a piece of advice

if you never listen to a thing i say...and you just read this to laugh at the daily nonsense i'm put through...

please at least remember this one tidbit of advice:

marriage counselors are a god send.


this isn't our first counselor...we actually failed with him. I'm not sure if i posted that story or if its lost in the sea of saved, but unpublished entries.

it was ugly. a massacre. a debacle.

a jolly old gentleman who told aaron to stand up for himself...so aaron stood up...against the counselor.

i should have known it would end in flames after the first evening.


i loved the man. he's a pastor at my church. i see him rather often actually. aaron however. well lets just hope they never cross each others paths again.


well Pastor M (i probabaly should have mentioned his name earlier in this post) referred us to Justin.

I personally was ready to give up. I mean seriously, who fails marriage counseling? but we went and met with him. i expected the same thing to happen. we walk into the room where a man who barely reaches 5'9" and somewhere between 27 and 39 - a stocky little man with a huge personality who had the audacity to curse in a church.

it was love at first sight

i must admit that it feels like the conversation tends to turn more towards football, weight lifting and injuries...but real matters get discusses in the middle.

we talk about concerns. he listens. asks questions. poses ideas. turns it into a sports analogy i don't understand but some how issues get resolved.



- - -


we are having some huge cultural differences. that's the only way i can think of describing it. i knew from the beginning that Aaron was from a large hispanic family. That's what i loved about it. all of the laughter and joy. the bickering the making up. Even when we weren't together i loved it. Hell i talked to his mother at least once a month while we weren't together.

but then i got pregnant


and everything changed




all of a sudden i wasn't the GF anymore...i was ONE OF THEM...and my child was THEIRS...and my opinions were the last anyone cared to hear about.


it was like one day everything was great and the next day....no one spoke to me again.


i don't even know if we talk now. they tell me what they've planned. i tell them no thanks we already have it covered and pause. repeat. i swear everything turns into a discussion.


no i don't want to do that

well i think you should

well i really don't want to do that

well we all think you should

well i'm not doing it

well we were so sure that you would

no. i'm not

o. ok...well we really think it would be best if you would.


it makes me want to rip my hair out. Aaron is immune...he just ignores it. pretends to be asleep. walks away. says ok and then just does w/e it is that he wanted to do in the first place.

I don't want to play these games for the rest of my life


my way of avoiding it and just not going over there. just not talking to them.

so now they think i don't like them...but how do i tell them its not that i don't like you...i just don't like how to try to control my life.


its an issue that aaron will have to step inbetween for the rest of our lives together. i just don't have the patience for it...i just don't have the attention span to care about their hurt feelings


but at least last night we were able to talk about it. at least the tip of the iceberg anyway.

and it was nice that the Justin understood where i was coming from. he understood extended families. he understood how crazy ppl get when babies come along. he knew what we needed...


and i appreacitate that.



i'm not saying everythings fixed. i'm not saying that the world is rainbows and unicorns...


but i can say that today...today its sunny out...and i'm not afraid of the ppl that usually make it rain



and i can thank our counselor for that

the grass is always greener

So my borther graduated on saturday. It was a beautiful day for a graduation in UVa is a gorgeous campus. Its like stepping back in time...or into a catalogue...or a onto a movie set. There must have been a dress code of khaki's and sun dresses and I failed to receive the memo.

It reminded me a lot of McDaniel. The small town vibe, even though Charlottesville would eat Westminster for lunch, the county club visitors, the trees. lol. it was nice to visit...it makes me want to get back into school.

The cobblestone was next to impossible for aaron and his crutches...the crowd was next to impossible for me and my stomach, the heat was simply impossible for my mother.

we were able to watch the smaller MBA graduation at the Darden school. nothing too hectic as we chose our seats earlier than my father's arrival with his family. I was luck enough not to see them at all...my mother however ran straight into them as my father ran straight into a pole...

i wish i made these things up.

my brother seemed as shocked as the rest of us about them being in attendance. we had all been dreading the family dinner that he requested, but upon finding out that his other mother was there is simply stated "i'm going to dinner with you, mom. i never intended to go eat with them"

Dinner was nice. It was good to see Trevor relaxed and happy. He is moving to CA at the end of June, just staying long enough for the wedding. He showed us around his apartment and told us about the work he'll be doing...or at least what he think he'll be doing.

