and we come full circle

you can learn a lot about someone by reading their diary.

thats not a new lesson...but rather one that is come back from the memories of trevor and i sneaking into meghan's room at night to peak into her secret correspondence. the love letters between her and the boyfriend she was forbidden from seeing, but like all romantic heroes that learned to pass secret messages within hymnals and love songs within scriptures all hidden before in audience in the choir stands at church.

we each found our own ways of rebelling against the constraints of being the children of the pastor. some a little more outspoken that other.



i signed up for the direct approach before i could ever understand what that would eventually mean.



from my father i learned many things. how to tear apart arguments. how to destroy hearts. how to lie and not get caught and how to read a lie before its ever spoken. i've used about 2 of these for the majority of my life. the most important being the reading of the lies....his greatest downfall...since he taught me what eventually lead to his expose.

i tend to find men that remind me of my father- and by the time i see if i try so hard to escape my inevitable future that i'm willing to rip my own heart out to do it.



i think my biggest fear is ending up like my mother.





not that i think her weak- she's the strongest person i've ever met...but she knew her naivete. she walked in with her eyes open and hoped that the man she loved, that she believe the lord handpicked for her- would love her the way her father had loved her mother. that he would learn to be faithful and true. and that he would be dependable and honest. and that he'd be everything he said that he would be.


my grandmother cried on her wedding day.

she begged my mother not to do it. my mother didn't listen.


and 25 + years later here we are.



and every time she watches one of her daughters fall in love she shakes her head and tells us not to. she tells us to look at her example to keep our eyes wide open and give our hearts only to the lord...but each time we jump in hoping that maybe this time will be the time.

i jump in searching. looking for the flaw so that when i see it i can escape before it drags me down with it. and each time its the same. each time its someone else


and i think subconsciously each time i stand there like that little girl standing on her front porch watching her father drive away into the night hoping that this man will turn around and choose me this time.




perhaps i ask for too much. perhaps i don't ask for enough.

maybe i peg myself too short. or i place myself too high.


or maybe i'm never meant to be loved in the end.




and there are moments like last night...when i gave aaron an out again...i always do this for him- give him a way to leave without hurting either one of us...

why do you love me?

what?

why do you love me?

umm...because i do. uh....because for someone reason i can't be without
you

but you were without me. why do you love me?

why not?

those are the moments that break my heart. the little whispered moments thats put nicks and cracks into case that has been taped together too many times to stand much more.

thats not a reason. to be with someone because there's no other reason is a
reason to be together. and loving someone because there's no reason to love them
isn't a reason to love in the first place.

uh...i dunno holly. i'm not really thinking right now.

and that always happens too. a year ago i told him i wanted more. i wanted to be able to talk to him. i wanted to be able have dialogue and conversation. to go places and to do things and



more



simply more




and it hurt him that i even said it...




and now we're back to this point again. we had switched positions for a while. where he had wanted it and now i'm here again- the constant tug of war we play with ideas.



i want more because we both deserve it that way. i don't want to be your mother and i don't want to take away your manhood. i want you simply to be a man. to be who you are...but to want to be that with me...


and for some reason that i can never quite realize....no one can be that with me.





i'm good enough to have. to walk around with and to show off...but at the end of the day...for a reason i'll never quite understand...i'm not enough to have for more...










but i can't accept less than that anymore.


i've seen what more has to offer now


and at one point i would have been ok with the crumbs of what he could give to me....but i won't accept crumbs when i can give myself jewels.




and we're back again. we always come back to here- the two of us. destined to chase after what we never can quite reach.



maybe he can reach it with another

seeing through the rage rage...

its been a crazy weekend.



i wish that were an over exaggeration...but how else to complete a bad week but to have the weekend of weekends.



i probably shouldn't say weekend since it didn't end until monday (if we could actually call that an ending or simply a line drawn in the sand...like so many other lines that I have already etched there over the years)



When it comes to Aaron I never get to say what i want to. i think its a fear of losing him. a fear that it won't come out right. or that it will. or that if it all fell apart i wouldn't know which way was up again.



aaron has always been the person to make me feel insecure...







but when i everything started to cave in last week...i don't really know what happened. all of a sudden i watched my life flash before my eyes and it was like i'd already seen it played out this way before. i'd already lived these mistakes. i'd already cried these tears...and i couldn't cry them anymore



and i laughed.





i cracked up.



even while i told meghan and she started fuming. hissing and spitting like a mother cat over the entire situation and i just couldn't get over it. even while talking to aaron i laughed. while he asked me what to do i laughed.



it took hours before i could even feel the tears.



it took days before i felt the rage









it wasn't until monday in the middle of day that everything turned from hilarious to ridiculous.







perhaps thats what i needed 4 months for. i think that maybe thats what i needed to learn. that moment where i didn't care about the consequences and i actually stood up for myself.



he tried to flip the situation. he tried to brush it under the rug.



he tried to tell me it was no big deal because he always comes back to me. i shouldn't worry because he'll always come back.









i said no. i've waited too long for you as it is and i've given you more chances than anyone deserves and i'm not settling for 1 inch less than all of you.



