racing

I am 18weeks 5 days today.

I'm doing a better job of keeping count.

I keep just saying months and i usually round up to 5...which is not all together correct. soon i'll be saying 9 months and still have 5 weeks to go. each week for me starts on a thursday...still have no idea when i conceived.

I kind of wish i did just so i could try to remember the night...or day....but alas it might forever be a mystery.

time seems to be speeding by now. maybe it just that from 5 to 16 weeks you don't really see any significant changes. you just gain weight...out of nowhere you get huge and flabby and all you can think about doing is sleeping...then suddently after 16 weeks you have a belly. and you feel kicks and bumps and stretches...and things just seem to happen.

i had my first braxton hicks contractions last week. i think thursday was the first time. my chest just started to hurt...like sitting down compressed my lungs. i had to get up and walk around because there just wasn't enough of me when sitting in a chair. then on saturday on the way to the movie theatre it happened again.

we were walking to the theatre and all of a sudden everything got tight. i tried to explain it to aaron...but there aren't really words. like a cramp- but before it hurts. that feeling that youknow its going to hurt in a minute if you try to stretch it out. the only problem is braxton hicks are supposed to hit right in your abdomen. right below the baby as your uterus prepares for eventual marathon of action that leads to birth. well i'm 5'2" my abdomen is about 5 inches long... i felt that shit in my lungs... i couldn't breathe. i should get enough air in. i couldn't stretch far enough to survive. all i could think was "OW" but it didn't hurt...i just didn't know what else to say... hopefully i have a week reprieve before that happens again

aaron felt the baby move on saturday. finally after weeks of trying she finally worked with us. we were just laying back and relaxing when aaron jumped

"i think i felt her..."

about damn time...lol i felt so bad last time. she would move and move but as soon as he'd come around she would just freeze as if she was listening for his voice. lol. he'd like to hear that...he's already decided everything for this little girl.

i wish i'd taped him playing with ani on sunday. they played for a good hour...until she went hard and fell down the stairs and aaron laughed...ok i didn't say he was perfect...but he loves hard and long...

the latest debates have been on religion. Never thought it would be as big of a deal as it has turned out to be. Hopefully everything has been resolved...we'll see.

I feel like i'm in the middle of the reformation all over again, but seriously Lutherans are as close to catholic as you can get...smh

we've chosen a date. tentative location...planning on counseling... everything is just speeding by... this time next year it will seem so dull after the race we're on this year.

aaron said a couple of day ago "I feel like I just skipped like 30 years of my life..."
"no...you just stalled at 18 for 7 years...you're simply catching up..."

but i know how he feels. 6 months ago we weren't even thinking about all of this. we were trying to stay together...get past all of the changes that drove us apart. looking for an apartment. looking for furniture.


wedding bells were a concept that we hadn't even considered setting in stone.

now we're even past that.... i know god has a plan for all of this.



i hope he does...



....i hope he knows what it is

blow me away

I haven't really been updating the way that I used to. i think its just one of those things...like i only right poetry when i'm sad...or confused...and i only blog when i'm lonely.

i guess i'm not so lonely right now. well maybe i am since i'm writing....i'm in between places right now.

i've started sending out applications again. for school. for anything. i've been looking at apartments...but i doubt i'll move anywhere. i just settle where i am and get comfortable and never leave.

i'm comfortable in the job i'm in. i wish it were more...and it has potential of being more...but i literally have nothing to complain about. id be more comfortable with a car and since Methuselah decided to kick the bucket last week i'm kind of SOL.

i'm trying to learn who this new aaron is. he's changed. he's different. in a good way i think...more independant than i remember. less needy...which is what i wanted...but now its strange...like watching a child leave his mother and go to school for the first time. that knowing that you're not needed anymore

his need was suffocating me

and now i long for the struggle


but at night when he holds me...reaching out to clasp me. the pull. the strength...i see it there. those shoulders. those arms. the need beneath it all.


we both know we can survive apart. we've done it. we were fine. but maybe we needed that time apart...that survival to know that we prefer it together...



but i still wait for him. his calls. his arrival. him...and when he's not here i miss it. the smell of him. the strength of him. his face...i tell him that in emails

i miss your face

and it seems so little and inconsequential...and childish...but i wonder if he understands it at all. that moment that has been crystallized into my memory. looking at him. just looking at him for the first time in months...and...for once i'm at a lose for words

there he was. the man i always remembered. as if i had trapped time in a bottle and simple stepped back in to where i had stood before. and i traced the bridge nose with my finger. and ran my fingers through his hair...and everything that i knew and didn't know and wished to know and never wanted to know and...everything was there


and i realized how much i'd missed it

and him


just by looking at him....




ok away from my melodramatic memories...i'm back to applying for school. any and every program in the area that i could be accepted into. I just need to get somewhere and do something and move on with me life. i'm watching it pass me by and its depressing.


i don't have a plan. i know that now. i'm ok with that now.

i wanted something etched in stone.

day one.


year one.


entry: I know what I want to do...

but i don't...and i'm fine with that. but i do want to be in school. i don't care what school. i don't care what program...but maybe once i'm there i will. maybe once i'm there things will start to fall into place the way that they used to...or everything will fall apart the way that it used to...and i'll figure out what is going on in the end

well we'll see where we go from here...we'll see where the wind takes me from here...


i'll just let it up and blow me away