the grass is always greener

So my borther graduated on saturday. It was a beautiful day for a graduation in UVa is a gorgeous campus. Its like stepping back in time...or into a catalogue...or a onto a movie set. There must have been a dress code of khaki's and sun dresses and I failed to receive the memo.

It reminded me a lot of McDaniel. The small town vibe, even though Charlottesville would eat Westminster for lunch, the county club visitors, the trees. lol. it was nice to visit...it makes me want to get back into school.

The cobblestone was next to impossible for aaron and his crutches...the crowd was next to impossible for me and my stomach, the heat was simply impossible for my mother.

we were able to watch the smaller MBA graduation at the Darden school. nothing too hectic as we chose our seats earlier than my father's arrival with his family. I was luck enough not to see them at all...my mother however ran straight into them as my father ran straight into a pole...

i wish i made these things up.

my brother seemed as shocked as the rest of us about them being in attendance. we had all been dreading the family dinner that he requested, but upon finding out that his other mother was there is simply stated "i'm going to dinner with you, mom. i never intended to go eat with them"

Dinner was nice. It was good to see Trevor relaxed and happy. He is moving to CA at the end of June, just staying long enough for the wedding. He showed us around his apartment and told us about the work he'll be doing...or at least what he think he'll be doing.

I slept for the drive up and the drive back. I was lucky enough to never have to drive. Aaron did most of that...mainly because he doesn't trust anyone else behind the wheel. after watching my mother drive...I can understand why.


the real interesting part of the weekend was the graduation party on the saturday before trevor's graduation. One of Aaron's cousin's graduated and everyone came over for a free for all at his house. There was a lot of touching and questions and advice being freely thrown out...as usual. There was also a bit of a confrontation over pictures as I had previously stated I didn't want taken. i don't care if you consider my child YOURS...as I'm the one carrying them and I said no...then stop and let it go.

MIL didn't appreciate that...but she got over it. or she moved away from me.

I spent most of the night talking to the girlfriend and wife of some of the cousins. it was nice to know that i'm not alone in the random feeling of being "on-the-outside"

I'd never felt that way before...but now there has been a clear division drawn in the sand...and i'm not begging to cross it...i hope they realize my child is staying on myside of the line and they can go suck it.

it was funny. the GF should fit in the most. being hispanic...but her claim to fame is that she's Pentecostal and has no interest of converting. The Wife is protestant as well and black...a double negative for her. she also doesn't drink much and doesn't join in on arguments with the rest of the family.

she's always just stayed to herself.

I asked her how she deals with boundaries. She laughed and we shared Monster-in-law stories for the rest of the night.

family members kept trying to intrude...to find out what it was that we whispered about in dark corners...some sort of fear of the black ppl uniting. we didn't let it stop us...and once we finally were separated i left shortly after.

i feel like boundaries are going to be an on going issue in my life from this point forward. i get it...i accept it...but i'm not going to have ppl walk all over me and i'm not going to allow ppl to think that i'm ok with it. i don't care what hte family has been doing since the dawn of time...thats not how i'm doing it.

if that means we have to stay on the outskirts so be it.


i was actually thinking today. i was trying to figure out how it is that i never realized that they were so over bearing. i think i always knew...its just that they were overbearing to me. they were all in aaron's life. they judged his decisions. they called him dumb and told him what to do...but i just assumed thats the relationship they had with him and that was fine...most of the time his decisions were a little dumb and i appreciated that they cared...


but now that the opinions are pointed at me...its different. i'm not a child. and i'm not really in this family. i don't need your suggestions and i don't particularly care for your opinions. i'm not having family sit downs and i'm not explaining my decision making...its not a discussion its a statement...

they're not going to like me very much...

lol


i don't particularly give a shit...




it was strange at one point...while discussing the differences in W's MIL and my own she said "i think its just different. MIL and Husband never had that close relationship. they were never cute and cuddly. its funny. i would look at your MIL and think 'Why couldn't she be my MIL"

"honey, the grass is always greener on the other side..."

in search

there's this belief that youngest children are constantly trying to prove themselves.

i didn't particularly think it was true...

until i started trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my life

and realizes

that there is absolutely nothing new

that some sibling hasn't done before...

now i finally understand what they mean.

i guess its the curse of the youngest - - - to forever live in their shadows.

the same article said that the youngest have little ambition- used to getting whatever they want for doing barely anything...youngest children tend to get along on charm alone.

i won't deny my charm.

its gotten my through enough classes that i know it works when i need it to

kind of rusty at the moment...but the polish is coming out...finals are around the corner

i had a bf once who told me i had no ambition. he asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up

i was 19. barely 19. and happy just to be happy. so thats what i said.

