the grass is always greener

So my borther graduated on saturday. It was a beautiful day for a graduation in UVa is a gorgeous campus. Its like stepping back in time...or into a catalogue...or a onto a movie set. There must have been a dress code of khaki's and sun dresses and I failed to receive the memo.

It reminded me a lot of McDaniel. The small town vibe, even though Charlottesville would eat Westminster for lunch, the county club visitors, the trees. lol. it was nice to visit...it makes me want to get back into school.

The cobblestone was next to impossible for aaron and his crutches...the crowd was next to impossible for me and my stomach, the heat was simply impossible for my mother.

we were able to watch the smaller MBA graduation at the Darden school. nothing too hectic as we chose our seats earlier than my father's arrival with his family. I was luck enough not to see them at all...my mother however ran straight into them as my father ran straight into a pole...

i wish i made these things up.

my brother seemed as shocked as the rest of us about them being in attendance. we had all been dreading the family dinner that he requested, but upon finding out that his other mother was there is simply stated "i'm going to dinner with you, mom. i never intended to go eat with them"

Dinner was nice. It was good to see Trevor relaxed and happy. He is moving to CA at the end of June, just staying long enough for the wedding. He showed us around his apartment and told us about the work he'll be doing...or at least what he think he'll be doing.

I slept for the drive up and the drive back. I was lucky enough to never have to drive. Aaron did most of that...mainly because he doesn't trust anyone else behind the wheel. after watching my mother drive...I can understand why.


the real interesting part of the weekend was the graduation party on the saturday before trevor's graduation. One of Aaron's cousin's graduated and everyone came over for a free for all at his house. There was a lot of touching and questions and advice being freely thrown out...as usual. There was also a bit of a confrontation over pictures as I had previously stated I didn't want taken. i don't care if you consider my child YOURS...as I'm the one carrying them and I said no...then stop and let it go.

MIL didn't appreciate that...but she got over it. or she moved away from me.

I spent most of the night talking to the girlfriend and wife of some of the cousins. it was nice to know that i'm not alone in the random feeling of being "on-the-outside"

I'd never felt that way before...but now there has been a clear division drawn in the sand...and i'm not begging to cross it...i hope they realize my child is staying on myside of the line and they can go suck it.

it was funny. the GF should fit in the most. being hispanic...but her claim to fame is that she's Pentecostal and has no interest of converting. The Wife is protestant as well and black...a double negative for her. she also doesn't drink much and doesn't join in on arguments with the rest of the family.

she's always just stayed to herself.

I asked her how she deals with boundaries. She laughed and we shared Monster-in-law stories for the rest of the night.

family members kept trying to intrude...to find out what it was that we whispered about in dark corners...some sort of fear of the black ppl uniting. we didn't let it stop us...and once we finally were separated i left shortly after.

i feel like boundaries are going to be an on going issue in my life from this point forward. i get it...i accept it...but i'm not going to have ppl walk all over me and i'm not going to allow ppl to think that i'm ok with it. i don't care what hte family has been doing since the dawn of time...thats not how i'm doing it.

if that means we have to stay on the outskirts so be it.


i was actually thinking today. i was trying to figure out how it is that i never realized that they were so over bearing. i think i always knew...its just that they were overbearing to me. they were all in aaron's life. they judged his decisions. they called him dumb and told him what to do...but i just assumed thats the relationship they had with him and that was fine...most of the time his decisions were a little dumb and i appreciated that they cared...


but now that the opinions are pointed at me...its different. i'm not a child. and i'm not really in this family. i don't need your suggestions and i don't particularly care for your opinions. i'm not having family sit downs and i'm not explaining my decision making...its not a discussion its a statement...

they're not going to like me very much...

lol


i don't particularly give a shit...




it was strange at one point...while discussing the differences in W's MIL and my own she said "i think its just different. MIL and Husband never had that close relationship. they were never cute and cuddly. its funny. i would look at your MIL and think 'Why couldn't she be my MIL"

"honey, the grass is always greener on the other side..."