I slept for the drive up and the drive back. I was lucky enough to never have to drive. Aaron did most of that...mainly because he doesn't trust anyone else behind the wheel. after watching my mother drive...I can understand why.


the real interesting part of the weekend was the graduation party on the saturday before trevor's graduation. One of Aaron's cousin's graduated and everyone came over for a free for all at his house. There was a lot of touching and questions and advice being freely thrown out...as usual. There was also a bit of a confrontation over pictures as I had previously stated I didn't want taken. i don't care if you consider my child YOURS...as I'm the one carrying them and I said no...then stop and let it go.

MIL didn't appreciate that...but she got over it. or she moved away from me.

I spent most of the night talking to the girlfriend and wife of some of the cousins. it was nice to know that i'm not alone in the random feeling of being "on-the-outside"

I'd never felt that way before...but now there has been a clear division drawn in the sand...and i'm not begging to cross it...i hope they realize my child is staying on myside of the line and they can go suck it.

it was funny. the GF should fit in the most. being hispanic...but her claim to fame is that she's Pentecostal and has no interest of converting. The Wife is protestant as well and black...a double negative for her. she also doesn't drink much and doesn't join in on arguments with the rest of the family.

she's always just stayed to herself.

I asked her how she deals with boundaries. She laughed and we shared Monster-in-law stories for the rest of the night.

family members kept trying to intrude...to find out what it was that we whispered about in dark corners...some sort of fear of the black ppl uniting. we didn't let it stop us...and once we finally were separated i left shortly after.

i feel like boundaries are going to be an on going issue in my life from this point forward. i get it...i accept it...but i'm not going to have ppl walk all over me and i'm not going to allow ppl to think that i'm ok with it. i don't care what hte family has been doing since the dawn of time...thats not how i'm doing it.

if that means we have to stay on the outskirts so be it.


i was actually thinking today. i was trying to figure out how it is that i never realized that they were so over bearing. i think i always knew...its just that they were overbearing to me. they were all in aaron's life. they judged his decisions. they called him dumb and told him what to do...but i just assumed thats the relationship they had with him and that was fine...most of the time his decisions were a little dumb and i appreciated that they cared...


but now that the opinions are pointed at me...its different. i'm not a child. and i'm not really in this family. i don't need your suggestions and i don't particularly care for your opinions. i'm not having family sit downs and i'm not explaining my decision making...its not a discussion its a statement...

they're not going to like me very much...

lol


i don't particularly give a shit...




it was strange at one point...while discussing the differences in W's MIL and my own she said "i think its just different. MIL and Husband never had that close relationship. they were never cute and cuddly. its funny. i would look at your MIL and think 'Why couldn't she be my MIL"

"honey, the grass is always greener on the other side..."

atlantic city

honey...my problem isn't with you..

you're just another girl in a passing stream. you're just a chess piece in this game aaron is playing with his friends. you could easily be replaced with someone else.

its simply the fact that the game is still going that confuses me. i'm not worried about you...other than the fact that you keep placing yourself in situations where you continuously get hurt. i don't know why you do...if this is going to be how things continue to be at least i'll know in advance. . . . . .

hell what's your address? i'll send you a personal invite to the baby shower. . don't get it twisted. . please. .

my problem is with someone else entirely... now keep writing about my online...then we might have to talk... you let me know...eh? . .

xoxo .

-Holly . . .

question: "ur marrying him...why are you still worried about me?"
. answer: "i'm not. but i'm marrying him...so why are you still chasing after him like a bitch in heat?

