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Thursday, November 18, 2010

i need to start posting these right after i write them...

We were talking the other day. It probably was a week ago…maybe longer. I was calling him a brat. I tend to do that these days but it could simply be because I’m seeing parts of him that I never saw before. The every day. Saturday mornings. Arguments with his mother. Refusals to act…and I don’t know. It doesn’t line up with the person that I know and love.

I asked him why. “why didn’t you ever mow the lawn. Like you know if we live together you’ll be mowing it right”

He looked at me and shrugged agreed that he would. Then he said “they never let me . they always thought I’d mess up. When ppl don’t let you do something you stop asking them. I’m not going to beg you to let me help…” I heard the anger build in his voice. I watched the hurt in his eyes. The years he’s tried to be more. To do more. And been shot down and insulted for it.

So I let him. I let him have the power he wanted. I used to complain about how I was tired of being the adult in the relationship. So now I’m giving it to him.

The apartments called. We were approved and they wanted payment. I didn’t have the money. He wasn’t ready to pay it. I told him to call. He didn’t on the first day. Never got to it on the second. I told him I simply couldn’t handle it. I’ve been stressed…I’m overwhelmed by my job. By my classes. By my car…I can’t take on the additional responsibility.

So he called. He called me and told me what he was going to say. He called me after he said. I probably would have done it differently…but I’m proud of him for acting when he did. It meant a lot.

Its like seeing him grow before my eyes.

I want him to be everything he’s always wanted to be. I want him to be more. I want us to be happy.

I hope this is simply step one to a long journey.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

in search

there's this belief that youngest children are constantly trying to prove themselves.

i didn't particularly think it was true...

until i started trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my life

and realizes

that there is absolutely nothing new

that some sibling hasn't done before...

now i finally understand what they mean.

i guess its the curse of the youngest - - - to forever live in their shadows.

the same article said that the youngest have little ambition- used to getting whatever they want for doing barely anything...youngest children tend to get along on charm alone.

i won't deny my charm.

its gotten my through enough classes that i know it works when i need it to

kind of rusty at the moment...but the polish is coming out...finals are around the corner

i had a bf once who told me i had no ambition. he asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up

i was 19. barely 19. and happy just to be happy. so thats what i said.

"i want to be happy. i want to be happy and satisfied"

he shook his head and asked again, "what do you want to be when you grow up? like what do you want to do?"

i thought about it. we had been driving through the night from school to the eastern shore and of the three hour drive over 4 years ago i remember the night sky and smell of salt water like it was yesterday. the breeze. the rush. the excitement...

and the question.

i wanted to come up with something that would wow him. something that no one had told him before. some huge dramatic reenactment for what i had decided would be my future...but all i could see were the stars and all i could smell was the breeze...and the only thing i could think to say were my dreams...and the truth...and what all little girls grow up saying.

"i want to be a mother. thats what i always wanted to be. i want to be a stay-at-home-mom and raise my kids and be happy..."


straight forward

the moon-kissed-dreams of a child.

he told me i had no ambition and shook his head and never realized
that that was the moment
that i began to fall
out of love

i told him that story again recently, (i left out the last part for polite reasons)...out of the blue like he always does he popped back into my life...he's dating a girl as far opposite from me as he could find. i think the only thing we have in common is height. and location. and a patience larger than expected to deal with the men we do...

she calls him chauvinistic. tells him that all he wants is to control her. her dreams are huge compared to the simple ones i once had. she wants the big city and the big job and the corner office...and she wants to fight every man who gets in the way.

4 years later - now his dreams seem small.

he wants a farm. in the country. a few acres. a few crops. kids and students...and quiet.

i wonder where their middle ground will land.

he proposes to me once a week.

i keep telling him i'm not that girl anymore.

we laugh. and joke...and pretend like we can remember what it was that brought us together...and forget what ultimately drove us apart.

and then i'm here. again. minus the breeze and the stars dulled my street lights and car fumes...and that question comes back.

and i still don't have an answer.

i want to be successful- but doing what?

i want to be happy- but why?

i want to be satisfied....- but how?

i want to be an old woman surrounded by the people i love and i want that moment right before my last breath and i want that thought to be
"i don't regret anything..."

i once wrote a poem that said

"i want the world/on a silver platter/and i want to fight for it"

but i'm growing tired of that fight...

i wonder if you'd be there

to fight for me...

because i think

very soon

i'm going to take a break from it...

and rest

and just be that naive little girl for a while

and just be


and in search



Wednesday, November 3, 2010

insert original title

it's been a while since i've posted. well actually it's been a while since i've written. I have tons of posts saved that when the mood arises i just send through to publish....i just rarely have the time to sit and write anymore.

the office is different now. My boss - my former boss - is in training until the 19th. My former manager is acting as the boss and i worry that she might not know what she's doing. Everything seems to be crumbling. ripping apart at the seams...and there's nothing we can really do about it.

we got the short stick in this reorganization. unfortunately we were the losers of this war.

no one has thought of the consequences yet. It hasn't really been needed. We have an all hands meeting on monday when they'll tell us everything else they've decided. if no one else is worried the contractors are. Our jobs depend on the contract with API and well...API no longer exists.

all we can do is pray at this point. pray and send out our resumes just in case...and hope that the work that we've done here will be strong enough to keep us here...

and pray...mainly pray...

hmm...other updates. my car was hit on sunday. my mother told me it was a sign. she's rather upset at a million different things - the main one being the fact that i'm rarely home. she says the lord was trying to tell me something. i told her that maybe the lord was trying to tell all of us something...seeing that the accident happened while my car was parked and i was in VA....and 3 cars were involved. and a broken axle. and now 3 popped tired...

and about 4 huge dents in the side of my sweet innocent Gwyn.

so here I am again - carless.... i should be angrier than I am, but I've become accustomed to not having a car as my last car was so unreliable...now it just seems like the month of having a car was simply a dream.


McDaniel's homecoming is this weekend. I keep trying to decide if I want to go. I already told Aaron. he said he'd go if i wanted to...but i can't seem to muster up enough...enthusiasm...

there are so many people there that i have no need to see. i just don't know. the people i wanted to keep in contact with I have. The only people I would want to see are my old professors, and homecoming is probably the worse possible time to catch up.

i'll just wait and see what the weather is like on saturday and decide at the last minute like always.

this entry is rather lack luster. not much to say. its rainy and dreary and cold today...and i wish i'd stayed bundled up in my bed.

maybe i'll have better stories on a sunnier day...