blow me away

I haven't really been updating the way that I used to. i think its just one of those things...like i only right poetry when i'm sad...or confused...and i only blog when i'm lonely.

i guess i'm not so lonely right now. well maybe i am since i'm writing....i'm in between places right now.

i've started sending out applications again. for school. for anything. i've been looking at apartments...but i doubt i'll move anywhere. i just settle where i am and get comfortable and never leave.

i'm comfortable in the job i'm in. i wish it were more...and it has potential of being more...but i literally have nothing to complain about. id be more comfortable with a car and since Methuselah decided to kick the bucket last week i'm kind of SOL.

i'm trying to learn who this new aaron is. he's changed. he's different. in a good way i think...more independant than i remember. less needy...which is what i wanted...but now its strange...like watching a child leave his mother and go to school for the first time. that knowing that you're not needed anymore

his need was suffocating me

and now i long for the struggle


but at night when he holds me...reaching out to clasp me. the pull. the strength...i see it there. those shoulders. those arms. the need beneath it all.


we both know we can survive apart. we've done it. we were fine. but maybe we needed that time apart...that survival to know that we prefer it together...



but i still wait for him. his calls. his arrival. him...and when he's not here i miss it. the smell of him. the strength of him. his face...i tell him that in emails

i miss your face

and it seems so little and inconsequential...and childish...but i wonder if he understands it at all. that moment that has been crystallized into my memory. looking at him. just looking at him for the first time in months...and...for once i'm at a lose for words

there he was. the man i always remembered. as if i had trapped time in a bottle and simple stepped back in to where i had stood before. and i traced the bridge nose with my finger. and ran my fingers through his hair...and everything that i knew and didn't know and wished to know and never wanted to know and...everything was there


and i realized how much i'd missed it

and him


just by looking at him....




ok away from my melodramatic memories...i'm back to applying for school. any and every program in the area that i could be accepted into. I just need to get somewhere and do something and move on with me life. i'm watching it pass me by and its depressing.


i don't have a plan. i know that now. i'm ok with that now.

i wanted something etched in stone.

day one.


year one.


entry: I know what I want to do...

but i don't...and i'm fine with that. but i do want to be in school. i don't care what school. i don't care what program...but maybe once i'm there i will. maybe once i'm there things will start to fall into place the way that they used to...or everything will fall apart the way that it used to...and i'll figure out what is going on in the end

well we'll see where we go from here...we'll see where the wind takes me from here...


i'll just let it up and blow me away

i just wanted you to know

you know its a slow day in the office if i upload twice...but seeing that I probably won't blog over the weekend , lets just say i'm making up for it now,

sometimes i wonder if you ever loved me
if they ever loved me
or simply lvoed the perfect person that i created for them.

i think i read the art of seduction at too young an age...because when I meet someone i subconsiously study them
what their aspirations are,
their dreams...............................their goals.................................their fears and
i watch myself perform the incredible feat of becoming
.....................exactly
....................................................................what
..........................they've always wanted

How could they not be impressed by the creation of their ideal woman
in a 5 foot package
of exaggerated curves
and ainimated joy just at the thought of seeing you
......................like a puppy after a long day at work
....or a kitten - ..................depending on your mood

i was good when you wanted good
bad when you wanted bad
.....................................................wicked on occasion

Until I'd wake up and realize that i was nowhere where i wanted to be
and......................................................................................................................left

i knew aunts and uncles by name
best friends by birthdays, their girlfriend by address
and every other girl you called at night...................................by number

and never said a word
until it suited me
and by then
you were too late to ever win
the argument

i would mold myself into the very form you desired, without realizing that i was
c..h.....a..........n.............g.....................i...............................n.....................................g
but it's always easier to put on an act
than admit to the insecurities i've always felt
of being just a little too BIG
and just a little too small
just a little too happy
and just a little not happy............at all

But always exactly what you wanted me to be

but i don't want to be that for you



i want the next one to see the flaws

Like...

that i don't like wearing heels...........................................unless its night
and i'm most comfortable in sweats till noon
and i think thigh highs and garters are sexy
................and men in ties turn me on..................................a little

i love to cook when i'm stressed
i listen to slow jams in the shower...........................not in aslutty way, but because i genuinely like them
and my favorite position is sleeping right inthe croock of your shoulder at night

i want you to tell me i'm sexy
when i dress up - or don't dress up
but not in a vulgar way
........................in a poetic way that gives me chills and butterflies
...........................and actually makes me feel beautiful and not like a porn star you're paying for the night
and sometimes i want to feel like that pornstar
................but not always

i want to sit and discuss things with you
and argue and laugh
and watch your face change as the topics change
and grow old
and more distinguished
and more in love with me

and i want to know your flaws
like you hate asparagus...............................but love broccoli
and i hate feet.................but love when you massage them
and that we both skip to the end of book
.......................................to see the conclusion
and we like the rain
and we like getting wet
......................but preferably not at the same time
and i secretly think you're smarter than me, but i'd never tell you

and i want you to know that i've always through my sister the prettier one
...........................and my brother the smarter one
and that my father loved me best
.......................until he left
..................................................................................and i still have a complex about it
but that i won't let it come between us like before

i want you to know i think you're beautiful
...............................and that i've always thought you were sexy
but i never said anything, because i'm actually a little shy
and i never know how to say it..........................................................and still sound genuine
but i think about it all the time
even before you knew i was thinking it
and not just your smile
or your eyes
but for the way you think
and the way you speak
.....................and the accent you sometimes try to hide
and your ears that are a little too big......and your lips that are a little too full
and the fact that you make me feel just a little insecure
in a sexy way

and i'd still think you were
................even if you had warts
................and little feet
................and a humpback
......................................................................................ok maybe i'm pushing it a little
but i'd still be attracted to your heart
.............and your mind
........................and your words
............................................and the way you've always made me feel
even when youre mean....................................or i'm mean
and moody...............................................................or i'm moody
..................or we're both dating the wrong people
but we still secretly know.....the perfect flaws we have within each other


but i've never told anyone that.........but i want you to know