"i want to be happy. i want to be happy and satisfied"

he shook his head and asked again, "what do you want to be when you grow up? like what do you want to do?"

i thought about it. we had been driving through the night from school to the eastern shore and of the three hour drive over 4 years ago i remember the night sky and smell of salt water like it was yesterday. the breeze. the rush. the excitement...

and the question.

i wanted to come up with something that would wow him. something that no one had told him before. some huge dramatic reenactment for what i had decided would be my future...but all i could see were the stars and all i could smell was the breeze...and the only thing i could think to say were my dreams...and the truth...and what all little girls grow up saying.

"i want to be a mother. thats what i always wanted to be. i want to be a stay-at-home-mom and raise my kids and be happy..."

simple

straight forward

the moon-kissed-dreams of a child.

he told me i had no ambition and shook his head and never realized

that that was the moment

that i began to fall

out of love

with

him.

i told him that story again recently, (i left out the last part for polite reasons)...out of the blue like he always does he popped back into my life...he's dating a girl as far opposite from me as he could find. i think the only thing we have in common is height. and location. and a patience larger than expected to deal with the men we do...

she calls him chauvinistic. tells him that all he wants is to control her. her dreams are huge compared to the simple ones i once had. she wants the big city and the big job and the corner office...and she wants to fight every man who gets in the way.

4 years later - now his dreams seem small.

he wants a farm. in the country. a few acres. a few crops. kids and students...and quiet.

i wonder where their middle ground will land.

he proposes to me once a week.

i keep telling him i'm not that girl anymore.

we laugh. and joke...and pretend like we can remember what it was that brought us together...and forget what ultimately drove us apart.

and then i'm here. again. minus the breeze and the stars dulled my street lights and car fumes...and that question comes back.

and i still don't have an answer.

i want to be successful- but doing what?

i want to be happy- but why?

i want to be satisfied....- but how?

i want to be an old woman surrounded by the people i love and i want that moment right before my last breath and i want that thought to be

"i don't regret anything..."

i once wrote a poem that said

"i want the world/on a silver platter/and i want to fight for it"

but i'm growing tired of that fight...

i wonder if you'd be there

to fight for me...

because i think

very soon

i'm going to take a break from it...

and rest

and just be that naive little girl for a while

and just be

"happy"

and in search

of

"satisfied"

i won't fight fair

"When I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one

to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark - on both of you. I

'm not sure that those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either

of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness,

but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."

- Edward Cullen Eclipse, Chapter 24 pg. 534

I've been starting and closing this blog all morning. Its not just because i've been busy, but also because i can't seem to figure out what i want to say or how to say it.



i was compared to Edward Cullen last night. It actually led to a playful argument as to if i really deserved the title over that of Jacob. I mean really who wants to be the controlling vampire when you can be the easy going and lovable werewolf.



Aaron laughed about the entire situation...being a bit more comfortable with everything than i was. he reminded me of when i gave him the same name. i never remember saying it...he remember its like it was yesterday. the funny thing about aaron is he remember everything...he cane quote an entire story that i told him in passing to fill the silence 3 years ago that i never remembered telling him. i don't doubt that i said it...i'm just surprised that i did.



He told me i said it before i left. he remember its. me telling him that he was my edward and then getting out of the car. he said it was one of the last times he saw me.





he asked me..."if i'm your edward...than who is your jacob"

I wish i could remember when i said that. i wish it was crystallize din my memory like it was in his. i wish i could go back to that moment and change it.

those are words i would never want to hear...i can't believe that he had to.

its moments like this that i cant seem to remember my anger. i was so mad 4 months ago. 6 months ago. a year ago at this time. i was hurt, and bruised and angry...i wanted to punish him for everything he put me through for years and all he did was want to love me and i couldn't see it through the pain.

he would cry and i would be mad that he was even imply that he was hurting after i cried for him for so long. his tears were like salt in my wounds and i couldn't get away fast enough to save us both from the pain of it.

it was months of the two of us shouting at each other at night. yelling when we were apart just to cry when we were together...because we couldn't figure out a way to get back to how things were without giving up who we were and who we wanted to be to get there.

and everytime i turned around i would find someone pushing into my place in his heart until one day i just walked away and let him have them.

