protruding belly.
looks up at smiling cashier...


well i guess the secrets out

Friday, February 11, 2011

kicks and flips

i felt him move again last night. i think i'm move in touch with whats going on.

I mean its dreadfully hard to distinguish between gas and flutters...lucky for me we've skipped flutters and moved to flips...and now to kicks...

it was last night. aaron passed out mid sentence around 10:30 (can't believe that actually happened). i turned on the princess and the frog and laid back to enjoy when all of a sudden a felt it. a kick...and then another. i just laid there afraid to move. i wanted it to keep going. it was another couple of minutes before the next movement. he's not too fond of my on my back. i feel him the most them. and then once i turn to my side i can almost hear him huff and puff as he tries to get comfortable again.

its comforting- the reminder that he's in there and ok...

i asked aaron if he would be upset if it were a girl

"i'd actually be surprised if it was. i kinda want it to be a girl because i love Annie so much"

my niece's name is Anneliese. Ani (ah-knee) for short. Aaron is literally the only one who calls her Annie...she responds. but i think she'd respond to him calling her bob...

it was cute to see him say that.

i'm trying to stay impartial. i don't know what i want. i just feel like its a boy. i'll be surprised if i'm wrong. regardless they'll be loved.

i just want healthy.

healthy and happy.

i'd be happy with anything.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

a trip down memory lane

so i think i've told everyone of importance that i'm pregnant. well everyone at my job of importance.

no wait. i haven't told me displaced boss. i don't really know how to tell her yet. i think i'm going to wait until rikia comes back. i feel like she'll be disappointed. all of her plans that she had for me...and now i'm knocked up.

random: it kind of weirds me out when ppl say "congrats" when i tell them i'm pregnant. i guess its the standard statement...but i feel like this isn't some great accomplishment. like i didn't win a marathon. i didn't receive a degree of some sort...i wasn't even trying when this happened

i'm sure for women he have tried for years to conceive when they find out they deserve the congrats. or maybe their husband does...or their uterus. or the doctor who successful planted the egg

i just didn't do what my mother always told me to

and now here i am

thanks for the congrats...but i'm pretty sure you wouldn't be saying that if you saw how this all came about

i saw jemar last week. he graduated from school in december. he's working and studying for the bar at the moment. finally let go of rhirhi and is just sort os hoeing it out....again...

its good to see old friends.

he's one of those guys that i can hate and stop talking to for 5 years and yet when we see each other again its like nothing happened and we can talk for hours. thats what happened. i was planning on only being there for 5 minutes...4 hours late i'm barely keeping my eyes open and dragging myself home.

he couldn't believe i'm pregnant. "I always imagined you as the cool aunt who travels the world"

yeah...me too. lol

we reminisced over mcdaniel days and mcdaniel friends. about law schools and lsats.he asked me what i was going to do about law school now. i told him i had bigger things to worry about

maybe once the babys in school. maybe when things settle down for a while

he said "we'll get you in...even if we have to grandfather you in..."

we laughed about his old relationships. his old conquests. his hoeing days...that will probably continue until he's just ready to have kids.

"i can see you just settling down like - we'll make cute kids...you could be happy with anyone"

he laughed knowing i was right

he finally told me the truth about khalilah.

"what took you so damn long?"

"well i thought they were still talking. i don't want stuff getting back..."

w/e...i knew from the begining. jemar doesn't try to fuck someone...he...well he does.

"you're a tall black man who graduated from school, no kids, no drama with a JD...yeah being a tall black man alone would get you laid...the rest is just extra"

he said all the things you want someone to say about your bf ex. laughed where i wanted him to laugh. mocked where i needed him to mock. he offered to call her. i told him it wasn't necesary. hell i'll probably see her on the train tomorrow...

he asked me what i saw in aaron. how things are going. what the plan was...i answered to the best of my ability. the plan question catches me each time.

its good to run into him time and time again...he's moving back to NY in march... so i guess the random visits will end then.

he's like a relic from my past. the boy who will never fully become the man i know he is.

when he does i don't really know what i'll do

but its nice

just for a moment

to be that girl again

Monday, February 7, 2011

hello little one

dear little bear,

i think i felt you move last night. i've been waiting for weeks just to know you were there. i begged and pleaded just to know that i wasn't alone thinking that you were within me...and then i felt it.


and faint

and wonderful...

and just like you it wasn't a kick...but i bigger display of what you have to offer.

i felt a flip.

a little twirl...

deep in my abdomen

and a laid there silently wondering.

if it were possible...for my heart to move to that one point

and have you fill every empty spot that was there

i never knew

falling in love

was so fast

I love you,


Wednesday, February 2, 2011


enjoy it while you can

I went to my primary care yesterday. I seem to have a cold that will never end. it started as allergies and morphed into some kind of monster that is ruining my life. When I saw my OB about 2 weeks ago he told me that there wasn't much he could do. He said drink plenty of orange juice and use afrin

my PC told me to only use afrin for emergencies.

he also told me to vacuum my room and dust.


he's a cute older man who's missing part of his left pointer finger. he uses his doctor's stool to wheel he's heft around the examining rooms and jokes about his wife and children. he's sweet in an adorable grandfather kind of way.

He asked me how fat along I was. and smiled. and told me to enjoy it

"this is the only time you'll ever have complete control over [your baby]"

he went on...talking about how women have a special connection with their children. "love them" he said. men have short attention spans. maybe 5 - 10 minutes they'll focus and then they are onto something else while women for 24 hours in a day are focuses on their children.

he always says the things that mean the most.

i broke up with aaron last weekend.

everyone laughs and says it won't last...but there are somethings that are unforgivable...somethings that tear you down from the inside...and i don't know how much longer i can deal with those.

There are few people who can make me feel inferior. i grew up in a household where it was my father's tactic to control us through intimidation. it worked occasionally. i was one of the few who wouldn't be held down.

but when he walked out. and started over. and named his youngest child the name that was meant for me...it was another nail in the coffin of the love i had felt for him

the moment when you realize that you've finally been completely replaced.

aaron has a way of doing that. of making it seem as if there is always something that won't be good enough for him. its ironic that he can do that. as if he is the prize and i the fighter. in every other relationship its the other way around...but with him its me constantly begging for affection...me constantly waiting for approval.

even when he had nothing to offer all i wanted was him...and he came with a list of stipulations.

after everything we've been though...

everything he's done...

he had the audacity to ask more of me....

and scoff when i asked for small tokens in return.

i won't beg. i don't need to. i don't deserve it.

at the time he's telling me to wait on filing our taxes until we get married...he's texting some new girl in his phone.

there's always someone else.

my sister told me to not sweat it. that while i'm pregnant to let things slide otherwise i was bound to lose my mind. ...but i refuse to settle for less because i'm in this situation.

i refuse to settle for handouts when i could just be patient and wait for my prize.

i have more to live for now than this. i have more to focus on. something bigger than me just waiting for their time.

and if that means i have to go this alone...than i will.

because i don't have time to wait any longer...

i'm sorry i wasn't enough...