seeing through the rage rage...

its been a crazy weekend.



i wish that were an over exaggeration...but how else to complete a bad week but to have the weekend of weekends.



i probably shouldn't say weekend since it didn't end until monday (if we could actually call that an ending or simply a line drawn in the sand...like so many other lines that I have already etched there over the years)



When it comes to Aaron I never get to say what i want to. i think its a fear of losing him. a fear that it won't come out right. or that it will. or that if it all fell apart i wouldn't know which way was up again.



aaron has always been the person to make me feel insecure...







but when i everything started to cave in last week...i don't really know what happened. all of a sudden i watched my life flash before my eyes and it was like i'd already seen it played out this way before. i'd already lived these mistakes. i'd already cried these tears...and i couldn't cry them anymore



and i laughed.





i cracked up.



even while i told meghan and she started fuming. hissing and spitting like a mother cat over the entire situation and i just couldn't get over it. even while talking to aaron i laughed. while he asked me what to do i laughed.



it took hours before i could even feel the tears.



it took days before i felt the rage









it wasn't until monday in the middle of day that everything turned from hilarious to ridiculous.







perhaps thats what i needed 4 months for. i think that maybe thats what i needed to learn. that moment where i didn't care about the consequences and i actually stood up for myself.



he tried to flip the situation. he tried to brush it under the rug.



he tried to tell me it was no big deal because he always comes back to me. i shouldn't worry because he'll always come back.









i said no. i've waited too long for you as it is and i've given you more chances than anyone deserves and i'm not settling for 1 inch less than all of you.



i not settling for less than everything



and i won't share you









you can't have us both.





he said she said that to





i told him i dont' give a fuck what she said.



he can go back to her for all i care. i never asked him to leave.









i yelled. i scolded. i passed up and down my street, not wanting my family to hear my rage as i told him exactly what i thought about this entire situation.





i thought i could wait. wait for him to outgrow his selfishness. wait for him to see what he had in front of him. wait for him to grow up and then i simply told him



i can't







i can't keep waiting for you. its not fair for any of us.



i'm done.







i told him that if i find out he's talking to her again...if i even think he's talking someone...if i even have an inkling that this bull shit is happening again....I'm out.





the end.





i've put up with it too long.







there will be no discussion. no warning. no arguments. no tears. no phone calls. just silence. i'm out





he said he didn't like be threatened







i told him it wasn't a threat. it was a fact.











he didn't say anything after that.













now for her...i had some choice words. another side effect of this new independence thing...



i can only thank the lord than i didn't have a car this weekend. or a phone number.... i would say that i've controlled myself enough that i don't feel this way any longer...





but i have no reason to lie in this blog.







call my baby girl one more time and i'll show you exactly how i feel about the moniker. [the rest of the content has been censored by the owner]



i'm just being spiteful...i tried to tell you...




i have stories. and details. on the usual nonsense...but today just doesn't seem like the day for any of that. maybe once my vision clears i'll be able to tell you more.

blow me away

I haven't really been updating the way that I used to. i think its just one of those things...like i only right poetry when i'm sad...or confused...and i only blog when i'm lonely.

i guess i'm not so lonely right now. well maybe i am since i'm writing....i'm in between places right now.

i've started sending out applications again. for school. for anything. i've been looking at apartments...but i doubt i'll move anywhere. i just settle where i am and get comfortable and never leave.

i'm comfortable in the job i'm in. i wish it were more...and it has potential of being more...but i literally have nothing to complain about. id be more comfortable with a car and since Methuselah decided to kick the bucket last week i'm kind of SOL.

i'm trying to learn who this new aaron is. he's changed. he's different. in a good way i think...more independant than i remember. less needy...which is what i wanted...but now its strange...like watching a child leave his mother and go to school for the first time. that knowing that you're not needed anymore

his need was suffocating me

and now i long for the struggle


but at night when he holds me...reaching out to clasp me. the pull. the strength...i see it there. those shoulders. those arms. the need beneath it all.


we both know we can survive apart. we've done it. we were fine. but maybe we needed that time apart...that survival to know that we prefer it together...



but i still wait for him. his calls. his arrival. him...and when he's not here i miss it. the smell of him. the strength of him. his face...i tell him that in emails

i miss your face

and it seems so little and inconsequential...and childish...but i wonder if he understands it at all. that moment that has been crystallized into my memory. looking at him. just looking at him for the first time in months...and...for once i'm at a lose for words

there he was. the man i always remembered. as if i had trapped time in a bottle and simple stepped back in to where i had stood before. and i traced the bridge nose with my finger. and ran my fingers through his hair...and everything that i knew and didn't know and wished to know and never wanted to know and...everything was there


and i realized how much i'd missed it

and him


just by looking at him....




ok away from my melodramatic memories...i'm back to applying for school. any and every program in the area that i could be accepted into. I just need to get somewhere and do something and move on with me life. i'm watching it pass me by and its depressing.


i don't have a plan. i know that now. i'm ok with that now.

i wanted something etched in stone.

day one.


year one.


entry: I know what I want to do...

but i don't...and i'm fine with that. but i do want to be in school. i don't care what school. i don't care what program...but maybe once i'm there i will. maybe once i'm there things will start to fall into place the way that they used to...or everything will fall apart the way that it used to...and i'll figure out what is going on in the end

well we'll see where we go from here...we'll see where the wind takes me from here...


i'll just let it up and blow me away

"you will pass a difficult test that will make you happier" fortune cookie

My niece was born last week and she put a lot of things in perspective

I learned that I don't need you to love me

I don't need you to be here

I can have love with out you...

how did i ever live without you? how did i live for so long with you?

I'm taking every day at a time. learning to move on....taking steps to not need you. I guess i've just used to this addiction. i'm not used to not speaking to you

but things aren't the same anymore.

and you keep saying how things just changed so quickly...but they didn't...they have been changing for years

I just learned to stand up for myself

and after seeing her little face i realized i could stand up for her...theres so little i wouldn't do for her

and if she was in my position...i would tell her to leave

so i left

and i know that there's so much more for me out there.