22 weeks 1 day

i actually checked out if i ever get views. i've never done that before. I was surprised that i do. not many...i don't expect a lot. i sense that most melodramatic blogs are similar. maybe i should start writing better. something less dramatic...or more dramatic... something daring an adventure... but unfortunately this is the first real adventure i've ever been on...and i'm trying to find my footing through it all. lets see...what can i update. i'm huge. i can no longer see my feet. i don't know if its due to my boobs or my belly or a strange combination of the two. i've been wearing sneakers for the past week. i can't imagine bending down to find my flats...and for some reason my heels hurt. the things ppl never tell you about pregnancy i need better shoes. i'm thinking about buying some sperrys. i've heard they're amazing for your feet and i need something better than the cheap flats i've been wearing since college. the only thing is i have a slight hatred of the shoes. ok maybe not the shoes...i've never worn them so i can't really have an opinion of the shoe...but rather of the memory of the first time i saw aaron in them and the story of his sponsor buying them for him eh. i just don't want to give him incentive to wear them again one day i'm going to get over my disgust.

hopefully around the time that i wear these shoes.

i bought a rocking chair for the house. invested in a couch and set up my room/nursery. things are really coming together. aaron is moving in in June. it would be earlier if we moved up the wedding, but i really want to keep it on our anniversary in a snap he told me he didn't understand why it had to be that day. "we broke up...that was the past. what we have going on now has nothing to do with then..that anniversary doesn't mean anything..." "so the past 3 years don't mean anything either?" he was silent then. just looked at me. if it was up to him we would have just gone to the courthouse in April and kept things moving. he doesn't want anything big....but he has a family of 573...nothing is every small... we'll see what happen. grrr...baby is kicking...gotta pee....maybe i'll update later

i think i might kill my MIL...

I had a shorter post earlier this morning, but i thought it might be better to expand a little.

I have nothing against Mother-in-Law.

I can't judge her parenting style or her life choices...or I can, but I'm going to choose not to for this entry...or this sentence. She raised two children to majority without any major mishaps. She lives comfortably with her family and she take care of her business... We got along fine for years.

Even when Bear-Bear and I weren't together MIL and I still spoke. We still caught up on major holidays, I sent pictures of my niece to her. I even hung out at her house on several occasions.

Everything was honky dory...until i found out i was pregnant... ::que the horror music:: in the beginning it was just little things. i told her i was pregnant and she lectured me as everyone was doing...i expected it...i let her with just a nod and silence.

then when BF told her she hugged and soothed and told him how everything was going to be ok. then she wanted a sit down with my mother and myself and her and aaron. ok fine...get your words out. she lectured, we assumed more for aaron than for me. i didn't take it seriously. i had already heard the talk. i already knew what she'd say. but there was a moment when things began to change

"i'm here for you both, aaron, you know that. i'm here for you emotionally...but not financially"

hmm...that one rubbed me the wrong way.

i'm not one to ask for things...unless i'm at a bar and want a drink...and even then i don't really ask for it.

i don't depend on ppl financially and i really haven't since i went to college. when we found out i was pregnant aaron and i were planning on moving out. we had a place. we just needed to sign the paper work. then this happened and i decided i wanted to save everything instead. we didn't ask for any money from either one of them. we didn't even ask for a place to stay...but the first thing she thinks to say in front of my mother is she's not here for us financially... my mother even mentioned it.

"hmm...thats strange," she said later. "You're my child. I will help you as much as I can..."

I let it slide and didn't say anything. then later when we were joking around, MIL and SIL and i...she started telling me everything i needed to put on it. she emphasized 2 car seats and 2 strollers... no thats not necessary. i know aaron and he's not going to have a car seat in his car if there isn't a baby in it...and he's not going to push a stroller when he can just carry her...she disagreed saying we'd need two. noo...we're just going to get 1

"well i want a stroller and a car seat for over here"

::silence::

i walked away.

i tend to do that a lot recently.

"so are you going to be grandma or GG?"
"no i'm not going to be grandma..."
while cringing "ok so what are you going to be?"
"well all the kids call my mom Mama..."
"oh..the great grandma...::blank stare::..."
"so i think i'll do that too"
"umm what...i dunno about that. 3 mamas...no i don't think so"
"yeah...i don't want to be grandma...i'll be mama"

::silence::

walks away

"the hospital you go to is horrible. you should have the baby at the hospital where i work"
"no, thanks...i like my hospital"
"but aaron was born there...then him and his daughter could both be born there"
"i was born in CA...but my baby isn't going to be born there..."

walks away

"i've chose the baby shower colors. i'm sure i want purple"
"no you should have pink"
"no...my sisters was pink and i didn't like it. i've decided on purple"
"no...it should be pink"

walks away

"did you make up that name for the baby"
"no its actually a name. it means [insert meaning]"
"hmmm...i dunno about that...maybe it'll grow on me.."

