i just wanted you to know

you know its a slow day in the office if i upload twice...but seeing that I probably won't blog over the weekend , lets just say i'm making up for it now,

sometimes i wonder if you ever loved me
if they ever loved me
or simply lvoed the perfect person that i created for them.

i think i read the art of seduction at too young an age...because when I meet someone i subconsiously study them
what their aspirations are,
their dreams...............................their goals.................................their fears and
i watch myself perform the incredible feat of becoming
.....................exactly
....................................................................what
..........................they've always wanted

How could they not be impressed by the creation of their ideal woman
in a 5 foot package
of exaggerated curves
and ainimated joy just at the thought of seeing you
......................like a puppy after a long day at work
....or a kitten - ..................depending on your mood

i was good when you wanted good
bad when you wanted bad
.....................................................wicked on occasion

Until I'd wake up and realize that i was nowhere where i wanted to be
and......................................................................................................................left

i knew aunts and uncles by name
best friends by birthdays, their girlfriend by address
and every other girl you called at night...................................by number

and never said a word
until it suited me
and by then
you were too late to ever win
the argument

i would mold myself into the very form you desired, without realizing that i was
c..h.....a..........n.............g.....................i...............................n.....................................g
but it's always easier to put on an act
than admit to the insecurities i've always felt
of being just a little too BIG
and just a little too small
just a little too happy
and just a little not happy............at all

But always exactly what you wanted me to be

but i don't want to be that for you



i want the next one to see the flaws

Like...

that i don't like wearing heels...........................................unless its night
and i'm most comfortable in sweats till noon
and i think thigh highs and garters are sexy
................and men in ties turn me on..................................a little

i love to cook when i'm stressed
i listen to slow jams in the shower...........................not in aslutty way, but because i genuinely like them
and my favorite position is sleeping right inthe croock of your shoulder at night

i want you to tell me i'm sexy
when i dress up - or don't dress up
but not in a vulgar way
........................in a poetic way that gives me chills and butterflies
...........................and actually makes me feel beautiful and not like a porn star you're paying for the night
and sometimes i want to feel like that pornstar
................but not always

i want to sit and discuss things with you
and argue and laugh
and watch your face change as the topics change
and grow old
and more distinguished
and more in love with me

and i want to know your flaws
like you hate asparagus...............................but love broccoli
and i hate feet.................but love when you massage them
and that we both skip to the end of book
.......................................to see the conclusion
and we like the rain
and we like getting wet
......................but preferably not at the same time
and i secretly think you're smarter than me, but i'd never tell you

and i want you to know that i've always through my sister the prettier one
...........................and my brother the smarter one
and that my father loved me best
.......................until he left
..................................................................................and i still have a complex about it
but that i won't let it come between us like before

i want you to know i think you're beautiful
...............................and that i've always thought you were sexy
but i never said anything, because i'm actually a little shy
and i never know how to say it..........................................................and still sound genuine
but i think about it all the time
even before you knew i was thinking it
and not just your smile
or your eyes
but for the way you think
and the way you speak
.....................and the accent you sometimes try to hide
and your ears that are a little too big......and your lips that are a little too full
and the fact that you make me feel just a little insecure
in a sexy way

and i'd still think you were
................even if you had warts
................and little feet
................and a humpback
......................................................................................ok maybe i'm pushing it a little
but i'd still be attracted to your heart
.............and your mind
........................and your words
............................................and the way you've always made me feel
even when youre mean....................................or i'm mean
and moody...............................................................or i'm moody
..................or we're both dating the wrong people
but we still secretly know.....the perfect flaws we have within each other


but i've never told anyone that.........but i want you to know

i'm that girl

so I have a secret: I'm in love...

awkward enough i know...what makes it worse is i've never met the guy. I've never been one to have celebrity crushes, but here I am with my first (and hopefully last) celebrity infatuation. (not counting my elementary crush on Leonardo DiCaprio...but lets be serious who didn't love him in the late 90's?)




anyway. I am 23 years old and here I am without even an excuse for the crush. but what makes it worse is its not even sexual (don't get me wrong it could be...) but its really intellectual. I mean I want to curl up in a corner with him, sipping tea with lemon and just banter. I want to trade letters and words, and see what he thinks when I say this and find something clever to say when he says that. I want to listen to his explanations to his ideas. I want to see his passion born. I want to be the fly on the wall while he comes up with the lyrics that somehow speak to me...



ewww...i'm that girl.

so its almost new years and the plans have been made and he's coming to town. for the 3rd time to be in fact. (well to be accurate he didn't show the first time). Anyway each time i've somehow been unable to be in attendance to his concerts until now. Now I know that nothing is going to come of this. I know there are three thousand ppl who will be there...but that hasn't stopped my over active imagination to creating this ideal situation where he sees me and i become his muse. His ideal. love at first site...like the first time i heard him and i didn't even know who he was...

but hey a girl is allowed to dream right?

so i'll just continue from chapter 10 of my day dream where we're currently vacationing in our villa in the south of france. I think his mother's coming to visit and I have a lasagna warming in the oven...its so warm out today. I've always loved visiting here...the sound of the shore... the humming of the waves...his senseless chatter while he plans his summer tour in the states...



sometimes its only acceptable to delve into your daydreams