22 weeks 1 day

i actually checked out if i ever get views. i've never done that before. I was surprised that i do. not many...i don't expect a lot. i sense that most melodramatic blogs are similar. maybe i should start writing better. something less dramatic...or more dramatic... something daring an adventure... but unfortunately this is the first real adventure i've ever been on...and i'm trying to find my footing through it all. lets see...what can i update. i'm huge. i can no longer see my feet. i don't know if its due to my boobs or my belly or a strange combination of the two. i've been wearing sneakers for the past week. i can't imagine bending down to find my flats...and for some reason my heels hurt. the things ppl never tell you about pregnancy i need better shoes. i'm thinking about buying some sperrys. i've heard they're amazing for your feet and i need something better than the cheap flats i've been wearing since college. the only thing is i have a slight hatred of the shoes. ok maybe not the shoes...i've never worn them so i can't really have an opinion of the shoe...but rather of the memory of the first time i saw aaron in them and the story of his sponsor buying them for him eh. i just don't want to give him incentive to wear them again one day i'm going to get over my disgust.

hopefully around the time that i wear these shoes.

i bought a rocking chair for the house. invested in a couch and set up my room/nursery. things are really coming together. aaron is moving in in June. it would be earlier if we moved up the wedding, but i really want to keep it on our anniversary in a snap he told me he didn't understand why it had to be that day. "we broke up...that was the past. what we have going on now has nothing to do with then..that anniversary doesn't mean anything..." "so the past 3 years don't mean anything either?" he was silent then. just looked at me. if it was up to him we would have just gone to the courthouse in April and kept things moving. he doesn't want anything big....but he has a family of 573...nothing is every small... we'll see what happen. grrr...baby is kicking...gotta pee....maybe i'll update later

about to make it pour

So I have this crazy idea that is probably going to get me into a lot of trouble. maybe it's because i'm selfish. maybe it's because i'm protective. maybe it's because as soon as i think of being a mother i turn into a hippie mama bear... but i think i want my kid off of facebook. 10 years ago that wouldn't even have been an issue. 5 years ago it would have been innovative to put them online. now its so over played...i want them off. my niece is a facebook celebrity. her face has been splashed across the cover page since she was right out of the womb. she has a daily update and probably followers. i feel like if i googled her names she'd have more hits than i do... i don't want that for my child. i feel like if you want to see her you can come see her. if you want to see pictures we'll upload pictures. do i want albums upon albums of her face copied and pasted on the internet. no i think i might start another blogger. i nicer one that doesn't deal with the feelings and emotions on certain things. have something dedicated to her that ppl can see. they can click into it and view the new comings and going. see what she's eaten, what she likes...but they can't take anything back. read: no right clicking. if you want a picture you better ask for one i want the number of pictures of her limited on facebook. there are too many ppl on there who i don't want in my or her life. maybe once in a while. maybe occassionally. on holidays or birthdays...but everyday. no and even then i want to know before you start posting pictures of her. i know a lot of people who aren't going to like that. well i push her out...i make the rules. if aaron wants to post pictures, ok. if i do. fine...but i'm not having a family of 75 that only want to be in her life for the novelty factor shooting of reams of pictures for ppl i don't know and who have nothign to do with us to see. the internet is public domain, i understand that. you can't copyright something that's not published...you can't hide anything on facebook. well i won't let her life be ruined by some picture someone else posted. its going to be a long talk that i have to have with her father...and a longer one with my family... but its not up for discussion. i'm her mother.... we're her parents the end

i think i might kill my MIL...

I had a shorter post earlier this morning, but i thought it might be better to expand a little.

I have nothing against Mother-in-Law.

I can't judge her parenting style or her life choices...or I can, but I'm going to choose not to for this entry...or this sentence. She raised two children to majority without any major mishaps. She lives comfortably with her family and she take care of her business... We got along fine for years.

Even when Bear-Bear and I weren't together MIL and I still spoke. We still caught up on major holidays, I sent pictures of my niece to her. I even hung out at her house on several occasions.