he told me he never wanted them....

but i just couldn't fight for him to love me anymore...

i know we can't just go back to how things were before. we can't pretend like time didn't pass...and i know we are both here with out eyes open and our hearts in our hands...neither willing to fall the way we had fallen before.

i won't say i gave ultimatums. he swore i did...i told him that in his mind he has created an image of me from someone else's memories...i just simply told him that i won't go back to how things were before. i won't wait 2 years to find out that i'm wasting my time. so maybe its good that we're simply taking everything one day at a time...i told him to tell me if he wanted to go...i've told him that before.

he said his ex wants to still be in his life. i asked him what that meant. not in a mean way- like a choose between her or me kind of way...but simply trying to understand what it meant to bring her into the dynamic. he shrugged. not really knowing what answer to say...

thats when i got mean. "so does that mean we're all going to hang out? go to the movie? cuddle?"

he looked at me and smiled. sly as always. i hit him for that...lol....only he can turn it into a joke.

i can't blame him for having her. for having needed her. for still caring for her after everything. she was here when he needed her here and i am thankful that she was...and bitter all at the same time.

I never really explained where all of this came from. Aaron returned a phone call yesterday...or a couple. or who knows...

and in an explanation it all turned into this.

that he'll end up with me...because i'm edward...to his bella...and her jacob

and i guess this is all an eclipse.

and it got me thinking back to reading those books. and i always read them rooting for Jacob. hoping that he would win out in the end. this was the first time i read hoping for edward...

the first time i saw myself in his character. the first time i saw it as my story...and i hoped that love...that impossible love that never should have existed was stronger than the soul mate she was born to have.

and it hurt to think of someone else as jacob.

and it hurt to think of myself as anything other than him...

and it made me rethink a lot of things.

and then he rolled over...and wrapped his arms around me...tucking my chin into his chest and kissing my forward and simply said "stay...

...i just want to hold you..."

and as always that was enough for me...

i'm sorry...i'm sorry for the entire situation...but not for the outcome. and i feel like edward in the since that i won't fight fair to keep him this time. i know what its like to be without him and i know that if feels better this way. i won't let this happen again if i can't help it...i won't let go this time...not until he tells me that there is nothing left to hold on to...

"You know Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies

and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence,

i might actually like you"

-Edward Cullen Eclipse Chapter 22 pg. 502

and we come full circle

you can learn a lot about someone by reading their diary.

thats not a new lesson...but rather one that is come back from the memories of trevor and i sneaking into meghan's room at night to peak into her secret correspondence. the love letters between her and the boyfriend she was forbidden from seeing, but like all romantic heroes that learned to pass secret messages within hymnals and love songs within scriptures all hidden before in audience in the choir stands at church.

we each found our own ways of rebelling against the constraints of being the children of the pastor. some a little more outspoken that other.



i signed up for the direct approach before i could ever understand what that would eventually mean.



from my father i learned many things. how to tear apart arguments. how to destroy hearts. how to lie and not get caught and how to read a lie before its ever spoken. i've used about 2 of these for the majority of my life. the most important being the reading of the lies....his greatest downfall...since he taught me what eventually lead to his expose.

i tend to find men that remind me of my father- and by the time i see if i try so hard to escape my inevitable future that i'm willing to rip my own heart out to do it.



i think my biggest fear is ending up like my mother.





not that i think her weak- she's the strongest person i've ever met...but she knew her naivete. she walked in with her eyes open and hoped that the man she loved, that she believe the lord handpicked for her- would love her the way her father had loved her mother. that he would learn to be faithful and true. and that he would be dependable and honest. and that he'd be everything he said that he would be.


my grandmother cried on her wedding day.

she begged my mother not to do it. my mother didn't listen.


and 25 + years later here we are.



and every time she watches one of her daughters fall in love she shakes her head and tells us not to. she tells us to look at her example to keep our eyes wide open and give our hearts only to the lord...but each time we jump in hoping that maybe this time will be the time.

i jump in searching. looking for the flaw so that when i see it i can escape before it drags me down with it. and each time its the same. each time its someone else


and i think subconsciously each time i stand there like that little girl standing on her front porch watching her father drive away into the night hoping that this man will turn around and choose me this time.




perhaps i ask for too much. perhaps i don't ask for enough.

maybe i peg myself too short. or i place myself too high.


or maybe i'm never meant to be loved in the end.




and there are moments like last night...when i gave aaron an out again...i always do this for him- give him a way to leave without hurting either one of us...