walks away

she's starting to blow me...i don't really know how to handle her from this point. aaron wants to keep things fair. what my mother knows he thinks his mother should.

my mother name is part of baby's middle name so his mother name should be as well [denied].

it just keeps going. i'm going to stop telling him things till we move in together...her influence is just too strong... i never thought i'd have one of those MIL that i would dread...but i'm going to... i don't think she realizes that after 4 years of knowing me i'm not going to be the push over she think i will...she'll ever move over or be walked over...but i'm not competing for first place when i've already won...

that was harsh...but fuck it...

we have 18 more years of this shit to go...

in search

there's this belief that youngest children are constantly trying to prove themselves.

i didn't particularly think it was true...

until i started trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my life

and realizes

that there is absolutely nothing new

that some sibling hasn't done before...

now i finally understand what they mean.

i guess its the curse of the youngest - - - to forever live in their shadows.

the same article said that the youngest have little ambition- used to getting whatever they want for doing barely anything...youngest children tend to get along on charm alone.

i won't deny my charm.

its gotten my through enough classes that i know it works when i need it to

kind of rusty at the moment...but the polish is coming out...finals are around the corner

i had a bf once who told me i had no ambition. he asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up

i was 19. barely 19. and happy just to be happy. so thats what i said.

"i want to be happy. i want to be happy and satisfied"

he shook his head and asked again, "what do you want to be when you grow up? like what do you want to do?"

i thought about it. we had been driving through the night from school to the eastern shore and of the three hour drive over 4 years ago i remember the night sky and smell of salt water like it was yesterday. the breeze. the rush. the excitement...

and the question.

i wanted to come up with something that would wow him. something that no one had told him before. some huge dramatic reenactment for what i had decided would be my future...but all i could see were the stars and all i could smell was the breeze...and the only thing i could think to say were my dreams...and the truth...and what all little girls grow up saying.

"i want to be a mother. thats what i always wanted to be. i want to be a stay-at-home-mom and raise my kids and be happy..."

simple

straight forward

the moon-kissed-dreams of a child.

he told me i had no ambition and shook his head and never realized

that that was the moment

that i began to fall

out of love

with

him.

i told him that story again recently, (i left out the last part for polite reasons)...out of the blue like he always does he popped back into my life...he's dating a girl as far opposite from me as he could find. i think the only thing we have in common is height. and location. and a patience larger than expected to deal with the men we do...

she calls him chauvinistic. tells him that all he wants is to control her. her dreams are huge compared to the simple ones i once had. she wants the big city and the big job and the corner office...and she wants to fight every man who gets in the way.

4 years later - now his dreams seem small.

he wants a farm. in the country. a few acres. a few crops. kids and students...and quiet.

i wonder where their middle ground will land.

he proposes to me once a week.

i keep telling him i'm not that girl anymore.

we laugh. and joke...and pretend like we can remember what it was that brought us together...and forget what ultimately drove us apart.

and then i'm here. again. minus the breeze and the stars dulled my street lights and car fumes...and that question comes back.

and i still don't have an answer.

i want to be successful- but doing what?

i want to be happy- but why?

i want to be satisfied....- but how?

i want to be an old woman surrounded by the people i love and i want that moment right before my last breath and i want that thought to be

"i don't regret anything..."

i once wrote a poem that said

"i want the world/on a silver platter/and i want to fight for it"

but i'm growing tired of that fight...

i wonder if you'd be there

to fight for me...

because i think

very soon

i'm going to take a break from it...

and rest

and just be that naive little girl for a while

and just be

"happy"

and in search

of

"satisfied"

i won't fight fair

"When I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one

to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark - on both of you. I

'm not sure that those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either

of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness,

but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."

- Edward Cullen Eclipse, Chapter 24 pg. 534

I've been starting and closing this blog all morning. Its not just because i've been busy, but also because i can't seem to figure out what i want to say or how to say it.



i was compared to Edward Cullen last night. It actually led to a playful argument as to if i really deserved the title over that of Jacob. I mean really who wants to be the controlling vampire when you can be the easy going and lovable werewolf.