Everything was honky dory...until i found out i was pregnant... ::que the horror music:: in the beginning it was just little things. i told her i was pregnant and she lectured me as everyone was doing...i expected it...i let her with just a nod and silence.

then when BF told her she hugged and soothed and told him how everything was going to be ok. then she wanted a sit down with my mother and myself and her and aaron. ok fine...get your words out. she lectured, we assumed more for aaron than for me. i didn't take it seriously. i had already heard the talk. i already knew what she'd say. but there was a moment when things began to change

"i'm here for you both, aaron, you know that. i'm here for you emotionally...but not financially"

hmm...that one rubbed me the wrong way.

i'm not one to ask for things...unless i'm at a bar and want a drink...and even then i don't really ask for it.

i don't depend on ppl financially and i really haven't since i went to college. when we found out i was pregnant aaron and i were planning on moving out. we had a place. we just needed to sign the paper work. then this happened and i decided i wanted to save everything instead. we didn't ask for any money from either one of them. we didn't even ask for a place to stay...but the first thing she thinks to say in front of my mother is she's not here for us financially... my mother even mentioned it.

"hmm...thats strange," she said later. "You're my child. I will help you as much as I can..."

I let it slide and didn't say anything. then later when we were joking around, MIL and SIL and i...she started telling me everything i needed to put on it. she emphasized 2 car seats and 2 strollers... no thats not necessary. i know aaron and he's not going to have a car seat in his car if there isn't a baby in it...and he's not going to push a stroller when he can just carry her...she disagreed saying we'd need two. noo...we're just going to get 1

"well i want a stroller and a car seat for over here"

::silence::

i walked away.

i tend to do that a lot recently.

"so are you going to be grandma or GG?"
"no i'm not going to be grandma..."
while cringing "ok so what are you going to be?"
"well all the kids call my mom Mama..."
"oh..the great grandma...::blank stare::..."
"so i think i'll do that too"
"umm what...i dunno about that. 3 mamas...no i don't think so"
"yeah...i don't want to be grandma...i'll be mama"

::silence::

walks away

"the hospital you go to is horrible. you should have the baby at the hospital where i work"
"no, thanks...i like my hospital"
"but aaron was born there...then him and his daughter could both be born there"
"i was born in CA...but my baby isn't going to be born there..."

walks away

"i've chose the baby shower colors. i'm sure i want purple"
"no you should have pink"
"no...my sisters was pink and i didn't like it. i've decided on purple"
"no...it should be pink"

walks away

"did you make up that name for the baby"
"no its actually a name. it means [insert meaning]"
"hmmm...i dunno about that...maybe it'll grow on me.."

walks away

she's starting to blow me...i don't really know how to handle her from this point. aaron wants to keep things fair. what my mother knows he thinks his mother should.

my mother name is part of baby's middle name so his mother name should be as well [denied].

it just keeps going. i'm going to stop telling him things till we move in together...her influence is just too strong... i never thought i'd have one of those MIL that i would dread...but i'm going to... i don't think she realizes that after 4 years of knowing me i'm not going to be the push over she think i will...she'll ever move over or be walked over...but i'm not competing for first place when i've already won...

that was harsh...but fuck it...

we have 18 more years of this shit to go...

Officially Team Pink

Latest update:

I got into a fight with the receptionists at my OB.


They are pretty incompetent. I kept asking what the point of my 16 week visit was if I wasn't having a full anatomy. They had no idea and told me to just cancel...i told them to give me a nurse to talk to...which meant they put me on hold until i hung up and then called back. it took me around 4 to 5 calls ebfore they finally told me it was for the rest of my blood work and (quote)
"you can tell you BF not to bother coming. you're not going to have a sonogram. i mean if you do...well you do...but you're not supposed to"

bitch

so i scheduled a sonogram at That's My Baby, a place just for sonograms and gender screenings in Bowie.

Monday was a day off so i scheduled it and told aaron to meet me there (regardless of the ongoing strife...its your kid so either be there for them or dip...) my sister and mother were coming, mom backed out due to work and aaron's little sister took her place.



i was wrong totally wrong every prediction that i had said. that deep gut feeling... wrong wrong wrong lol. i'm officially team pink. or rather Team Purple.