why do you love me?

what?

why do you love me?

umm...because i do. uh....because for someone reason i can't be without
you

but you were without me. why do you love me?

why not?

those are the moments that break my heart. the little whispered moments thats put nicks and cracks into case that has been taped together too many times to stand much more.

thats not a reason. to be with someone because there's no other reason is a
reason to be together. and loving someone because there's no reason to love them
isn't a reason to love in the first place.

uh...i dunno holly. i'm not really thinking right now.

and that always happens too. a year ago i told him i wanted more. i wanted to be able to talk to him. i wanted to be able have dialogue and conversation. to go places and to do things and



more



simply more




and it hurt him that i even said it...




and now we're back to this point again. we had switched positions for a while. where he had wanted it and now i'm here again- the constant tug of war we play with ideas.



i want more because we both deserve it that way. i don't want to be your mother and i don't want to take away your manhood. i want you simply to be a man. to be who you are...but to want to be that with me...


and for some reason that i can never quite realize....no one can be that with me.





i'm good enough to have. to walk around with and to show off...but at the end of the day...for a reason i'll never quite understand...i'm not enough to have for more...










but i can't accept less than that anymore.


i've seen what more has to offer now


and at one point i would have been ok with the crumbs of what he could give to me....but i won't accept crumbs when i can give myself jewels.




and we're back again. we always come back to here- the two of us. destined to chase after what we never can quite reach.



maybe he can reach it with another

a letter of advice - Day 1

Dear Miss L,


I've been trying to figure exactly what it is that i have been wanting to say to you. Its ironic because we are in the same position- or rather i've been in your position, years ago when this all began and he had someone else that had stayed and left and came back and he wasn't sure which way he wanted to go.


i ought to thank you. You said that i was able to revel in ignorance. and i did. i enjoyed 3 months of actually believing that aaron wanted only me. that aaron was willing to give up anything just to be with me and he would continuously point it out on every occasion. "you know i love you. i left her because i wanted you." the certainty in his statements were strong enough to erase the doubt that 3 years of being with him had created.


i won't lie and say that i'm surprised that you exist. there's always one like you. if it weren't you it would be someone else this i know because when you weren't answering he immediately sought the attentions of darneesha and jade and liz and anyone else that could comfort him in his times of weakness- in those moments when he thought that someone who was too good wouldn't stay.


lol...you heard that line before too...


and you decided to stay. much like several of the others had. willing to take bits and parts when you should have probably been demanding the whole...in a desperate plead that one day he'd realize that you were everything that i could never be....but i guess you didn't stop to thinking that if it weren't me, (just as if it weren't you), it would be someone else.


don't think that the lines that he's feeding you are any different than the lines i've already heard. don't think i don't hear your words repeated from his lips in angry. don't think i don't know.


don't think i'm dumb....just know that i've paid my dues. and i've worked...i've worked hard to keep someone who rarely knows which way he wants to go...and i know that times that he's shown up at my house crying begging me to stay. the times that he says he's just dumb and he didn't mean it. and that i should know he only wants me. we have forever.




it all comes down to how much you're willing to take. how much you willing to accept.




if his potential is worth the wait. if the love is strong enough. the connection. he belief that maybe it'll all turn out in the end.




it always comes down to that. the hope.






i'd greatly appreciate if you refrained from giving him advice. i'm sure you do it out of the goodness of your heart...but from one woman scorned to another...its a waste of time if you're not there constantly to back it up.


stop waiting. because there will always be another.



stop writing. its blowing up your spot.





but if all of the advice is for naught...then the most important thing i can possibly say is to simply play your role.






if he wanted you. he would be with you.




the end.










so go ahead. go hang out with the boys. finance his expenses. wait for the days that i'm not there to hang out and the phone calls after he's done talking to me...and stay there. and don't want for more.


its a waste of time.




enjoy the little hand outs that he's willing to give. because at the end of the day- when he's done playing these games and telling you what you want to hear so you can tell him what he does....he comes home to me.










and you can wait and have him when i'm done...if that ever happens. patience is a virtue they say. and then you both can talk about all the times you missed and how horrible i was...and know that he'll be probably be calling me then to....






::shrugs::








i guess thats all for now.








have fun at the football game in october. i'm sure it'll be amazing.