i not settling for less than everything



and i won't share you









you can't have us both.





he said she said that to





i told him i dont' give a fuck what she said.



he can go back to her for all i care. i never asked him to leave.









i yelled. i scolded. i passed up and down my street, not wanting my family to hear my rage as i told him exactly what i thought about this entire situation.





i thought i could wait. wait for him to outgrow his selfishness. wait for him to see what he had in front of him. wait for him to grow up and then i simply told him



i can't







i can't keep waiting for you. its not fair for any of us.



i'm done.







i told him that if i find out he's talking to her again...if i even think he's talking someone...if i even have an inkling that this bull shit is happening again....I'm out.





the end.





i've put up with it too long.







there will be no discussion. no warning. no arguments. no tears. no phone calls. just silence. i'm out





he said he didn't like be threatened







i told him it wasn't a threat. it was a fact.











he didn't say anything after that.













now for her...i had some choice words. another side effect of this new independence thing...



i can only thank the lord than i didn't have a car this weekend. or a phone number.... i would say that i've controlled myself enough that i don't feel this way any longer...





but i have no reason to lie in this blog.







call my baby girl one more time and i'll show you exactly how i feel about the moniker. [the rest of the content has been censored by the owner]



i'm just being spiteful...i tried to tell you...




i have stories. and details. on the usual nonsense...but today just doesn't seem like the day for any of that. maybe once my vision clears i'll be able to tell you more.

i just wanted you to know

you know its a slow day in the office if i upload twice...but seeing that I probably won't blog over the weekend , lets just say i'm making up for it now,

sometimes i wonder if you ever loved me
if they ever loved me
or simply lvoed the perfect person that i created for them.

i think i read the art of seduction at too young an age...because when I meet someone i subconsiously study them
what their aspirations are,
their dreams...............................their goals.................................their fears and
i watch myself perform the incredible feat of becoming
.....................exactly
....................................................................what
..........................they've always wanted

How could they not be impressed by the creation of their ideal woman
in a 5 foot package
of exaggerated curves
and ainimated joy just at the thought of seeing you
......................like a puppy after a long day at work
....or a kitten - ..................depending on your mood

i was good when you wanted good
bad when you wanted bad
.....................................................wicked on occasion

Until I'd wake up and realize that i was nowhere where i wanted to be
and......................................................................................................................left

i knew aunts and uncles by name
best friends by birthdays, their girlfriend by address
and every other girl you called at night...................................by number

and never said a word
until it suited me
and by then
you were too late to ever win
the argument

i would mold myself into the very form you desired, without realizing that i was
c..h.....a..........n.............g.....................i...............................n.....................................g
but it's always easier to put on an act
than admit to the insecurities i've always felt
of being just a little too BIG
and just a little too small
just a little too happy
and just a little not happy............at all

But always exactly what you wanted me to be

but i don't want to be that for you



i want the next one to see the flaws

Like...

that i don't like wearing heels...........................................unless its night
and i'm most comfortable in sweats till noon
and i think thigh highs and garters are sexy
................and men in ties turn me on..................................a little

i love to cook when i'm stressed
i listen to slow jams in the shower...........................not in aslutty way, but because i genuinely like them
and my favorite position is sleeping right inthe croock of your shoulder at night

i want you to tell me i'm sexy
when i dress up - or don't dress up
but not in a vulgar way
........................in a poetic way that gives me chills and butterflies
...........................and actually makes me feel beautiful and not like a porn star you're paying for the night
and sometimes i want to feel like that pornstar
................but not always

i want to sit and discuss things with you
and argue and laugh
and watch your face change as the topics change
and grow old
and more distinguished
and more in love with me

and i want to know your flaws
like you hate asparagus...............................but love broccoli
and i hate feet.................but love when you massage them
and that we both skip to the end of book
.......................................to see the conclusion
and we like the rain
and we like getting wet
......................but preferably not at the same time
and i secretly think you're smarter than me, but i'd never tell you

and i want you to know that i've always through my sister the prettier one
...........................and my brother the smarter one
and that my father loved me best
.......................until he left
..................................................................................and i still have a complex about it
but that i won't let it come between us like before

i want you to know i think you're beautiful
...............................and that i've always thought you were sexy
but i never said anything, because i'm actually a little shy
and i never know how to say it..........................................................and still sound genuine
but i think about it all the time
even before you knew i was thinking it
and not just your smile
or your eyes
but for the way you think
and the way you speak
.....................and the accent you sometimes try to hide
and your ears that are a little too big......and your lips that are a little too full
and the fact that you make me feel just a little insecure
in a sexy way

and i'd still think you were
................even if you had warts
................and little feet
................and a humpback
......................................................................................ok maybe i'm pushing it a little
but i'd still be attracted to your heart
.............and your mind
........................and your words
............................................and the way you've always made me feel
even when youre mean....................................or i'm mean
and moody...............................................................or i'm moody
..................or we're both dating the wrong people
but we still secretly know.....the perfect flaws we have within each other


but i've never told anyone that.........but i want you to know