I'm having a little girl in august. Or if she has any say in it...in July. She's measuring 2 weeks larger than she really is. with big feet and a big head...and she's tap dancing on my bladder...nestled right underneath my belly button.

none of this seems like much to you...but let me explain. At 16 weeks your uterous should be half the distance from your pelvic bone to your belly button. the baby should be around 4 1/2 inches long and way about 3 1/2 ounces. roughly the size of an avocado. my baby...is 8 ounces. an avocado might seem small in comparison to my 5'9" sister. i'm 5'3" (and barely). An avocado in comparison to my torso is pretty big...and knowing she's showing up around the size of an 18 weeker...well....its terrifying. if i show up in June and they tell me that she is already 10 pounds I'm going to say to induce me immediately. lol

i have another doctor's appointment in March. March 4th to be exact. A full anatomy with one of the OBs at my office ( there are 7....so i'm pretty sure I'll never see the same one twice...) we'll see if anything changed. Like if a hamburger suddenly morfs into a hot dog


There is plenty that I could say about Aaron...but not today. I'm too tired to talk about it. Life is changing so constantly that I'm simply too tired to keep holding on and trying to catch up... i think i'll just watch it for a while and create my only little nest out here for the time being... a little nest for me and my little girl.

open and available

we've spoiled my niece to the point that she refuses to sleep anywhere but in someone's arms. If she were to wake up in one of the thousands of bids, swings or bouncers, that we searched and purchased in the appointed colors of pink rose and chocolate, she'd flip out...FLIP...like pure nonsense for hours on end...

after twenty-three years of being a predominately tummy sleeper - i have somehow learned how to sleep perfectly still on my back, because i know that

at somepoint in the night one of the three other ppl in my house appointed to entertain her highness will deposit a sleeping child into my arms. even in a deep sleep i've learned to rock a child back to sleep

how something only 8 pounds and 21 inches has learned to control an entire house...i'll never know

so i'm trying to figure out what to do for new years. DC is full of options and opportunities- the only problem is clubbing in dc means hanging out with the over excited hoards of college students. Don't get me wrong, i was one of them a few months ago...but there is a large maturity gap between 18 and 23 and i'm worried that the best places are going to open the doors for the ragingly hormonal. Last time I went to LOVE I almost killed someone who was too busy trying to get into some 18 year old in lace leggings and t-shirt that i pushed the wrong person who spilled a drink on me...who expected me to buy HIM another one.

of course the time before that (the wayne after party) my now ex showed up and threw someone down the stairs for getting a little too close...i'll save that story for another time...

I'd go to the usual Jamaican spot- 24

- but the fact that ppl are starting to recognize me and going usually means having my sister's fiance watching every move I make...i'm thinking new years might not be a good time to have a baby sitter...

We've got the 1st of January planned already.

just the 31st is open and available.

but we'll find something.......we always do

"its like starting at square one all over again"

my brother came over the other day. its rare that he actually stays - rather he comes and stays just on the edge of the bubble as to not disrupt the delicate balance that is the two families he floats between.

i think he stays in school to avoid choosing who's house he's actually going to live in.

he came over and brought his ex-girlfriend - who i love as long as they're not dating. she has so much power and control and independence on her own, but when they're together she dumbs herself down to protect my brothers fragile ego. i think everyone does that for Trevor - except for me.

anyway he came over and stayed just long enough to make things uncomfortable for the rest of us. the last we saw of him were his speeding tail lights when he heard a snow storm was coming- his final words "i don't feel like sleeping on the couch - and i'm not shoveling in the morning..."

so it was up to us in the morning- the first day the baby was home- to dig her boyfriends car out of the snow. to hike to the store for milk.

trevor helped dig out my father's new wife

lets just say that's a sore subject to my mother

i digress. he came over with Adi- the sweetest girl i've ever met and she asked me about aaron

a -"are you still with that guy"

me - "nope"

a - "awww...i'm sorry"

me -"i'm not..."

::awkward silence::

me - "its just that i woke up one day and realized it just wasn't worth it....being unhappy. i was just working so hard that i realized i can be just as unhappy without him - and not even work as hard. i can be happy alone..."

i guess my life lessons always happen in public.

its those moments when you have to figure out how you feel .... in words.

but enough about him - back to my family. its christmas eve and my sister is still dealing with the after effects of giving birth. she just closed on her house with her boyfriend. i'm proud of her. i envy her freedom to leave - but not he constraints of a relationship.

i think school has always been my escape. now i'm home and i can't quite figure out what to do now.

but for once i'm not upset about it...i'm kind of excited to see what's going to happen next.