-Holly







oh and p.s. i really like your blog

i'm still here

my niece's favorite song is "marching to zion" I find it absolutely adorable that she immediately quiets down as soon as she hears someone start off with the melody

come we that love the lord
and let our joys be known

she opens those big brown eyes of yours and purses her little rosebud mouth and just stares at you...or the one person not signing as if urging them to join in

join in the song of sweet accord
join in the song of sweet accord

and then as the song progresses she leans forward in your arms as if trying to get closer the words and simply hums along with you

and thus surround the throne
and thus surround the throne

and when she hears the chorus coming she bounces...just slightly and smiles that toothless, drolly grin and sings with you (or grunts depending on what you think it sounds like

we're marching to Zion
beautiful, beautiful Zion;
we're marching upward to Zion,
the beautiful city of God.

i really like when life comes full circle. when something that happens today seems to soothe the pains of something that happened years ago...and when my niece fell in love with this song thats how it felt.



my father was a pastor at a church named Zion. He preached there for almost 10 years before he left...with my sunday school teacher. they have a 2 year old now...and leave maybe 45 minutes away...but the miles of heartbreak are never really ending.



i can't remember the last day i went to Zion. i blocked out so many of those days...it was just...shame...or embarrassment...or hurt that a felt walking in and out of those doors.



for years i couldn't even look down the street where it was located.



none of us could





but on every 3rd sunday the men's choir used to sing. they would meet in the back of the church during morning devotion and right before they began to march in they would start. quietly at first...building in strength..."we're marching to Zion"....



i used to love those days. the surprise of them...even though you knew they were coming...the strength in their voices, their character, their black masculinity...everything i wished my father was...and what i wished my future held.



and when we left that illusion burned with it...





until the day my niece smiled at the sound of that song.



it was as if the lord was trying to tell me something..like a soft whisper in the wind

be patient...i'll make it work. it's not over yet.

...i'm still here...

then let our songs abound,

and every tear be dry;

we're marching through Emmanuel's ground

we're marching through Emmanuel's ground

to fairer worlds on high

to fairer worlds on high

we're marching to zion...

L is for the way you look at me

did i love aaron?

or tyler?

or ryan?


i thought i did...i genuinely believed that i loved me...

than then my niece came along

and if this is love...this feeling...when i look at her...of what i would give up for her...what i would do for...

then i had absolutely no clue all along

i can't believe that before you
i thought other things were
so
important
and now...i can't even seem to
..............................................remember
what those other things
....are

i just wanted you to know

you know its a slow day in the office if i upload twice...but seeing that I probably won't blog over the weekend , lets just say i'm making up for it now,

sometimes i wonder if you ever loved me
if they ever loved me
or simply lvoed the perfect person that i created for them.

i think i read the art of seduction at too young an age...because when I meet someone i subconsiously study them
what their aspirations are,
their dreams...............................their goals.................................their fears and
i watch myself perform the incredible feat of becoming
.....................exactly
....................................................................what
..........................they've always wanted

How could they not be impressed by the creation of their ideal woman
in a 5 foot package
of exaggerated curves
and ainimated joy just at the thought of seeing you
......................like a puppy after a long day at work
....or a kitten - ..................depending on your mood

i was good when you wanted good
bad when you wanted bad
.....................................................wicked on occasion

Until I'd wake up and realize that i was nowhere where i wanted to be
and......................................................................................................................left

i knew aunts and uncles by name
best friends by birthdays, their girlfriend by address
and every other girl you called at night...................................by number

and never said a word
until it suited me
and by then
you were too late to ever win
the argument

i would mold myself into the very form you desired, without realizing that i was
c..h.....a..........n.............g.....................i...............................n.....................................g
but it's always easier to put on an act
than admit to the insecurities i've always felt
of being just a little too BIG
and just a little too small
just a little too happy
and just a little not happy............at all

But always exactly what you wanted me to be

but i don't want to be that for you



i want the next one to see the flaws

Like...

that i don't like wearing heels...........................................unless its night
and i'm most comfortable in sweats till noon
and i think thigh highs and garters are sexy
................and men in ties turn me on..................................a little

i love to cook when i'm stressed
i listen to slow jams in the shower...........................not in aslutty way, but because i genuinely like them
and my favorite position is sleeping right inthe croock of your shoulder at night

i want you to tell me i'm sexy
when i dress up - or don't dress up
but not in a vulgar way
........................in a poetic way that gives me chills and butterflies
...........................and actually makes me feel beautiful and not like a porn star you're paying for the night
and sometimes i want to feel like that pornstar
................but not always

i want to sit and discuss things with you
and argue and laugh
and watch your face change as the topics change
and grow old
and more distinguished
and more in love with me