Aaron laughed about the entire situation...being a bit more comfortable with everything than i was. he reminded me of when i gave him the same name. i never remember saying it...he remember its like it was yesterday. the funny thing about aaron is he remember everything...he cane quote an entire story that i told him in passing to fill the silence 3 years ago that i never remembered telling him. i don't doubt that i said it...i'm just surprised that i did.



He told me i said it before i left. he remember its. me telling him that he was my edward and then getting out of the car. he said it was one of the last times he saw me.





he asked me..."if i'm your edward...than who is your jacob"

I wish i could remember when i said that. i wish it was crystallize din my memory like it was in his. i wish i could go back to that moment and change it.

those are words i would never want to hear...i can't believe that he had to.

its moments like this that i cant seem to remember my anger. i was so mad 4 months ago. 6 months ago. a year ago at this time. i was hurt, and bruised and angry...i wanted to punish him for everything he put me through for years and all he did was want to love me and i couldn't see it through the pain.

he would cry and i would be mad that he was even imply that he was hurting after i cried for him for so long. his tears were like salt in my wounds and i couldn't get away fast enough to save us both from the pain of it.

it was months of the two of us shouting at each other at night. yelling when we were apart just to cry when we were together...because we couldn't figure out a way to get back to how things were without giving up who we were and who we wanted to be to get there.

and everytime i turned around i would find someone pushing into my place in his heart until one day i just walked away and let him have them.

he told me he never wanted them....

but i just couldn't fight for him to love me anymore...

i know we can't just go back to how things were before. we can't pretend like time didn't pass...and i know we are both here with out eyes open and our hearts in our hands...neither willing to fall the way we had fallen before.

i won't say i gave ultimatums. he swore i did...i told him that in his mind he has created an image of me from someone else's memories...i just simply told him that i won't go back to how things were before. i won't wait 2 years to find out that i'm wasting my time. so maybe its good that we're simply taking everything one day at a time...i told him to tell me if he wanted to go...i've told him that before.

he said his ex wants to still be in his life. i asked him what that meant. not in a mean way- like a choose between her or me kind of way...but simply trying to understand what it meant to bring her into the dynamic. he shrugged. not really knowing what answer to say...

thats when i got mean. "so does that mean we're all going to hang out? go to the movie? cuddle?"

he looked at me and smiled. sly as always. i hit him for that...lol....only he can turn it into a joke.

i can't blame him for having her. for having needed her. for still caring for her after everything. she was here when he needed her here and i am thankful that she was...and bitter all at the same time.

I never really explained where all of this came from. Aaron returned a phone call yesterday...or a couple. or who knows...

and in an explanation it all turned into this.

that he'll end up with me...because i'm edward...to his bella...and her jacob

and i guess this is all an eclipse.

and it got me thinking back to reading those books. and i always read them rooting for Jacob. hoping that he would win out in the end. this was the first time i read hoping for edward...

the first time i saw myself in his character. the first time i saw it as my story...and i hoped that love...that impossible love that never should have existed was stronger than the soul mate she was born to have.

and it hurt to think of someone else as jacob.

and it hurt to think of myself as anything other than him...

and it made me rethink a lot of things.

and then he rolled over...and wrapped his arms around me...tucking my chin into his chest and kissing my forward and simply said "stay...

...i just want to hold you..."

and as always that was enough for me...

i'm sorry...i'm sorry for the entire situation...but not for the outcome. and i feel like edward in the since that i won't fight fair to keep him this time. i know what its like to be without him and i know that if feels better this way. i won't let this happen again if i can't help it...i won't let go this time...not until he tells me that there is nothing left to hold on to...

"You know Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies

and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence,

i might actually like you"

-Edward Cullen Eclipse Chapter 22 pg. 502

and we come full circle

you can learn a lot about someone by reading their diary.

thats not a new lesson...but rather one that is come back from the memories of trevor and i sneaking into meghan's room at night to peak into her secret correspondence. the love letters between her and the boyfriend she was forbidden from seeing, but like all romantic heroes that learned to pass secret messages within hymnals and love songs within scriptures all hidden before in audience in the choir stands at church.

we each found our own ways of rebelling against the constraints of being the children of the pastor. some a little more outspoken that other.



i signed up for the direct approach before i could ever understand what that would eventually mean.



from my father i learned many things. how to tear apart arguments. how to destroy hearts. how to lie and not get caught and how to read a lie before its ever spoken. i've used about 2 of these for the majority of my life. the most important being the reading of the lies....his greatest downfall...since he taught me what eventually lead to his expose.

i tend to find men that remind me of my father- and by the time i see if i try so hard to escape my inevitable future that i'm willing to rip my own heart out to do it.



i think my biggest fear is ending up like my mother.





not that i think her weak- she's the strongest person i've ever met...but she knew her naivete. she walked in with her eyes open and hoped that the man she loved, that she believe the lord handpicked for her- would love her the way her father had loved her mother. that he would learn to be faithful and true. and that he would be dependable and honest. and that he'd be everything he said that he would be.


my grandmother cried on her wedding day.

she begged my mother not to do it. my mother didn't listen.


and 25 + years later here we are.



and every time she watches one of her daughters fall in love she shakes her head and tells us not to. she tells us to look at her example to keep our eyes wide open and give our hearts only to the lord...but each time we jump in hoping that maybe this time will be the time.

i jump in searching. looking for the flaw so that when i see it i can escape before it drags me down with it. and each time its the same. each time its someone else


and i think subconsciously each time i stand there like that little girl standing on her front porch watching her father drive away into the night hoping that this man will turn around and choose me this time.




perhaps i ask for too much. perhaps i don't ask for enough.

maybe i peg myself too short. or i place myself too high.


or maybe i'm never meant to be loved in the end.




and there are moments like last night...when i gave aaron an out again...i always do this for him- give him a way to leave without hurting either one of us...

why do you love me?

what?

why do you love me?

umm...because i do. uh....because for someone reason i can't be without
you

but you were without me. why do you love me?

why not?

those are the moments that break my heart. the little whispered moments thats put nicks and cracks into case that has been taped together too many times to stand much more.

thats not a reason. to be with someone because there's no other reason is a
reason to be together. and loving someone because there's no reason to love them
isn't a reason to love in the first place.

uh...i dunno holly. i'm not really thinking right now.

and that always happens too. a year ago i told him i wanted more. i wanted to be able to talk to him. i wanted to be able have dialogue and conversation. to go places and to do things and



more



simply more




and it hurt him that i even said it...




and now we're back to this point again. we had switched positions for a while. where he had wanted it and now i'm here again- the constant tug of war we play with ideas.



i want more because we both deserve it that way. i don't want to be your mother and i don't want to take away your manhood. i want you simply to be a man. to be who you are...but to want to be that with me...


and for some reason that i can never quite realize....no one can be that with me.





i'm good enough to have. to walk around with and to show off...but at the end of the day...for a reason i'll never quite understand...i'm not enough to have for more...










but i can't accept less than that anymore.


i've seen what more has to offer now


and at one point i would have been ok with the crumbs of what he could give to me....but i won't accept crumbs when i can give myself jewels.




and we're back again. we always come back to here- the two of us. destined to chase after what we never can quite reach.



maybe he can reach it with another

blow me away

I haven't really been updating the way that I used to. i think its just one of those things...like i only right poetry when i'm sad...or confused...and i only blog when i'm lonely.

i guess i'm not so lonely right now. well maybe i am since i'm writing....i'm in between places right now.

i've started sending out applications again. for school. for anything. i've been looking at apartments...but i doubt i'll move anywhere. i just settle where i am and get comfortable and never leave.

i'm comfortable in the job i'm in. i wish it were more...and it has potential of being more...but i literally have nothing to complain about. id be more comfortable with a car and since Methuselah decided to kick the bucket last week i'm kind of SOL.

i'm trying to learn who this new aaron is. he's changed. he's different. in a good way i think...more independant than i remember. less needy...which is what i wanted...but now its strange...like watching a child leave his mother and go to school for the first time. that knowing that you're not needed anymore

his need was suffocating me

and now i long for the struggle


but at night when he holds me...reaching out to clasp me. the pull. the strength...i see it there. those shoulders. those arms. the need beneath it all.


we both know we can survive apart. we've done it. we were fine. but maybe we needed that time apart...that survival to know that we prefer it together...