and i want to know your flaws
like you hate asparagus...............................but love broccoli
and i hate feet.................but love when you massage them
and that we both skip to the end of book
.......................................to see the conclusion
and we like the rain
and we like getting wet
......................but preferably not at the same time
and i secretly think you're smarter than me, but i'd never tell you

and i want you to know that i've always through my sister the prettier one
...........................and my brother the smarter one
and that my father loved me best
.......................until he left
..................................................................................and i still have a complex about it
but that i won't let it come between us like before

i want you to know i think you're beautiful
...............................and that i've always thought you were sexy
but i never said anything, because i'm actually a little shy
and i never know how to say it..........................................................and still sound genuine
but i think about it all the time
even before you knew i was thinking it
and not just your smile
or your eyes
but for the way you think
and the way you speak
.....................and the accent you sometimes try to hide
and your ears that are a little too big......and your lips that are a little too full
and the fact that you make me feel just a little insecure
in a sexy way

and i'd still think you were
................even if you had warts
................and little feet
................and a humpback
......................................................................................ok maybe i'm pushing it a little
but i'd still be attracted to your heart
.............and your mind
........................and your words
............................................and the way you've always made me feel
even when youre mean....................................or i'm mean
and moody...............................................................or i'm moody
..................or we're both dating the wrong people
but we still secretly know.....the perfect flaws we have within each other


but i've never told anyone that.........but i want you to know

Dear Napolean

I always thought Deoboed was a word and not just a cultural expression

until I said it to an old coworker when I was at school and she had no idea what I was talking about...I don't know if i should feel ashamed that I used the phrase or that she had never seen the Friday series...maybe she just needs to get out more.

I've been talking to an old friend a lot recently. been thinking about him a lot too. But I'm not sure if I'm falling for who he is now or i never let go of who he used to be.

He used to write me poems. Beautiful lyrics that danced across my heart, but i was too afraid to do anything about it.

he doesn't write them anymore

but i catch myself going through old email accounts and rereading what he thought of me or what he thought about...and i miss what i could have had if i wasn't so afraid of letting in and letting go.

i can't ask him to be someone he's not, just as I can't be who i let go of as well...we'll see what happens from this point. He's thousands of miles away and when he comes to visit i wonder if i'll be nervous.

the butterflies in the stomach nervous...or i'm your biggest fan nervous...or when you look at me do you see who i used to be nervous...or don't judge me on my mistake...but love me for who i can be for you...with you...all about you if you let me kind of nervous.

i'd hate for him to be disappointed

i'd hate to be too late.

i'd hate if this turned out like all the others turned out...because in my mind he's been on that pedestal for years...i just never let him know until now.

Let me be your Josephine.
and i will call you Bonaparte.
we will rule the world, but just own a part

and share it only with each other

i'm that girl

so I have a secret: I'm in love...

awkward enough i know...what makes it worse is i've never met the guy. I've never been one to have celebrity crushes, but here I am with my first (and hopefully last) celebrity infatuation. (not counting my elementary crush on Leonardo DiCaprio...but lets be serious who didn't love him in the late 90's?)




anyway. I am 23 years old and here I am without even an excuse for the crush. but what makes it worse is its not even sexual (don't get me wrong it could be...) but its really intellectual. I mean I want to curl up in a corner with him, sipping tea with lemon and just banter. I want to trade letters and words, and see what he thinks when I say this and find something clever to say when he says that. I want to listen to his explanations to his ideas. I want to see his passion born. I want to be the fly on the wall while he comes up with the lyrics that somehow speak to me...



ewww...i'm that girl.

so its almost new years and the plans have been made and he's coming to town. for the 3rd time to be in fact. (well to be accurate he didn't show the first time). Anyway each time i've somehow been unable to be in attendance to his concerts until now. Now I know that nothing is going to come of this. I know there are three thousand ppl who will be there...but that hasn't stopped my over active imagination to creating this ideal situation where he sees me and i become his muse. His ideal. love at first site...like the first time i heard him and i didn't even know who he was...

but hey a girl is allowed to dream right?

so i'll just continue from chapter 10 of my day dream where we're currently vacationing in our villa in the south of france. I think his mother's coming to visit and I have a lasagna warming in the oven...its so warm out today. I've always loved visiting here...the sound of the shore... the humming of the waves...his senseless chatter while he plans his summer tour in the states...



sometimes its only acceptable to delve into your daydreams