but i still wait for him. his calls. his arrival. him...and when he's not here i miss it. the smell of him. the strength of him. his face...i tell him that in emails

i miss your face

and it seems so little and inconsequential...and childish...but i wonder if he understands it at all. that moment that has been crystallized into my memory. looking at him. just looking at him for the first time in months...and...for once i'm at a lose for words

there he was. the man i always remembered. as if i had trapped time in a bottle and simple stepped back in to where i had stood before. and i traced the bridge nose with my finger. and ran my fingers through his hair...and everything that i knew and didn't know and wished to know and never wanted to know and...everything was there


and i realized how much i'd missed it

and him


just by looking at him....




ok away from my melodramatic memories...i'm back to applying for school. any and every program in the area that i could be accepted into. I just need to get somewhere and do something and move on with me life. i'm watching it pass me by and its depressing.


i don't have a plan. i know that now. i'm ok with that now.

i wanted something etched in stone.

day one.


year one.


entry: I know what I want to do...

but i don't...and i'm fine with that. but i do want to be in school. i don't care what school. i don't care what program...but maybe once i'm there i will. maybe once i'm there things will start to fall into place the way that they used to...or everything will fall apart the way that it used to...and i'll figure out what is going on in the end

well we'll see where we go from here...we'll see where the wind takes me from here...


i'll just let it up and blow me away

tears

there's a girl in my office i don't like.

and i really have no reason not to like her other than the fact that she rubbed me the wrong way the first time i saw her and i can't really put my finger on what it is about her that just

eh

gets to me.
i think its that her hair is just too blonde or her eyes or just too blue and her skirt that first day just a tad too short for a casual friday... or maybe she's just too sure of herself for an intern. and i'm kinda irked that she keeps looking down on me. oh my humble position as admin to her lack of a degree. but i guess ppl usually expect less from an admin at the end of the day.

anyway...

the weekend was uneventful. my niece has her first cold which means the world has stopped. poor baby doesn't know how to blow her nose yet...so she's a reck.

and no i have a cold too... typical...

i spent the weekend at home. i just wasnt in the mood to go out...i haven't been in a couple of weeks now. hopefull i will be this weekend since i've committed myself to go out with mango.

i did my measurments at the gym. i've lost 3 inches on my waist so far. a great accomplishment seeing that i haven't been dieting and the first month was the blizzard so i pretty much started all over again. the extreme diet starts today to be ready for may and june.

my measurements are getting pretty ridiculous if i may say so. hips no change ( i knew that was going to happen.) lost 2 inches on each thigh, nothing on the calves (blown) shoulders an inch, check inch and a half (not happy about that)...and got way more flexible (not quite sure how that happened).

just need to fit into the bcbg summer line in a month and all will be well inthe world.

my trainer, a ninja turtle looking gentleman that affectionately goes by "Black goo," and i had a long talk about relationships. he asked me what happened with my ex since i told him that he randomly called me the other day. I told him he cheated on me...he said "what? why would anyone cheat on you?" ::the question i've been wondering for years:: he then asked a hundred questions: did i do this? did i not do this? did i go here? did i not go there? did i do what he wanted? yes. all the time. but i think that was the problem. guys walk all over ppl that do what ever they want. they stay with the jerks. he said no.

he started telling me about his exs (and there have been a couple. He has 3 kids but the way...by 3 different women...he said he can't trust women and thats why he plays them so hard (interesting seeing that he's asked me twice now) i told him

"real talk...i wish i had. i wish i had done something....just so i knew. like at the end...after all those times he played me....i'd just know that i had something. that it wouldn't hurt so bad...so that i deserved it...ya know"

he started singing ::i shoulda cheated:: lol. loser

he asked me how it made me feel. lol. ummm...mad. hurt. humiliated...how do you think it made me feel.



then before i left he pulled me to the side and told me "you know you're a really beautiful woman. You're too pretty to ever let anyone make you feel bad. Never let anyone make you cry..."



i then went back to the locker room and cried.

typical.


but i guess thats all for now. No new poetry. haven't really been in the mood to write.

my muse has turned into a little smuttbucket and i'm not really feeling him right now.

i can't keep falling for guys who aren't the ppl they used to be.

so yeah...toodles.